I did something very wrong
 

I had posted this on *****Answers but didn't get good answers. I need to get this out of my system and I hope everyone can be understanding and supportive.

I live with my mom(almost 70) and she is also an alcoholic, she had a hard life, my dad use to beat her like she was a man, they are divorced now and I live with her in a small 1 bedroom condo...

2 months ago, we got into a arguement because she was "in my business" so to get her more pissed off I threw away all the food in the refrigerator she had made for me the day before, called her the nastiest word for a female, blasted the stereo, carried on then I felt terribly guilty and told myself I would never do that again...

A month after, I did it again and it was worse, I dumped a 20 pound bag of rice on top of her head, on her bed, broke glass, cussed, threw away all the food again in the refrigerator and spit in her face...the whole time I did this to her, she kept silent and took it. I couldn't stop crying for 6 days straight. Even after she had told me she's forgiven me, I cried again last night and told her I was sorry again.

What hurts me the most is "the spitting in her face" part because I can remember her face expression while I did it and makes me feel so bad. What would hurt me even more is when she passes away, I will think about this. It makes me feel bad because she didn't derserve this, even though if she did, she didn't need to put up with my crap but she did.

What can I do to let this go?

Please see a therapist. You obviously have some serious anger and this could be considered elder abuse. I am not judging just feeling VERY badly for you both. Please get some help.

I would be less concerned with letting go (your feelings) and more concerned with protecting your mother from yourself. I think it's time for you to move out and get some help so you don't repeat this pattern with your mother or other human being or animal ever again.

You had a behavior modeled for you by your father. You are now repeating that behavior, without being in control of what you are doing (most likely, your father wasn't in control either). The key to solving this is to get at the root of why you are triggered to behave this way (and the answer is not "I was angry" - anger is a secondary emotion, you have to feel something else first before you can feel anger), then deal with that root cause and deal with the behavior that you seem to have no control over and learn how to get it under control.

It would be easy to blame your father for this (well he taught me to act like this) but... you can only blame your parents for where you got to, you can not blame them if you choose to stay there.

A good therapist/counselor with a background in cognitive behavioral therapy, ACoA issues or anger management issues should be a good start. Many medical insurances now cover mental health - if you have medical insurance, I would check into it.

And if the thought of going to therapy bothers you, imagine, worst case scenario, you lose your cool again, and next time accidentally kill your mother. I'm guessing that would bother you a whole lot more than therapy would. Not to mention that if it isn't your mother, it will be whoever else is handy when something inside you snaps - your girlfriend/boyfriend, your children, another adult etc.

If you ever want to find peace in yourself, you must work this out and in the very near future.

As others have noted - this is not said with any judgment implied. In your post you asked how you could work this out. This is how. (full disclosure: prior to my own therapy, I was prone to outbursts of anger as well - not to the degree you decsribe, but of the same variety).

OMG - I'm sorry I read this. Please get help for the both of you.

I agree with this. You do need to get help and possibly move out in order to keep this from happening again.

What others have said. I agree wholeheartedly, especially with Ginger. Seek help, because being prone to outbursts like this is not how I would want to live, especially given how badly you feel about it afterwards. How long is it going to be before you get even worse and hurt yourself or someone else?

And yes, this is elder abuse. Your mother deserves better and so do you. I think living separately from her would be a good idea while you work on yourself. Good luck to both of you.

I agree with takincareofme - move into your own place if you can.
Definitely get therapy and write your Mum a letter (print off this post?) expressing your remorse and explaining that you are going to get help and that you love her very much.

It won't make up for it, but may go some way towards helping the situation a little.

I hope things work out for both of you xxx