Goldberry

I am going to see my mom and the rest of the family in November. It's my father's BD and mom asked if we could come down to celebrate. I said sure. I am a bit, just a bit nervous. I haven't been there since July and since we've gotten past the terrible phone calls in Sept. and can talk again now. I know that only going for a couple of days is not likely to result in a major problem but I also know my mom will drink and my father may start an argument. I want to be prepared not to react or leave when I'm uncomfortable. I want to enjoy my mom instead of pleading with her not to drink, or enabling or provoking her in any way etc... I want to show God's love to her without falling for the old patterns of losing my temper, trying to calm them down, which never helps or even getting involved in the stupid argument. I want to be able to not let the hostile words get to me. Of course this may not happen at all. It's only a couple of days.... Al anon and these posts have helped me learn some tools and ways to respond that will be more detached if I remember to use them. Like, how to step back from the drama and to have my boundaries and suggested sayings written down and practiced etc...
Someone in my Al anon meeting said not to project what will happen so I won't worry myself. I have done this in the past and it plays havoc on my brain.
Any more sayings and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

dothi

Just remember your boundaries, Goldberry. Although what you've heard about projecting your boundaries is good advice, that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a boundary-reinforcing plan if your boundaries are crossed. This doesn't involve mentally re-hashing the possibilities of what can go wrong - it just involves what you will do in case something goes wrong, i.e. a boundary is crossed.

If the drunken fighting starts up, what can you do to protect yourself mentally? (protecting yourself isn't just about your physical safety)

FWIW my parents used to do this funny thing where they would visit me and start hashing their arguments out in front of me. (guess they liked having an audience, maybe because they knew the other would not say certain things in front of me, whatever). Something I used when the fighting started was, "I did not take today off to listen to this. If you don't stop, I am leaving." I specified the behavior I did not like, and then specified the consequence. Thus it became their choice to continue and accept the consequence.

Have a plan. Make sure anyone going with you is onboard and aware (even with kids, if grandma and grandpa start acting rudely, we will not be staying. if grandma and grandpa are fine, then we will stay). I think you will feel a lot better knowing that your worst fears don't have to come true if this visit takes a turn for the worst because you are empowered to make decisions and plans like these in order to take care of yourself.

reverse

YES, I agree w/ Dothi, in that the most important issue here is that you take care of yourself. Also, if fighting and arguing does happen--I would think it not a good idea to just sit there in silence without setting the boundaries/consequences that Dothi suggested. In the past, I too, once wanted to show my parents the love and grace of God and in aspiring to do such, I simply got trampled on in my efforts. I did not set the boundaries that I should have to protect myself, and for quite sometime, just put up with negative behaviors without saying anything to them b/c I thought that somehow, they would convert to my religion, turn from their ways, and acknowledge my "good behaviors".

As Dothi said, there is nothing wrong with telling them that if they continue to argue, I will leave. And most importantly, there is nothing wrong with following through with your stated boundary and leaving. When I did not leave in the past, I ended up often times getting verbally and physically abused all over again as an adult. It took me a while to wake and realize that Gee-these people are NEVER going to change and they will NEVER wake up no matter how hard I try to please them and gain their approval. The only way I could gain their approval was if I shut my mouth, never set boundaries, and allowed them to do as they please without any complaints and consequences. So, I had to learn the hardway that the only way I could have a relationship with these people was if I became a doormat to them--a person they could walk over with no disputes in doing such. And I learned, that that was not the best thing for me, nor the types of relationships I needed in my life. So, I slowly began to move on--which is an ongoing process one step at at time.

Just be very careful. All the best,
Amanda

Goldberry

Thank you so much... I will state my boundaries if needed and not be a doormat. Thank you for your wise words dothi and reverse, you have been where I have been and I want to stop being in the middle getting tramped on.
God Bless