Mandjas

It's been a week now since I sent my 'detachment with love letter' to my mom and I haven't heard a thing.

I spoke to my dad and he said be prepared that she may never speak to me again! And I know that's true because she didn't speak to my older brother for 10 years.

I must have been kidding myself last week when I said I was prepared for her response, I guess I'm not. How can she really choose alcohol over her own daughter and grandson, how could she be that cold? Why can't I just get on with it and think to myself well stuff her then?

I didn't want the confrontation, that's why I sent a letter, now I'm thinking I should have talked to her and not written to her - she must think I am cold too.

I'm nearly 40 and after all these years I still need to feel wanted and loved by her.

My mind is slipping......

PoetryandHums

Oh, this part is soo hard. In response to your first question, the flippant but true answer is because she's an alcoholic, and alcohol always comes first. But in all seriousness, I think the important answer is that it's NOT because of you or your little one. She's not capable or not willing right now to make the choices that she would need to to have you two beautiful, loving people in her life. It's not because you're not worth loving, or not worth putting first, or that you've done anything wrong. Quite to the contrary, you've taken an incredibly important step to protect yourself and your young son--something you should be very proud of.

It's hard to "just get on with it" because this experience really hurts. Clearly, you love your mother and really wish she could be in your life in a healthy way. She can't, and doesn't want to prioritize that, and that really, really stinks. In my experience, as ACs, this is where we're in danger of slipping back--calling your mother to "apologize" and "fix it." It can be helpful at this point to work on remembering what's really going on, that it's not your fault, that you can't fix it. I might even write a card to keep near my phone with the reasons for my boundary and the fact that my mother chose not to respect that boundary or the safety of my child. And is now choosing not to call me.

On a more personal level, this is a difficult time for you. Though it may have been a process throughout your whole life, you're really face-to-face now with the hurtful decisions of your mother. You may be grieving, or angry, or lonely. You should be really, really good to yourself. You need lots of love from yourself and others, and special care. Hang in there

Mandjas

Thank you your are absolutely right. I was thinking just last night that maybe I could invite them over on bonfire night for a BBQ. I thought enough time will have passed and we will all be a little calmer about everything. That it would be on my territory and my terms but in reality it won't will it? If she's had a drink then my boundaries are out of the window and she will know once again that I'll put up with it.

Having a card by the phone what a great idea! I also just looked at my first post and that has reminded me of my decisions.

I keep thinking how sad Xmas will be and the opportunities we are missing out on - as I am moving back to Australia next year and very much doubt I will be back in for a long while.

Iwanttoheal

((((Hugs Mandjas))))

You have done a really hard thing but it was the right thing to do. You have made the safety of your son the most important thing.

For me, I love my own children so deeply that I cannot imagine my own parents not loving me with the same intensity but the hard fact is that the alcohol came first, I was not as important as the alcohol and the chaos it caused in our lives. It hurts.

In the early days when I first established my own boundaries, it helped me to keep reading and rereading the reasons why I had chosen my course of action.

Look after yourself. Sending you strength, IWTHxxx

Mandjas

Thank you. I want to heal. It's amazing how words of comfort from strangers on the internet can offer such comfort in these times. x

tromboneliness

(I crack myself up sometimes.) Ya know, it's hard -- being a typical Al-Anon/ACA "fixer" type -- to bite my tongue and not give advice in these situations. The advice being, "Stick to your guns, don't let her walk all over you, there's nothing worse than making an ultimatum and then not making it stick," blah-blah.

But it looks like you've got a handle on that, as it is. Having set a boundary by writing to your AM, inviting her over for the BBQ would give her a golden opportunity to test (read: ignore) your boundary and make it go away, by showing up drunk and having you put up with it -- because, after all, what she does is "really not that bad." That's what my Dad tries to do -- not show up drunk, but ignore my boundaries and have me put up with it, etc.

As with anything else, it's all about deciding what's worth it and what isn't. If our choices are only (a) put up with the drunk or (b) have no contact with them, we have to figure out which one we want. What we'd really like, of course, is (c) they stop drinking and give us the pleasure of their sober company. But that is something only THEY can offer. We can choose (a) or (b). Those are within the "things we can change" category. Option (c) is within the "things we cannot change" category -- it can happen, but only if the other person, who is not under our control, decides to change his/her behavior.

In my case, it's a little different -- at this point, I don't give a flying you-know-what if my Dad gives up booze or not. My options are (a) put up with his attempts to manipulate me into moving back in and taking care of him (and, essentially, re-upping for another term as his serf, which I was as a kid), and (b) withdraw and have as little contact with him as possible. Option (c) -- have him suddenly decide to be sensible, stop the manipulation, and act like the great guy he has the ability to be -- is not out of the question... but I cannot make it happen. Either my Dad changes or he doesn't -- that's his call.

Serenity -- things we cannot change. Courage -- things we can. Wisdom -- knowing the difference. It's that last one that gets ya....

T

sograteful

I'm so sorry, Mandjas. I know it's so difficult. I used a letter to set my boundaries, too. I haven't spoken to my mother in over two years. We have had random email conversation but it comes and goes like the wind --and it never has any depth. My father (so codependent) didn't speak to me for over a year either.....

It's so hard. I hurts. I remember what you're feeling ---the beginning is the worst. One piece of advice I'll always remember from my therapist --you can't have a real relationship with an alcoholic anyways. And you can't have a real relationship with just one person (YOU)....so what you're missing is all superficial. I know that may be hard to hear --especially with a child/grandson involved. But unfortunately it's true.

Alcoholics always choose alcohol over everything else, not just you. It hurts, it's hard to understand....and of course we can't get it ---we aren't alcoholics--thank goodness for that!!

You've spoken about the elephant on the table ...and she doesn't like it. You have to keep your expectations in check so that you aren't continually disappointed. By the time I had the courage to set my boundaries, my therapist had helped me get my expectations to nearly zero --but it still pained me. There's no way to avoid all pain. There are days when it still hurts like mad.....but for me, it's way better than the alternative. Her disease no longer infringes on my life. For me, that's empowering. That's letting go with love.

You can do this. Good luck to you.

Mandjas

Sograteful, that is really weird that you said that because that's almost exactly what my dad said; " that's what happens when you have expectations of people, you are always disappointed" I thought he was being a bit mean when he said it. I thought damn it wasn't like I was expecting her to support me in a political rally, or training for the olympics, or paying for my PHD. It was a very small expectation, just one to want and care enough to stop putting us 2nd place. But since you have put it the way that you have - it kinda makes sense now.

Although I am pretty upbeat today, I know I have a lot of work to do on my own recovery and no doubt I will be back on the roller coaster when or if they want access to my son again. So I have committed to my ala non meetings and my daily readings (even on good days) in preparation and eduation before I leave the station next time.