Lingering hopelessness
 

I am feeling inexplicably hopeless and scared today. Inexplicable, as in I don’t know why….

Could be the weather, and the season? It’s raining again; and it seems like October always causes me trouble. They say the shorter days can cause seasonal disorder. Nothing seems to bring me joy….

I spend my days at work somewhat isolated with very little human interaction. The tasks have become routine and boring. However, it is secure and stable; and the pay and benefits are good (far outweigh anything else I could find). So, I feel somewhat stuck….

And, last week I decided to move to reduce my commute. So, I am looking to buy a house. I am excited and scared…. I don’t want to feel trapped by a house payment. On the other hand; decorating, gardening, and landscaping are all things which have always given my pleasure and a sense of accomplishment.

Although none of those things seems to be worthwhile if I am alone…. And I feel very alone. I can’t seem to initiate or maintain friendships? I would like to believe that it is because I live so far from everyone, that makes it hard to socialize. I want to believe that moving will help…. But I am afraid that it won’t.

My daughter (age 15) lives with me. She is a delight in every way. She is excited about moving, too; although it will move her farther away from her friends. I hope it doesn’t make things rough for her…. That she doesn’t become withdrawn and isolated when she can’t go next door or down the block to see her friends. She will be able to continue at the same school, so I tell myself it won’t disrupt things too much for her.

And last but not least, my boyfriend…. He lives with me. I am not moving for him, but maybe I moved the timing up because of him. I am feeling less sure about the relationship; but I don’t know if that’s because the “newness” is wearing off, maybe I am overly-anxious with a “mood disorder”, maybe I’m trying so hard not to take on his problems that I am sabotaging the relationship, or maybe he’s just not the right guy? Every day I resolve to deal with only that day (not “forever”) – and realize that this day is better with him in it than without him in it. I wonder if I will ever really feel comfortable and secure.

Just venting a bit, on a cold and dreary day……

Hi there nowinsituation :)

I dunno, from what you said in your post it sounds to me like you have a _lot_ of stress in your life right now. If _I_ had that much, I'd be having all kinds of emotions too.

That's exactly what works for me when I get in those "stuck" feelings. Focus on just the one day I am in and not the whole rest of my life.

Something else that works for me is to do something _really small_ to brighten up just the _one_ day. Like I'll buy a small plant. Just one. Or I'll take _one minute_ to step outside my home and look at the sun shining in the trees, listen to the birds before I head off to work.

I do. Okay, so it took a couple counselors and a lot of 12 step recovery but most of the time I like my life. That's part of the "promises" that so many people talk about in meetings. There's a lot of people here on SR that post how their lives have gotten better, so I don't see why it can't happen for everybody.

You just keep hanging around here, nowinstituation, and we'll be your "cheerleaders". Little by little we're all getting our lives fixed up and find recovery, so you just keep coming back.

Mike :)

Nowin,

Every year, I find myself in a similar "questioning" phase. It's usually the time that I'll make two or three appointments with my old counselor just to talk through what I'm feeling and have him ask me questions. He seems to have a talent for unearthing what it is I'm truly worried about.

You might consider talking through your relationship with your boyfriend with a counselor. If BF has so many problems that you find yourself struggling to not engage with them, then perhaps he is pulling more time/energy/joy from your life than he is adding. I know that I had a helpless, sad place in my stomach when I was making decisions that might bring me closer to my X, and I ignored them as my problem, my issues.

Really, what was happening was that my heart was telling me it wasn't the right thing to do - but I didn't listen. Ponder carefully why you're doing what you're doing and be sure there isn't something your heart is trying to tell you.

Also, I find that as I get older, it becomes more of an effort to make and keep friends. Everyone is so busy with their own lives, etc. I have to make an effort to get out, take night classes/workshops, engage in my community's activities, and things like that in order to feel not-isolated. It is worth it to me. But when I was tangled up in my X's life, it was very hard to get out. I slid further and further into isolation with him and another codependent cycle.

Just some thoughts that came to mind from my own life. They may or may not apply to you.

Listen to your heart and find ways to give it what it needs.