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Suffering, need to vent.

Old 10-04-2009, 09:00 AM
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Location: New England Town
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Suffering, need to vent.

Hello. I posted on the friends and family section as my hubby is abusing legally prescribed drugs.

I am on the verge of tears. I am in recovery myself, lost my mother to alcoholism when I was 16(she was 45, drank herself to death), and dad remarried a few years later and went off with that family. So, Ive been pretty much alone since then, from my immediate family.

I have been with my husband since 1991, many relapses and chaotic years later, I have found it not necessary to use since 2003.

I am trying to save my husband and losing myself in the process. I am so sad because he is my best friend and I love him, and I have to make tough choice that will devastate us. I am crushed, and he is high, and is a very functioning addict, works, cleans, cooks, but is always messed up on ritalin.

I know he is ill, and I am also. But it's tough to handle all of this with a 14 year old girl witnessing all the chaos.


My caretaking, enabling, smoothing over and denial capabilities are taking over. I am so good at my role, and I hate myself for it.

Perhaps, I see him as my mom? Who knows..but addiction aside, he has
loved me unconditionally more than my immediate family ever has. My husband is my biggest fan.

Again, I know what the answers are, I just need some kind words and support.

Thanks!
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Old 10-04-2009, 05:27 PM
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Hang in there SCN. I am praying you will find the support you need right now,and you do need it. Have you ever tried an Al Anon meeting? I have just started going and it has helped me realize how I need to change my thinking and my responses to my alcoholic family members. It really helps if you find a good group and if one doesn't seem a good fit, try another one. It's not just for alcohol but substance abuse too. You can even take your daughter. In my group, a mom takes her two teenage daughters so they can learn to cope better. Never give up and take care of yourself and your daughter. You are no good to anyone if you are run down, cranky, enabling him, in denial etc... You need to heal and get the tools you need to show him love. In so doing you will minister better to your husband.
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Old 10-05-2009, 03:22 AM
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Hello. Thanks for replying. I did find meetings around me! This whole disease concept is encompassing, because not only am I a recovering addict, but also an ACOA, and a Co-dependent. I do look forward to support. I do need to react better to my husbands antics, or to not react at all. The ritalin makes him very hypersensitive, and even when I back away and refrain from talking to him, he takes this personally too...so, when I try to protect myself, I lose, and when I defend myself, I lose(in a sense). I want to have strong boundaries. Sometimes I feel like I will never get there.

Thanks.....I will be going to a meeting.
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Old 10-06-2009, 08:45 PM
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Originally Posted by soconfusednow View Post
I do need to react better to my husbands antics, or to not react at all. The ritalin makes him very hypersensitive, and even when I back away and refrain from talking to him, he takes this personally too...so, when I try to protect myself, I lose, and when I defend myself, I lose(in a sense). I want to have strong boundaries. Sometimes I feel like I will never get there.
I don't remember where I heard this, but someone was talking about the differences between reacting and responding. Reacting is tied up in the other person's behavior, anticipating their next move, and trying to influence it. Responding is all about you, what you need to express, do, say, maintain, etc. On a similar note, I was talking about boundaries with a friend lately, and she reminded me that the term comes from literal fences, etc. Your boundaries are much like a fence or a wall. Will building it make your neighbor stop playing loud, obnoxious music? Probably not, but it will separate you from the sound. Will setting boundaries with your husband stop him from using, or from treating you poorly? Probably not. The wall is to protect you, and in some sense, it doesn't matter what he's doing on his side. You're safe on yours.

edited- I forgot to say--You WILL get there. A little bit at a time, you will.
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