sun376

My father has had a drinking problem for over 10 years. He still denies it is actually a problem. I already went through the denial period where I protected him and defended him to the rest of my family. Now I am just angry and tired of continuing to live with it. I am tired of seeing him hurt people I care about. Our family has tried numerous different things to fix/get rid of/deal with the problem, all to no avail. There is only so much anyone else can do, the decision to take action is ultimately in his hands. I love my father very much, but how do I tell him that I don't want him in my life anymore until he gets help with his problem? I cannot imagine that he would risk giving up our relationship, but I am still afraid of that possibility.

JT

I am curious what your living situation is. It sounds like you now longer live with.

Remember that nothing you decided to do can't be undone. The way he is behaving is causing you pain and it is self preservation that makes you want to back away. It sure beats denial.

You can tell him how you feel...gently letting him know you love him, but having a front row seat to his self destruction hurts you too much.

Also, have you attended any 12 step meetings? ACOA or Alanon could be for you. I would recommend it...you are more at risk than most to find yourself in a alcoholic relationship.

Hugs,
JT

sun376

My parents have stayed together because it's easier that way. I don't live with them anymore. My younger sister does when she is home from college. Whenever we talk to my Dad on the phone we have to figure out if he has been drinking or not. My younger sister calls from school in tears saying, "I just talked to Dad." In the past, she has been more furious than the rest of us when she finds him drinking. Recently, she confronted him when he was drunk and he cried to her saying he is lonely. Now she has pulled a 180 and asked if I would spend more time with him after she goes back to school. He convinced her that his loneliness is the reason he drinks. Five years ago the reason was that my grades were not good enough. His happiness cannot be my responsibility. I will help him once he starts helping himself. As you can tell, I am just angry at this point. I don't know that I can even cry about it anymore.

journeygal

Hi Sun and welcome - I'm glad you found us.

I have a lot of undeserved and unexplored guilt concerning my brother and my dad's drinking. The last few years that he drank may have been the worst, but I wasn't there to see it - I had left home by then. However, my brother was left by himself to deal with it alone. My mom was there, but he and I were always close and we comforted each other during the rough times since we didn't receive that comfort from mom.

When I was in college, I also got the phone calls from my brother, crying b/c dad had either stolen money from him or done something else to upset him. And while I was relieved to be away from the madness, I felt so terrible that my brother had to deal with it alone.

Anyway, I know the anger and frustration that you feel. But as you are starting to figure out, neither your dad's drinking nor his happiness are your responsibility. And if being around him in that state upsets you, then you have every right to decide not to be around him. Hopefully your sister will one day realize that your dad drinks b/c he has a problem, and no one else can get him to stop. He has to want to stop for himself.

Again, welcome, and I hope you keep coming back.

Take care and hugs,
JG

Tiro

"Letting go" may not always be easy to do but it carries great healing potential.

"Letting go" does not mean we stop loving the person. It means we "let go" of the dysfunction associated with our relationship with that person.

It means we let go of the guilt , feeling responsible , blaming , resentments , enabling and all the other negative behaviours that perpetuates suffering.

"Letting go" starts with a thought.

The thought that ; I didn,t cause this , neither am I responsible fo it .

"Letting go" means we go to the person and tell them our feelings and that we can no longer continue to live the way we were before.

"Letting go" means we pray for the courage to stand by our convictions.

My father's drinking caused me a lot of pain until I learned to let go of it. He's been drinking for fifty years and the last time we had an intervention for him I told him I could not tolerate him in my house any longer if he was going to continue drinking.

He was sober for six weeks and then he showed up on my doorstep drunk one night asking for a place to stay.

Closing that door in his face was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life but it was something I had to do for the preservation of my own peace of mind , safety and well being.

I will always love my father. I understand now that only he can save himself.