Confronting your parent(s) and stopping the denial
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Confronting your parent(s) and stopping the denial
Feel a ramble coming on...
When I met with my counsellor earlier this week, we spoke a lot about the denial that runs in my family and my extreme frustration that I cannot get my voice heard and make the points I want to make.
Whenever I confront my Mum, in the mildest manner possible, about my past I get denial (lies) or 'poor me' responses. I get "It's in the past, leave it there, we've moved on" or I get "It wasn't that bad, we had it good." or I get "You don't know what it was like for me, I had it sooooo bad and now you are criticizing me. Who do you think you are?"
Whenever I bring up the subject our childhood and alcoholism with my brother, I get 'poor me' about our childhood, he really is one bitter man with an outsize chip on his shoulder or I get denial about the alcohol. He told me to my face that he was one stop away from being a full-blown alcoholic like AF but he still is in denial that he has a problem. Sure bro' that'll be why you got assaulted after a nine-hour bender, ended up needing surgery; used booze to wash down your painkillers and then two weeks later went on 4 day bender with your drinking buddies. You got this under control bro', sure you have...
So apart from the fact that I give up and cave in when I talk to my mother and I just plain give up with my brother (how do you talk to someone who just won't shut up); I'm dealing with two victims who are in denial. Jeesh it's like talking to two kids who have their fingers in their ears going lalalalalala.....
My counsellor and I discussed them coming in for a family session. I explained that's an unrealistic expectation, 1. You won't get them in the door (My mother doesn't need a shrink and according to my brother, a counsellor is only good if they are private and very expensive - don't know where he gets his snobbery and superiority complex) 2. If you got them in the door, they won't listen to anyone elses opinion but their own. {I really am a cuckoo in this family's nest, thank God}.
So, there I was, having a rant complaining to my counsellor that I can't get my voice heard when she goes, so write them a letter. But "that's cowardly" I go, "Not if it's the only way to get your voice heard, that's sensible" goes she.
So I've stewed on it and today, I wrote my letter and posted it to both of them. I am very proud of my letter. Now I know there is every chance that my letters may not get read, I have no expectation that these letters will be accepted and no hope that they will effect change. I wrote this letter for me.
It is not vindictive, viscious or blaming. It is a little like a little bill of rights, it is factual and full of "I" and "As an adult, I choose to...." statements. I got the elephants well and truly out in the living room, all three of them - abuse, alcoholism and unhealthy co-dependency.
I stated that I was abused, that I was no longer prepared to deny it, that I held my AF and codie mother equally responsible, that I did not deserve to be treated that way and that I was worthy of so much more.
I stated that I was choosing to learn new healthy ways of relating to people that were good for me and that I would no longer act as an alcoholic enabler to my brother or an unhealthy codependent to my Mum and brother.
I stated that I would be remaining no contact in terms of visits, telephone calls, texts, emails, social occasions, family holidays and family celebrations.
I finished by stating that going forward, the ONLY form of contact that I was willing to accept was written letter format and this would be for the sole purpose of giving advice, if they wished it. I see this (IF it ever happens) as being an official, formal, written correspondence type of relationship.
It feels good. Rather than feeling as if I am running away, I feel as if I have turned and set out my position. This is what happened to me, these are the changes I am making for my own good health and this is what I want for my future.
Rather than running and hiding behind boundaries and feeling relief that those boundaries have not been breached, in writing that letter, I feel as if I have turned and am now walking confidently towards my abusers with my new rules of engagement firmly in my hand.
Onwards and upwards, IWTH xxx
When I met with my counsellor earlier this week, we spoke a lot about the denial that runs in my family and my extreme frustration that I cannot get my voice heard and make the points I want to make.
Whenever I confront my Mum, in the mildest manner possible, about my past I get denial (lies) or 'poor me' responses. I get "It's in the past, leave it there, we've moved on" or I get "It wasn't that bad, we had it good." or I get "You don't know what it was like for me, I had it sooooo bad and now you are criticizing me. Who do you think you are?"
Whenever I bring up the subject our childhood and alcoholism with my brother, I get 'poor me' about our childhood, he really is one bitter man with an outsize chip on his shoulder or I get denial about the alcohol. He told me to my face that he was one stop away from being a full-blown alcoholic like AF but he still is in denial that he has a problem. Sure bro' that'll be why you got assaulted after a nine-hour bender, ended up needing surgery; used booze to wash down your painkillers and then two weeks later went on 4 day bender with your drinking buddies. You got this under control bro', sure you have...
So apart from the fact that I give up and cave in when I talk to my mother and I just plain give up with my brother (how do you talk to someone who just won't shut up); I'm dealing with two victims who are in denial. Jeesh it's like talking to two kids who have their fingers in their ears going lalalalalala.....
My counsellor and I discussed them coming in for a family session. I explained that's an unrealistic expectation, 1. You won't get them in the door (My mother doesn't need a shrink and according to my brother, a counsellor is only good if they are private and very expensive - don't know where he gets his snobbery and superiority complex) 2. If you got them in the door, they won't listen to anyone elses opinion but their own. {I really am a cuckoo in this family's nest, thank God}.
So, there I was, having a rant complaining to my counsellor that I can't get my voice heard when she goes, so write them a letter. But "that's cowardly" I go, "Not if it's the only way to get your voice heard, that's sensible" goes she.
So I've stewed on it and today, I wrote my letter and posted it to both of them. I am very proud of my letter. Now I know there is every chance that my letters may not get read, I have no expectation that these letters will be accepted and no hope that they will effect change. I wrote this letter for me.
It is not vindictive, viscious or blaming. It is a little like a little bill of rights, it is factual and full of "I" and "As an adult, I choose to...." statements. I got the elephants well and truly out in the living room, all three of them - abuse, alcoholism and unhealthy co-dependency.
I stated that I was abused, that I was no longer prepared to deny it, that I held my AF and codie mother equally responsible, that I did not deserve to be treated that way and that I was worthy of so much more.
I stated that I was choosing to learn new healthy ways of relating to people that were good for me and that I would no longer act as an alcoholic enabler to my brother or an unhealthy codependent to my Mum and brother.
I stated that I would be remaining no contact in terms of visits, telephone calls, texts, emails, social occasions, family holidays and family celebrations.
I finished by stating that going forward, the ONLY form of contact that I was willing to accept was written letter format and this would be for the sole purpose of giving advice, if they wished it. I see this (IF it ever happens) as being an official, formal, written correspondence type of relationship.
It feels good. Rather than feeling as if I am running away, I feel as if I have turned and set out my position. This is what happened to me, these are the changes I am making for my own good health and this is what I want for my future.
Rather than running and hiding behind boundaries and feeling relief that those boundaries have not been breached, in writing that letter, I feel as if I have turned and am now walking confidently towards my abusers with my new rules of engagement firmly in my hand.
Onwards and upwards, IWTH xxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Georgia (the state, not the country!)
Posts: 108
I'm glad it made you feel good, IWTH. It sounds like you did it for the right reasons: For you, not for them; and that you're well aware that nothing at all may come of this, or that you might be in for more of the same if they respond at all. This is about you and your recovery. No one else. Hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Originally Posted by takincareome 
This is about you and your recovery.
This has been a very big step forward for me in taking back my own life. For so long, I have lived in denial. For so long, I have been their caretaker and their trashcan. I cannot believe how passive and reactive I had become. I would drop everything and lie down on the floor to be kicked whenever they so much as whispered. I came very, very close to losing myself. I had to run and hide just to find myself.
So now I have found myself, I am taking myself forward into my recovery.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
