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i'm doing it again

Old 09-10-2009, 12:19 PM
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i'm doing it again

I met this new person online (on a different website) i've only talked to him for, what, 2 days. I'm already to close to this person and i'm afraid something is gonna happen. Like I'm gonna do something and not realize what i'm doing and become too dependent on this person. And about boundries, I really have to learn to set them and say "no" when i feel it. Im afraid of what is gonna happen with this. This is way to fast.

~03fifteen
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Old 09-10-2009, 12:59 PM
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If you met this person online, why don't you take a break for a day or two and get your thoughts straight? There is no need to rush headlong into things. Tell them that you're concerned this is moving too fast and you want a little time to think. If he is that close to you he should respect that. Just give yourself a day, just one day. Take a deep breath, do something nice for yourself and think about what you want out of this relationship and how you want that to happen and develop. I'll be thinking of you.
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Old 09-10-2009, 01:11 PM
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thanks takincareofme. i think i just latched on so quick because 1) it was someone I could talk to and 2) this persons seems to genuinely care. and 3) As of late my close friends haven't been there to talk to. So i just latched on to the first thing that showed interest. I dont think its safe for me right now.
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Old 09-10-2009, 01:16 PM
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Very understandable. You need someone to talk to and he's there for you right now. But if you don't feel like you're safe, with online relationships it's so easy just to slow things down and not be quite as available. You know what I mean. Trust your instincts. You're the one that knows you best, and if you don't think this is good for you, then it isn't.
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Old 09-10-2009, 01:40 PM
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thanks. I'm sure he'll understand. But i have such a hard time with not wanting to hurt others. I'll talk to him about it later.
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Old 09-10-2009, 02:19 PM
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I have a hard time with that too. I think it comes with our territory.
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Old 09-10-2009, 07:10 PM
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I talked to him. And he understood. He also knows a bit about codependency so i guess that helps. I'm glad i actually spoke up. I would've just not said anything to keep the other person happy. But that would've hurt me more. Trying to keep up with something that wasn't good. So. I feel better.
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Old 09-10-2009, 08:36 PM
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Good for you! I'm also trying to learn to speak up about these things instead of staying silent to try to make someone else happy. It's a process. You did a good job. Be proud of yourself.

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Old 09-11-2009, 05:33 AM
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Originally Posted by 03fifteen View Post
I met this new person online (on a different website)
That's a whole 'nother barrel of issues -- perhaps somewhat beyond the scope of ACoA stuff, but since you bring it up... I met my wife on-line back in 1993. It's a long-long story, but it wasn't until after we'd been an item for almost two years, and I had moved 1,000 miles to go live with her, that I figured out that she was an alcoholic -- with some pretty advanced health problems as a result of long-term drinking.

We felt we knew each other really well, from a combination of e-mail, phone calls, and -- over the course of a year and a half -- visits lasting a few days or a week at a time... but boy was I wrong! Making it work on a day-to-day basis was a different kettle of fish entirely -- never mind the alcoholism thing (which I was blissfully ignorant of at the time; we drank together at times, although I never drank much, and somehow, I did not figure out what was going on until much later).

As it turns out, it had a happy ending (so far, ODAAT, no one knows the future, usual disclaimers apply), that is, things worked out and we're still together, and have not had a drink in 13+ years, but if I'd known what I was getting into at the time, I might have turned off my computer, as it was a rollllllller coaster for a long time!

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Old 09-11-2009, 11:02 AM
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Hahaha. I'm glad things have worked out for you. It's true that you never quite know what you're getting into. When I married for the first time, I married my best friend from college, someone I'd known for more than 10 years. It took a while before I realized he had some very serious issues surrounding trust and the truth; that he was a practicing alcoholic (hey, just like my AF! Funny that!) and that he had no idea how to make a marriage work. When I found out he'd been sleeping with one of my so-called friends, well, that was that.

I met my current husband online, and I can honestly say he is without a doubt the healthiest and most "normal" person I think I've ever been around. Not only has he helped me overcome my baggage from my first marriage, he has actively supported and encouraged my recovery from my childhood, AF, codie mom. He's taught me what "normal" is -- which as an ACOA, I never knew. (Neither did first husband, BTW, as BOTH his parents were alcoholics.) I don't think, if it weren't for him, I would be in recovery today.

But I dated around enough online to know that indeed, you never quite know who you're going to wind up dealing with! I'm thrilled to know that you had a happy ending.
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Old 09-11-2009, 01:16 PM
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I dont want to look for love online. I'm sure, after a while, I'll find someone here to love. I just want to make sure I've got some things figured out first. thanks for all your help so far everyone.
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Old 09-12-2009, 04:38 PM
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what popped out for me what "he seems to care"

We do really crave for someone to care,
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Old 09-12-2009, 06:29 PM
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That's always been true for me too.

I could run into someone on the street who seemed to "feel my pain" and seemed to show even a little bit of caring for me, and WHAM, it was loooove.

I was so desperate for those things that I fell fast, every time, and in the face of a forest of red flags waving every time.

Good for you, 03fifteen, for reaching out for reinforcement instead!!!
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Old 09-14-2009, 05:54 PM
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Today he's proved to me more that he just wants to be a good friend. Having him, he's showed me even more that my past relationship that i was just in was way toxic for me. I'm so glad i got out of the relationship when i did. I'm glad it was long distance cause it would've been even harder for me to get out of. Earlier when i first left him i was missing him like mad, not being able to wait till i could talk to him again. Now i'm not so sure if i want to talk to him again. Or what I might say. Maybe i'll make a different topic for that.
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