worthyoflove

My grandmother who never drank or smoked started telling me about what she did when she was very young. She found a bottle of wine and drank the whole bottle, then proceeded to hang off the fire escape outside the window of her living room. I can remember her constantly trying to get me to exercise and lose weight while I was growing up. I thought I had an eating disorder, but it was her eating disorder. I cut the cord with her last year. Because of the severing of the cord with her, her behavior became very erratic. She became very passive-aggressive. It was like seeing the real her. She started spending time with a woman in her apartment building. I stayed away for a long time and when I stopped by to see her, she had started picking up characteristics of her friend. She also had a scale to check her weight everyday. She was losing weight rapidly. This was the eeriest experience I have ever had. It's almost like she never developed her own self, so she would try to find it through other people. After cutting ties with her, she aged rapidly. It's almost like she was feeding off me and other people. She won't speak to me anymore because I severed ties with her for a long time. This may sound cold, but I really don't care that she won't speak to me. Has anyone experienced this in recovery?

Iwanttoheal

Hi WOL

I don't know about experiencing it in recovery as I am only days into that process myself but I can relate to what you are talking about. My mother (codie) is like a chameleon - she will "take on" the personality of whoever she is with. I've watched her adopt other people's mannerisms, adopt their accent and repeat what they say like it's her own thought or opinion. That last trait becomes even more pronounced when she is speaking to someone in authority eg teacher, minister, doctor. She always copies her friend in what she wears and has done for years and years.

IWTH xxx

tromboneliness

This is what we have to be careful of saying. It kind of gives us the illusion that we have control over their behavior -- because they go into a fit of self-destructiveness to try to get us back into their orbit.

I have a friend who was involved with a woman who was addicted to all sorts of stuff (heroin, coke, booze, you name it). He moved to another state -- for reasons unrelated to that -- and after having said he'd let her come along with him, decided it would be better not to. "If you leave me, I'll end up dead," was her reply.

Sure enough, a week or so later, she was found dead in a crack house in the 'hood.

In a case like this, a lot of times we feel horrible -- as if we caused their self-destructive behavior. That's how they want us to feel -- but nonetheless, we did not cause them to self-destruct. That's something only they can do. It may seem like we caused it, but no -- they were in the process of doing it anyway. My buddy's girlfriend the druggie was on the road to ruin to begin with, of her own doing. The cliché that something "drove me to drink" is hogwash -- a lame excuse for doing what they wanted to do anyway.

But ya, my buddy wasn't happy with what happened, even though it wasn't his fault....

T

takincareome

That's really interesting about your grandmother, WOL. But I will say that my mother is a lot like IWTH's, something we previously have remarked on. She is so insecure that I've seen her adopt people's mannerisms, agree with stuff she normally wouldn't agree with, etc., just to "be nice."

And of course, good thoughts, as always, tromboneliness.

GiveLove

Worthy,
My sister used to take on the personalities of the people she spent time with. She had a phase where she became a good-old-boy's partner, then a phase where she was violent and indignant about everything, then a racist phase....there were many personality changes. I used to think it was just another indication of someone who was not strong in themselves...didn't really know WHO they were, so they became others.

I have experienced the feeling that you describe, as well. What my mind tells me in those times is: "I just can't afford to care about this right now." I like to think it's normal, but hey, what's normal when you're ACOA?

Doing great -- hang in there.