Surviving abuse: I went to see a therapist today...
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Surviving abuse: I went to see a therapist today...
All I can say is WOW, WOW, WOW.
I didn't realise there was so much poison inside me. She just pressed eject and it all came spewing out of me. She could barely get a world in edgeways - I talked non-stop for an hour (people who know me will shake their heads in disbelief; I am more of the listen and respond minimally-type in company). I cried - really cried, I didn't realise pain could go that deep, I keened, I wailed. I ranted, raged and swore - all about my mother, not the alkie - the codie.
It's almost like over the years I have resolved my issues with my dead AF - he was just a pathetic drunk - end of, nothing more to say. It's a waste of my life to even give him the time of day in my thoughts.
So now it's time to deal with the other perpetrator of the abuse I suffered, my mother.
At one point during my verbal and emotional dump, I panicked. I wasn't looking at the therapist, I thought "she doesn't believe me, she's not saying a word, she thinks my story isn't that bad and that I'm just a pathetic, whinging female who should just put up and shut up".
I looked over at her as I continued to talk. She wasn't saying anything because she couldn't, she was choked. Her eyes were full of tears and compassion. She was physically wincing as I was telling my story.
I sat there and thought "IWTH, HOW MUCH MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED THAT YOU WERE A VICTIM OF ABUSE. You have silenced an experienced family therapist and made her cry." I knew at that point I was going to be okay, not just because of her response but because of the feeling I had inside.
Yes, it was that bad. Simple as that, not shouted out at anyone but just quietly admitted to myself and accepted. Yes, it was that bad. I did not deserve to be treated in that way. I am worth so much more that that.
So, I'm going back to the therapist. We are going to work through me as a victim of parental alcoholic / codie abuse, me as a survivor of abuse and me as a seperate entity, independent of my codie Mum and alcoholic brother, who has the right to choose to interact with healthy people who are good for me. (H*ll couples divorce for so much less than I have been through. So I am choosing to divorce and move on).
I'm doing good.
I didn't realise there was so much poison inside me. She just pressed eject and it all came spewing out of me. She could barely get a world in edgeways - I talked non-stop for an hour (people who know me will shake their heads in disbelief; I am more of the listen and respond minimally-type in company). I cried - really cried, I didn't realise pain could go that deep, I keened, I wailed. I ranted, raged and swore - all about my mother, not the alkie - the codie.
It's almost like over the years I have resolved my issues with my dead AF - he was just a pathetic drunk - end of, nothing more to say. It's a waste of my life to even give him the time of day in my thoughts.
So now it's time to deal with the other perpetrator of the abuse I suffered, my mother.
At one point during my verbal and emotional dump, I panicked. I wasn't looking at the therapist, I thought "she doesn't believe me, she's not saying a word, she thinks my story isn't that bad and that I'm just a pathetic, whinging female who should just put up and shut up".
I looked over at her as I continued to talk. She wasn't saying anything because she couldn't, she was choked. Her eyes were full of tears and compassion. She was physically wincing as I was telling my story.
I sat there and thought "IWTH, HOW MUCH MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED THAT YOU WERE A VICTIM OF ABUSE. You have silenced an experienced family therapist and made her cry." I knew at that point I was going to be okay, not just because of her response but because of the feeling I had inside.
Yes, it was that bad. Simple as that, not shouted out at anyone but just quietly admitted to myself and accepted. Yes, it was that bad. I did not deserve to be treated in that way. I am worth so much more that that.
So, I'm going back to the therapist. We are going to work through me as a victim of parental alcoholic / codie abuse, me as a survivor of abuse and me as a seperate entity, independent of my codie Mum and alcoholic brother, who has the right to choose to interact with healthy people who are good for me. (H*ll couples divorce for so much less than I have been through. So I am choosing to divorce and move on).
I'm doing good.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Georgia (the state, not the country!)
Posts: 108
Wow
Wow indeed!
We are so very alike. I came to terms in a lot of ways with my AF a long time ago (although he still pisses me off from time to time). But yeah, I'm in therapy too, for the same reason: codie Mom.
I've found both therapy and al-anon to be very helpful. I'm so pleased you are taking this step. It really does help.
And you ARE doing good. You're figuring out how to take care of yourself, because we -- you and I -- never did learn quite how to do that. Good for you! I'm so happy for you. You've made my day!
BIG HUG
:ghug3
We are so very alike. I came to terms in a lot of ways with my AF a long time ago (although he still pisses me off from time to time). But yeah, I'm in therapy too, for the same reason: codie Mom.
I've found both therapy and al-anon to be very helpful. I'm so pleased you are taking this step. It really does help.
And you ARE doing good. You're figuring out how to take care of yourself, because we -- you and I -- never did learn quite how to do that. Good for you! I'm so happy for you. You've made my day!
BIG HUG
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Awesome, just awesome. That is such a wonderful, healing post. I am so glad you went and that you felt validated.
You're right, you deserve to be treated with love and respect. You are worth it. You are a wonderful, beautiful child of God and you will overcome all the "brain washing" your parents forced upon you.
((((( hugs ))))))
Mike
You're right, you deserve to be treated with love and respect. You are worth it. You are a wonderful, beautiful child of God and you will overcome all the "brain washing" your parents forced upon you.
((((( hugs ))))))
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
HOORAY!!! HOORAY!!!
I just finished posting on your other thread about "lies we've been fed and starting over". If you haven't read my post there, try to when you can.
It is such encouragement to me to hear you say all this. I, too, see a therapist. We covered my divorce from my narcissist husband. Then we moved to my codie mother treating my sister like the queen. That, of course made me Cinderella. We are just starting on "Mommie Dearest", so I'm glad to see that you're making such progress on this as I move into my journey with it.
I had issues, of course, with my AF. But unlike so many, my AF was actually my nurturer when I was growing up (in adulthood, too). He was the person who took me to the doctor, helped me with my homework, fed my self-esteem, etc. I always said that any good qualities I had and any self-esteem I had came from him. He passed away years ago. Unfortunately, he was addicted to alcohol and created chaos in our family for years. But he was still the one person who made me feel loved and appreciated...so go figure!
My mother...that's a different story. Keep posting...you give me hope!!
I just finished posting on your other thread about "lies we've been fed and starting over". If you haven't read my post there, try to when you can.
It is such encouragement to me to hear you say all this. I, too, see a therapist. We covered my divorce from my narcissist husband. Then we moved to my codie mother treating my sister like the queen. That, of course made me Cinderella. We are just starting on "Mommie Dearest", so I'm glad to see that you're making such progress on this as I move into my journey with it.
I had issues, of course, with my AF. But unlike so many, my AF was actually my nurturer when I was growing up (in adulthood, too). He was the person who took me to the doctor, helped me with my homework, fed my self-esteem, etc. I always said that any good qualities I had and any self-esteem I had came from him. He passed away years ago. Unfortunately, he was addicted to alcohol and created chaos in our family for years. But he was still the one person who made me feel loved and appreciated...so go figure!
My mother...that's a different story. Keep posting...you give me hope!!
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