worthyoflove

I cannot believe what an idiot I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The whole time I felt sorry for my family due to their disease, like an absolute idiot!!! I thought I wasn't a good enough daughter and grand daughter. I went to a meeting tonight and heard it straight from a recovering alcoholic's mouth. It was like he was explaining why they did the horrible things to me that they did. I HATE THEM! I was trying to get my degree in college and to do something with my life and they would pull the rug out from under my feet or lash out at me. The guy said the reason for the lashing out is because of jealousy and that he would purposely do mean things to people he worked with that he felt less than. This explains a lot of things that have happened. Now, I know why I felt paranoid that my family was out to get me. How cruel to do that to someone. I can't stand any of them anymore. They are cut from my life. I always tried to placate or jump through hoops, thinking I must have done something wrong. How could a family profess their love for you and do horrible things to sabotage your life??????????? I wouldn't even think of doing that to my children. Not in a million years. May God have mercy on their souls. I hope and pray they find happiness in their life, but I won't be around to find out.

And, my father never had cancer!!!!!!!!!!! He was f'in lying to make people feel sorry for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DesertEyes

Hi there

I'm sorry you're dealing with such an awful truth. It really sucks. I know, been there, done that. The good news is that you are breaking free of the denial that is so common with us ACoA. That anger you mention is exactly the way I felt too.

By the way, I don't think you're an idiot at all. When I was a child in a "toxic" home I was just that. A child. I had no other reality to believe other than what I was brainwashed into believing. Children are not idiots for being brainwashed, they are _victims_.

I am not a victim anymore. I am a survivor, and I am _overcoming_ all that brainwashing. Sounds to me like you are doing the same thing.

Mike

GiveLove

(((worthyoflove)))

Keep learning and growing and fighting.

worthyoflove

I'm so glad you guys are here. I thought I was being paranoid growing up at certain things. No wonder I don't trust anyone. Who could after being treated this way growing up. Is it possible for HP to protect us and guide us to healthier places?

Iwanttoheal

Hi worthyoflove

I just wanted to say (((hugs))) and that I think you are incredibly brave to let this crashing realisation in. I am letting my own realisation in in tiny controlled chunks.

Stay strong, I'm thinking of you., the recovering alcoholic is telling the truth.

Eleven years ago my husband left me for another woman. I blamed him 100%. I went to see a very good therapist (this is the one who tried to make me look at the fact that I was an abused child but I wasn't ready to let that one in); she made me see that yes my husband was 50% responsible but she enabled me to confront the fact and accept that I was also 50% responsible. My husband wasn't married to an equal partner, he was married to a clingy, needy child who wanted him to take care of her. It is not nice to look at yourself truthfully and yes, the truth often hurts, I tried to manipulate and control him to make my fear go away. I didn't like what I saw. The good news is that it allowed me to grow up. These days, my husband (the same man) is married to an adult partner. I get things right, I get things wrong as does he but we keep working on it. These days, I am with him, not because I need him, not because I'm scared to be on my own but because I choose to be with him and I like being with him.

It struck me after reading your post that I have never applied this thinking to my own mother and brother. They are me, the needy, clinging children and I am my husband, the person who gave and gave and gave trying to care for, look after and parent. He could never do enough, so he gave up and went looking elsewhere for the love and respect he deserved.

I am not finding it easy to give up, there is no replacement fairytale mother and brother waiting in the wings to take their place just like you have no replacement mother and grandmother. I don't know about a hp but I do know that you will find the strength inside YOU, it is there, you just have to trust yourself.

When my husband left me, I learnt to live on my own and I learnt to provide financially and emotionally for my children. I grew up and became independent. It wasn't easy but the rewards were great.

From today, I am going to dig deep and rediscover all that strength I had eleven years ago and apply it to my relationship with my mother and brother. While I am rocky and unsure I am going to remain behind the walls I have erected while I build up my own strength and look after me.

Bizarre thought of the day, I wish I could divorce my mother and brother so that it would be legally recognised by society that I no longer wish to be part of these two people's lives.

Keep strong and much love, IWTH xxx

worthyoflove

I'm talking about when I was living with my parents and I was paying rent, working 3 jobs, and going to college full-time. I was never around and when I was I was busy with school work. My father would make comments about all people who went to college are spoiled brats. He was furious and would call me stupid. The man who spoke last night said that he was so jealous he would purposely do really nasty things to people who had degrees. He said he hated people who went to college because he felt inferior. I'm not talking about a husband. My mother was so needy she would project her stuff onto me and sabotage my efforts at independence. It was a war I couldn't possibly win.

tromboneliness

Ha -- that's not bizarre at all. Just speaking for myself, I can say without hesitation that if my Dad and I were the same age, I would have no choice but to kick him out of my life. The interaction we have is so one-way and unhealthy that I'd just have to say, hang the consequences, I'm outta here! Because he's 89 and I'm 46, I don't have to do that -- I'm just running the clock out on him. I know that he's only got a short time left, probably not more than 2-3 years or so at the most (although he's always been physically vigorous, and I could see him lasting a bit longer than that -- but certainly not another 30-40 years or whatever I supposedly have left, knock wood, no one knows the future, que será será, usual disclaimers apply).

But yeah, if my Dad were some other close relative and I was looking at another several decades of interaction, I'd have to say no way, get out of my life, I'm blocking your phone number, return to sender!

T

dothi

(((((((((((WOL)))))))))))))

This is something I have watched and experienced with my family also. I watched my sister (the scapegoat) fight her way out of my family - dropping out of high school, running away from home, string of bad relationships, and then finally working her way back through school and a college program. And yet she is still yelled at on the phone when she mentions doing something that AF doesn't approve. Even though she is set to start earning more than him, he is determined to believe that she is the f*ck-up.

Achievement from an underdog like yourself is a STRONG message and trigger for feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, etc. It forces them to confront their own shame and unwillingness to change (easier to be "trapped" and helpless, right?). If you can do it, then really, what's stopping them beside themselves? How inconvenient is that to admit? How dare you!

takincareome

I agree with what everyone else said here. Remember that it's OK for you to be angry. You're healing.

I'm so proud of all of you folks. You're doing such wonderful things with your own lives and your own healing and recovery. It's an inspiration.

I also agree that you aren't an idiot. It really is brainwashing, what goes on in such toxic families, including mine. Don't lose sight of your own worth, no matter what people tell you, no matter how much it hurts.

GROUP HUG!
:ghug2

Goldberry

WOL.......I too agree that this idea of jealousy making Alcoholics/codies say and do things to get back at us makes a lot of sense. I guess I see it in my Amom too. When I tell her something good she seems to be happy for me and says nice things but I think deep down she is envious. Sometimes I have to be careful not to share certain things with her because I know it will make her jealous and eventually, maybe days later, she may say something mean, or criticize me out of the blue. It makes me wonder what on earth did I do? With my mom it's not education, it's relationships. She is jealous that I have a good relationship with my husband and sons while she is not happy. She tries to sabotage our relationships too. It's hard to keep everything good that happens to us from them but we can't live our lives to please them or be fearful of their response. I do think we need to recognize the problem and try to maybe detach ourselves from them but show love. Kind of like overcoming evil with good. Very hard to do and I am still working on it myself. I don't always succeed but I do have more victories than I use to. I have always been the stronger one in the family and it seems you are too. You are making your way in this world with your obstacles conquered . They see this and are dismayed that you have done this and they can't. You have overcome!!!! Praise God for your transformation. Keep looking up!