Goldberry

This is an update really. I had originally posted my posts on the first category of Family and Friends but I think this could go here too. I am thankful for all your suggestions and have relay some of them to my dad. After my mom's out of the blue mean call to me in which I yelled at her and she hung up. I emailed my dad a couple of times to see how he was and give him some advice. Maybe I have no business giving advice since I am newer to this disease of Alcoholism. You see my mom was not an alcoholic when I was growing up. She has since become one (red or white wine) since. I'm not sure when it started but I know it has been going on for years and getting worse. My dad has lived with it and has basically done nothing. She has a lot of past hurts and keeps dwelling on them. Bad News! She has turned to wine to alleviate her stress and depression. Sad. He is weak and yells a lot etc... It's a vicious cycle. Anyhow, he called last night and he sounded so sad, it broke my heart. He said he read my emails and had to hide them from my mom because she was snooping around. I told him what I thought about boundaries, what to do if things get uncomfortable with her, etc...Things some of you lovingly suggested. Also what this disease is and what it does to the family, especially him. I want them both to be happy in this time of life and it makes me so sad that they are miserable most of the time. He said to me that she is doing better today and trying to not drink or whatever. I just told him he was fooling himself it he thought she could change on her own. Was i right? Isn't this a disease that needs treatment? She is not going to stop cold turkey and not go into severe shakes etc... She is also so stubborn and is usually the helper not the helpee. She hates being helped. I feel this will be hard for them. Yes, they had a good day at the marina, but that does not mean things have changed. She sneaks her drinking sometimes. I caught her at 10 in the morning with water mixed with wine. When I called her on it she denied it, dumped it out and refilled it with water. My dad said he would watch her but I know he can't watch her every second. I told him he still needs support and someone he can call or better yet and alanon meeting. He is also stubborn. They are old school and this would be embarrassing. They are in their 70's! What else can I tell him?
Right now I do not want to talk to my mom. I fear it will be another attack on me or she could be so loving and sorry and I forgive her. I feel I can't be close to her when she is like this right now. I love her dearly but it hurts when she throws things from the past in our faces. She is also so codependent on me at times saying how she needs me. I live about 3 hrs away with my family. She doesn't like that at all.
Thanks for listening and for all your support for me and others who are hurting much more than I am. I read your posts and say "Whoa" It's amazing all the hurt we can cause each other.

dothi

This isn't it exactly, but it's close. What I learned from my parents was that my sudden insights - while powerful in my world - were not nearly so potent against my parents' relationship which has had lifetimes of self-reinforcing and fine-tuning behavior. Both my parents have dysfunctional-family issues that go back into their childhood that they have not addressed. While us "children" are thankfully identifying the cause of our struggles back at day one, trying to get a parent to reach the same epiphany in their current relationship (without having done the footwork in confronting their own past) is a mighty chore. Mighty say for a therapist - impossible for a child.

I think we are too emotionally involved to properly guide a parent through recovery - our hopes for ourselves and sense of success becomes tied to them. In my own experience trying to get the codependent parent to "wake up" has only failed my expectations - has left me feeling like I'm a failure for not saving my mom, just as I already feel for "not saving" my dad. I get caught up in trying to "save" them, and have to be reminded, "I wasn't born to be my parent's counsellor."

With my codie mom, me pushing isn't going to change her. Just like AF, she has to want to change for herself if any real change is going to happen. In the meantime I can keep boundaries, distance with love, and hope one day she will be healthy. Frankly, I'm finding dealing with the codie parent not much different from dealing with the alcoholic - except that after a lot of distancing with love, I can actually handle talking to my mom in small doses!

My sister often says, "You may have concerns which I'm not even aware of. So how can I assume my advice will help you make the best decision?"

takincareome

I'm with Dothi, I have the same issues with my codie parent, who also happens to be my mom.

I'd encourage both of you -- you and your dad -- to look into al-anon or at least read some of its books, if you can't bring yourself to attend a meeting. You could also think about an intervention, if you want to or you think it would do any good (sometimes it only makes things worse if the person is absolutely opposed to treatment).

If your mom is hiding her morning drinking and denying it, that alone is a pretty good indication to me that she knows there's a problem there, even if she will never admit it.

Meanwhile, you take care of YOU. You can't make your dad do or not do anything; that's his responsibility. Yelling and screaming at your mom will only make yourself crazy. It won't change anything. If you don't want to talk to her, don't talk to her. But try to study up on loving detachment. It's hard; Lord, it's been the hardest thing I've ever done with my codie mom. But the sense of inner peace you gain from it (not resentment from doing something you don't want to do or dropping everything to be the caretaker) is so worth it.

And please, remember that we're here. You, your mom and dad are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.

Goldberry

Thank you for your thoughts. I can see that it's true that I want to "save them" in my mind. Right now my mom won't talk to me either. Maybe she knows I am upset with her or she is trying to keep me away from the situation so she can keep drinking...I don't know. Yes, I am very willing to go to an al anon meeting and will soon. There is one close by. My cousin called last night to tell me that my dad called her mom, my mom's sister, to say my mom had been mixing wine and hard alcohol and was falling. I don't know what he thought my aunt could do, she lives an hour away and doesn't really drive much. She's 78! I think he was scared and maybe thought if she talked to my mom, my mom would go to bed or something??? I will definitely go to a meeting soon or call them. I need to know how to be careful with my words and distance myself with love. How do I study or perform loving detachment??
My prayers are with you too, thanks