Iwanttoheal

Hi all

I would really appreciate any thoughts, advice or shared experiences on this post.

A quick recap on my story - 4 days ago I went No Contact with my Codie mother and alcoholic brother (AF died 21 years ago). I'm 44.

I stated in a previous post that I did not feel vengeful or vindictive towards my Mum and brother. I also stated that I feel calm and resolute with the course of action I have initiated. To my amazement, these feelings still hold true. The resonance is still there GiveLove.

I can assign responsibility where it belongs and feel anger towards what happened to me without feeling vengeful or vindictive. I know I feel calm and resolute because each morning I wake up and feel at peace with what I have chosen to do - WOW. I have no regrets and no feelings of OMG WTF have I done. It feels right and that feels good.

So far so good....

....am I at peace? No, I recognise I have a long, long way to go, it may even be a life-long journey. Now there's a thought to spoil your breakfast - I don't want to live with what's in my head for the rest of my life.

I see myself as at the awareness and acceptance stage. I have established physical no contact but am still emotionally and psychologically enmeshed. Now I expected this, I understood it would not be as simple as just not seeing them again and walking away to get on with the rest of my life.

My problem is that I am unsure how best to move forward, I feel directionless - I don't know whether to go up, down, left, right, forward or what. The only thing I know for certain is that I don't want to go backwards. I honestly don't know what to do now.

One thing that springs to mind is that I want to stop obsessing over what has happened in the past and what might happen in the future. I live FAR TOO MUCH of my life in my head and I drive myself NUTS when I cannot stop myself obsessing BUT I do not have the faintest idea how to stop doing this healthily. In the past I have been a workaholic or exercised excessively - I have stopped the obsessing by working myself to exhaustion - that stops the obsessing alright but it ain't exactly a healthy way to do it.

Any advice on stopping obsessing and / or how I can start to move forward would be very gratefully received.

The second part of my post is to do with Narcissism. For I while now I have wondered if my mother was suffering from an undiagnosed mental illness, some form of personality disorder. During my reading around I have come across Narcissism and Emotional Vampirism. I am not an expert nor a psychologist to effect a diagnosis but all I can say is that I was physically sick after I read about Narcissism. It describes my mother's behaviour and attitude exactly - she is a perfect fit.

The Alcoholic Enabler/Codependent and the Narcissistic Enabler/Codependent - what a perfect sick combination and they were/are my parents - eughh.

I am interested to see if anyone else out there has a similar connection in their families.

Thanks for reading, IWTH xxx

takincareome

My mom was the total Alcoholic Enabler/Codependent. She was the big martyr, too. Poor pitiful me, I put up with your father's crap for all these years, and then what does he do? He leaves me for someone else. She hated the man, she did not want to stay married to him and now that he is remarried you'd think he just ripped out her heart and stomped on it. Very strange.

I'm 36, btw. My ex-husband was (is) a narcissist and an alcoholic, so I have some limited experience with that.

As far as the obsessing part, you need to find an outlet. Call a friend, especially a recovery friend. Keep a journal. Talk to your HP, God, whoever. I've found that getting my thoughts down on paper is a good way for me to get my concerns out, regardless of whoever else sees them. It might be worth a shot.

I'm an obsesser from way back, too, and I completely understand. Hugs to you. I'm very proud of you for taking this step. I know it was a big one.

DesertEyes

The next stage after Awarenes and Acceptance is _Action_. The usual recommendation is al-anon, therapy and reading. Not necesarily in that order.

Al-anon had done wonders for me. I strongly recommend it. They have a huge selection of literature, my fav is "From Survival to Recovery". I don't know about your side of the "pond", but over here some of the al-anon meets focus on ACoA issues. My town is too small for an ACoA meet, but if you can find one of those all the better.

I had a couple of good therapists that did me worlds of good. They gave me all kinds of "homework" that helped me gain a great deal of insight.

hmmmm.... well.... if you want to stop obsessing over the past you cannot change, perhaps you should stop doing research on narcissim Instead use that time to interview therapists and meetings of al-anon to see which ones will be a good fit for you.

I dunno about mine. I am too emotionally close to the situation to be able to be objective about diagnosing my parents. They were toxic, they did me a great deal of harm, they drank and drugged, they were violent, and pedophiles. That's all I need to know. Their diagnosis doesn't do _me_ any good, so I'm going to focus on the ACoA version of the serenity prayer.

HP, grant me the serenity to accept the past I cannot change.
The courage to change the future I can.
And the wisdom to start today.

Mike