Marigolds

Since I found Al-anon and these forums, I've been sort of "reprocessing" a lot of past history with my ACOA husband and his family, now trying to make sense of things that have happened over the years.

A little background: FIL was alcoholic when my H was growing up, he stopped drinking around the time my H was in high school, but I think he would be described as a dry drunk, he never did AA or counseling or anything. I think he stopped drinking out of stubborness. He reminds me of a mean Archie Bunker.

One incident that I've been thinking about is what I call the "Terrible Tuna Tantrum." One year after we'd bought our house, FIL and MIL came to visit.
It happened to be on Good Friday and they don't eat meat on Friday. I didn't know this at the time, besides I have always left cooking for his family up to my H. They were hungry and H offered to make them tuna sandwiches. When FIL realized that we only had water-packed tuna, he started ranting that he "didn't eat that crap! Only oil-packed tuna!!! Everything else is crap!!!"

I had never seen such behavior in a grown man before, I started to laugh. I seriously thought he was joking. MIL and H froze right up and started scurrying around to appease FIL. I was stunned, I realized they were scared. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. H finally made him a peanut butter sandwich and the crisis was averted.

The rest of the weekend was spent with FIL being crabby, complaining about the food, insulting everyone, MIL and H trying to keep him busy by taking him boat shopping. Oddly enough, when my H took MIL to church and left me alone with FIL, FIL was really well behaved, acted almost like a normal person.

It's been a couple of years ago, H has never invited them back, thank god.

Anyway, this incident has always been really disturbing to me. Now I know that it wasn't my fault, but my biggest question is: What in the world was that? Alcoholism or something else like mental illness? And how to handle this if I am ever in this situation again.

For many years I felt uncomfortable with his parents, and H would blameshift me, telling me I was too sensitive, that's just the way they are, etc. I pretty much avoid them as much as possible and only see them at weddings/funerals. For years I thought I was the crazy one.

tromboneliness

Tuna tantrums? I thought only cats had those!

T

dothi

To me this is reaffirming evidence that A's are capable of perfectly normal behavior - that their behavior is a choice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marigolds

H would blameshift me, telling me I was too sensitive, that's just the way they are, etc.

Popular, steadfast piece of advice: believe what people tell you about themselves. For your husband this is the way they are. He doesn't see FIL's normal behavior - he sees this in all it's glory, and (even worse) accepts it as normal.

My partner has also been apalled a few times at visits with my parents. While it makes him angry, it's also given him some insight into some of my own behaviors. For example, I am really sensitive about broken promises over trivial things like housework. This used to spark some really nasty behavior in me (matyrdom, passive-aggressiveness, etc.)

But over the course of a few visits with my parents (and my AF drinking his way thru special occassions), it's become clear to my partner and I that I'm replaying the relationship I grew up watching between my codie mom and AF. Mom would ask AF to do something. He would neglect. She would react with passive-aggressive anger.

It wasn't enough for my partner to ask "why are you getting so pissed off?" because usually I didn't know. I just was. The solution that has worked for us is that now he lets me know if he's going to leave the dishes overnight (just a brief verbalization). It alleviates my anxiety that it's not going to get done, and like my mom, I'll be stuck cleaning everything up.

If you can, use these observations for insight into your husband's behavior. Next time you butt heads over FIL's behavior and your husband claims "it's the way they are", assert, "that's not the way family is for me." It sounds like your husband may still need to recognize that abuse is still abuse, whether it's from a family member or a stranger. You could try asserting that you are not a daughter-in-law so that you can be abused; neither is your husband as a son.

If you and your husband can get on the same page, dealing with FIL may come more easily for you. Does your husband acknowledge that his father's behavior can be abusive?

Iwanttoheal

Hi Marigolds

I can relate to where your husband is in all this. I'm a 44 yr old ACOA.

For me, it was a form of denial. You say to yourself, it is just the way they are because it is. For years you have been conditioned to keep the alcoholic and co-dependent happy. Keep the peace at any cost, don't disturb the fragile balance because if you do the world will fall apart and uncontrolled chaos will follow. It is an extreme form of bullying and abuse that we are conditioned to accept. We become so used to this abuse that we don't recognise it but we know how to respond instinctively to it to keep the peace. We don't recognise it as abuse because this is the life we have lived since childhood, it is our normality. Also we may be getting messages from the co-dependent such as "it is not as bad as all that" - head, wrecking stuff.

There's good advice from Dothi above. Keep reinforcing the message that this is inappropriate behaviour in YOUR home. Your response of laughter was the correct one - he behaved like a child having a tantrum because he didn't get what he wanted.

Gently try to see if your husband recognises that abuse is taking place. Don't be surprised is he runs screaming from the possibility - it took me 11 years to finally accept how bad it had been after it was first put to me that I had been abused. However, once it had been put to me, it niggled away at me until I was finally able to let it in and accept it.

Marigolds

Thanks so much for the replies, it helps to see a little bit of what's going on with my H.
It has taken years, but he does finally admit that he has a lot in common with ACOAs. But, he says, it doesn't affect him now, and he doesn't need help, all the while I live in fear and freak out whenever I see an inkling of FIL appearing in him. He hates people telling him what to do in any way, shape or form, yet asks me to remind him to do things. I feel like our whole relationship is a big game of sorts. Our marriage counselor says to be careful not to "mother" him.

I suppose this is normal for him, I never really realized that, as dumb as that sounds. I remember him telling me how proud he was that he learned to drive at 10 years old - so he could drive his father home from the bars. I just remember feeling so sorry for him.

My H has lots of anger issues, although he denies that in marriage counseling - yet nearly every trip in the car with him he has road rage. I would say he's got his drinking under control, but it has been a problem in the past.

Are there any resources out their for spouses of ACOAs? I know I'm probably a huge enabler/codependent.

takincareome

I enjoyed the tuna story. I can't believe how crazy this disease makes some people act. (Not that it's funny, but you know.)

I just bought my husband a copy of a book called, "Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic." He says it's been an interesting read, mainly because it's written TO him. (He's not a big self-help reader.) But he hasn't put it down so ...

Also, even if it's not your spouse who is the alcoholic (even though you say his drinking has been an issue in the past), I'm glad you found Al-Anon. I'm sure it helps in dealing with him and his family.