Should I write my brother an email?
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
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Should I write my brother an email? The recap. I've moved across the country to put some distance between me and my parents (alcoholic father and codie mom). This past spring I went back to defend my thesis. Decided not to tell AF I would be close (it would just be too difficult fighting to maintain boundaries with him, I decided; I'm still afraid to say no and suffer the guilt of him going into victim-mode). Told my brother in advance that I'd be coming, and he said he would come and see me while I was close. He knew that I wasn't planning to tell or see AF, and said he understood. (growing up my brother and I were very close; I was the family hero, and my brother the mascot; when I moved out, my brother became the hero)
That week came and went. I text messaged him as we had agreed. He acted like he didn't recognize my number. My only other way of getting a hold of him would have been to call the house, where there was the risk of talking to AF if he picked up. There was no way I could handle contact with my AF of any kind. My nerves were shot between a week at a best friend's wedding and then a thesis defense. I wasn't sleeping (would literally just lie in bed, awake, sometimes emotional) and was experiencing dry heaves when my anxiety got high. I was deeply afraid that any contact with my AF would make me snap.
Since the non-visit, my brother and I have not talked at all. I have sent him text messages and have left messages with my mom (she calls me ~twice/month). I remain too afraid to call the house. This is making me feel like an emotional hostage. I am really afraid that if I talk to AF, and he pushes to know when I'm coming home again, I will just lose it on him. (he handled the news of me moving out of province with excessive drinking, fear-mongering and guilt-tripping; when we've talked on the phone his first question is always "when are you coming home?") I am not ready for contact, and may never be.
My brother does drink (just found some photos of him drinking and driving with his friends through the magic of facebook). I have worried that he would become an alcoholic, and I am not there right now to see what is going on day-by-day. I want to email him and ask why no phone call, I miss you, and I want to talk to you.
Is this another loss? If he doesn't respond to the email, should I let go? When I moved away we talked about him visiting me this summer, which has also come and gone. Now I'm figuring that we were probably on the path to sibling estrangement at some point - I just wasn't aware. Was I in denial and deluded with wishful thinking when I moved away?
That week came and went. I text messaged him as we had agreed. He acted like he didn't recognize my number. My only other way of getting a hold of him would have been to call the house, where there was the risk of talking to AF if he picked up. There was no way I could handle contact with my AF of any kind. My nerves were shot between a week at a best friend's wedding and then a thesis defense. I wasn't sleeping (would literally just lie in bed, awake, sometimes emotional) and was experiencing dry heaves when my anxiety got high. I was deeply afraid that any contact with my AF would make me snap.
Since the non-visit, my brother and I have not talked at all. I have sent him text messages and have left messages with my mom (she calls me ~twice/month). I remain too afraid to call the house. This is making me feel like an emotional hostage. I am really afraid that if I talk to AF, and he pushes to know when I'm coming home again, I will just lose it on him. (he handled the news of me moving out of province with excessive drinking, fear-mongering and guilt-tripping; when we've talked on the phone his first question is always "when are you coming home?") I am not ready for contact, and may never be.
My brother does drink (just found some photos of him drinking and driving with his friends through the magic of facebook). I have worried that he would become an alcoholic, and I am not there right now to see what is going on day-by-day. I want to email him and ask why no phone call, I miss you, and I want to talk to you.
Is this another loss? If he doesn't respond to the email, should I let go? When I moved away we talked about him visiting me this summer, which has also come and gone. Now I'm figuring that we were probably on the path to sibling estrangement at some point - I just wasn't aware. Was I in denial and deluded with wishful thinking when I moved away?
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
I am in no way an expert. I can only tell you what I would do in your situation. In fact, I just PM'ed you asking for your article on "Toxic Guilt". I, too, had an AF. He has been deceased for 13 years, but my codie mother was always my biggest problem, so I'm still dealing with that.
It sounds to me like (and I may be interpreting this wrong) you are asking for permission to have a normal and happy life. Please do that for yourself. You have removed yourself from having to deal with your family's illness on an "up close and personal" basis, and I think that's a good thing. Don't feel guilty about bettering yourself...it's a normal process. If you are defending a thesis, you are about to have your doctorate in your field of study, so you are serious about your career.
You are on the right track with your life. Should you derail yourself to maintain relationships with people that aren't? Yes, you love them but there is not one thing you can say or do to change their behavior patterns. Focus on you. It's not selfish as some would have us believe. It's normal and healthy. Fight for yourself and not their problems that you have no control over.
If it were me, I would "love them from a distance", and not jeopardize your future. This is making you ill (you can't sleep, are nauseated when you think of talking to your AF) and I have been there many times and am there again with my mother.
I am 52 years old, so I do have a little "hindsight" and if I could do it all over again, I would do exactly as you are doing. I would have moved away (like my sister did), started a new life, and "loved them from a distance". I would have had a much more peaceful and healthy life.
As far as your brother goes, if it were me, I would write that final email. Not so much to think it would solve any problems, but to get it out from inside me. If you are having physical symptoms, I think it might do you good to get those fears and negative emotions out. Just be prepared, because you never know what the reaction might be. If you don't think you can handle a negative response from your brother or fear it might create a wedge you can't handle, then think long and hard before you send it. Maybe write it one night to get it out, then decide the next day if you want to actually send it.
Please, please, please focus on you. You are worth it and deserve it. You have already lived through dealing with an AF for years. It's okay for you do for yourself...it's not selfish. That's a whole different thing.
My thoughts are with you. Hang in there and keep us posted.
It sounds to me like (and I may be interpreting this wrong) you are asking for permission to have a normal and happy life. Please do that for yourself. You have removed yourself from having to deal with your family's illness on an "up close and personal" basis, and I think that's a good thing. Don't feel guilty about bettering yourself...it's a normal process. If you are defending a thesis, you are about to have your doctorate in your field of study, so you are serious about your career.
You are on the right track with your life. Should you derail yourself to maintain relationships with people that aren't? Yes, you love them but there is not one thing you can say or do to change their behavior patterns. Focus on you. It's not selfish as some would have us believe. It's normal and healthy. Fight for yourself and not their problems that you have no control over.
If it were me, I would "love them from a distance", and not jeopardize your future. This is making you ill (you can't sleep, are nauseated when you think of talking to your AF) and I have been there many times and am there again with my mother.
I am 52 years old, so I do have a little "hindsight" and if I could do it all over again, I would do exactly as you are doing. I would have moved away (like my sister did), started a new life, and "loved them from a distance". I would have had a much more peaceful and healthy life.
As far as your brother goes, if it were me, I would write that final email. Not so much to think it would solve any problems, but to get it out from inside me. If you are having physical symptoms, I think it might do you good to get those fears and negative emotions out. Just be prepared, because you never know what the reaction might be. If you don't think you can handle a negative response from your brother or fear it might create a wedge you can't handle, then think long and hard before you send it. Maybe write it one night to get it out, then decide the next day if you want to actually send it.
Please, please, please focus on you. You are worth it and deserve it. You have already lived through dealing with an AF for years. It's okay for you do for yourself...it's not selfish. That's a whole different thing.
My thoughts are with you. Hang in there and keep us posted.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Georgia (the state, not the country!)
Posts: 108
Hang in there
I agree completely with Leelee. It sounds like you've tried to get hold of your brother a few times and he is not responding. If you want to, write that e-mail, but do it for YOU -- so you can get it out. Send it or don't, although I think there's no harm in it.
If he still isn't responding, I think you are going to have to respect that for now. IMHO if he keeps expecting you to call him and have to deal with AF when he knows you can't and don't want to, he isn't being very respectful of YOUR feelings and needs.
But you can't change his behavior, you can only focus on yourself. And like leelee, I think that should be your priority. Let him know that you love him and miss him and that you're there for him should he want to talk, and then "let go and let God," as they say in al-anon. It's all you can do. And remember: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and I know it's hard. Sending you hugs love and lots of good strong vibes. We're here for you if you need us.
If he still isn't responding, I think you are going to have to respect that for now. IMHO if he keeps expecting you to call him and have to deal with AF when he knows you can't and don't want to, he isn't being very respectful of YOUR feelings and needs.
But you can't change his behavior, you can only focus on yourself. And like leelee, I think that should be your priority. Let him know that you love him and miss him and that you're there for him should he want to talk, and then "let go and let God," as they say in al-anon. It's all you can do. And remember: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and I know it's hard. Sending you hugs love and lots of good strong vibes. We're here for you if you need us.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
Posts: 51
I know just what your up against. After my mom's toxic call to me I sent an email to my dad, who is the codependent, to ask what was going on and if he was okay. I also sent him some info about living with an alcoholic and recovery steps for him etc... I was just worried about him because he is in such bondage with my mom. He has not replied yet and that was 5 days ago. Maybe your brother is in bondage too and is afraid to email you. Does your dad have access to his email or does your brother side with your dad to keep the peace? I wonder whether that's the case with my dad or to email him again too. I do not want to call just like you because I don't want to talk to my mom right now. She said cruel things to me last time. She can be mean and/or depressed when under the influence and so loving and understanding when not. It's like night and day. Right now she is angry with me for yelling at her to get help and stop trashing family members. I sure hope you get in touch with your brother and resume your relationship with him I know how it feels when contact with the ones you love become uncomfortable. But if he is drinking too you have to look after yourself and pray God will show mercy on them to get the help they desperately need.
My prayers and blessings are with you.
My prayers and blessings are with you.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 177
You can try to contact your brother again, but leave the result in HP's hands. Maybe your Dad just really misses you and this is the only way he knows how to tell you? My sponsor had to decipher some of the stuff my AF said. I thought he was being nasty to me on purpose when he was just really concerned about my well-being.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Dothi, sometimes things aren't what we assume they are. There may be reasons why your brother is not comfortable communicating with you right now. There may not be solutions to these, whether or not you connect.
In your shoes, I would write that email and then detach and get on with your life. I would want my brother to know that I loved him, and hoped some day he would feel comfortable contacting me again. Then I'd have to let it go - I'm not interested in becoming my parents, pressuring/guilting/manipulating others to respond to me when it is obvious they simply don't want to.
When he is ready to reconnect with you, he will. I hope that day comes soon.
In your shoes, I would write that email and then detach and get on with your life. I would want my brother to know that I loved him, and hoped some day he would feel comfortable contacting me again. Then I'd have to let it go - I'm not interested in becoming my parents, pressuring/guilting/manipulating others to respond to me when it is obvious they simply don't want to.
When he is ready to reconnect with you, he will. I hope that day comes soon.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Hey there dothi 
I'm sorry to hear that you are going thru some much stress. Toxic families are _always_ heart wrenching.
I hear a lot of "awfulizing" in your post. A picture of your brother drinking does _not_ automatically make him a full blown alcoholic. It's _just_ a picture. Nothing more. Him not responding to you does _not_ mean he is gone _forever_.
In a toxic family everything is always to the extreme. The alcoholics play the extreme victim, and they dump extreme guilt on us kids. You are not in that family anymore. You can see thing in shades of gray, and even in _color_. It's not longer always black.
You did very good doing that. You have put _physcical_ distance between you. I did that too, and it was a big help. Except that I had a really hard time matching the physical distance with equal _emotional_ distance.
A very good description. Since you are the hostage, who is the hostage-taker? Who is keeping your mind spinning with imaginations of what _might_ be happening back there? Who is obsessing about all the bad things that could be happening?
If I was in your situation, it would be _me_ obsessing about what's going on back there. You know, I have a younger brother who became the hero when I left. He was 8 yrs old at the time, and I suffered from loads of guilt for _decades_ because I left him there instead of bringing him with me. I imagined the worst.
My brother grew up. Made his own choices in life. He went thru his dark times, but he managed to pull thru. I found that obessing about him and what his life was like did _him_ no good at all, and just made me a stressed-out wreck. I had to learn to trust that _his_ HP would take care of him, and give my brother the dignity of making his own choices in life. I had to take care of my needs first, get my own emotional health fixed, so that if he ever did need me I would be of use to him.
In my meets they call it "Turning it over"
Mike (((( hugs ))))
I'm sorry to hear that you are going thru some much stress. Toxic families are _always_ heart wrenching.
I hear a lot of "awfulizing" in your post. A picture of your brother drinking does _not_ automatically make him a full blown alcoholic. It's _just_ a picture. Nothing more. Him not responding to you does _not_ mean he is gone _forever_.
In a toxic family everything is always to the extreme. The alcoholics play the extreme victim, and they dump extreme guilt on us kids. You are not in that family anymore. You can see thing in shades of gray, and even in _color_. It's not longer always black.
Originally Posted by dothi 
... I've moved across the country to put some distance between me and my parents ...
Originally Posted by dothi
... This is making me feel like an emotional hostage. ...
If I was in your situation, it would be _me_ obsessing about what's going on back there. You know, I have a younger brother who became the hero when I left. He was 8 yrs old at the time, and I suffered from loads of guilt for _decades_ because I left him there instead of bringing him with me. I imagined the worst.
My brother grew up. Made his own choices in life. He went thru his dark times, but he managed to pull thru. I found that obessing about him and what his life was like did _him_ no good at all, and just made me a stressed-out wreck. I had to learn to trust that _his_ HP would take care of him, and give my brother the dignity of making his own choices in life. I had to take care of my needs first, get my own emotional health fixed, so that if he ever did need me I would be of use to him.
In my meets they call it "Turning it over"
Mike (((( hugs ))))
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Dothi, sending you lots of support ((((hugs)))).
I relate to where you are at the moment. I too have managed to put a physical distance between me and my codie mother and alcoholic brother. I am now working on establishing a healthy emotional distance, one tiny step at a time. It is so very hard untangling unhealthy enmeshed relationships and I am only beginning to scratch the surface of my own codependency in all this mess.
I cannot add anything to the previous posts but I know I will be coming back to reread them.
Look after and take care of yourself, IWTH xxx
I relate to where you are at the moment. I too have managed to put a physical distance between me and my codie mother and alcoholic brother. I am now working on establishing a healthy emotional distance, one tiny step at a time. It is so very hard untangling unhealthy enmeshed relationships and I am only beginning to scratch the surface of my own codependency in all this mess.
I cannot add anything to the previous posts but I know I will be coming back to reread them.
Look after and take care of yourself, IWTH xxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Thank you everybody!!! All of your responses were very helpful - lots of things that I just needed to hear.
Thanks leelee - that did strike a chord. This and what DesertMike shared. Guilt for leaving him behind in that toxic mess is exactly what's weighing me down here. I'm moving forward (slowly, albeit) and my brother is still left simmering in that toxic, toxic environment - stuck between an emotionally codependent father and an abusive (physical & verbal) mother (she vents her anger at AF right onto my brother).
I really think this is why he didn't see me when I was close - he didn't want to have to face AF and explain why he visited me without telling AF. Enmeshment is very strong in my family (one can't do anything without letting the other know; constant reporting and awareness for how the A feels). Talking to me is probably a test of loyalty. But he does have email to which he has private access. He checks it sporadically.
Thank you for giving me the words to articulate what I need to say to him. I don't want to guilt or manipulate; if we talk, it should be because we both want to. You're right - when he is ready, he will contact me again. I'm stuck in the black&white thinking again. Just because that day isn't today, that doesn't mean it's never. 
Email sent. Will post updates.
Originally Posted by leelee5675
It sounds to me like (and I may be interpreting this wrong) you are asking for permission to have a normal and happy life. Please do that for yourself. You have removed yourself from having to deal with your family's illness on an "up close and personal" basis, and I think that's a good thing. Don't feel guilty about bettering yourself...it's a normal process.
Originally Posted by Goldberry
Maybe your brother is in bondage too and is afraid to email you.
Originally Posted by GiveLove
I would want my brother to know that I loved him, and hoped some day he would feel comfortable contacting me again.
Email sent. Will post updates.
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