What the...?

Old 08-26-2009, 02:55 PM
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What the...?

I really should be past trying to understand why my mother does anything, but I can't help but wonder what she is up to now.

Recap: She asked for money (a continuing pattern while she continues to make bad choices). I said no this time. She went crazy. I ignored the onslaught of guilt. She then told me she wasn't angry. Then sent a cool reply to an e-mail. Then we didn't speak for about a week and a half ... a long time when you are this enmeshed (which of course I'm working on).

So then I get an email saying, "are you speaking to me?" I said yes, mother, I was never NOT speaking to you. Have sent her a couple of e-mails that she hasn't really responded to. Also called her and left a vm. No call back.

She sent me a note with some other stuff (I had ordered), got it yesterday. She says, "I love you and I still want to be part of your life." Figured I wouldn't respond since we had made contact since she sent it, but sent her an e-mail telling her I got the stuff, thanks, love you too.

She replies, "You didn't say anything about the note, do you still want to be a part of my life? Or do you not need me in your life anymore?"

I replied, why on earth do you think that? No response.

W-T-F? I'm still trying to figure out what's up here. Is she trying to make me feel guilty? I think she is. But I don't, and I'm not going to continue to run after her to reassure her that I still want her in my life. Still trying to figure out what I did to make her think that .... but you know what, it was probably nothing, wasn't it? I just don't know what she is cooking up now. Thoughts?
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Old 08-27-2009, 02:54 AM
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My thoughts on this:

It's the game or dance of co-dependency, nothing more, nothing less, it is what it is and it IS crazy-making.

It helps me to keep it simple in my owm head - it is what it is, it makes me CRAZY so what am I going to do about it?

Wishing you good luck and peace on your journey to heal you and find the happiness you deserve.

IWTH xxx
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Old 08-27-2009, 07:37 AM
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It sounds like she's trying hard to "out-smart" you - that's why it takes her a while to reply to your messages. Regardless of what you've actually said, she's playing out some drama in her head - something fairly black-and-white. Either you need her and have an immeshed relationship with her, or you don't need her at all. No middle ground.

It also sounds like she's trying to turn things around if she can. First, blowing up your "no" to the money question into a "you're not talking to me anymore" and then turning it around ("do you not need me anymore?"). If you go back running, she's got you back in your perceived position of "needing her" and thus become stuck lending money again (because for your mom, that's how "needing her" seems to work: you need her, and she needs money to stay available for being needed(?)). My crazy-sense is tingling.

What are you expectations for her, now that you've refused to lend money for the first time?
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Old 08-27-2009, 10:05 AM
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My expectations are pretty low, actually. I don't expect her to change because she CAN'T, or at least won't. I would love it if we could at least try to forge some sort of mutually respectful relationship that's free of this drama, but I'm skeptical she will ever be at that point. She's lived with this for so long, I believe she knows no other way.

About the best I can hope for realistically, I think, is that our relationship will remain decent enough on the surface but strained in reality, as I'm not going to be a willing participant in the crazy-making. I do expect her to ask for money again, and I'm going to say no -- assuming I'm able to stay strong, which I plan to. This may or may not lead to an even bigger blowup.

It might actually lead to my cutting her out of my life. I'm not ready to cross that bridge yet but I'm well aware that it might come to that.
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