journeygal

Last night, during an intense conversation with hubby, he made the comment to me that he doesn't think I can ever be happy, regardless of how good or bad things are.

And you know, I'm starting to wonder if he's right. This afternoon I put a rubberband on my wrist to make me aware of any negative thoughts I was having, and any time I started worrying or stressing over something, I popped the rubberband.

You guys would not believe how many welts I have on my wrist right now....

And it's not like I had a bad day! I just have a tendency to look at the world around me through puke-colored glasses. It's a sad revelation, but it's true. I guess I don't know how to count my blessings and look at life through rose-colored, half-full glasses.

Now, it's not always like this. I remember posting here within the past two months or so that I was feeling pretty good about my life, happy even. And don't you know it, God decides to pull the rug from under me! Dang it....

I know there's no growth without pain, but you know what? Pain is overrated. It's easy to be happy when things are going well, but how do you stay optimistic when things aren't? And how do you keep from letting yourself sink into a pit of negative thinking, just b/c one or two things aren't going right? I sure wasn't waiting for the next shoe to drop, but once it did, it seems like I just started throwing a bunch of shoes in the air for no reason!

Does any of this make sense? Are you guys more or less happy in your lives, even when things aren't going well?

Morning Glory

I've never been happy and probably never will be happy. I decided long ago that happy isn't important to me. Peace and contentment are important to me though. Most of the time I'm content. Peace comes and goes, but it's getting better.

I'm almost sure my hand would be laying on the floor if I used a rubber band.

Hugs,
MG

journeygal

Wow MG. That's exactly what hubby said to me, that happiness wasn't important, he was just looking for peace.

Gee, that sure shut me up to hear someone else say it.

At this point I'd settle for peace. I posted this here b/c I think these are some childhood/ACOA issues I'm struggling with, specifically in terms of how to cope in life when things go awry.

JT

I am with MG here...all I wanted was peace and I have achieved that most of the time.

Ward used to tell me that I could never be happy and come to think of it I haven't heard that from him in a long time.

JT

Paulie

WOW - JG Ihave to think about this one.

Not happy, never be happy - that is hitting me like not having a dream.

I will be back on this one.

daffy

JG , What is happy? I feel more than a little disconnected from my life pretty much most of the time. No wonder nobody ever wants to play with me. stompmom

JT

Stompmom,

Today for me happy is sitting outside in the nice weather, getting take out when I don't feel like cooking, grabbing a book I have been wanting to read, letting hubby do what he wants and me doing what I want. The simple stuff make me happy today.

Maybe because there is no chaos.
Hugs,
JT

Stephanie

I have a bit of a different take on this subject and I'm wondering why my feelings about it are so drastically different than all of you. Perhaps it's the addict in me.

I love happy, I strive for happy everyday. Being happy is very important to me. When I got sober I had to learn to live life on life's terms, which means that I had to learn to accept that sometimes things were not going to go my way and it wouldn't feel good. i also had to learn not to escape during those times with the use of chemicals, people, places or things.

When I was using, I needed happy. I didn't know how to be anything else. It went against my grain not to try to fix myself if I wasn't happy. In sobriety I have learned how to make myself happy w/out mind altering substances. For the most part, I wake up happy everyday. If something was going on in my life that got in the way of my happiness I would read countless books, attended countless meetings and therapy sessions to try to move past it so I could be happy again.

Most of my life I have been pretty much in my own world surrounded by countless people. I always had a boyfriend but was unwilling to commit. I kept my own place and set my own rules.

I am beginning to realize that I had to set things up that way to protect myself from my codependent tendencies for fear that it would get in the way of my happiness. Then I meet my husband and get married to an addict who is dry and suddenly I have no control over my happiness anymore. My moods became a reaction to his every move. I didn't like his moves and I wasn't happy. That's when I got desperate for help. My codependency kicked my a$$ because it took away the control I had over me. I tried controlling him so that I would be ok with him and be happy, but that didn't work of course. I tried detachment and that worked up to a point, but it didn't make me altogether the happiest i could be.

ACCEPTANCE what it is, is what I got, and it's all good. I have a lot of blessings and feel fortunate for them. Acceptance is a gift because it gives me happiness from the inside out.

Paulie

Steph -

I relate to alot of what you said. I was actaully thinking about this post last night watching basball with my SO and wondering why being happy was so important to me. And you are right, I think, the addict in us was unhappy for so long that today being happy is important to me. And along with happiness comes that peace, serenity, acceptance and things like that that I work on everyday. Those things make me happy.

Today, walking in the back yard and having my puppy get all excited to see me makes me happy. When my SO calls me during the day cause he knows I am alone working just to say hi, that makes me happy. Picking the kids up on a Friday afternoon (most of the time) and having them talk my ear off for the hour ride back home about school and friends, that makes me happy. It is the simple things for me today.

See when I was using I had all these big grand ideas that I was going to do someday that would make me happy. When in reality sober, none of them even slightly interest me. Today I understand the little things and they are what make me happy.

thanks for helping me to remember this. It is funny when I try to make everything so complicated I get all screwed up in the head and thing "oh I'm not happy I can't even think of anything to post" LOL then I take a few deep breaths, my SO walks in the door or a friend or family member calls or something small like that, or hey I even clean out a closet, and I remember how happy I really am.

Who could not be happy....my house is way bigger than a Grand Am LOL!!!

Stephanie

I was thinking about my post here and after I read Paulie's reply, I don't think I came across the right way. I did a lot of hashing this out during my post so I don't think it came out clear.

The reality of what I was trying to say was

I feel like if I'm not happy, then something is wrong

So I used drugs to make fake happy or escape not being happy

In sobriety I had to learn other ways to make myself happy

Why is being happy so important. i want to be OK not being happy, but it's so hard for me.

I can't compartmentalize at all. If one thing is going bad, well then it all sucks and is carried over to every part of my life. A lot of that changes with maturity. I've noticed that.

What I said about acceptance is that I am learning to accept my bad moods, my PMS, and just all around what ever bad stuff comes my way.....and it aways does. The acceptance of the things that make me sad or depressed or angry is where the healing is with me.

My post sounded like....la la la la, I'm happy go lucky all the time and I carry my pom poms around in case we need a big.... turn that frown upside down cheer. PUKE smilie

journeygal

I think I've never appreciated the little things in life or learned to find joy in the simple things. My idea of happiness is this grandiose entity that seems so unattainable. My expectations of life have been warped for a while. I'm trying to correct them and I'm trying to have an attitude of gratitude and acceptance. I think the more I can appreciate and recognize the little things, I'll realize that it's really all about the little things. Stuff happens and there will always be ups and downs, but I don't think they should be the only things I use to define my state of being.

I still want mostly peace, and I know that peace needs to come from within. Right now, I’m just tired of all the chaos and drama that comes with just being me. I just want peace. I'll look for happy later.

Paulie

JG -

You started a great thread here, at least for me.

I agree, the little things.

Everyday is not good, and that is okay. But today, even though yes I have to be reminded sometimes, the bad passes and the good passes, but it always comes back. And today, sober, the good days WAY out number the bad days.

Do I like to feel angry, sad, confused, screwed up, etc. etc. etc. NO, but I am happy today that first of all I can figure out what emotion it is that I am actually feeling most of the time anyway. And I am really happy that I can practice allowing myself to feel them, to walk through the feelings.

My opinion in a little different. I don't want to be OK not being happy. For me that feeling comes natural, I spent years not being happy.

Along with sobriety, peace, acceptance and all those gifts that God gives me, comes happiness for me.

Lilya

What a great thread and good posts.

I agree with the first posts - I don´t look for happiness now. I look for pleasure and equilibrium. I can also appreciate adversity and I try to look for the opportunity hidden there. Seeking happiness became a goal and obsession for too many years and when I look back, I find it a waste of time.

As a very troubled youth - I did jailtime, used and abused - I was always looking for a false nirvana. I decided to turn things around. But first I had to sort out my feelings. I had no idea if I was happy, sad, troubled, angry or pleased. Now I know, but it took years of AA and therapy. I´m still finding out what makes me tick.

I think the closest I get to the state of wellbeing and pure pleasure is when I´m writing. It´s not the publishing - that´s a hassle and trouble, but a worthy challenge because I need to see my work in a published book, critzised and reacted to. It makes me grow in my profession and is necessary for my personal growth. I only get pleasure out of writing before I edit and publish. Then I experience freedom I never knew in my crazy days, I feel I´m miles away in my mind, but I´m clean and sober.

Like the Buddist say: "Human beings are not destined to be happy. It´s the adversity that makes them grow."

Tiro

Happy is an emotion just like any other.

If someone was to tell me they were happy all the time I would have to conclude that the person was in some way disconnected from reality.

I am a member of another Twelve Step fellowship and I often hear other members talk about happiness as if it were a requirement for recovery.

Not true.

Because we have done the work on our own programme it does not mean that we have earned the right to happiness.

Because we have worked Steps and Traditions and done service work and attended a million meetings we feel that now we must be rewarded.

I have seen members lose heart and fall into depression and ultimately relapse because they thought that recovery was pointless if they couldn't be happy.

I don't strive for happiness.

Happiness is fleeting.

Instead I strive for peace within myself and contentment.

I can experience moments of happiness from a task well done or by sharing in the accomplishments of others.

For me there is a difference between joy and happiness.

Happiness is the result of external stimulation.

Joy comes from within.

I have heard deeply spiritual people describe joy but for me the closest I come to joy is when I appreciate the wonders of nature or the innocence of animals and children.

I do not have unrealistic expectations about happiness.

Society today seems to attach a lot of materialism to the idea of happiness that too often we tend to believe that if we don't have the car, house , job , relationship or health that we want then we are incomplete.

Happiness was something I strived to hold on to for many years until I came to realize I was striving for an ideal.

Today I can experience my moments of melancholy and appreciate the fact that I am who I am and that nothing is wrong with my life because I feel sad sometimes.

I am not a bad person because I get angry.

For years I was a pendulum between the extremes of the emotional scale. I was either deliriously happy and high on drugs or I was crushed by depression.

Today I can run an entire gamut of emotions and appreciate every one of them. I may be happy this morning because a client liked my work or sad in the evening because of the news on tv.

In the end all I want is to be at peace with myself.

Lilya

Tiro,

Your post really hit me between the eyes. I feel you are so right and I admire your wisdom. I´ve been reading this thread all week and I love it. Thank you all for sharing on such an important subject.

I feel the years I spent looking for happiness in sobriety tought me a lesson, but it also slowed my recovery way down. I was angry because I could not be happy, but the feelings I experience today, some negative, others positives, are true and honest and so unlike the false nirvana I was seeking, both when I was using and then years and years in sobriety.

I think I have experienced true happiness only three times in my life. The first incident was on the ferry from Granada in Spain to Marocco. I was alone on deck, enjoying the sea breeze and watching the wonders of nature, and all of a sudden I felt that my soul, body and mind was in perfect harmony.

The second incident occurred when I was sitting alone on a veranda in my aunt´s house in the south of France. Same thing: Sun, nature and smell of flowers just made me experience perfect harmony and serenity. Third incident: Alone in a temple in Ayuttaha in Thailand. At that time I felt all sorrows, pain and joy had made me what I am and I was grateful in my happiness for everything, the painful incidents in my life as well.