lotdot19

hello everyone.

i am in a rut!! My dad and I have a odd relationship, when he is drinking I get almost no phone calls. When he is not my phone never stops ringing. I do not know what is going on right now, he is out of work and not calling me. Currently my brother is an addict as well and not doing well. The two (my father and brother) are mirrors of each other and cannot stand each other; ironic. Anyway I am tired of telling him how i feel because nothing changes. I want him in my life but I AM TIRED OF ASKING HIM!! I am 19 and my parents divorced when I was 14, ever since then I have been very honest with him and he knows this. What I say sometimes he freaks out and then we do not talk for months.

Has anyone felt this way? Or had a parent like this? I feel like my dad is a one of a kind addict he thinks he is above his alcoholism, he has been sober at times, goes to meetings then he has a bad day and back to getting he cases. He looks so horrible when he is drinking. I am so tired of having addicts in my life I WANT HIM IN MY LIFE. When he is good, its wonderful he has wonderful traits. When he is bad, I don't wanna talk to him anymore.

I am stuck what words of advice do you all have?
I would appreciate any advice for this situation.

Thanks so so much.

bjork

My parents never make an effort to contact me unless it is to say I have neglected them by not calling or whatever.

I have decided that the phone works both ways. Email works both ways too. I live in a different country, so this is all we have for communication right now.

I have decided to no longer feel guilty for trying to maintain a relationship when I am the only one putting in an effort. I have spent many years trying to maintain a much better relationship with them, when in reality, it was never there. I had some fantasy going on in my head that we were actually close. Our relationship was based solely on MY efforts to have one.

I call every so often but send out a mass email more often. I get nothing. I do my part, don't expect much from them, and if they ever say anything I will just say "Communication is a two way street" and leave it at that.

It's out of my control. I do what I feel is right. That's all I can do.

Prozac

I have the opposite problem, when my dad is sober he never calls, when he is drinking it doesn't matter if it's a weeknight or not, he'll call all night long. I don't take calls on Friday or Saturday nights from him on purpose because of this - I automatically know.

I have difficulty in maintaining "the phone works both ways" balance as well. For my dad, I recognize he has social anxiety - hence one of his big reasons for drinking (when he drinks anxiety goes away, and the calls start). So I try to touch base with him at a regular time every two weeks, at a time he is unlikely to be drinking or too hung over - usually Sunday at 11am. Just enough to say hi, I'm alive and if he wants to talk more than that (and isn't wasted) I'm there.

Still have yet to get a sober phone call from him, but I figure I'm helping him break the anxiety. No one else in his family calls sober either, so it's all he knows.

dothi

I had to cut my AF out of my life, for better or worse. I so badly want to have the father I deserve that I find I'm too prone to be permissive of his unhealthy behavior when we talk (he constantly tries to get me to agree on things that I know he's not telling me the whole story, just so he can say to other family members, "see, dothi agrees with me, therefore I can't be wrong"). The problem is that even though I am ready to have him in my life from time to time, he is not ready to be a good father. This has never changed no matter how much I talked to him, no matter how honest I've been, etc. The more I take charge, the less progress I make because healthy relationships require genuine effort on behalf of both parties. If he's not willing to do the work, then it doesn't matter how much work I am willing to do.

This was very difficult for me to accept. When I did, I grieved heavily the father I wish I could have had consistently throughout my childhood. To this day I can't talk to my dad without feeling the little girl in me hoping he'll be good this time (unreasonable expectations). Somewhere here on this forum someone said that if you can't talk to your parent without having unreasonble expectations, then it's probably best that you don't until you lower those expectations. Otherwise conversations are going to be painful because you're always going to be let down. Frankly, I'm damn-tired of waiting for my dad to man-up, so low expectations/no-contact it is for me.

I spent a lot of time grieving though, because I never realized how long I had been holding my breath waiting for him to just be my dad.

ranae1221

Hi Lotdot19,

My parents split when I was 13 (for good that time, they were seperated a few times before that). My dad is an alcoholic, and he was not a dependable person. I can still remember sitting on the front steps waiting for him to come pick us kids up for a visit, and he would never come. He would go months with no contact.

From 15 to 23, I have very little contact with him. I couldn't handle the ups and downs with him.

When I was about 23, we started contact again. He would go through periods where he was sober for many months, and then would start drinking again. He also wouldn't call me, and when I confronted him once about it, he basically blamed me, that I made him feel guilty and what not so he would avoid me.

I made a huge effort to change how my conversations with him went. I didn't get angry, or upset, or "nag" him about him not calling me. But, nothing changed.

When I was 25, he was actively drinking and hit rock bottom. He was very depressed, and because I had been in treatment for depression for several years, I thought I could help him. When he needed to talk or needed help of some type, I was the one he called.

He eventually went to rehab, and has been sober for 3 years now.

Sadly, our relationship is really not any better. For the first 2 years, I made an effort to keep in contact with him. I was the one who called him, I tried making plans to do something with him, and when he cancelled (which he always did), I stayed cool about it, not getting mad or upset with him even though it hurt.

Still, nothing changed. Unless he needed something, I didn't hear from him (including advise......that's a strange situtation to be in, your parent coming to you for advise). About a year ago, I stopped trying. Although we never really had much of a father/daughter relationship, I realized that he really didn't know how to be a dad. I used to blame it on the alcohol, but I came to realize it was just who he was, or in this case wasn't.

I love him, I always will. But I can't make him be or do something he doesn't want to.

It was not easy to get to this point, and truthfully there are still days I cry about it. But for my own sanity, my own mental health and well being, I couldn't continue being the parent in the relationship.

dothi

That about sums it up right there. Nicely said, ranae!