Son of an alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Grand Rapids, Michigan
Posts: 1
Son of an alcoholic.
Well, this is my first post, im going to introduce myself a little. I am 18 years old, im from michigan (grand rapids), I have a father that works in Iraq, 3 siblings (2 brothers, 1 sister). I am the youngest of the family.
So the problem is that my mother is an alcoholic. She would drink all the time because of my dad being across the world, and she suffered from depression. Well, right now at my house, the only people living there are my mother, my sister, and me. My two other brothers are living in cities across the state and dont come home that often. My sister is moving to Philadelphia in a few weeks, and i start college far away in two weeks. Pretty much, everybody is moving away from her, and she cries at the thought of it.
My mom has been sober since January, but for some reason she slipped up today. She recently was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, while they caught it extremely early, actually called "pre-cancer". It is still very serious.
Today, she had to talk to my grandmother (her mother in law) and they do nt get along good. My mom said that she tried drinking to make the conversation go smoother, and that she is drinking because she misses my dad (we dropped him off at the airport today), and that everyone is moving away. But she didnt drink her usual wine. She drank Mouthwash and Face Astringent. This is scary because my aunt suffered from depression and alcoholism like my mom, my aunt drank mouthwash, then killed herself. I dont want this to happen.
As far as poisoning herself to get drunk, i took the appropriate steps and she is alright now. But this is very scary to me that she didnt even bother buying wine.
Also, i want to add that she didnt buy it. I was in the store with her and my father and he choose the mouthwash, my mother insisted that he gets the alcohol free, but my dad thought that it didnt work.
In my situation, my dad, and my brother (who i fear is becoming an alcoholic himself), are the enablers.
Please help me. I leave for college in two weeks, what can i do to check up on my mom. Driving would take me 10hrs to get home, and she is going to be all alone...
So the problem is that my mother is an alcoholic. She would drink all the time because of my dad being across the world, and she suffered from depression. Well, right now at my house, the only people living there are my mother, my sister, and me. My two other brothers are living in cities across the state and dont come home that often. My sister is moving to Philadelphia in a few weeks, and i start college far away in two weeks. Pretty much, everybody is moving away from her, and she cries at the thought of it.
My mom has been sober since January, but for some reason she slipped up today. She recently was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, while they caught it extremely early, actually called "pre-cancer". It is still very serious.
Today, she had to talk to my grandmother (her mother in law) and they do nt get along good. My mom said that she tried drinking to make the conversation go smoother, and that she is drinking because she misses my dad (we dropped him off at the airport today), and that everyone is moving away. But she didnt drink her usual wine. She drank Mouthwash and Face Astringent. This is scary because my aunt suffered from depression and alcoholism like my mom, my aunt drank mouthwash, then killed herself. I dont want this to happen.
As far as poisoning herself to get drunk, i took the appropriate steps and she is alright now. But this is very scary to me that she didnt even bother buying wine.
Also, i want to add that she didnt buy it. I was in the store with her and my father and he choose the mouthwash, my mother insisted that he gets the alcohol free, but my dad thought that it didnt work.
In my situation, my dad, and my brother (who i fear is becoming an alcoholic himself), are the enablers.
Please help me. I leave for college in two weeks, what can i do to check up on my mom. Driving would take me 10hrs to get home, and she is going to be all alone...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1
I don't have a lot of experience with this but...
Have you tried Alateen, the support group for loved ones of alcoholics? I've heard good things about them. Here's info I found on meetings in Michigan. Someone there might know of resources that can help you help your mom.
I tried to paste in the links but this forum wouldn't let me because I haven't made 15 posts yet. Anyway, go to www dot al hyphen anon dot alateen dot org and see the How to Find a Meeting link at the bottom.
I tried to paste in the links but this forum wouldn't let me because I haven't made 15 posts yet. Anyway, go to www dot al hyphen anon dot alateen dot org and see the How to Find a Meeting link at the bottom.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Coldgreentea,
I'm sorry you're going through this. But --as hard as this is to hear-- you can't put your own life on hold because of your mom's choices.
They ARE choices, by the way. She is choosing to use alcohol to medicate herself for stress and depression. She is choosing to be alone, rather than to surround herself with a supportive community of friends, church, and others. She is choosing to be upset at your leaving rather than joyful that you are taking this fantastic step for yourself.
And she is choosing not to get help for her addiction.
Know that you cannot force her to make correct choices - she has to make them herself, and I hope she does.
But as sad as this is, your mom is an adult. She has the right to make her own choices. You are fortunate to be in a position to NOT have to take a front row seat to her addiction, beginning in two weeks. I know you are deeply worried about her, but really, besides letting her know (often) that you love her and hope with all your heart she'll take care of herself...there is nothing you can do to save her from herself.
I'd encourage you too to try Al-Anon meetings or Alateen meetings. You will be amazed how similar the traits are between children of alcoholic parents....how desperately we want to save them, and how much we are (often) willing to dismantle our own happiness to save them.
I'm so glad you're here. You may also find terrific support on the forum called "Friends & Family of Alcoholics". There you will have a chance to converse with other children of alcoholics, as well as recovered alcoholic parents themselves, and it may give you even more insight.
Big hugs to you and congratulations for heading off to college
I'm sorry you're going through this. But --as hard as this is to hear-- you can't put your own life on hold because of your mom's choices.
They ARE choices, by the way. She is choosing to use alcohol to medicate herself for stress and depression. She is choosing to be alone, rather than to surround herself with a supportive community of friends, church, and others. She is choosing to be upset at your leaving rather than joyful that you are taking this fantastic step for yourself.
And she is choosing not to get help for her addiction.
Know that you cannot force her to make correct choices - she has to make them herself, and I hope she does.
But as sad as this is, your mom is an adult. She has the right to make her own choices. You are fortunate to be in a position to NOT have to take a front row seat to her addiction, beginning in two weeks. I know you are deeply worried about her, but really, besides letting her know (often) that you love her and hope with all your heart she'll take care of herself...there is nothing you can do to save her from herself.
I'd encourage you too to try Al-Anon meetings or Alateen meetings. You will be amazed how similar the traits are between children of alcoholic parents....how desperately we want to save them, and how much we are (often) willing to dismantle our own happiness to save them.
I'm so glad you're here. You may also find terrific support on the forum called "Friends & Family of Alcoholics". There you will have a chance to converse with other children of alcoholics, as well as recovered alcoholic parents themselves, and it may give you even more insight.
Big hugs to you and congratulations for heading off to college
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Orlando Florida
Posts: 220
Try hooking your Mom up with the SR Website as well as local Support Groups like AA. Being a Home Alone Drunk (and Mouthwash Drinker) myself, being Home Alone is the worst trigger because I just sit around bored, lonely, and feeling sorry for myself with no accountability to anyone. I would just obsess over how drinking could ease my "suffering". The only way I broke this is to fill up my time with as much as possible and surround myself with support systems for the Alcoholic. Good luck with your Mom.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hey ColdGreenTea, Welcome to SR! 
GiveLove's words are solid. Adults are responsible for their own choices.
Please read the stickies and other people's stories on this forum. Alcoholism really is a family disease. As you describe, even your dad and brother play their roles in it. As long as they continue to choose to enable your mom, you're fighting a tidal wave with a bucket. How can you start to fix a family problem if no one else in the family recognizes it?
ColdGreenTea, all you can do at this point is take care of yourself. This about seeing a counsellor (colleges and universities generally have counselling services available, paid for by your tuition). Request one who specializes in alcoholism or addictions. This is a lot of pressure you are under. You'll need someone to talk to honestly as you start this new chapter of your life. You don't want this controlling you emotions as you're trying to start classes and meet new people.
Please trust this advice: sacrificing your life will not make things better for your mom. Not as long as she chooses to drink alcohol to cope whenever she feels stressed.
I hear what you're saying, I really do. My AF (alcoholic father) goes through the constant cycle of feeling depressed, drinking to cope with the depression, and becoming more depressed as a result of the drinking. These past few years he's been threatening suicide... that if he gets too sick to take care of himself, he'll just finish the job himself out behind the house with one of the guns stored in the living room. (note how not drinking anymore is not an option in his mind)
I spent a good part of my young adult life sacrificing for him. (coming home on the weekends so he wouldn't be alone, not going out with friends, not having my own life) I have spent a good decade trying to make his life good enough so that he wouldn't be depressed and wouldn't want to drink all the time (especially since his health is suffering). Years have passed and you know what? He still chooses to drink. He probably will still continue so long as my codependent mom keeps cleaning up after him (his enabler, because he never has to suffer any real consequences for his drinking). Similar to your situation, I see my brother walking down the same road. Sometimes my mom and brother acknowledge that there is a problem with the drinking, other times their eyes glaze over and they don't want to acknowledge it's there (denial).
What you can do right now is educate yourself about alcoholism. Read the stickies and other people's stories on this forum. You've made tremendous headway just from what you've described in your post. Please continue to post here and share your thoughts.
GiveLove's words are solid. Adults are responsible for their own choices.
Please read the stickies and other people's stories on this forum. Alcoholism really is a family disease. As you describe, even your dad and brother play their roles in it. As long as they continue to choose to enable your mom, you're fighting a tidal wave with a bucket. How can you start to fix a family problem if no one else in the family recognizes it?
ColdGreenTea, all you can do at this point is take care of yourself. This about seeing a counsellor (colleges and universities generally have counselling services available, paid for by your tuition). Request one who specializes in alcoholism or addictions. This is a lot of pressure you are under. You'll need someone to talk to honestly as you start this new chapter of your life. You don't want this controlling you emotions as you're trying to start classes and meet new people.
Please trust this advice: sacrificing your life will not make things better for your mom. Not as long as she chooses to drink alcohol to cope whenever she feels stressed.
I hear what you're saying, I really do. My AF (alcoholic father) goes through the constant cycle of feeling depressed, drinking to cope with the depression, and becoming more depressed as a result of the drinking. These past few years he's been threatening suicide... that if he gets too sick to take care of himself, he'll just finish the job himself out behind the house with one of the guns stored in the living room. (note how not drinking anymore is not an option in his mind)
I spent a good part of my young adult life sacrificing for him. (coming home on the weekends so he wouldn't be alone, not going out with friends, not having my own life) I have spent a good decade trying to make his life good enough so that he wouldn't be depressed and wouldn't want to drink all the time (especially since his health is suffering). Years have passed and you know what? He still chooses to drink. He probably will still continue so long as my codependent mom keeps cleaning up after him (his enabler, because he never has to suffer any real consequences for his drinking). Similar to your situation, I see my brother walking down the same road. Sometimes my mom and brother acknowledge that there is a problem with the drinking, other times their eyes glaze over and they don't want to acknowledge it's there (denial).
What you can do right now is educate yourself about alcoholism. Read the stickies and other people's stories on this forum. You've made tremendous headway just from what you've described in your post. Please continue to post here and share your thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 17
Hello!
I am with you! I am 18, about to be 19 and my father is the alcoholic in my life. The best thing that I have learned over the years and through thearpy is that, making your mom better is not YOUR job. She has to make herself better, we are helpless (and this sucks) no matter what we do, or say unless they see themselves as alcoholics and admit that they need help they too are helpless.
I am going into my second year at college and my parents are divorced, I will tell you that your first year of college will open your eyes. I felt alone, everyone has addicts in their life. Take time to focus on YOU. It hard to see your parent drink, I know its embarrassing and so frustrating! But you know what? Its not YOUR problem its theirs, seems like your mom likes to use problems in her life to drink, same as my dad.
Does your mom admit that she is an alcoholic? Has she ever been to meetings? Have you ever expressed to her how upset her drinking as made you?
Oh, and about your brother please be brave and talk to him, my brother is a drug addict and I stepped up and said something years ago he is still using but I know that I have done and are doing all that I can. Guilt is so common!
Please know that you are NOT alone, let me know whats going on. Be excited to start college, you seem like you have your heart and mind in the right place. Do things for yourself, try not to worry and enjoy college. You only get on shot at this, do all that you can.
I hope this helped somewhat! Please let me know how things work out, and if you cant say it face to face a letter always works, I have done that in the past. When your done, what a feeling! Even if you never send it your feelings are written out.
Take Care!! Hope your having fun getting ready for college!!
Oh, and if you have any questions plz don't be afraid to ask, I'm here to help!
I am with you! I am 18, about to be 19 and my father is the alcoholic in my life. The best thing that I have learned over the years and through thearpy is that, making your mom better is not YOUR job. She has to make herself better, we are helpless (and this sucks) no matter what we do, or say unless they see themselves as alcoholics and admit that they need help they too are helpless.
I am going into my second year at college and my parents are divorced, I will tell you that your first year of college will open your eyes. I felt alone, everyone has addicts in their life. Take time to focus on YOU. It hard to see your parent drink, I know its embarrassing and so frustrating! But you know what? Its not YOUR problem its theirs, seems like your mom likes to use problems in her life to drink, same as my dad.
Does your mom admit that she is an alcoholic? Has she ever been to meetings? Have you ever expressed to her how upset her drinking as made you?
Oh, and about your brother please be brave and talk to him, my brother is a drug addict and I stepped up and said something years ago he is still using but I know that I have done and are doing all that I can. Guilt is so common!
Please know that you are NOT alone, let me know whats going on. Be excited to start college, you seem like you have your heart and mind in the right place. Do things for yourself, try not to worry and enjoy college. You only get on shot at this, do all that you can.
I hope this helped somewhat! Please let me know how things work out, and if you cant say it face to face a letter always works, I have done that in the past. When your done, what a feeling! Even if you never send it your feelings are written out.
Take Care!! Hope your having fun getting ready for college!!
Oh, and if you have any questions plz don't be afraid to ask, I'm here to help!
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