Smithers

Hi

First of all i'd like to start by saying that i have no clue what I'm expecting by writing this.. But right now I'm in a downright venting frenzy. I think this is going to be a long one, feel free to skip parts ;-) Also, I'd like to apologize if I'm breaking any forum rules or if I'm posting this in a wrong forum.

Here's my situation: my mother is an alcoholic. She's been an alcoholic for a very long time, I don't even remember exactly when she started drinking but it must have been at least ten years ago. Over time she kept sliding in deeper and deeper, but actually very slowly and gradually. She is now at a point where she drinks two (or maybe more, who knows) bottles of wine a day, sometimes more, sometimes less. On weekends she's usually sober. The reason why I've come to this forum is because I kept trying to make her stop drinking, but now something has changed inside of me, as if I'm slowly letting her go. It kills me because I love her so much but I just can't take it anymore.
As is typical for so many alcoholic mothers, she's the best person you could ever imagine but turns into a b*itch from hell when she's been drinking. Even being in the same room with her not saying one word can drive me up the wall when she's drunk... She becomes a different person; she gets these big dumb empty eyes, slurs and can't finish a single sentence, forgets everything and even her facial muscles either contract or relax so that her whole face looks completely different. No to mention her response time of about a half hour to answer even the simplest of questions. I despise that woman. This is all in stark contrast to the woman who is my mother: a kind, loving, elegant, very well educated (she has two university degrees) mother and friend who is just beautiful in everything that she does (except when she drinks of course;-) ). I can't even express the sadness and frustration of watching this sinking ship. I feel as if all I can do is stand there and watch her as she slowly drinks herself to death. I've really tried so many things that I can't even list them here. These past two years I'm even more worried because I go to university now and I'm only home on weekends, so I can't look after her all the time. My father is away on business frequently so he can't watch out for her and while my older brother lives at home, he's also quite busy with his education and is set to move out again because he's found a new place.
Frankly, I'm at wit's end... While she's not getting much worse, she certainly isn't getting any better and I think this madness has gone on long enough. But I somehow feel as if it won't... I don't want to give up on her but we're just growing apart. I can say without doubt that she has ruined a fair chunk of me and my brother's life and I worry about her every single day and sometimes even feel guilty for not being at home to look after her. It's ridiculous!

Ok so FINALLY my question: should I just accept that her situation will probably never change and let go, or should I keep holding on and telling myself that she will get better?? Does she even understand the importance of stopping the alcohol abuse? I've been having this feeling that something is going to happen... Either that she dies (my worst fear for the past 2 years) or that she will actually do something to stop. She's made numerous (in my opinion half-assed) attempts to quit drinking, but obviously nothing has worked. Her negativity and low self esteem prevent her from EVER feeling happy or satisfied about herself so that really isn't helping either... And the strangest part: in the past five years, she has gone months without a drop of alcohol on two occasions and was completely fine, no grumpiness, edginess or whatever. On a recent vacation she has only had a glass of wine over dinner and was able to fully control herself. Her problem isn't unwillingness but sheer laziness. And it's exactly for that reason that just typing this is really pissing me off. As soon as she enters her daily life again she will start picking up the bottle again. And I understand why; she was more or less forced to take over my grandfather's (who was also an alcoholic, died at the age of 54) company with forty employees and save it from bankruptcy; a thing that she never wanted. She 'saved' the company, sold it a few years ago. Suddenly she has gone from working way too much to not working at all, and this is also when her drinking got out of hand. She feels that it is quite the degradation, but hasn't made a serious attempt at finding a new job either...

It's hard to stop typing, I could literally go on for days but i'm hogging up all the server space now ;-). Plus it's 2:30 AM so I should probably go to sleep! This felt so damned good.... Just needed to get this all out.

Wascally Wabbit

welcome! please forgive my typing as i spilled an entire glass of sweet tea on my keyboard. if i try to use the caps, it sticks, and well, it's just a mess.

any way, my mom is/was the a in my life. i can relate to a lot of what you say.
where you said your mom becomes a different person, boy my mom did too.
she was crazy mean and hateful.

one thing you need to realize is that nothing we do will make them quit.
no amount of money we spend on them will make them quit.
nothing we say, nothing we give nothing at all will make them quit.
it's something they have to decide to do on their own. usually, after they hit their bottom, they decide to quit. again, that "bottom" is up to her.

I Found that the farther away i could be the better off i was in a lot of ways. i did a lot of alanon too. i am still on my journey of having to "recover" from the alcoholic.

hang in there. keep posting, you will learn an awful lot here.

Smithers

Thanks for the reply!

Well I've been thinking about letting her hit rock bottom... But I'm terrified of letting her go there. I'm afraid that she won't be able to handle it. I've stopped talking to her a few times, but never more than a week. She can snatch the keys to her car and drive drunk, damage it and get away with it (thank goodness nothing worse than that has happened). She can insult and embarrass people, and destroy absolutely anything in her path (whether it's a physical object, an important event or even an emotion or feeling) and get away with it simply because we're (especially me) all so scared to break her. And the most frustrating thing is that all of this happens EXCLUSIVELY when she's drunk, which makes it extra hard to be mad at her rather than feeling sorry.

She's depressed and has had anxiety attacks and four nervous breakdowns over the span of three years; she's so fragile now... But she keeps getting back up and when she hasn't been drinking she genuinely understands what she does wrong and sometimes gets so desperate and sad that she cries uncontrollably, yet at the same time seems unable to pull herself together and quit. I can't understand it... For so long I've refused to accept she is unwilling (and to a certain extent still do), but I'm starting to see that at least she isn't willing enough. But is letting her slide in deeper the only option?

It's great to finally meet people that come from similar situations. I talk about this to my friends but I don't want to burden them too much, so it's great to have found this forum! Thank you!

tjp613

The best thing you can do for her is to take care of yourself.

Define your boundaries with her and then stick to them. I.e., if you say "I will not talk to you when you've been drinking", then mean it and stick to what you say you will do. This protects you from the ugliness you don't care to see and it demonstrates to her that there are consequences to her choices.

You could even say, "I am going sever contact until you are sober 3 months. I encourage you to get professional help. I've written down the phone numbers for some rehab clinics. Let me know what you've decided."

You are essentially "raising the bottom" ... you are making her 'hit bottom' sooner rather than later.

I highly suggest you attend Al-Anon meetings - they are an amazing source of inspiration, strength and knowledge.

Wascally Wabbit

Someone once reminded me that we can enable someone to death.
If we keep helping them drink, then we are part of the problem, aren't we?
IT's hard, I know, to watch them destroy themselves.
But, it's really her choice.
I hope you're feeling better soon and can find some peace through all this.

discontentmiser

some of your story really rings true with me
then again, my A is nearly 3 years sober, and has barely changed a bit
(only minus the 2 bottles of wine a day and with slogans to quote back at me)

alanon helps

also: you never have, can or will cause your mother to drink
it is impossible for you to control it
you cannot, and it's not your responsibility to cure it

I hear a lot about "detachment with love", I don't really get it
but it seems to helps loads of other people so if you could get someone to explain detachment to you it could help...

Prozac

A good friend of mine who is in recovery from cocaine addiction will always respond, "My mom finally said no" when asked what got him clean. Of course, it isn't always the simple, and usually enablers don't just say no once, but what makes me laugh is the fact that when he points this out to his mom she says, "I know, I'm sooo sorry, I can't believe I did that, can you forgive me?" Her saying no turned his life around and she will never realize that.

tjp613

Detach With Love
Detachment is a key to recovery from codependency. It strengthens our healthy relationships - the ones that we want to grow and flourish. It benefits our difficult relationships - the ones that are teaching us to cope. It helps us!

Detachment is not something we do once. Its a daily behavior in recovery. We learn it when were beginning our recovery from codependency and adult children issues. And we continue to practice it along the way as we grow and change, and as our relationships grow and change.

We learn to let go of people we love, people we like, and those we don't particularly care for. We separate ourselves, and our process, from others and their process.

We relinquish our tight hold and our need to control in our relationships. We take responsibility for ourselves; we allow others to do the same. We detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others and ourselves. The way life unfolds is good, even when it hurts. And ultimately, we can benefit from even the most difficult situations. We do this with the understanding that a Power greater than ourselves is in charge, and all is well.

Today, I will apply the concept of detachment, to the best of my ability, in my relationships. If I cant let go completely, Ill try to hang on loose.

------------------
by Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Smithers

Well since my last post I've cooled down a little :-P My mom is abroad now with my dad and is apparently doing well. Thanks for all your kind comments, it really helps me a lot! :-)
So I've been thinking and here's my plan... Next time she gets really bad, which will inevitably (and probably soon, sadly) happen, I will tell her that it's either me or the bottle (such harsh words..), however hard it will be. Hope I can pull it off... But I don't think that I can fully let her go and never talk to her again, actually I know so because I don't want it... Or is that wrong? But I certainly won't come home for a while when she's around. It is a tough situation but my something will finally change? Damn it why do people screw themselves up like this..??

Also, browsing through the forum I learned that children of alcoholics are remarkably similar. In a strange way it's even very interesting. I never knew to what extent her alcoholism affected me. In no way do I blame her for all that she destroyed (obviously she didn't want it), but I do feel sorry for us!!

tjp613

Well, the key is finding a boundary that you can absolutely stick to.

If you give her the ultimatum of "it's me or the bottle", you have to be prepared that she will indeed choose the bottle. (this happened with my children and their father...he chose the bottle) So if she chooses the bottle, what does that mean to you? What will your boundaries look like? Will you sever all contact until she's sober for X amount of time? Or will you only speak to her when she's sober? Will you visit on Sundays but expect her to be sober while you're there? And what if she doesn't stay sober? Will you leave the house? Will you leave the relationship forever? Will you leave 'til Tuesday? What? Think very carefully about these conditions as the MOST IMPORTANT thing is that you stick to whatever you 'threaten'.

Why do people screw themselves up like this? Because they have the disease called alcoholism. She is sick. Seriously. Just as if she had diabetes or heart disease. Her brain is sick, not her heart or pancreas...but her brain. Her brain is conditioned now to seeking pleasure from alcohol and she uses it as an escape from feeling emotions or facing situations she doesn't care to face. Period. Because she is an alcoholic, she has no power over it and to recover from the disease she has to come to terms with the FACT that she has a serious illness. She is probably in deep denial because she hasn't suffered enough consequences. A trip to Europe? Nice! Not quit the "bottom" we were looking for! So yeah, she's doing well now because she's 'escaped' her everyday life with a vacation! When she comes home, nothing will have essentially changed and eventually she'll get back to her old habits.

Nothing will change until something changes. Are you willing to be the catalyst for change? Think carefully.

We're here for you.

GingerM

Something to think about: one of the purposes of recovery is to stop focusing on changing other people's behavior, and begin to focus on taking care of yourself.

Will you issue this ultimatum because it will help you regain some peace and sanity? Or are you issuing the ultimatum because you hope it will change *her* behavior?

Only you really know that answer to that question. If it is the first answer, then by all means, do it. If it is the second, you may find that it does not have the desired effect AND you end up sucked into a different type of dysfunctional behavior.

I'm not asking you to answer the questions, just posing them as something to consider.

Gin