Trust
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Regarding trust issues, I ran across this description of ACoA's (emphasis added by me):
(Apologies to using a quote with so many 'G-words' in it, but the value of the content outweighs the risk of seeming pious, which I am certainly not attempting.)
I agree with Trombonliness and Dothi that simply saying 'the past is past' does not help one move forward. For me, it continues a pattern of denial in the present day. My AF was fond of saying (whenever his behavior came up in conversation) 'Its water over the bridge- forget it". I believe that mistakes and tragedy are there for me to learn from, and once I have accepted the lesson, I can move on. Not learning from the past is denial, and to repeat the well-worn phrase 'those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.'
Real-time note: I finally settled a business arrangement that was a HUGE mistake brought on by impulsiveness, lack of consideration of my own serenity, and some 'perfect storm' unforeseen circumstances. I am just now getting past reliving the drama and can see some valuable lessons.
SOME THINGS TO REMEMBER...
1) ACOA/ACDF's live with the hyper-vigilant defense mechanisms. They very seldom trust anyone, yet they are always looking for someone to trust. That's why they must find people just like themselves before they will even begin to trust.
2) The more ACOA/ACDF's read, the more they will recognize themselves--and the more frightened they will become--as as they experience the shock of recognition and disclosure. Keep in mind that these people are terrified of people figuring out how worthless they think they are.
Of course, those who live in the fullest freedom of God's grace and forgiveness know that we aren't worthless...and neither are they! They are, in fact, very, very valuable and competent people before God and others. But as ACOA/ACDF's, they don't feel that way--and they can't feel that way--without proper counseling, support, guidance and God-given healing.
From: Number 53, Thirteen Ways To Recognize The Adult Child - Insights Based On J.W. Woititz's Original Listing, Rev. W. Dobratz, M. Div. & T.F. Fischer, M.Div., M.S.A. (minestryhealth.net)
1) ACOA/ACDF's live with the hyper-vigilant defense mechanisms. They very seldom trust anyone, yet they are always looking for someone to trust. That's why they must find people just like themselves before they will even begin to trust.
2) The more ACOA/ACDF's read, the more they will recognize themselves--and the more frightened they will become--as as they experience the shock of recognition and disclosure. Keep in mind that these people are terrified of people figuring out how worthless they think they are.
Of course, those who live in the fullest freedom of God's grace and forgiveness know that we aren't worthless...and neither are they! They are, in fact, very, very valuable and competent people before God and others. But as ACOA/ACDF's, they don't feel that way--and they can't feel that way--without proper counseling, support, guidance and God-given healing.
From: Number 53, Thirteen Ways To Recognize The Adult Child - Insights Based On J.W. Woititz's Original Listing, Rev. W. Dobratz, M. Div. & T.F. Fischer, M.Div., M.S.A. (minestryhealth.net)
I agree with Trombonliness and Dothi that simply saying 'the past is past' does not help one move forward. For me, it continues a pattern of denial in the present day. My AF was fond of saying (whenever his behavior came up in conversation) 'Its water over the bridge- forget it". I believe that mistakes and tragedy are there for me to learn from, and once I have accepted the lesson, I can move on. Not learning from the past is denial, and to repeat the well-worn phrase 'those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.'
Real-time note: I finally settled a business arrangement that was a HUGE mistake brought on by impulsiveness, lack of consideration of my own serenity, and some 'perfect storm' unforeseen circumstances. I am just now getting past reliving the drama and can see some valuable lessons.
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