Prozac

I don't blame myself for my parent's problems. I don't feel guilt. I know that I am powerless. And usually I am accepting, they did the best they did with what they had. I know they love me and both are beatiful people...

But I'm so fricking angry lately I could hurt someone. My dad was recently in an accident (drinking related) in which he nearly died and did seriously ingure himself. My husband is shocked at my respose (anger and tears for myself). It just has re-triggered so much for me.

I find myself crying throughout the day out of the blue (I have much other stress contributing to this). How do I get rid of this anger? To be honest, I think that I was comfortably numb AND accepting before. Now I'm having feelings (which I'm not used to) and they suck. Heck, I just started crying writing this.

baldjim

i know exactly how you feel ... i have no advice but i know how you feel

GingerM

Prozac, the last time I found myself in that angry place, I went up to the stickies and read the bill of rights of ACoAs. It helped a lot. Especially the one that said "I have the right to not participate in the crazy-making behaviors of my family."

If you have hit acceptance, it may be that this incident was "big" enough to set you back a bit and some brushup work might help. I don't know if reading that will help you, but it helped me. For several days I repeated that statement as a mantra. Eventually I came back to earth and was able to be peaceful again.

I'm very sorry to hear about how this has affected you. I think there will always be triggers that set us off, no matter how much time in recovery we have. The key, I think, is to make sure we have the tools to bring ourselves back into reality (as opposed to the past) as quickly as possible.

I truly feel for you.

Rianestorm

I think it's natural for people like us to be a bit more selfish than others. Even while we give so much. There's this feeling that you have to give to and care for them. But then there's the resentment that YOU are never cared for. And then you get to a point where you get this news, of whatever kind, and it's just like "Right, typical." And so angry because you feel like they're taking something else from you due to their own selfishness. And they don't understand that the crap they get themselves into affects you too. Well I dont know if thats how you feel, but I get like that alot.

If your husband is shocked, then he must not have grown up like people like us did. It's hard for the 'normal childhood' people to understand that for a long time your parents drama was your whole life. It's very hard to shake that, if you ever can. And when they skrew up it's only natural to take that and make it about you, because for so long it WAS about you. We were all helpless children at the mercy of their less than stellar decisions. Some days I think growing up is coincidental when you still have that child in you.

utopia

I struggle when shows and friends find humour in making light of traumatic events and situations, illnesses and so on. HOw do I make fun of those less fortunate than myself? Is it not good for me to take things so seriously. How do I laugh at dark humour that others find offensive? How have I in the past? I feel that my bar is not on the same level as others? I look down on them and think of them as cowards, not bothering to try sincere love, sincere committment to living or has my ego once again deluded me into feeling "better than". What is sacred? What do I do when I meet those whose values and humour offend me and feel like a desocration of what I hold to be important. Why do I feel indignant and almost enraged that people find something so funny about takinf love peace and understanding seriously all the time. Am I too stoic for me own good or are other people toxic to be around. When unwholesome emotions are stirred up in me why bother to continue "willing" myself to not feel it as I do, and feel shame for what I feel. Fearing that they will shame me for finding offensive and tasteless, what they find humourous. Is that because I am simply a basket case and they are so impervious to such triggers? Or is it because I am too serious and too limited by dogmatic belief. I feel angry, I feel isolated and I feel that I don't know where my people are right now. Lord guide me home to a place where I can be involved with those who want only a better life. TO be joyous and sincere, whose values may not match mine but to those who at least have values I can get to understand on some level? Is it only my abusive past and subsequent faith an therapy/12 step work that has led me to be so friggin enlightened? I feel aglow with the love of spirit and sometimes so utterly alone within it that I miss my human brethren who find innuendo and TV shows with black humour funny of which I find immature, lazy and defeatist, bringing back our collective efforts to raise human consciousness...taking the easy route of being sarcastic and negative rather than honest, open and willing.......HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM recovery wise what the hell is this all about!!!!?????????

dothi

You're not alone, Prozac. My partner has definitely been alarmed by how furiously angry I can become from one phone call from my parents. Stuff that was like water to duck's back before suddenly triggers completely out-of-proportion responses. I think because at this point in our own recovery, after we've realized that we were put in unfair situations/taken advantage of/neglected, and we've built ourselves up enough to make sure it never happens again, an event like this triggers all the frustration and fear we have in our eagerness to prove that we can protect ourselves.

How many times did it cross your mind that your dad might be injured while drinking and driving? What would happen if he was hurt? Who would have to give up their life to take care of him? After YEARS of having these thoughts, even though you know you can make better decisions for yourself now, it's impossible not to feel the fear and frustration of all these worries cling along side what you're feeling now. When I've felt like this, I know it's the child in me screaming because she always knew this was going to happen one day, and yet no one (primarily the alcoholic) cared, loved, or respected her enough to listen.

Don't interpret how you're feeling as a setback. This isn't a failure in your ability to recover. It's the tub of emotions drudging up from your subconscious FINALLY for a breath at the surface of your mind.

Quote:

How do I get rid of this anger?

I have asked this question many, many times. The only answer I have found is through distancing with love. I am adult now who has to realize when a situation or even communication with certain people is beyond my ability to handle without hurting myself. That is not the way I wanted it to work out, but from the two alternatives it's by far the healthier choice

dothi

Hey utopia, the people I like the most have this sense of humour. I believe it's a healthy coping mechanism for preventing the "crazies" If you take all the craziness of a dysfunctional family seriously ALL THE TIME it would make you crazy. Having the ability to laugh at life's toughest situations is an incredible strength.

Besides, when you know firsthand how crazy life can really be, it's hard to agree with people who think that "just a little more understanding" is all it takes to "make the world a better place". When I hear stuff like that, I think with a smile, "peace starts at home" (Then maybe watch another episode of Arrested Development)

Wascally Wabbit

I think Ginger's right. No matter how long and hard we have practiced the steps, recovery and peace, there's always going to be those times that trigger us to those old feelings.

I know well those feelings of anger. I would practice and practice peace and serenity, then I would let someone, namely my mother, do or say something that would set me back.
I just keep getting up and dusting off, learning from each time.
I quit expecting that all is well and good from here on out. It's a life long journey of getting through each thing one day at a time.
I hope you're feeling better soon.

utopia

dothi, I think theres a line. i can laugh in a meeting at black stuff but i dont laugh at everything. this show triggered the other end of making a joke of everything and i mean, everything, which makes life a big joke and holds nothing to be sacred or of value to be respected. i felt it was going beyond making light of silly human interactions and instead was aiming at shock value and pushing the envelope on taboo topics to thepoint that it was bascially animated versions of abuse and hate trying to be comedic which for me i found disgusting.

i find this lazy. its lazy to hate, to mock, to scorn, to jeer and jest. it takes much more to value and love and understand, to encourage and accept and believe and to hope. this triggered in me my perception of my fathers attitude to pretty much every feeling me and my family members had towards him in my past and ourselves and our lives. it was all him him him and we were never taken seriously.

Prozac

I apologize for my irregular posting (and in about two weeks when my life slows down some, hope that I can be a regular). Thank you for all of your comments, I'm so glad to know that I'm not alone in this anger, that it is normal (I'm still angry, but more accepting).

Growing up my mom and I were never the typical enablers. From an early age I experienced recognition and acceptance, hence Al-non never fit for me. I was at peace with my dad. Even when he quit drinking for 9 years (only to resume again just prior to my wedding) as a teen with no training or experience I knew he wasn't sober. Later I stumbled into mental health professionally and then into co-occurring disorders (i.e. substance abuse) as the two go hand and hand far too often and I learned the term "dry drunk." It made sense to me, because that is what my dad was. Even when sober he was just as selfish, just as reckless, just as...

The saddest thing about this story? My dad was in a four-wheeler accident with no helmet while trying to insert himself back into my mom's home. She left because of this, but returned for a forgotten item and heard him scratching at the door. Her first thought was, "I told Sam not to lock him out, he only breaks the windows when you do that." As she was telling me this I chuckled, having been through many broken windows, "Stupid 13 year old, I knew that by 5!" Then I realize how sick this line of thought was, but was still funny to me.

When I shared it with my husband he locked at me like I was on crack. My husband drinks too much. Hence as an aware ACoA and a person working in substance abuse I waded the waters very carefully for years before committing (my husband never forgets a promise, is more reliable than I am, personality is less changing then mine, could go on and on, but it's a both and - he drinks too much and is STABLE and a healthier person that I even - he is also very culturally different than my family). My husband, not being exposed to my dad's drinking for the first several years of our relationship, likely thought I was exaggerating. Even when I would tell random stories he'd rationalize for him (I have a very strong women dominated family) thinking us crazy women were exaggerating. It wasn't until recently that he realized that my complaints of him drinking too much weren't like my complaints of my dad. That statement, "everyone knows he'll just break the windows" shocked him. It also re-affirmed my leap of faith in marrying a drinker. My husband would never break the windows. Even if he had drank to the point that for some reason I locked him outside, he'd calmly fall asleep on the back porch.

I digress though. I didn't feel this anger, only acceptance, most of my life. I was made an example of (willingly) in a few recent grad classes on substance abuse. It really made me examine (while on parade like a freak) how abnormal my life was and I've lost my steady grasp on acceptance ever since.