dolce7dolore

since my last post, probably months ago. I go through these phases it seems. Especially as of late I haven't been worrying about ACoA stuff because I'm living with my mom for part of the summer (leaving in 10 days thank god..). I don't know why I think I have less to deal with when I'm actually living with her. Whatever.

At times I think I've got control over this situation, and others I feel like I haven't even begun to start working on my issues. I know that it will be a lot of work, which I'm willing to put in. What worries me is that fact that I always feel like something is missing. It's like this gaping hole that can never be closed. From those who are farther in recovering than me, are those things that ever change? Also, I've never been in a long-term relationship (as in less than 6 weeks). Ever, and I'm almost 20. I'm not someone to believe that relationships solve anything (generally, they cause MORE problems), I know that I can't just lean on someone for support through all of this, but I really wish I had a companion, you know? Then I think about it and realize how many trust/abandonment issues that I have and I wonder how I could ever handle it. I guess my question is... once we are healthy and looking for likewise people, is it easy to overcome that? I feel like someone for a great family will get scared away.

riaerif

Oh that hit a nerve. Yeah, I know what you mean about knowing you can't lean on someone but really wanting a champion.

You know what's really cool, though? The fact that we get to be the champions. If we work on things and get moving, it's us!

The type of strength I want in my hero is the type of strength that's in me. I just have to unload this pile of krptonite out of my soul and unleash it!

Yeah, Superman reference... sorry.

Anyway, I hope things get better for you and I wanted you to know that someone understands.

Wascally Wabbit

You really can lean on someone. Alanon folks are there for this very reason.
Don't give it up too soon.
You are working on yourself, and that's the biggest step toward regaining your sanity.

GiveLove

I can't speak for everyone, but although it wasn't exactly EASY for me, it was do-able, which was more than I was capable of when I was only hanging around unhealthy, damaged people.

I had some bad relationships in there. I gravitated to other people that were damaged, had terrible childhoods, had alcoholic parents, had addiction problems, you name it. Why would I feel drawn to those people, when people like that had done nothing but hurt me?

Two reasons: 1) It was all I ever knew, so it felt "normal" to be around people who were just as screwed up as me. Being around healthy people felt boring and foreign. Human beings like being around their own "tribe," not someone else's, for the most part...
and 2) I felt like those people were the only ones who truly "felt my pain." And since I wanted someone to empathize with me and 'save' me, I felt really intuitively comfortable with them.

Getting into a population of people who had their heads screwed on straight was a little intimidating at first -- I felt like a freak. But after a while, I found I could really work on myself with a clear head and a clear conscience, and I started to leave my baggage on the roadside, piece by piece.

Wasn't easy, but it's certainly brought me to a better place.

Sending you hugs, dolce. I know it's really a hard place to find yourself.

dothi

I tend to think of working on my ACoA issues like taking a class. It's very intimidating to get a glimpse of the second midterm when you haven't even written the first. But certainly in time and as you progress, these new overwhelming issues will be whittled down. Just as you may feel now just moving from an ACoA in denial or oblivion to a self-aware person.

Quote:

Also, I've never been in a long-term relationship (as in less than 6 weeks). Ever, and I'm almost 20.

I'm sure you've heard this before, but when it comes to long-term relationships, you are still young! Which means the clock hasn't run out on you yet, and not anytime soon! I didn't have my first long-term relationship until I was ~22-23, and boy did that crash and burn (largely in part due to ACoA issues, which prevented me from recognizing the signs that this relationship was becoming unhealthy). I was so desperate for a hero that even as it was falling apart in front of me, I couldn't let go. That was a big sign to me that I had to deal with my ACoA issues, because they were turning me into someone I was not proud to be.

FWIW now I'm with someone for a great family, and if he's at all deterred by my messy ACOA upbringing, he doesn't let it show. But let me tell you that even though I've got a wonderful partner from a "normal" upbringing, I'm still in on my ACoA junk alone. Push come to shove, no matter how much work you do, you're still alone on being responsible for your life. It would be nice if my partner could jump in and save me (and there are certainly times when he helps pacify me during the crazy-making times), but in the end I sincerely wouldn't want him to be right in there, wading through the mess. He doesn't deserve that in his life anymore than I do.

Are there times when the teenage girl in me wishes for a champion? Sure, that's years of longing and conditioning for someone that I didn't realize doesn't really exist. That desire fulfills a need somewhere, somehow, that nothing else in my life quite satisfies. But the adult woman in me, who is responsible for all my little girl feelings, knows the difference between fantasy and reality. In my fantasy my "hero" is responsible for protecting me and making me happy. In reality, well, I'm the responsible one. And really in the end, after all the boneheads and would-be heros I've met, I think I've really got the better end of the deal managing this hero business myself. It takes the pressure off my partner, and leaves me with the confidence that I can handle just about anything. Hang in there, dolce7dolore

lostnfound1961

I know the gaping hole. I had and sometimes still have it. I tryed to fill it with alcohol and then God and people like my husband but nothing fit. Nothing filled that space and through a lot of work and counceling I figured out what was missing. (ME) That hole is the place I hid my self as a little girl and she has been hiding in that dark place for most of my life. I am trying to nurcher and heal her wonds and as I do the hole gets smaller and smaller.
I hope that helps.
D

sienna76

This particularly stuck out at me. There are love relationships out there that make your life better, sweeter, more satisfying. I used to think it was really rare for this to happen, but now I'm in one of those relationships and I have really come so far, even before he and I met. I think it's just a journey you keep advancing on - I still work on myself, but the difference from before is that I feel I'm whole enough and happy enough ALONE to be able to share my life with someone now.

So there is hope if you want this kind of love.


So I say yes, once you are healthy and trained yourself at healthy relationship 101 (I used self help books), you don't really think like what you posted above anymore. You have the confidence and ability to make better relationship choices.

guiab

I know that gaping hole also, and I have tried to fill it with work, sports, relationships, and endless hours self-centered ruminating on the past and future. When I move to a new location it moves with me.
I have no sure answer to filling that hole, that yearning for something that can't be named, but I have faith that the alanon program and meetings, plus talking to others about recovery (including this forum), will get me there.

Lostnfound is right that God can't fill that hole any better than a relationship or alcohol, but I do think a higher power of my own understanding is essential. My higher power is part of my program for recovery, not a replacement for it. I can do lots of hard work, that is not the problem, but I need guidance (prayer, reading, talking, posting) to know what kind of hard work is good for recovery and what is bad for recovery.

GL and Dothi have it right that the best relationships are those that will not hurt us or our recovery, but the work of recovery is done alone.

And I have been away a few months too, from this forum and meetings, at a summer camp job with crazy schedule and dial-up internet access.
The time away has been helpful to internalize some of the good advice I have received here.

TheGirlInside

Okay, I'm not very good at enclosing quotes.

I'm getting what you are saying. I have, numerous times, felt the pull of living with my sick family, but this last time cured me for good. I now understand that in my father's eyes, I appear in either the + or - column depending on how much $$$ I hand over to him. In my mother's eyes, I am a constant disappointment...no matter what. In my sister's eyes (who lives with the parents full-time, squatting), I am the devil incarnate, not to mention completely insane and hateful 100% of the time.

As per the gaping hole...I totally get that as well. I call it the void. That void which I had always wanted (needed) someone else to fill...to give me love, to offer me praise, to sooth my pain, and calm my fears. That had to come from inside myself. It was like trying to fill a hole in the earth with nails, paper, garbage, when what would work best is to fill it with more dirt.

All those things I wished a romantic partner could say to me...I realized I had to say to myself. All those placed I wanted [him] to take me, I had to take myself. The gentle touches, even. I had to smooth my own hair, run my hands over my own shoulders...sounds weird, maybe, but it was the beginning of recovery from relationship addiction for me.

At first, it was difficult, and I did it with some resentment, but it has become somewhat of second nature to me now.

I don't have anyone "special" in my life right now, and I do long for it, but I also realize that emotionally, I am in no way ready for any intense romantic relationship...I know for a fact that it would cause the both of us more misery than happiness right now.

So, I'm trying to concentrate on what I can - spending time with my children, (going on my first real vacation in years next week!), nurturing friendships with people who accept me and offer healthy support, and working my my house. It will be a while yet, and maybe even never. Today, I am okay with that.

Give yourself some Love today, :ghug3