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Dysfunction Hi everyone, I've never posted in this forum before. A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon a description of ACoAs. I could relate to just about everything the authors of that article described. Reading that piece was very painful, disturbing and shocking - I could literally feel the blood draining from my face. My father drank heavily for a short while, during my late teens, and stopped altogether ten years ago. However, I don't think that alcohol abuse is a major theme in my family as a whole. James Whitfield, author of the "Healing the Child Within" books, defines a dysfunctional family as one where the needs of one or more members are not met. That is most definitely true in my own experience. Though I don't consider myself as being childish, I do feel like a child very often. As I progress in my own recovery from alcohol abuse, I'm slowly setting myself free from the expectations and demands that have burdened me for years. I'm finding it very difficult to gather my bearings, though. Becoming my own person, clarifying my personal goals and values, getting in touch with my true feelings - it's overwhelming and exhausting. I literally don't know where to begin. Anyway, this is just my intro post. Thanks for reading, I'll definitely be checking in to this forum often. |
Congratulations on your recovery from alcohol abuse, Matt! I know that it seems daunting when you are trying to work out where to even start in recovering from a dysfunctional family, but you're not alone here as we all know what that is like and are in different stages of recovery (I am by no means very far along myself). Keep talking on here, there's loads of supportive and kind people to talk to, and lots of luck x |
Thank you, Lenore :) This is very new to me - I've been reading books on the subject, and it seems like recovery can take a while. I'm more than willing to do the work, though, as I honestly can't see myself moving forward with this suffocating burden on tow. Thanks again =) |
Matt, Congratulations on your continued sobriety, and on that "aha" moment of having ACOA baggage. At first, for me, it was like opening up a dusty old treasure chest full of spiders and dread. But the work that it forced me to do has brought an incredible amount of wisdom, strength, and joy to my life. Hoping it is the same for you. I'm glad you're with us! :hug: GL |
Thanks for the warm welcome, GL :) Right now, I'm at a loss.. I don't know how or where to begin this new chapter of my journey. For the time being, I'm allowing myself to relax, and to take each day as it comes. I don't want to coast, though.. |
Have you considered contacting a therapist? |
One thing that opened my eyes was someone telling me that, "Expectations are premeditated resentments." I expected so much from everyone! I expected to be loved, cared for, helped when I needed it. Needless to say, I didn't receive much of that while I was growing up. My expectations were not unreasonable either. But, as an adult, if I have expectations of someone else, and they do not fulfill those expectations, what am I to do? I can't force them! So, why stress over it? Instead, I choose to make the best of what I have. Keep on posting and you will find that you will grow and grow and grow. I have learned so much here. When I first came here, I was a literal basket case. Now, I have peace and live without any chaos in my life.(except my occational gripe about my mother the A in my life, she's been sober 30 yrs) You will too. It sounds like you're expecting too much of your own self. So, try to take it easy on your self as you mature in sobriety and recovery. |
Hello there mattcake, and welcome to our corner of recovery :)
Originally Posted by mattcake79
(Post 2283762)
...Right now, I'm at a loss.. I don't know how or where to begin this new chapter of my journey. For the time being, I'm allowing myself to relax, and to take each day as it comes. I don't want to coast, though.. Welcome again. Mike :) |
Thanks again for the welcome :) I'll be starting therapy again soon - after doing therapy nonstop for 10 years, I recently took a six month break. I'm glad I did, as it gave me the opportunity to look at the bigger picture, and figure out the areas that I need to work on next. WW, you're right, maybe I am expecting too much from myself - as usual, lol. I used to be extremely rigid and ruthlessly hard on myself, but I've managed to tone down my innner critic during these past few years. Mike, I'll look into Al-anon. I'm not sure I "qualify", though, as alcohol/substance abuse has never been a big issue in my family - maybe I'm being selective by trying to downplay my father's alcohol abuse. What I'm trying to say is that my family was highly dysfunctional in very covert ways; chaotic, violent scenes were extremely rare... and I guess that was unhealthy, too. Oh well, I'm rambling. Thanks again :hug: |
Hi Matt, good to see you here! CoDA is another option you may look into. While there isn't alcoholism in my family of origin, there's definitely dysfunction of other types. I'm in my 8th month of CoDA work; the recovery process has been an amazing journey of self-discovery. I understand the feelings of being a "child" in some regards; I'm finding that there are several parts of my emotional make-up that are indeed that of a child and with my CoDA work those areas are getting to grow into their adult state. Keep coming back! |
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