GingerM

I am currently in a situation which I think is a set-up for failure. I've been asked to complete a task which is almost guaranteed to fail. I'm trying very hard to remind myself that this task has an extraordinarily slim chance of success (perhaps less than 1%), and yet there is a lot riding on it. I am getting little to no support from the person who "should" be responsible for achieving the goal.

Any helpful words on how to not get sucked into the old ACoA "I HAVE to get this right or my whole person will be a failure" routine? I mean, besides reminding myself over and over of the logical fallacy there? I've been doing my best to try to keep my anxiety levels down, but find them creeping up every day until I"m clenching my teeth at the end of the day.

Thanks all!

~Gin

Sweets79

Hey Ginger,

I'm an adult child of an alcoholic, and I understand what you're saying about getting it right or feeling like a failure.

I don't know what your situation is exactly, but try not to put so much pressure on yourself. I know that's easier said than done. I have felt that way about certain situations. Even though I knew there was such a huge chance it wouldn't work out, I kept pushing for it, ignoring my logical thinking.

I really don't know what to say here, except I have felt the way you're feeling alot. Just try to remind yourself you're only human and you're doing your best. Having all that anxiety by the end of day is so damaging, believe me, I deal with it alot. Give yourself a break and try not to let it stress you out so much. Maybe do something to get your mind off of it, even for just a little while. Don't let it suck all your energy out. I don't know about you, but it's very hard for me to get something out of my mind once it's bothering me, but you can't let it overtake you. I know, easier said than done.

worthyoflove

What about the slogans, "I can make plans, but I can't plan the outcome" and "Let Go, Let God".

GiveLove

Would it help to step back from this and try to get perspective on it?

Unless the project means the lives - or deaths - of thousands of people (does it?) I've always found relief in focusing on how ultimately unimportant it is.

Ten years from now, says me, will I even remember this happened? Will I sit on my little government-subsidized geriatric porch swing when I'm 90 and think, "Yes...I failed there...that's what started my entire life going down the tubes...yep, yep..."

I also like Martha Beck's worst-case-scenario exercises: "I'll fail, and it'll all be blamed on me, and no one here will talk to me any more, and they'll start writing things on my car in lipstick, like 'Go Home Loser' and 'Traitor to the Cause' and I'll be forced to quit and get a job at McDonalds, where I'll get carpal tunnel from flipping too many burgers, and I'll have to sell my children into prostitution in order to pay our bills........"

I can be VERY creative in the interests of putting things in their proper perspective.

You are being honest about the prospects for success of such a task UP FRONT, and backing up that honesty with cold hard facts, if I know you. There is little you can say (to anyone else, or to yourself) besides: It's unlikely to work, but I will put 100% into it, and when I'm done I'll know that I did every single thing I could do while still maintaining my sanity. And my sanity comes first. Always."

It's miserable, isn't it? I have the same issues. Just ask Mike (DesertEyes)

DesertEyes

Me thinks we're _all_ here cuz we have the same issues. In fact, the reason we're all here is cuz we're not all there

As far as Ginger's question, what I do is redefine the task. I've had my share of impossible tasks, mostly at work. Although I once gave myself the impossible task of getting my then wife to quit her addiction to pills.

If the task I've been given is imposible, then I change _my_ task to something do-able. The impossible task is not going to be completed anyway, so why even bother? At work I change my task to :

a) Find some way to protect my job (forget the original task, it's not happening anyway)
b) Find a new job
c) Find a way to toss the blame for the failure back on the person who'se trying to blame it on me.
d) All of the above.

With my ex-wife, whom I was unable to get to quit the pills, I changed my task to

a) Get into al-anon and figure out how to use it to help me.
b) Deal with the overwhelming pain of losing my marriage.
c) Get outta town cuz the distance and no contact would be a huge help.

All of which have worked quite well. 'course I was miserable while in the midst of it all, but like GiveLove said, as the years go by those deeply painful times fade into the happiness of my present life.

Mike

GingerM

The task is, unfortunately, not work related. At least then I'd have the skills to know what to do with it.

The job could very well mean the lives or deaths of people, making it that much more "pull me into old thought patterns". And I have a very short time to do it in, with a hard deadline, which doesn't help.

Ten years from now I will definitely remember it - no way I could forget it. The bigger question of whether I will regret how things turn out...well, I can't know that until I find out how it turns out.

So the "I can make plans, but I can't plan the outcome" is very useful here. I can give it 100% of my ability (which I'm doing) and hope for the best. The worst case scenario is a few dead people, and while I'm trying to convince myself that that scenario is unlikely, it isn't supported by the statistics. Statistics support that there is a 25% chance of serious injury and about a 7% chance of death of others if I fail this task.

Oy. Okay... I can only do what I can do, and I will do it to the best of my ability, and I am not omnipotent and I can not control the actions of others, no matter how much I want to. Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, but maybe that will help me through this.

GiveLove

Have you considered -- for the future -- not becoming involved in projects that involve such dire consequences? I'm making the leap that, since it is not work-related, this is something you volunteered yourself for, knowing that the chance of success was slim....and the price very high. Just wondering what went into your thinking processes when you accepted this task, and how you might use those processes to your advantage to get through it.

Sometimes my ACOA superwoman is in charge when I take on new tasks, and when that energy rush has subsided, everyday GiveLove is left with this insurmountable obstacle put in place by the overachiever in me....and I get very angry at myself.

It's not someone pushing my buttons in those situations...it's ME pushing my buttons, testing my resolve to stay centered and serene. I can often get through those places by asking myself questions:
--What did my highest Self want when I said yes?
--What unique strength or skill did I tell myself I could contribute?
--What is my own yardstick of success?

Very tough situation, Ginger.........sending you my best.

Wascally Wabbit

Ginger, you're one of the best on this board. You're smart, caring and able.

I can't add to what the others have said, except to say that if someone else asked you to do it, why can't they find someone else?

As you know, I am slowly learning that NO is a complete sentance.
Anyway, we'll all be here for you.

GingerM

The task at hand is one that HAS to be done by someone. Unfortunately, the person who "should" be doing it is unreliable, undependable etc. And it must be done by someone with the legal right to do so. Which leaves me or my parents - my parents are not an option.

The silver lining, I suppose, is that this is also a one-time-only deal. I don't have to do it again. Once it's done, it's done.

I'm trying very hard to give myself reality checks, remind myself that I can't make the world turn out the way I want it to, and that if I succeed in the important part of my task (not getting anyone killed) the rest should follow in line.

As some background about me, btw, I teach professional chemists how to handle liquids so dangerous that a teaspoon of it on their skin will kill them in 30 minutes or less, and there is no "antidote" or other "fix" for it. I'm used to doing things where a life (or eyes, or arms or other bits of bodies) are on the line if I don't do my job (teaching them) well enough. At least I know what the pressure feels like, and I know how to keep myself calm on the outside even if I'm screaming on the inside.

Thanks for all the support folks. When I posted this, I was really struggling. Since I first posted, I seem to have managed to find more "peaceful" ways of looking at it, and lowered my blood pressure a couple of decades

GiveLove

Just as in your signature, Gin: You are doing a small (important) deed with great love.

That's all we can really do. And it IS enough. The world will keep spinning.

Big waves of peace to you this morning

Wascally Wabbit

Glad to see you're more calm and peaceful. I guess it goes that way. we have a problem, we become stressed over it, then we have time to think about it, get help from others and, yay! We are better able to deal with it.

GingerM

I figure if I keep practicing, I should get better at it, right? And I seem to have ample opportunities to practice! Sometimes I just need someone to whack me with a velvet hammer to remind me that I've slipped. One of the reasons I LOVE my therapist is that she (and the really good guy before her) had no problems just flat out saying "does that seem reasonable to you?" or "so you're expecting an inherently chaotic person to behave in a predictable way?" At least they put the velvet on the hammer first

Wascally Wabbit

If that isn't something that should be pinned to my bathroom mirror, I don't know what is. Here's a statement that I can ask myself before I allow myself to get swallowed up by someone else's chaos. It's the most basic statement. The simplest question, but it asks so very much. It forces a strong answer, an honest answer.