nowinsituation

This weekend was the big (50th) anniversary party for my parents. The planning of this party had been a bit of a dysfunctional exercise for months between my mom, my sister, and me -- and I was not exactly looking forward to spending time with my family. In fairness, we all get along with each other well, but the dynamics are so mentally draining to me, especially as I have been trying to practice more healthy behaviors. My mother's favorite mode of communication is triangulation, and it gets worse and worse as she gets older because I am sure she really doesn't remember what she says a lot of the time.... But now that I am better at recognizing it I don't engage. This confuses everyone as that is NOT what I used to to (and NOT what I am supposed to do).

I still have trouble with the ACOA label as I don't remember my Dad ever being drunk around me (more on that later). I think a lot of my ACOA characteristics come from being overweight all through my childhood, and all the torment I received because of that -- much of it from my older brother who was verbally and physically abusive to me.... We get along now, but I have never dealt with that stuff.

Because of that I have never been comfortable in front of people, always feeling they all must be thinking how fat and ugly I am. But, I am beginning to see myself as a competent and attractive person. I can now look at photos of myself and think I don't look so bad. I got many compliments during the party on how I "turned out" (so to speak). That really helped me let lose of some of those old ghosts from my past. BTW - I am now 47 yrs old, so I have been hanging on to those ghosts for a loooong time!

The final thing I wanted to share is something that really has me thinking... We had paper sitting around for guests to write a favorite memory for my mom & dad. I overheard one of the cousins talking to my mom about maybe she should write about that day when the guys almost killed the children. The rest of that story is we used to spend time together at a nearby lake. On this particular occassion the men took the kids fishing and proceeded to all get extremely drunk -- with 6 young kids, in a fishing boat, in the middle of the lake. And, this wasn't the only time, just one of the "worst" times, or maybe one of the few times they had the kids with them..... Guess I must have seen my dad drunk after all????

Lots of stuff to process yet. I sort of just needed to write it down before I forgot about it....

GiveLove

Hi nowin,

Sounds like you handled things pretty well from my perspective...though I can see how it would be absolutely exhausting. I don't deal with those kinds of situations very well...I reach burnout pretty quickly. Kinda glad it's done?

Lots to process.........feel free to process with us


GL

dothi

Hey nowinasituation. I think what you're describing (not remembering seeing your dad drunk) is probably pretty normal if you're dad wasn't an abusive drunk. Children don't perceive things the way adults do; it's part of being a kid. Although you saw dad while he was drunk, your child's brain didn't necessarily know how to perceive drunk behavior as anything but jovial/distant/anxious/tired/etc.

I could not recognize what alcohol had to do with my AF for a long time. AF was always the happy parent (though unpredictable and inconsistent). Ask me as a teenager: "Alcohol in my family? Where? What are you talking about?" :wtf2

Anyhow, it sounds like you held your ground very well. Definitely feel great about that

tromboneliness

Ya, this is how it worked for me, too, to some extent. I remember some times -- one, in particular, when my parents were so furious at each other that they could hardly see straight, and I was trying to figure out how to defuse the situation -- when I didn't really recognize a drunken fight when I saw one, because as a kid, I didn't have any reference points. Just as when my Mom was bipolar, I knew something was wrong but had no idea what normal was. As for the drunken fights, I didn't pick up on it until an old friend of theirs (an AA) told me about some of her experiences with them, in the context of "they used to get drunk and fight so much that when I was over at their place, I'd go into a room that had a lock on the door, because I was afraid of what they might do." See, I didn't pick up on that part of it... because I was a 5-year-old (or whatever) and couldn't really process what was going on.

T

sienna76

I am glad you were able to continue with your healthy behaviors despite the dysfunctional habits of your family. I too understand about not wanting to see family. I love when people recognize how well I "turned out" too.

I recall a drunk boating story with uncles, except we were on speed boats and I was learning to water ski. My mom was so worried, and I thought nothing of it as a kid.

Wascally Wabbit

My sister is completely estranged from mom and me.

My mom tried the "triangulating" with sis and me. She had me convinced my sis was verbally abusive (maybe she was) using my mother for money that she refused to pay back (there's 2 sides to every story) and so on.

I made the HUGE mistake of getting involved. My sis told mother every single thing I said.
I denied it of course!
It turned out to be one ugly mess.
After the mess was almost over with, I was left standing there going, "what the heck just happened?" :crazy
My sis was mad at me, my mother blamed me and her for everything. All I did was relay information!

You can bet your life that I learned my lesson from that.

Later on, my mom started complaining that my sis owed her money and that she wanted me to call my sis and tell her that mom was going to take her to court over it.

I flat out told mom that she would have to do that her self. Mom tried the guilt trip thing by saying that I didn't care for my poor old mother.
I made it clear to mom that I would never get involved between her and sis again. I told her that if she has a problem with her other daughter, then it's between her and sis. She's and adult, and an old timer in AA. She has the tools to do it herself.