Prozac

I am so overwhelmed right now I don't know what to do. I've always prided myself on the fact that I have never taken on the role of an enabler. I have always recognized my father for what he was and radically accepted it (as in, I don't like it, don't agree with it, but it is what it is - he has to make his own decision to change). I ran from my family upon graduating high school at 17. At that point my father was a dry drunk and even at that tender age I recognized that. He was never well, never in recoery, and while he wasn't drinking for several years, his issues still dominated the family.

My mother (who is not your typical enabler, she quit caring/trying many years ago and stayed for financial reasons) finally recognized that having a father in the home wasn't worth it and asked him to move out a couple of years ago...

Which leaves me today. A social worker who works in mental health and substance abuse (with an alcoholic father who also refuses treatment for his bipolar disorder). I'm also currently in grad school and stretched beyond my limit already with school, work, and internship. Yet currently I've become a one-woman 1-800 help line. And despite my years of setting limits, I can't say no...

It's my brother. He just turned 17, things are getting ugly and my idiot father is helping it along. My brother has started abusing substances (and my father is helping with that as well). My mom doesn't know what to do, she too has set limits with my father over the years (as previously stated), but this is her son! And he's my brother! My dad was never there, and due to the age gap, my brother is like a child to me. In a moment of worry I even offered to have my brother come live with me (as I live a long distance away) and sought out social programming for him for the summer. My father kabashed that by purchasing him a new motorcyle (after the kid was expelled from school for dealing and was already flunking out of half of his classes - realize he was on the honor roll at the beginning of the year - this is not normal!). When I finally got up the gumption to ask my dad about this, he had the never to put me on speaker phone in front of my brother! My brother respects me, I'm young enough to be "cool" and he often seeks me out for advice. Now...

Sorry for this to be so long, this isn't even a 1/16th of it all, but... *pulls hair out*

DesertEyes

Hello there Prozac, and welcome to our little corner of recovery

Sorry to hear about your family, but glad to hear that _you_ were able to get out of the chaos and insanity.

I _totally_ understand about being a 1-800 help line. That is _exactly_ what I was for my "toxic family". I had to learn to set limits with _all_ of them, not just the more visibly disturbed ones. I started charging them for "counseling services". US$120 bucks an hour, and overtime if they called after 5PM.

And I wouldn't take a second call until they paid off their debt from the previous call. Whadya know, it took awhile, but they quit calling !!!!

What worked for me was to not try and resolve _all_ my issues all in one day. I rephrased that to "I can't say no, today". And then it became "I can say maybe, sometimes".

Have you tried meetings of al-anon? I found them hugely helpful. And I'll clue you in on a secret, there's _tons_ of social workers, counselors, therapists and shrinks at those meetings There's a reason we make such good health care professionals, we've been practicing _all_ of our lives.

Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us.

Mike

Prozac

I have no fear of al-non (and really wish there was some ACoA meetings locally, which would probably be of even more help as I've gone through most of the Al-non steps on my own and just can't beat the rest...) as a professional. I just wish I had the time. I'm currently working 50-60 hours a week as I always do, conducting a 20 hour a week internship, and commuting an hour away two nights a week to classes, not to mention homework...

My biggest problem here is that I can say no to my parents. I have no problem with that. But this is my (minor) brother and I'm freaking out. And I have no time to properly address it or what my actions should be. I made the offer of him coming to stay here with my husband's full support (who my brother also has a good relationship with), and honestly was hoping for him to carry me in all of this. Not the best plan, but... Dad has managed to fall below my expectations in all of this though, if such a thing was possible (I now know that it is).

This is where I'm so torn. This is my BABY! I feel him, I've been there. I made it through. But he has additional problems (severe ADHD and already diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder as our father does) to hinder him. Not to mention the male to male factor.

So how do I set limits when an innocent (semi) is at risk? And my father is helping him on his path to future hell? This is where all skills and training go out the window for me.

DesertEyes

Hey there Prozac

By the way, I just _love_ your "nickname", that is _so_ appropriate for us ACoA's

ok. put on your professional hat and let's do a little of that "empty chair" technique. Imagine you're counseling somebody who comes to see you, and they tell you much the same story you have shared here. Your "client" tells you they work 50-60 hours a week, 20hr internship, commuting to school, etc. etc.

Now your "client" tells you they want to adopt a young man with significant needs in terms of supervision and follow up.

Where, _exactly_, is your "client" going to fit the time this young man is going to need in order to have a healthy, supportive environment where they can thrive?

See, that's where "book learning" about al-anon has failed you. It is _not_ about saying "no". It's about finding a balance that provides a healthy life for everybody involved. _sometims_ that means saying "no", but the majority of the time it means saying "yes" to a healthy environment for those that are willing to take it.

My biological family used me as their crisis line as long as I let them. That was clearly unhealthy for me, but also prevented them from ever seeking therapy for themselves. When I established boundaries I was _not_ saying "no". I was saying "yes" to buiding a healthy life for _me_, free from their chaos. I was also saying "yes" to giving them the opportunity to find therapy and recovery for themselves.

I was raised in a chaotic, abusive family. There was abundant alchohlism, child abuse, and the occasional sociopathic pedophile. I ran away at the age of 12 and discovered that living on the street with pimps, prostitutes and drug dealers was safer than living at home. However, when I ran away, I left behind my 8 yr old brother.

I carried that guilt for a _long_ time.

What I realize today is that if I had brought him with me on the streets I would have been equally unable to defend him as I had been at home. The chances of _both_ of us surviving together were far, far less than his chances staying at home.

Today, he's a wonderful Dad and soon to be Grandpa. Been married to the same charming young lady for 25yrs. Has a very stable career, a nice house, three kids that adore him and far too many cats.

Well then walk over to that window and close it

Do an intake assesment on yourself.

1- How many hours a day do you _really_ have available to be a _parent_ to this young man?

2- Given those hours, what quality of parenting will this young man _really_ receive from you?

3- As a professional health care worker, half your job is finding options that your clients are too emotionally involved to notice. So what other options are available to yourself as a "client? Here's a few that I can see.

a) Set aside _two_ hours a week to visit your brother and take him out somewhere.

b) Scale back on some of your commitments in order to have more than 2 hours free for your brother.

c) Get a job somewhere else where you can make ends meet at only 40hrs a week.

etc. etc.

You start by setting limits on what _you_ are able to provide to others. If you try to provide 24hrs a day support 7 days a week you will not last more than a week and quickly become a burden on people instead of a support. You need to find a balance on how many hours you can provide to others on a _permanent_ basis, for the _long term_.

Which is, basically, what al-anon teaches us to do. That is exactly what I have had to do in my life. Realize that I am only human, and that many times the best thing I can do for others, especially my family, is to give them the dignity of living a life where I am only a supporting friend and not a rescuer.

Whadya think?

Mike

sicntired

that's terrible

dothi

I hear how you're feeling. My brother (younger by 6 years) went through a heavy-drinking phase towards the end of high school, when he was about your brother's age, totally following in his old man's footsteps. My AF absolutely did not help. He wanted to live vicariously through my brother and experience the teenage-hood he never had. He did anything BUT set a good example by hosting teenage drunken parties "for my brother" and getting plastered with the teenagers. I was away at university at the time, and my brother was also my baby. And yes it was absolutely frustrating. University was not a happy time in the family side of my life. It felt like without me there to regulate, the family was going to ruin as I had always feared, and there was nothing I could do about it from so far away.

But the more I pushed for my brother to make healthy choices, the more he resisted. In fact, the more the alcoholic dynamic reinforced the drinking. The more I came off as shrewish, like my mom, and the more my brother began to ignore me, like my AF. Your father putting you on speaker phone as you're trying to talk about the pink elephant in the room is blatant reinforcement of how "silly" your ideas are - ideas that do NOT maintain the drinking/substance abuse/addiction.

But the more I left my brother alone with the space to make his own choices, the more he eventually started to act like an adult. I also had to recognize that 17 is young. Yes, you absolutely have a right to be concerned. But your brother is still growing - remember that. If he looks up to you then he's got at least one great role model in his life, which is exactly what he needs. The more you try to hammer in smart thinking, the more he will see you like a parent and possibly push away. That was certainly my experience.

I've left saying no to the family feature of alcoholism to my brother because he is the only one who can make that decision. I let him know that I love him, and am concerned that he was making harmful choices, and that was it. That had to be it, because I've also realized that when it comes to my own family, I am not well-equipped for recognizing what I can and can't control. This is because I love them and because the alcoholism-driven behaviors from my family are so good at pushing my buttons.

It's probably not a story of hope and triumph that you could really use right now, but it may somehow help.

Prozac

Thank-you everyone. I don't know how this is going to end, but common sense (and all of you, of course) kicked in. I KNOW that I can't take my brother in at this point in time - although realize my husband was on board and has the time that I don't. I'm not totally insane!

I'm placing limits on phone calls and keeping myself out of the drama as much as possible. It hurts, but I also have to remember that at 17, he's almost an adult. It just sucks that he's making such crappy choices and that our dad is enabling him to do so.

GingerM

All you can do is all you can do, and it sounds to me like you've already done that.

I do hope you let your brother know that you're there for him if he decides he wants to have a different life. But making the offer is all you can do for him. Keeping yourself sane is what you need to do for you.

It's very very difficult to watch someone destroy their life, and know there's nothing you can do to stop it. Keep posting here, you'll get a lot of very good support.

Prozac

An update. I did get through to my dad on some level and he explained to my brother why he couldn't live with him (my brother knew this and threw out our great-grandmother's famous "idle hands are the devil's workshop" quotes at him). In all, my brother is SMART, he knows what is going on.

In the end, so far it appears to be experimentation (extreme, but...). We've re-established our communication and he has insight into how it so quickly spun out of control for him and relates it to our father.

He's back at home with my mom, being a bit less troublesome (still has a lot of battles to fight with the mental health stuff), but he appears to be happy as does our mom.

He's just such an awesome kid and he touches everyone in my family, we all get him to some extent even when he's at his worst behaviorally. Even my husband adores him. Hence our dread that he was going to go down that road. He still might, but at least he has some insight into what that road holds if he chooses it. (For now he's back to boxing and racing motorcycles to "kill those demons" as he puts it). Or as I put it: Anything to make mom and dad cough up another 5k for a new motorcycle. I didn't say he was stupid!

Thanks for all of the support and common sense!