Any advice for a recovering alcoholic and parent?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,415
Any advice for a recovering alcoholic and parent?
My kids are ten and eleven - I got sober when they were four and five. I'm mindful that they are still the children of an alcoholic, drunk or sober.
I know this is a terrifically general question, but what would you have liked your parents to have done differently? I'd like to be a better parent to my kids, but sometimes, like anyone I suppose, I feel too close to be able to see what's going on. Some principles to be borne in mind would be gratefully received!
I know this is a terrifically general question, but what would you have liked your parents to have done differently? I'd like to be a better parent to my kids, but sometimes, like anyone I suppose, I feel too close to be able to see what's going on. Some principles to be borne in mind would be gratefully received!
hmm....
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Leeds, UK
Posts: 45
Hi Paulmh
I'm not a parent, but I know for sure, that i'd of liked my parents to have had the time to ask me if i was ok once in a while, and not judge my answers or dismiss them too quickly. I think being able to talk is fundemental. Being closed minded, or too set in your ways can damage somone who thinks completely different to you immensley. Find some small different life experiences to do with them as much as possible will hopefully mean they grow up a well rounded person, who is open to talk through their problems with you.
The world is a messed up place, and when your young, it can start to seem that's just the way it has to be. If your parents are showing you otherways to be, even to the way they are, I think this is the key.
just my opinion!
I'm not a parent, but I know for sure, that i'd of liked my parents to have had the time to ask me if i was ok once in a while, and not judge my answers or dismiss them too quickly. I think being able to talk is fundemental. Being closed minded, or too set in your ways can damage somone who thinks completely different to you immensley. Find some small different life experiences to do with them as much as possible will hopefully mean they grow up a well rounded person, who is open to talk through their problems with you.
The world is a messed up place, and when your young, it can start to seem that's just the way it has to be. If your parents are showing you otherways to be, even to the way they are, I think this is the key.
just my opinion!
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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I posted this over in the Relationships forum too, hopefully the mods won't bust me for cross-posting! 
Quote:
Originally Posted by paulmh
I know this is a terrifically general question, but what would you have liked your parents to have done differently? I'd like to be a better parent to my kids, but sometimes, like anyone I suppose, I feel too close to be able to see what's going on.[/i]
That's a great question Paul, my fiancee and I were discussing this last night while mulling over what to do about my son, we're struggling with his selfishness, ego, entitlement, and being spoiled in general.
My kids are 11 & 13, they were 7 & 9 when I stumbled into AA, they witnessed plenty of my drinking, the fighting, their Mom's affair, the divorce, etc. So I guess I can never say "my kids have never seen me drink".
Honestly, I think my parents did a pretty good job. Dad worked his butt off and went to school to always better himself, Mom was a housewife and did an admirable job of raising three boys. They always told us they loved us, did their best to teach us responsibility, and they both drank and fought way too much. So if I had one wish, it's that I didn't learn about relationships from watching them. I grew up thinking it was OK to drink and fight as long as it didn't turn physical.
I often have to think about one of the AA Promises, we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Sometimes it's so painful to look back, but in looking forward I'm inspired to do the next right thing, and to keep my side of the street clean. I tell my children I love them every day, I lead with my example, I give careful thought to my actions and behavior around them. I'm way too hard on myself sometimes, I'm probably a darn good parent and you probably are too, most parents in recovery seem to be that way. So let's give ourselves a pat on the back, at least for today, OK?
I like to read this part of The Prophet sometimes, it helps put things back in perspective for me......
On Children
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children." And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by paulmh
I know this is a terrifically general question, but what would you have liked your parents to have done differently? I'd like to be a better parent to my kids, but sometimes, like anyone I suppose, I feel too close to be able to see what's going on.[/i]
That's a great question Paul, my fiancee and I were discussing this last night while mulling over what to do about my son, we're struggling with his selfishness, ego, entitlement, and being spoiled in general.
My kids are 11 & 13, they were 7 & 9 when I stumbled into AA, they witnessed plenty of my drinking, the fighting, their Mom's affair, the divorce, etc. So I guess I can never say "my kids have never seen me drink".
Honestly, I think my parents did a pretty good job. Dad worked his butt off and went to school to always better himself, Mom was a housewife and did an admirable job of raising three boys. They always told us they loved us, did their best to teach us responsibility, and they both drank and fought way too much. So if I had one wish, it's that I didn't learn about relationships from watching them. I grew up thinking it was OK to drink and fight as long as it didn't turn physical.
I often have to think about one of the AA Promises, we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Sometimes it's so painful to look back, but in looking forward I'm inspired to do the next right thing, and to keep my side of the street clean. I tell my children I love them every day, I lead with my example, I give careful thought to my actions and behavior around them. I'm way too hard on myself sometimes, I'm probably a darn good parent and you probably are too, most parents in recovery seem to be that way. So let's give ourselves a pat on the back, at least for today, OK?
I like to read this part of The Prophet sometimes, it helps put things back in perspective for me......
On Children
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children." And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Fortunately your children are young enough to accept the change. My mom drank until I was in my 20's.
It's great that you would ask your question. You can get answers from those of us on the other side of the fence.
I can only tell you about my situation. My mom quit drinking after years of torturing me and my sister with hateful drunkedness.
She quit, but most of her weird behavior remains. She never apologized to me or my sis. SHe pretended like nothing ever happened and now that she's quit drinking, everything is hunkey dorey!! This is outright denial.
Funny, she's sponsored hundreds of people over the 30 years she's been in AA. She doesn't follow the steps her self unless it benefits her and her only. She is a control freak, and a chronic complainer, as well as extremely judgmental. Needless to say I really don't want to be around her much.
My two cents would say to be honest with your kids. Apologize and genuinely mean it. Don't be afraid to admit to your kids you did something wrong. Kids appreciate honesty.
Work it out with your children if they are having troubles. Love them with all your heart.
Its wonderful that you have quit drinking and are living a new, precious life. I stand up and applaud you for it!
It's great that you would ask your question. You can get answers from those of us on the other side of the fence.
I can only tell you about my situation. My mom quit drinking after years of torturing me and my sister with hateful drunkedness.
She quit, but most of her weird behavior remains. She never apologized to me or my sis. SHe pretended like nothing ever happened and now that she's quit drinking, everything is hunkey dorey!! This is outright denial.
Funny, she's sponsored hundreds of people over the 30 years she's been in AA. She doesn't follow the steps her self unless it benefits her and her only. She is a control freak, and a chronic complainer, as well as extremely judgmental. Needless to say I really don't want to be around her much.
My two cents would say to be honest with your kids. Apologize and genuinely mean it. Don't be afraid to admit to your kids you did something wrong. Kids appreciate honesty.
Work it out with your children if they are having troubles. Love them with all your heart.
Its wonderful that you have quit drinking and are living a new, precious life. I stand up and applaud you for it!
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
What a refreshing question, and while Astros quote is right, we can't go back, it's good sometimes to consider it and see how we got to be where we are now.
Things I wished my parents could have done:
1. Say "I'm sorry, I made a mistake."
2. Say "I love you" and mean it, rather than using it as a form of control.
3. Not dismiss anything and everything I ever said as being "stupid". Not dismiss any complaints I may have had because "you'll get over it" or "others have it worse".
4. Give me kudos when I deserved it, rather than saying "now we know you can do that, next time you'll need to do better".
5. Not treated me like I was an annoyance who was always in their way.
Those are the things I still struggle with in my own head. I have finally learned how to say "I made a mistake" without my entire insides lurching about. I still don't believe my parents when they say they love me. I find myself telling myself (in their voices) that my ideas are stupid sometimes. I still struggle with the idea that I don't have to be perfect and can't be perfect because I am human. I still shy away from asking anyone for help because I feel like I'm annoying others and getting in their way.
If you can make your children feel safe, loved and worthy, I think that's the most important thing. I don't believe I ever felt any of those things until I was nearly 40.
Things I wished my parents could have done:
1. Say "I'm sorry, I made a mistake."
2. Say "I love you" and mean it, rather than using it as a form of control.
3. Not dismiss anything and everything I ever said as being "stupid". Not dismiss any complaints I may have had because "you'll get over it" or "others have it worse".
4. Give me kudos when I deserved it, rather than saying "now we know you can do that, next time you'll need to do better".
5. Not treated me like I was an annoyance who was always in their way.
Those are the things I still struggle with in my own head. I have finally learned how to say "I made a mistake" without my entire insides lurching about. I still don't believe my parents when they say they love me. I find myself telling myself (in their voices) that my ideas are stupid sometimes. I still struggle with the idea that I don't have to be perfect and can't be perfect because I am human. I still shy away from asking anyone for help because I feel like I'm annoying others and getting in their way.
If you can make your children feel safe, loved and worthy, I think that's the most important thing. I don't believe I ever felt any of those things until I was nearly 40.
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
I applaud you for dealing with this issue instead of trying to bury the past. And I second what Ginger and Wascally Wabbit have stressed: be consistently honest about what happened and sincerely apologetic.
I would add, and this may be obvious, that you are still the parent and your amends are not in any way an excuse for them to show disrespect. Exactly how you go about this is up to you (and I don't have children).
I know many parents who experimented with drugs and alcohol in their youth, and some of these fell into addiction. In some cases the kids took in the lesson and in other cases they did not. I would guess that those who did the best established clear consistent expectations but maintained a close open talk-to-me-about-anything relationship. And by anything I would include all the little struggles and fears of childhood that are monumental to them but appear trivial to us.
I have this private hypothesis that those parents who show, in consistent action and words, a genuine concern for others, end up with really intelligent and independent children.
Did I mention consistency?
It was kind of lacking in our house.
I would add, and this may be obvious, that you are still the parent and your amends are not in any way an excuse for them to show disrespect. Exactly how you go about this is up to you (and I don't have children).
I know many parents who experimented with drugs and alcohol in their youth, and some of these fell into addiction. In some cases the kids took in the lesson and in other cases they did not. I would guess that those who did the best established clear consistent expectations but maintained a close open talk-to-me-about-anything relationship. And by anything I would include all the little struggles and fears of childhood that are monumental to them but appear trivial to us.
I have this private hypothesis that those parents who show, in consistent action and words, a genuine concern for others, end up with really intelligent and independent children.
Did I mention consistency?
It was kind of lacking in our house.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,415
Man, what fantastic responses!
Consistency, honesty, love, openness. Got it.
You all just reached around the world and mentored me to be a better parent. Thank you so much. My little girl - the eldest - is a little free spirit. My little boy - who is a bit more neurotic - he is the one I want to build up, like you said Barn, to be independent and intelligent. I can't unpick all the factors here, I can only try and do a good job today. I catch myself, and in my (sporadic and inconsistent!) step 10 work try and work with, those aspects of myself as an alcoholic character which are working against me making proper amends to my children, when I do things in the day which create another amend, rather than helping to reduce them! But to have those principles to meditate upon (particulalrly consistency, I was really missing that), that's a gift.
Thanks again
Consistency, honesty, love, openness. Got it.
You all just reached around the world and mentored me to be a better parent. Thank you so much. My little girl - the eldest - is a little free spirit. My little boy - who is a bit more neurotic - he is the one I want to build up, like you said Barn, to be independent and intelligent. I can't unpick all the factors here, I can only try and do a good job today. I catch myself, and in my (sporadic and inconsistent!) step 10 work try and work with, those aspects of myself as an alcoholic character which are working against me making proper amends to my children, when I do things in the day which create another amend, rather than helping to reduce them! But to have those principles to meditate upon (particulalrly consistency, I was really missing that), that's a gift.
Thanks again
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
Fortunately, as long as you continue on your path the bad years should be little but a blurry memory for your kids. And I also applaud you on this post as it shows that you care and are also, I assume, in recovery and not just "not drinking."
As an adult child, who is the daugher of an adult child, who is the son of adult child, who is the daughter of an adult child (the way family history works, huh...?)... I can't tell you how painful it is for my father not to realize the damage he has inflicted on me. Even if he continued on his path and recognized that (an "I'm sorry") I'd feel slightly less angry.
Again though, I don't forsee this as your future. Continue in your reovery. I'm sure you are familar with this, and not knowing your situation, but do want to point out that people tend to developmentally stop when they become addicted. Hence, in my case my dad is about 12 (and as an ACoA I had to grow up fast and passed him up by around age 7-8). Even if my dad got help today, I'd always be his parent - I'm now 70 to his 12 at this point (and I'm only 26). Make sure you are getting all of the help that you need to develop and grow and to be a parent.
So long story short... Continue in your recovery and take care of yourself and love your kids!
As an adult child, who is the daugher of an adult child, who is the son of adult child, who is the daughter of an adult child (the way family history works, huh...?)... I can't tell you how painful it is for my father not to realize the damage he has inflicted on me. Even if he continued on his path and recognized that (an "I'm sorry") I'd feel slightly less angry.
Again though, I don't forsee this as your future. Continue in your reovery. I'm sure you are familar with this, and not knowing your situation, but do want to point out that people tend to developmentally stop when they become addicted. Hence, in my case my dad is about 12 (and as an ACoA I had to grow up fast and passed him up by around age 7-8). Even if my dad got help today, I'd always be his parent - I'm now 70 to his 12 at this point (and I'm only 26). Make sure you are getting all of the help that you need to develop and grow and to be a parent.
So long story short... Continue in your recovery and take care of yourself and love your kids!
one.day.at.a.time.
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Lousiana
Posts: 19
beautiful
this is a really good question and it takes a really big person to ask something like this. my mother was an alcoholic since i was a baby (she passed away earlier this year) i think the best thing you can do for them is realize what, if any, damage you have caused them and make sure they know that you know it was wrong and you are sorry. they may not remember because they were young... but i clearly remember things that happened when i was 5 years old. very clearly. alot of things my parents thought i would not remember, i do. the funny thing is, i remember and they don't because they were using.
honesltly, i think you are a beautiful person for having the courage to ask such a question. i think by acknowledging that you want to be a good mother and that you may have made mistakes in the past but you are on the right path now... god will bless you and your kids are lucky to have you. good luck.
honesltly, i think you are a beautiful person for having the courage to ask such a question. i think by acknowledging that you want to be a good mother and that you may have made mistakes in the past but you are on the right path now... god will bless you and your kids are lucky to have you. good luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
Posts: 51
Great question Paul. I would agree with everyone here and add one thing I wish my parents would have done differently.
Don't bring up the past or hold grudges!
My Amom uses the past as excuses for everything including:
• The #1 excuse, why she's depressed and drinks a lot
• Starting arguments
• Trying to put people on guilt trips
• False accusations
etc....
She says the past is important because it makes us who we are and we can't change that. Ridiculous, there are many things that mold us into who we are. We can and do change who will become if the past has hurt us and we don't want do the same thing. I believe the past is in the past and should stay there. It is History! We shouldn't dwell on it and let it rule us, it's plain unhealthy. Learn from it yes, but only to the point of not making the same mistakes. My mom even gets my dad to sometimes go along with her rantings,unless it's about him of course.
But she refuses to let it go and it is irritating when she has to bring up something that happened years ago, sometimes 60+years. She has ranted at my dad, my brother, me and even the dead, her father esp... So I would recommend to not use the past as excuses for bad behavior, against your kids or anyone else for that matter. I have told both my parents to Let it GO! Change your direction and look to your future. I guess it's too hard for them. They feel they are too old and set in their ways. It's sad really.
May God bless your valiant efforts of raising your kids better than what you got. I believe I have done this too. I will never use the past to berate my children. It is damaging to them.
Don't bring up the past or hold grudges!
My Amom uses the past as excuses for everything including:
• The #1 excuse, why she's depressed and drinks a lot
• Starting arguments
• Trying to put people on guilt trips
• False accusations
etc....
She says the past is important because it makes us who we are and we can't change that. Ridiculous, there are many things that mold us into who we are. We can and do change who will become if the past has hurt us and we don't want do the same thing. I believe the past is in the past and should stay there. It is History! We shouldn't dwell on it and let it rule us, it's plain unhealthy. Learn from it yes, but only to the point of not making the same mistakes. My mom even gets my dad to sometimes go along with her rantings,unless it's about him of course.
But she refuses to let it go and it is irritating when she has to bring up something that happened years ago, sometimes 60+years. She has ranted at my dad, my brother, me and even the dead, her father esp... So I would recommend to not use the past as excuses for bad behavior, against your kids or anyone else for that matter. I have told both my parents to Let it GO! Change your direction and look to your future. I guess it's too hard for them. They feel they are too old and set in their ways. It's sad really.
May God bless your valiant efforts of raising your kids better than what you got. I believe I have done this too. I will never use the past to berate my children. It is damaging to them.
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