Another mother's day
 

Hey all! I'm having a rough day, and hope posting about it will give me some insight.

I'm feeling really awful about Mother's Day (it seems I'm not the only one). My AM called wanting to make plans with her mother and me, and I said "no", partly because I've been quite sick and partly because it sounds like a really bad idea (dynamics between the 3 of us, having to ride in a car/be "stuck" with AM, etc.) She was very upset, and had her usual response--angry/guilty emails and phone calls followed by some other "emergency" attempt to get my attention. I answered the phone when she called this morning (i know, I know...) and we had an "ignoring it" type conversation until she said "I''m waiting for you to say Happy Mother's Day". I was so angry! And didn't handle it especially well. I did say "Happy Mother's Day", but also "I have to go now" and my anger definitely came out a lot.

The truth is, I'm feeling really angry at her in general right now, not even about this situation, but about our relationship in general. Mother's Day has always been a sticky point. Even when I was a kid, she always felt sad and disappointed and not celebrated enough. And now, I feel so much resentment about the expectation that I will celebrate a holiday to honor the parenting of a woman who really, really, hurt me. But there's no kind way to say "I can't visit with you because I can't breathe thinking about being alone with you and I don't want to say Happy Mother's Day because every time I see a poster at a florist or jeweler I think about being in grade school and just praying that if I made a good enough card, you would be happy and wouldn't hurt me, and that makes me so angry it scares me."

But, I really want to be the best person I can be, and I want to be compassionate and kind, and that was so not it. I'm feeling guilty, and I think it's the combination of actual disappointment in my behavior in comparison to my own expectations and the same old guilt about not being able to make everyone happy, etc. Plus the guilt she's trying to make me feel. It's really hard to figure out what are my genuine expectations of myself, and what is just old patterns. To learn from the disappointment but "shut up" the guilt. Especially when I feel so angry, it's hard to think first and not just react.

I can see that she's really hurt. I know I can't expect to get it right every time, right away, but I still feel really upset with myself.

Did you hurt her, or did she hurt herself and now is experiencing the natural consequences of her own actions? Think long about that.

No, you can't get it right every time, because you are human and humans make mistakes and humans aren't perfect. Can you give yourself permission to be human? I sometimes have to say it out loud to myself. Hubby will come home and hear me muttering something like "I'm such an idiot! No. No! I'm NOT an idiot, I am human and humans make mistakes and I have the right to be human." Thankfully, he chimes in with me and tells me things like "If you were an idiot, you would have....(something that would have made things really really bad - or something that would have allowed my parents to control me).

I, too, really cringe when mother's day is coming up. I cringe at the commercials they run, I cringe at the sappiness. I would really like to meet an adult whose mother was anything like what they describe in the commercials. So I remind myself that the commercials are designed to sell stuff, by guilt, by fantasy, in whatever way they can. And just like the burger you get at McD's doesn't much resemble the perfect one they show in the ads (they never show the patty half off the bun with the cheese melted to the little box), no 'real' mother is going to resemble what they describe in the ads. She's the Lady of the Lake, a purely fictional character.

The real mothers out there, well, some are better than others. I adore my mother-in-law. When my life is stressful and I'm getting frustrated, I'll tell Hubby "I want your mommy." (not "my mommy", his) She was not a perfect parent, and he has a few scars, but overall, she's raised two very healthy children and she is a great tonic for my emotions. She also gives me hope - she came out of a rather dysfunctional family, and turned into a wonderful (not 'normal', but wonderful) adult. I can too.

I wish you strength to get through this day, and focus to stay centered on yourself and your needs. I'm trying to nurture those sentiments in myself as well.

You are not alone.

Repeat to yourself: family is not a license for abuse. Angry/guilty emails + phone calls are not excused just because it's Mother's Day.

And that could have been the end of it. Practice your boundaries, P&H. "I'm very sorry you feel this way, but that is how I feel. If you need some time to calm down, I'm willing to talk to you later." *hung up*

I hear unreasonable expectations...

That's an admirable goal, but why do you belive you have to prove this with your mother - a woman whom you admit has hurt you terribly? FWIW, I believe that I'm a kind, compassionate person, but put me in a room with my AF and that kind, compassionate person is emotionally pulled apart. IMHO the behaviors of alcoholic parents who have hurt their kids can remain incredibly strong triggers no matter how recovered/independent/successful the ACoA becomes. Your reaction to your AM is not a reflection of your virtue as a kind, compassionate person; it is a reflection of how much unresolved pain you feel as a result of her disrespectful behaviors. Ask any ACoA here. No ACoA wants to be judged by how they behave in the presence of their alcoholic parent(s).

What GingerM said. When an alcoholic is forced to face the consequences of their own actions, yes, their pain and confusion is generally profound. What has worked for them in the past suddenly has not worked for them now. I don't see how you're responsible for another person's reaction or how they choose to deal with it.

A big hear hear! from me on that one! (And a nice reminder to me today, when I needed it as well. Thank you.)

Dothi hit the nail on the head. You can control your actions, you can protect your own sanity. You cannot control your mother and you sure as h*** can't make her happy.

With any A it is a legitimate question to ask if they ever want to really be happy. Unhappiness = reason to drink.

Actually, this is the best thing you CAN do for her. Stop enabling her addictive behavior. The A has to realize that they are the source of their own pain.
Spring is a time of growth (flowers, fertility, planting new seeds). It sounds like your mom could use some growth - there is your mother's day gift.
Ok - that was a lame analogy but the best I can do while writing a test so ******g late at night.
:e136:

Year after year, I search the Hallmark section looking for something appropriate for a mother's day card. I never find one. All of them go on about "how wonderful it is to have a mother like you"

It isn't "wonderful" at all.
I tolerate her at best. She complains all the time non stop.
While she hasn't drank in 30 years, the behaviors have not changed.


This year I told her I had a card for her but lost it somehow. I really never had a card.

Now I know where I should have come here on the board for Mother's Day. Right now the relationship with my mother is completely void. We cannot have a conversation about what's going on in my life without her blaming my dad, my sister, me...........OVER IT!!!!

And if I do have a "normal" relationship with her, it's like I'm telling her "everything you did was ok." It's not.

I have to live today for me. I have had to look at some of my own behavior and it was hard to swallow the "I did what my mother did" pill. But I'm also not going to sit here and blame everyone else. I'm going to be responsible, what she does??? Well, she's going to continue doing what she does not matter what I do or say but I don't have to live with it any more. :)