Help dealing with covert disapproval/criticism
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Help dealing with covert disapproval/criticism
How does one respond, in a healthy adult and hopefully respectful way (to me and to the other person), to covert criticism/disapproval? The type that goes: "it's nice, but why didn't you buy this one instead?" I've lived with this constant type of underhanded disapproval from my mother all my life. I'm working on healing that relationship. I want to stop participating in the dysfunction dance. I know there has to be a better way than anger (my traditional response), or ignoring the question (my recent coping mechanism, but that doesn't feel right either). I just don't have an answer to that type of question, other than a blank stare and a "huh?" 
And I don't feel that as an adult I should have to constantly try to explain myself to her. I don't have the tools for this one yet and so any ideas/suggestions/experiences would be greatly appreciated.
Many thanks,
elena
And I don't feel that as an adult I should have to constantly try to explain myself to her. I don't have the tools for this one yet and so any ideas/suggestions/experiences would be greatly appreciated.Many thanks,
elena
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
well you could just answer the question "because i like this one better!". who gives a flip if they prefer something else, unless you are doing it for them. then the question is if you are doing it for them, did they ask you? if they didn't then you may have that codie prob of minding their business for them. otherwise, you are ok with what you like so stand up for why you like what you like.
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
There are some people who absolutely delight in seeing you down.
It's sad, but, some of them are family -- or call themselves family and friends!
But, the best antidote to that boorish behavior is first the recognition that it *is* boorish.
And then, living well dispite it.
Shalom!
It's sad, but, some of them are family -- or call themselves family and friends!
But, the best antidote to that boorish behavior is first the recognition that it *is* boorish.
And then, living well dispite it.
Shalom!
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"Because I like this one better." so simple and yet, it was hiding from me, thanks!
As I've continued to process this, I'm turning it around, using it as a barometer for my own behavior. After all, I learned how to be me from mom! And so I have to look at myself, maybe I also use veiled judgement/criticism. I know for a fact that I definitely have a hard time giving praise to her (withholding from mom: she doesn't, so I won't, so there! type of childish thinking). The more "consciously aware" I become of my own actions, and begin to embrace healthier adult behaviors, there is spillover, and "magic" begins to happen around me. Thanks for helping me process this!
As I've continued to process this, I'm turning it around, using it as a barometer for my own behavior. After all, I learned how to be me from mom! And so I have to look at myself, maybe I also use veiled judgement/criticism. I know for a fact that I definitely have a hard time giving praise to her (withholding from mom: she doesn't, so I won't, so there! type of childish thinking). The more "consciously aware" I become of my own actions, and begin to embrace healthier adult behaviors, there is spillover, and "magic" begins to happen around me. Thanks for helping me process this!
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Just wanted to chime in that my mother tends to do this as well. I've come to accept that she really is just trying to find a way to continue being useful in my life. She's not aware that it sounds like disapproval; it's more that she desperately does not want to be discarded now that I'm an adult independent from her. This could be true for your mom too (though I bet she's also modelling this behavior learned from her own parents).
Something that worked for my mom was to hear a friend with two daughters explicitly state that unless her children ask for her opinion, she doesn't give it. You could mirror this to your mom, e.g. "Look mom, I appreciate that you're trying to help, but in the future could you refrain from always giving your opinion? It makes me feel like I have to explain myself all the time." Also point out that you need to be treated with as much respect as a stranger (you know, you're from an alcoholic family when...) to whom she certainly would not constantly give her opinions.
You could even step it up a notch and reinforce it as a boundary (e.g. walking away when she insists on stating her opinion regardless). This is a valid boundary.
The other alternative is to just stop sharing with your mom (sucks, I know) and setting yourself up for these interactions. I do this to a certain extent with my own mom; I just don't tell her the details that I don't want to justify/defend. I don't ask her what she thinks about me traveling for a week; I inform her of when I'm going. This helps to focus her inevitable comments and skip the conversation about whether a trip is a good idea to begin with.
Hope this helps, elena.
Something that worked for my mom was to hear a friend with two daughters explicitly state that unless her children ask for her opinion, she doesn't give it. You could mirror this to your mom, e.g. "Look mom, I appreciate that you're trying to help, but in the future could you refrain from always giving your opinion? It makes me feel like I have to explain myself all the time." Also point out that you need to be treated with as much respect as a stranger (you know, you're from an alcoholic family when...) to whom she certainly would not constantly give her opinions.
You could even step it up a notch and reinforce it as a boundary (e.g. walking away when she insists on stating her opinion regardless). This is a valid boundary.
The other alternative is to just stop sharing with your mom (sucks, I know) and setting yourself up for these interactions. I do this to a certain extent with my own mom; I just don't tell her the details that I don't want to justify/defend. I don't ask her what she thinks about me traveling for a week; I inform her of when I'm going. This helps to focus her inevitable comments and skip the conversation about whether a trip is a good idea to begin with.
Hope this helps, elena.
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My family has always done that too (what's with these people???)
Their reasons range from honestly thinking I'd like something else better, to out-and-out being convinced that their way is the only good way. If you've ever done myers-briggs, those types are often the "S" types that don't have any intuition about what should/shouldn't be said.
I've tried a number of coping mechanisms: (using your original example)
"Hmm. Why do you think I'd like that better?" (noncommitally validating their opinion)
"I can see that's the one you'd probably prefer for yourself, and on you it would be awesome. But I'm drawn to this instead." (compliment plus redirection)
"I don't think that's right for me, but thanks for suggesting it." (firm rebuff)
"Nope. Thanks for your thoughts, but this is the one I want." (even firmer rebuff)
ALL OF THESE are followed by a swift change of subject wherever possible so there's no time for either one of us to get mad....especially me. My formula is: quick assertiveness, then move on. It's not worth any more calories than that, truly.
Depending on your mood du jour, and how strong you're feeling on a given day, pick one and give it a shot. It's worked pretty well so far -- there have been some hardcore pushy types in my family that don't do that any more!
Absolutely agree with Dothi too that limiting opportunities to do this - I know you have a sense of when it's likely to come up - is a good idea. Certain groups (ethnic, etc.) are just very opinionated and there's no changing that. Avoidance will give you more peace of mind.
Their reasons range from honestly thinking I'd like something else better, to out-and-out being convinced that their way is the only good way. If you've ever done myers-briggs, those types are often the "S" types that don't have any intuition about what should/shouldn't be said.
I've tried a number of coping mechanisms: (using your original example)
"Hmm. Why do you think I'd like that better?" (noncommitally validating their opinion)
"I can see that's the one you'd probably prefer for yourself, and on you it would be awesome. But I'm drawn to this instead." (compliment plus redirection)
"I don't think that's right for me, but thanks for suggesting it." (firm rebuff)
"Nope. Thanks for your thoughts, but this is the one I want." (even firmer rebuff)
ALL OF THESE are followed by a swift change of subject wherever possible so there's no time for either one of us to get mad....especially me. My formula is: quick assertiveness, then move on. It's not worth any more calories than that, truly.
Depending on your mood du jour, and how strong you're feeling on a given day, pick one and give it a shot. It's worked pretty well so far -- there have been some hardcore pushy types in my family that don't do that any more!
Absolutely agree with Dothi too that limiting opportunities to do this - I know you have a sense of when it's likely to come up - is a good idea. Certain groups (ethnic, etc.) are just very opinionated and there's no changing that. Avoidance will give you more peace of mind.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
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I'll add to GiveLove's list of polite and respectful (even if rebuffing) ways of dealing with these "helpful" types of folks:
"I appreciate the input. I do think I like this one better though." (nice way of saying "thanks, but no thanks")
My favorite, and the one I use the majority of the time, and works very well with extremely pushy people:
"Hmmm, that's certainly something to think about." I like this one because it acknowledges that they said something (better than ignoring), they hear it as approval which makes them stop badgering me, and I have made no commitment to either following or not following their 'suggestion'. In other words, it's a non-answer that makes them stop. If they do continue, I just repeat "Yup, that's something to think about" until they stop harassing me. Even the most tenacious bully (that's the way I perceive this behavior - bullying me into doing something I don't want to do) has never made me repeat "yup, that's something to think about also" more than 4 times after the initial "that's certainly something to think about". With this approach, patience pays off - keep the tone of voice neutral, and make it sound like you really would think about it. They're satisfied, you get relief, it usually takes less than 30 seconds to get them to stop.
Did I mention that this is my favorite
I've gotten a lot of mileage out of it, too. Some people don't even realize that they're doing this. My sister and I both use the "certainly something to think about" phrase - one summer she was visiting and was giving me "advice" on where to move a lilac tree. I'd told her where we'd decided to move it, but she just wouldn't let up on other places we could move it to, no matter how many times I flat out said "the decision's already been made, it's not open for discussion". Finally, hubby stepped up and said in a terse tone of voice "That's certainly something to think about." My sister turned beet red and apologized profusely. She hadn't realized what she was doing. Yay for modeled behaviors ><
"I appreciate the input. I do think I like this one better though." (nice way of saying "thanks, but no thanks")
My favorite, and the one I use the majority of the time, and works very well with extremely pushy people:
"Hmmm, that's certainly something to think about." I like this one because it acknowledges that they said something (better than ignoring), they hear it as approval which makes them stop badgering me, and I have made no commitment to either following or not following their 'suggestion'. In other words, it's a non-answer that makes them stop. If they do continue, I just repeat "Yup, that's something to think about" until they stop harassing me. Even the most tenacious bully (that's the way I perceive this behavior - bullying me into doing something I don't want to do) has never made me repeat "yup, that's something to think about also" more than 4 times after the initial "that's certainly something to think about". With this approach, patience pays off - keep the tone of voice neutral, and make it sound like you really would think about it. They're satisfied, you get relief, it usually takes less than 30 seconds to get them to stop.
Did I mention that this is my favorite
I've gotten a lot of mileage out of it, too. Some people don't even realize that they're doing this. My sister and I both use the "certainly something to think about" phrase - one summer she was visiting and was giving me "advice" on where to move a lilac tree. I'd told her where we'd decided to move it, but she just wouldn't let up on other places we could move it to, no matter how many times I flat out said "the decision's already been made, it's not open for discussion". Finally, hubby stepped up and said in a terse tone of voice "That's certainly something to think about." My sister turned beet red and apologized profusely. She hadn't realized what she was doing. Yay for modeled behaviors ><
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