Recovery in Difficult
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 177
Recovery in Difficult
I've been in Alanon for about 4 years. I started seeing reality and it scared me so bad that I stopped going to meetings. I pictured my family as a little screwed up but just good people. That is NOT what I started seeing after a few years into recovery. Things started changing and I noticed a lot of people projecting things on me that were not true. It was so scarey that I just wanted to pack up and move away.
My grandmother plays a martyr and I finally stopped participating with her. Whenever I wouldn't go "rescue" her after she enabled, whined, cried she wound up in the hospital. She's been in the hospital 20 times in the last year. Then, my whole family looks at me like I am being mean by bowing out of the whole thing. It's a miserable dance and I can't focus on my own stuff if I continue. This has been going on for years. It took me 4 years into recovery to discover that I didn't even know what I was feeling, what would make me happy, and learning to be healthier. I must have also tuned out all the negative messages until I started to recover. Then, it was like walking into hell. I never really noticed the constant putdowns that went on in my family. If I did hear a putdown, I would never allow myself to feel how painful it really was. My sponsor has not been very helpful. It's like she thinks I am a certain way when I am not. It is so weird. I feel like I am trapped and I can't get away from my family. My friends are starting to not look and feel like my friends anymore. Has anyone else experienced this?
My grandmother plays a martyr and I finally stopped participating with her. Whenever I wouldn't go "rescue" her after she enabled, whined, cried she wound up in the hospital. She's been in the hospital 20 times in the last year. Then, my whole family looks at me like I am being mean by bowing out of the whole thing. It's a miserable dance and I can't focus on my own stuff if I continue. This has been going on for years. It took me 4 years into recovery to discover that I didn't even know what I was feeling, what would make me happy, and learning to be healthier. I must have also tuned out all the negative messages until I started to recover. Then, it was like walking into hell. I never really noticed the constant putdowns that went on in my family. If I did hear a putdown, I would never allow myself to feel how painful it really was. My sponsor has not been very helpful. It's like she thinks I am a certain way when I am not. It is so weird. I feel like I am trapped and I can't get away from my family. My friends are starting to not look and feel like my friends anymore. Has anyone else experienced this?
Misanthrope
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Indianapolis, Indiana
Posts: 92
Same thing has happened to me, I just want to leave my family behind me entirely. I've also started a clean slate pretty much as far as friendships...people just don't understand. I know this isn't comforting for you to hear, but i'm sure someday we'll both find new friends and have better lives because we stepped away from our sick families.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I HAD to put some distance between me and my toxic family.
It was hard to come to that decision, but I had to do it.
And I've been a thousand times happier without all of their drama, sickness, and dependence. I doubt I would've survived this long if I hadn't wrenched myself away, with the help of individual counseling.
Sometimes we keep OURSELVES tied to them, because of our old habits, and then we repeat our old habits over and over, and get sicker and sicker, and it's a cycle of dependency that goes round and round and round. Breaking out of that loop might be necessary if you're going to finally be happy, worthyoflove.
What's keeping you in this toxic soup? There is a whole world, and you own it. Can you try somewhere different?
It was hard to come to that decision, but I had to do it.
And I've been a thousand times happier without all of their drama, sickness, and dependence. I doubt I would've survived this long if I hadn't wrenched myself away, with the help of individual counseling.
Sometimes we keep OURSELVES tied to them, because of our old habits, and then we repeat our old habits over and over, and get sicker and sicker, and it's a cycle of dependency that goes round and round and round. Breaking out of that loop might be necessary if you're going to finally be happy, worthyoflove.
What's keeping you in this toxic soup? There is a whole world, and you own it. Can you try somewhere different?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hey worthy, this was my experience as well. Once I could see the hostility in my family's interactions, it was impossible to tolerate. This is largely due to how much pressure there is on you to remain part of this dynamic.
Once the ACOA goggles were off, I also needed distance. This was really hard. A lot of people did accuse me of running away from my problems. My AF definitely escalated his behavior, coming uninvited on weekend visits intended for me and my mom, feeding my mom and sister with ideas as to how much I was going to struggle if I moved away, and finally drinking himself infantile at my going-away bar-b-que. He would have played the, "I'm dying" card, except that excuse sort of lost its shine after he outlived the two-year life expectancy that the doctor gave him after removing a lung tumour (drinking and smoking heavily regularly all the way through it). This behavior amped up for about a year prior to my actual departure. It only confirmed for me what a healthy choice I was making in gaining distance.
Whether you decide to put some distance there or not, your family will pick up on and react to your steps to recovery. Some family members may not be ready to face their denial. Other family members might say nothing and just watch while you model healthy behavior. Things will feel unsettled through the first phase of your recovery because it involves real changes - changes that affect definitions of acceptable for everybody. Don't let that dissuade you.
IMO the best analogy is that it's a lot like setting a broken arm. Snapping the bone back into the right place may hurt so much it feels wrong in the moment, but the healthy recovery will feel more right than anything you've ever experienced before. You'll just know in your gut that you're getting healthy.
Once the ACOA goggles were off, I also needed distance. This was really hard. A lot of people did accuse me of running away from my problems. My AF definitely escalated his behavior, coming uninvited on weekend visits intended for me and my mom, feeding my mom and sister with ideas as to how much I was going to struggle if I moved away, and finally drinking himself infantile at my going-away bar-b-que. He would have played the, "I'm dying" card, except that excuse sort of lost its shine after he outlived the two-year life expectancy that the doctor gave him after removing a lung tumour (drinking and smoking heavily regularly all the way through it). This behavior amped up for about a year prior to my actual departure. It only confirmed for me what a healthy choice I was making in gaining distance.
Whether you decide to put some distance there or not, your family will pick up on and react to your steps to recovery. Some family members may not be ready to face their denial. Other family members might say nothing and just watch while you model healthy behavior. Things will feel unsettled through the first phase of your recovery because it involves real changes - changes that affect definitions of acceptable for everybody. Don't let that dissuade you.
IMO the best analogy is that it's a lot like setting a broken arm. Snapping the bone back into the right place may hurt so much it feels wrong in the moment, but the healthy recovery will feel more right than anything you've ever experienced before. You'll just know in your gut that you're getting healthy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
my parents (especially my dad) are poison to me.
a few years ago i distanced myself from them. i went to live alone and i was genuinly making progress.
then i got into some financial troubles and then all at the same time my parents stopped helping me finalcially; my relationship with my gf ended; i started drinking and drugging and gambling again; etc ect.
i'm now working for my dad (i had to get a job otherwise i'd be out in the street and/or in jail by now. and, not having any qualifications, would make it a bit difficult to get a job elsewhere) and i'm having to live with him. and he causes me so much stress or something (i don't know, it's just the way he is. we're just not compatible) that he makes me want to hurt myself.
since i've started working/living with my dad again my self-esteem has totally vanished and i've resumed gambling and smoking cigarettes. and it probably won't be too long before i start drinking again.
so i htink i'm going to just have to **** the job and get away again befroe he makes me undo all the good i've done in the past couple of years while i've been trying to straighten my ******* life.
a few years ago i distanced myself from them. i went to live alone and i was genuinly making progress.
then i got into some financial troubles and then all at the same time my parents stopped helping me finalcially; my relationship with my gf ended; i started drinking and drugging and gambling again; etc ect.
i'm now working for my dad (i had to get a job otherwise i'd be out in the street and/or in jail by now. and, not having any qualifications, would make it a bit difficult to get a job elsewhere) and i'm having to live with him. and he causes me so much stress or something (i don't know, it's just the way he is. we're just not compatible) that he makes me want to hurt myself.
since i've started working/living with my dad again my self-esteem has totally vanished and i've resumed gambling and smoking cigarettes. and it probably won't be too long before i start drinking again.
so i htink i'm going to just have to **** the job and get away again befroe he makes me undo all the good i've done in the past couple of years while i've been trying to straighten my ******* life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Hi WOL
I can relate so much to your post. I love Dothi's quote "When the ACOA goggles come off" - yip my own ACOA goggles are well and truly off too.
For 44 years, my method of coping was denial, ignoring and controlled contact with my alcoholic family. I too thought my family was a "little screwed up but basically good people". That may still be true (I always felt that other people got the best of my family) BUT MY RELATIONSHIP with them was toxic, unhealthy and making me ill.
Like GL, I too got to the point where I HAD to put distance between us, I got to the point where I couldn't cope / endure them any more. The putdowns and emotional barbs were cutting me to the core with increasing severity.
I can relate to your point about tuning out all the negative messages until you start to recover. In fact, I have just made a post about the power of the dysfunctional parents voice. Maybe what I am trying to get my head around is that as I am recovering and getting healthier what I am doing is for the first time in my life is actively hearing the negative messages of my mother and brother instead of denying and tuning them out. What's happening to me is that I'm hearing and revisiting all their negative messages, spoken and unspoken, from my past.
A big thankyou is flying your way WOL, another piece of the jigsaw is falling into place, IWTHxxx
PS I believe that as we heal more and more we will move on and away from our families, that feeling of being trapped by them will lessen and lessen.
I can relate so much to your post. I love Dothi's quote "When the ACOA goggles come off" - yip my own ACOA goggles are well and truly off too.
For 44 years, my method of coping was denial, ignoring and controlled contact with my alcoholic family. I too thought my family was a "little screwed up but basically good people". That may still be true (I always felt that other people got the best of my family) BUT MY RELATIONSHIP with them was toxic, unhealthy and making me ill.
Like GL, I too got to the point where I HAD to put distance between us, I got to the point where I couldn't cope / endure them any more. The putdowns and emotional barbs were cutting me to the core with increasing severity.
I can relate to your point about tuning out all the negative messages until you start to recover. In fact, I have just made a post about the power of the dysfunctional parents voice. Maybe what I am trying to get my head around is that as I am recovering and getting healthier what I am doing is for the first time in my life is actively hearing the negative messages of my mother and brother instead of denying and tuning them out. What's happening to me is that I'm hearing and revisiting all their negative messages, spoken and unspoken, from my past.
A big thankyou is flying your way WOL, another piece of the jigsaw is falling into place, IWTHxxx
PS I believe that as we heal more and more we will move on and away from our families, that feeling of being trapped by them will lessen and lessen.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Georgia (the state, not the country!)
Posts: 108
WOL, only you can make the decision on whether to cut yourself off from your family. I'm still grappling with it myself. Do I want the surface, shallow, small-talk relationship with my dad? Am I willing to settle for that? I think I am, for now. My real problem is codie mom -- trying to detach myself from enmeshment with her. It's going OK so far, but I can *smell* the blowup coming at some point. I'm sure you all know what I mean.
I had previously thought it out of the question to cut myself off from her (they're divorced so this is a bit easier), but now ... it's no longer out of the question. I'm not sure I'm ready to face that, nor do I think it's a must at this point, but it's definitely within the realm of possibility.
Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to process all this. It's a big decision. But it does sound, from here, like life away from your family's drama might be a bit more peaceful. My suggestion would be continuing to create distance for now and reserving "no contact" as an option.
Hugs.
I had previously thought it out of the question to cut myself off from her (they're divorced so this is a bit easier), but now ... it's no longer out of the question. I'm not sure I'm ready to face that, nor do I think it's a must at this point, but it's definitely within the realm of possibility.
Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to process all this. It's a big decision. But it does sound, from here, like life away from your family's drama might be a bit more peaceful. My suggestion would be continuing to create distance for now and reserving "no contact" as an option.
Hugs.
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