The hard part
 

Hi all,
I used to post here about a year ago or so when I first realized I was an adult-child & how it had been affecting me, etc...
I haven't posted in a while, and my recovery process has been up & down...down right now it seems.
I am really stuck right now between wanting to just live happily in denial vs. going through the HARD part of recovery--the grieving, depressive stage where I get to feel all those suppressed feelings. I know I have to go there if I want to heal, right? I am just so scared that "going there" is going to = a complete break down for me, and I can not afford for my life to fall apart right now (or ever! lol). (I am just finishing a one year accelerated grad school program right now...which is also "stirring up" all my emotions and issues, as I am writing my thesis on the experience of recovery for adult-children...)
Anyways, I am also realizing, maybe I'm just not that convinced that "going there"--to that sad place--will be worth it in the end. Will I feel that much better? Sometimes I think living in denial with the other "sheep" would be so nice, haha...but I know I am not that person. Ugh...I could use some encouragement....advice...whatever, lol. Is that that bad? Will I feel better coming out the other end??
Thanks for listening
:Val004:
Steph

First of all, I want to say that I think it's great that you're in an accelerated grad program. Writing a thesis on adult-children must be pretty tough. Did you choose it? Anyway, it sounds like I'm in about the same stage of recovery as you, so I don't know how much advice I can give, but maybe it'll be encouraging to hear from someone else?

Like you, I started facing ACoA issues about a year ago and have been going up and down. It wasn't until this January when I actually sought out counseling. I'm pretty sure I hit an emotional bottom for an entire weekend two months ago. I couldn't stop crying and I've never felt so horrible in my entire life to be honest. I don't know whether everyone hits this place, but I know that I did. For me, it was a realization that this was my life, that this happened to me. I'd played a part for so d**n long, and I realized that it was me crying on that bed watching my mother walk away from me when I asked for help, not some fictional character. I was emotionally detached from that situation I described and from others (probably still). I couldn't stop crying for three days and I've never felt so horrible in my entire life to be honest. It was enlightening and rather sad because as I went through this, I realized that my bad habits of isolating myself came into play. I was in a terrible state, and I hid it so well from my roommate that she never could have guessed. And how sad, to be in that much pain and not to even tell her that I was in a "bad mood". I realized soon after that for the first time I wanted to change that.

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, it wasn't the end of the world and it didn't ruin my life. Sure, I missed one class and called in sick from work (things I rarely do normally) but life went on. It sounds like you're a very determined and hard-working person. I am too but realized that I couldn't take the easy way out and just fake it anymore. As for the happy ending part, I'm still working on it. However, for instance, I'm considering the idea of for once in my life talking about my feelings and emotions. Haven't gotten there yet or really had someone there for me yet, but I never used to have that desire or courage and I feel like I do now.

Meant to say this earlier. I don't know about you, but my life was falling apart slowly, in small amounts, and had been for years before I sought recovery. Granted, it wasn't in large bouts or life-changing experiences, but rather in little ways which have in turn played a huge part in what my life is today. So instead of being co-dependent, seeking isolation, being angry/irritable, overreacting, taking myself SO seriously, I decided to go through the pain because I realized that all of those characteristics would continue to haunt me if I didn't take any action.

Hi Steph, glad to have you back

I don't know what your experience will be, but I can say this from my own life:
there is nothing of which I'm prouder than the hard work I've done on facing my adult-child issues.

When I began the dark and difficult work of "the hard part" I was a self-critical, drama-queen, kneejerk-reaction person perpetually in crisis, going from one bad relationship to another, and always with an underlying drone of unhappiness and anxiety.

After coming through it to the other side, I am not only one of the happiest and most resilient people I know, but I have a great marriage that nourishes my life, I'm self-employed doing work I love, and my day begins, crests, and ends with an inner feeling of possibility, hope, and strength. I am not the same person at all. People from the early part of my life -- in your city there, in fact -- don't recognize me as the same dark, troubled person they knew.

The work is hard, make no mistake. You'll have to continue to call on strength you didn't know you had, and develop more of it to get you through. I had to try lots of things to find the right combination of healing arts along the way: counseling, coaching, self-help reading, journal therapy, poetry therapy, exercise, career guidance, meditation, spiritual training, helping others.

But there has been no greater journey I could've taken.

I hope you can find the path to a similar experience. You are such a smart, compassionate woman (I remember your story) -- I know you can do this and come out the other side a strong, confident, joyful person.

Hi Layla,

The recovery process will be up and down, so don't let yourself think you're failing if you're in a down spot right now. That is only human and natural as you work through the issues. Everyone will have ups and downs in recovery.

I think the "scared of having a break down" if you go to this hard place is your fear of not being in control of your feelings. I've read that ACoA fear anger, for example, because they worry how out of control they would get. It's hard to process a feeling if you haven't learned how to deal with it properly.

The hard place isn't forever, and it may not be as hard as you think it will or it may be. But it isn't forever, and then you can go through the emotions that you need and come out on the other side. I think it can make things better in the end.

I too lived in denial, didn't want to deal with it, didn't want to acknowledge how an alcoholic parent affected me, but it set me up for unhealthy decisions. I wanted to make healthy decisions for my future, no more repeating mistakes (which by the way we will all repeat mistakes be we recover much more quickly or get out), and it required doing the work we all have to do. Yes things are much more healthy for me.

Good luck to you!

I can't add much too the great advice you have already gotten, except to say that denial is never a good option. It just kicks the problem further down the road, when it might become a bigger problem.

I think a lot of people here would never agree with the statement:
"I wish I had dealt with my problems later."

You have support and that is important. You are stronger than you know.

A spiritual journey is always worth the effort.

It takes patience, willingness , belief ,determination and change.

Choose a good mentor or two.

Thanks for responding everyone (and sorry I'm slow to get back!)
I read these posts earlier, and I have kind of been "processing" everything that was said here over the last few days...the support has meant a lot & the advice has really sunk-in....

dolce7dolore: Thank you for sharing your experience...and especially the part about "life falling apart anyways."--That is a good point. I wouldn't be here asking this question if I wasn't in distress as it is. (And yes I chose the thesis topic. This school teaches humanistic psychology, and our theses are typically qualitative & heuristic--seeking to understand something more in-depth through examining personal experiences as well as the experiences of others).

Givelove- Thank you for sharing your story too--along with inspiration, encouragement and clarity. I am honored that you remember my story...and believe in me. That means a lot.

Sienna--Thank you for sharing & reminding me ups/downs are normal...and the 'hard part' isn't permanent.

Grewupinabarn: Also, thank you for sharing. I loved what you said about, "most people would never agree with this statement..." THAT really stuck with me. Also about being stronger than I know...I have to remind myself of that often, and look @ what I've been thru & how far I've come. I rarely give myself real credit for these things.

Spiritualthinker: Thank you too--another great reminder to me...many, actually.

Thank you everyone....I think I will try to be here more often.
Much love,
Steph :Val004: