Lying......
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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Lying......
One of the biggest things that is way in my face is the fact that I will often lie when it would have been just as easy to tell the truth. Or I lie to cover a old lie... I'm trying very hard to be a better person and being a lier is not what I picture as a healthier me.
Have any of you had to deal with this.....
and changed it???
What did you do to brake the cycle of dishonesty??
Thanks
Be Well
Have any of you had to deal with this.....
and changed it???
What did you do to brake the cycle of dishonesty??
Thanks
Be Well
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CO
Posts: 72
I haven't really faced much of the lying part... I'm in the very early stages of recovery.
For me, telling the truth varies. It's weird because for instance my boss asked us all if we were doing something we need to do but usually forget. I was very blunt and honestly told her no. It was cool because she respected that... anyway.
There are other times when I just lie for absolutely no reason. Sometimes, even before I found out it was one of those "normal" things for ACoAs, I would wonder why in the world I had just told that lie. Sometimes it will be something so simple as telling someone I have to be somewhere at an earlier time than what is real. I've noticed that I lie a lot in small talk because I somehow feel guilty about something and I'm trying to cover it. Most of the time it's random.
I don't really know if I have any advice for you. Hopefully it helps to know that you're not alone in this aspect. I think though, the very fact that we know this is a problem can help for us to change this.
For me, telling the truth varies. It's weird because for instance my boss asked us all if we were doing something we need to do but usually forget. I was very blunt and honestly told her no. It was cool because she respected that... anyway.
There are other times when I just lie for absolutely no reason. Sometimes, even before I found out it was one of those "normal" things for ACoAs, I would wonder why in the world I had just told that lie. Sometimes it will be something so simple as telling someone I have to be somewhere at an earlier time than what is real. I've noticed that I lie a lot in small talk because I somehow feel guilty about something and I'm trying to cover it. Most of the time it's random.
I don't really know if I have any advice for you. Hopefully it helps to know that you're not alone in this aspect. I think though, the very fact that we know this is a problem can help for us to change this.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Realize that the truth is not your fault.
I hear what you're saying and how this can be a TREMENDOUS problem in relationships and at work. It's a tough cycle to break out of because, as young children, ACOAs are used to blaming themselves when a parent is angry (what else makes sense right? especially when mom rages at you because you happened to answer the phone and relay the message that dad is binging another night away).
We are too used to providing explanations for things we have no control over, yet we got punished for. Thus the lying becomes compulsive because you never knew whether what you had to say was going to earn indifference or wrath. How were you supposed know, when the rules were always changing?
Shame is also a big player here. I think we're tempted to lie because we're afraid of being ashamed by the answer (or person receiving the answer, rather). Because somehow the answer was our fault when it didn't suit the parent. When we were honest as kids and got punished for it, we learned very quickly to be ashamed of what we had to say - even the truth as we saw it. Really, how tragic is that? Would you ever tell a child to be ashamed of communicating openly? Would you teach them to avoid honesty and hide their feelings? That this is how adult relationships work? (If your answer is yes, then we have a much bigger problem here...
but I just want to point out how ridiculous and unreasonable these expectations are.)
Know this: you're not in that place anymore, Kendra. You aren't around people (i.e. your parents) who are going to blame YOU when the truth hurts. And if they do blame you, you have a voice now to say, "hold on a minute, how does that add up like that?"
If people do blame you and trigger that deep shameful feeling, f*** 'em if they can't take a joke and roll with the punches. That's life. It's full of disappointments and surprises. Accept that sometimes people are going to be upset and snap carelessly, but that's not your fault. It's not your job to control their reaction; it is your job to stand up for yourself though - and this gets much easier when you choose to rely on honesty.
I hear what you're saying and how this can be a TREMENDOUS problem in relationships and at work. It's a tough cycle to break out of because, as young children, ACOAs are used to blaming themselves when a parent is angry (what else makes sense right? especially when mom rages at you because you happened to answer the phone and relay the message that dad is binging another night away).
We are too used to providing explanations for things we have no control over, yet we got punished for. Thus the lying becomes compulsive because you never knew whether what you had to say was going to earn indifference or wrath. How were you supposed know, when the rules were always changing?
Shame is also a big player here. I think we're tempted to lie because we're afraid of being ashamed by the answer (or person receiving the answer, rather). Because somehow the answer was our fault when it didn't suit the parent. When we were honest as kids and got punished for it, we learned very quickly to be ashamed of what we had to say - even the truth as we saw it. Really, how tragic is that? Would you ever tell a child to be ashamed of communicating openly? Would you teach them to avoid honesty and hide their feelings? That this is how adult relationships work? (If your answer is yes, then we have a much bigger problem here...
but I just want to point out how ridiculous and unreasonable these expectations are.)Know this: you're not in that place anymore, Kendra. You aren't around people (i.e. your parents) who are going to blame YOU when the truth hurts. And if they do blame you, you have a voice now to say, "hold on a minute, how does that add up like that?"
If people do blame you and trigger that deep shameful feeling, f*** 'em if they can't take a joke and roll with the punches. That's life. It's full of disappointments and surprises. Accept that sometimes people are going to be upset and snap carelessly, but that's not your fault. It's not your job to control their reaction; it is your job to stand up for yourself though - and this gets much easier when you choose to rely on honesty.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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Shame is also a big player here. I think we're tempted to lie because we're afraid of being ashamed by the answer (or person receiving the answer, rather).
That statement is so me a lot of the time. I am very new to realizing I have ACoA issues. I don't think I have a grip on how many short comings I truly have picked up along the way. There is so much of my childhood I don't yet remember. There is a lot I remember about things I DID in my young teenage years... I'm just starting to understand that some things were done to me... Does this make since?
Lying has kept ppl at a distance... A form of protection... Well it simply is not working anymore... and is standing in the way of my recovery.
My sponcer told me years ago that when I lie... tell that person right then and then tell the truth or just don't say anything... But don't lie. I was not ready for that kind of honesty yet but she did plant the seed.
I think I also lie due to the lack of healthy boundries. (can't even spell it
) I don't want to talk about something so instead of saying that I will just roll out the lie.
Not only am I aware of my own dishonesty but I'm either projecting it on others or I'm starting to see others dishonesty too. I feel like I'm going crazy. :crazy
My action Today is if I lie about WHATEVER I will tell that person right then. I think the idea of that is.... I'm going to get tiered of being embariest. SP??
That statement is so me a lot of the time. I am very new to realizing I have ACoA issues. I don't think I have a grip on how many short comings I truly have picked up along the way. There is so much of my childhood I don't yet remember. There is a lot I remember about things I DID in my young teenage years... I'm just starting to understand that some things were done to me... Does this make since?
Lying has kept ppl at a distance... A form of protection... Well it simply is not working anymore... and is standing in the way of my recovery.
My sponcer told me years ago that when I lie... tell that person right then and then tell the truth or just don't say anything... But don't lie. I was not ready for that kind of honesty yet but she did plant the seed.
I think I also lie due to the lack of healthy boundries. (can't even spell it
) I don't want to talk about something so instead of saying that I will just roll out the lie.Not only am I aware of my own dishonesty but I'm either projecting it on others or I'm starting to see others dishonesty too. I feel like I'm going crazy. :crazy
My action Today is if I lie about WHATEVER I will tell that person right then. I think the idea of that is.... I'm going to get tiered of being embariest. SP??
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
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There is so much of my childhood I don't yet remember.
Lying has kept ppl at a distance... A form of protection... Well it simply is not working anymore... and is standing in the way of my recovery.
when I lie... tell that person right then and then tell the truth or just don't say anything... But don't lie.
Not only am I aware of my own dishonesty but I'm either projecting it on others or I'm starting to see others dishonesty too. I feel like I'm going crazy.
Dothi hit it right on the head. We all grew up in an environment where telling the truth was difficult, and often it was hard to know what the truth was because there was so much lying going on. And we got great training in giving out white lies, half-truths, omitted truth, exaggeration, denial, and evasion, so it just becomes part of our way of communicating (or not).
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I was a compulsive liar for many years when I was younger, about big things and small, and most of it was rooted in shame.
As I became more self-aware, and grew as a person, and as my self-esteem grew, I found that I lied less and less.
I think it's a GREAT plan to make yourself come clean immediately following a lie. That is a great first step....if you can catch yourself within a minute or two. The next step may be to catch yourself AS you're saying it, as in "......oh, sh*t, that's not really true when I think about it." And the step after that is to speak slowly and make sure you're telling the truth each time...count to three and really THINK before you respond to anything.
It took me many years, but I can now say that, except for the occasional white lie to the telemarketers, I tell the truth exclusively. And in fact, when I feel the urge to lie, I get a wave of self-revulsion that reminds me I'm better than that.
Wishing you luck in your growth, Kendra. Keep working at this and little by little you will become the person you really want to be.
:ghug3
As I became more self-aware, and grew as a person, and as my self-esteem grew, I found that I lied less and less.
I think it's a GREAT plan to make yourself come clean immediately following a lie. That is a great first step....if you can catch yourself within a minute or two. The next step may be to catch yourself AS you're saying it, as in "......oh, sh*t, that's not really true when I think about it." And the step after that is to speak slowly and make sure you're telling the truth each time...count to three and really THINK before you respond to anything.
It took me many years, but I can now say that, except for the occasional white lie to the telemarketers, I tell the truth exclusively. And in fact, when I feel the urge to lie, I get a wave of self-revulsion that reminds me I'm better than that.
Wishing you luck in your growth, Kendra. Keep working at this and little by little you will become the person you really want to be.
:ghug3
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I, too, was a compulsive liar. One day, out of the blue, I realized how much energy I was spending in trying to keep track of all the lies and the lies told to cover the lies. At the same time, I realized that it takes far more strength to tell the truth than it does to create a plausible lie. Suddenly I felt like I was working very hard at being weak.
That was when it changed. I'm not sure what brought about that realization, but I let go of the lying. I was tired of putting forth so much effort and I knew that, with everything else I had survived, I *was* strong enough to tell the truth.
From that realization forward, I let go of the lies. I didn't both telling my partner at the time that I'd made this realization, nor did I tell him everything I'd ever lied to him about. If he brought up something that I had previously not been truthful about, then I was honest with him and told him that I didn't know why I needed to do it then, but I couldn't tell him the truth then. I went on to tell him the truth. Honestly, I couldn't remember all the lies I'd told, so I couldn't just sit down with a list and tell him everything I'd lied to him about in the past.
I still occasionally lie about things, but only if it's what I call a "temporal lie" - this is a lie that does not carry forward in time. Something like someone calls me and I really don't have the energy to talk with them at that moment - I'll tell them I'm busy (which I'm not) but that I'll call them back in a few hours or next week or whatever. This lie doesn't perpetuate itself into the future, it only lasts for a short amount of time. And I never do this unless I really need to do so for my own benefit and the concern for the feelings of the other person. Most folks don't want to hear "I don't have the energy to deal with you right now", but have no problems with "I'm busy, can I call you back tomorrow?"
That was when it changed. I'm not sure what brought about that realization, but I let go of the lying. I was tired of putting forth so much effort and I knew that, with everything else I had survived, I *was* strong enough to tell the truth.
From that realization forward, I let go of the lies. I didn't both telling my partner at the time that I'd made this realization, nor did I tell him everything I'd ever lied to him about. If he brought up something that I had previously not been truthful about, then I was honest with him and told him that I didn't know why I needed to do it then, but I couldn't tell him the truth then. I went on to tell him the truth. Honestly, I couldn't remember all the lies I'd told, so I couldn't just sit down with a list and tell him everything I'd lied to him about in the past.
I still occasionally lie about things, but only if it's what I call a "temporal lie" - this is a lie that does not carry forward in time. Something like someone calls me and I really don't have the energy to talk with them at that moment - I'll tell them I'm busy (which I'm not) but that I'll call them back in a few hours or next week or whatever. This lie doesn't perpetuate itself into the future, it only lasts for a short amount of time. And I never do this unless I really need to do so for my own benefit and the concern for the feelings of the other person. Most folks don't want to hear "I don't have the energy to deal with you right now", but have no problems with "I'm busy, can I call you back tomorrow?"
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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I too did the little lies. It is so easy. But you have to stop and think "What am I getting out of this lie?"
Sometimes it's fear of being found out.
Sometimes it's to tip toe around someone else's anger.
Try to find the REASON for the lying, then go from there to see if it's logical or not.
Sometimes it's fear of being found out.
Sometimes it's to tip toe around someone else's anger.
Try to find the REASON for the lying, then go from there to see if it's logical or not.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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I thought this was an ACOA trait that didn't affect me...until recently. I tend to do it to make people like me. I lie that I have a prior engagement when I don't want to tell someone 'No', pretend to like things I actually don't and I lie about my life (if I'm dating anyoen, how much therapy I actually have, how I cope financially etc) so that I don't have to face any criticism, even if it's constructive. I thought I was doing it to protect other people's and my own feelings so didn't see them as lies, but now I realise it isn't healthy for me so I'm working on my assertiveness. It's isn't going all that well lol
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Well Kendra, I'm thinking if your aware of your lying, and you want to be a better person and change, then I suggest that you should think hard, before you answer a question, or start a story. If your aware that you lie, then that's a big step in the right direction already. Being concious of your lying, shows that your aware of your problem. So I think that little by little, you will just start to tell the truth. If that's what you really want. And if you don't want to say anything, that's fine too. You very rarely get into trouble for keeping your mouth shut. Good Luck. Seems to me your on the right path. Honesty is the best policy. Nobody likes a liar. It will destroy trust, and any chance for having good relationships. Your on your way to a great and honest life. Peace 
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Originally Posted by GingerM 
I didn't both telling my partner at the time that I'd made this realization, nor did I tell him everything I'd ever lied to him about. If he brought up something that I had previously not been truthful about, then I was honest with him and told him that I didn't know why I needed to do it then, but I couldn't tell him the truth then. I went on to tell him the truth. Honestly, I couldn't remember all the lies I'd told, so I couldn't just sit down with a list and tell him everything I'd lied to him about in the past.
My lying issue has been a tough pill to swallow and I am starting to see where and why I even started down this road... I can honestly say that I have not found it necessary to lie the last few days.
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Originally Posted by KendraOH
Assertiveness??? What is that? 
I'm so not even there YET...
I'm so not even there YET...T
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Growing up, I think lying became a pattern for me. If you couldn't be honest with your parents, you lied. If you couldn't communicate freely, you started to lie to keep the conversation going. I think it's neat that you are catching yourself lying. Being conscious of the act will really help you to alter the behavior, which I think is often habit.
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Lying for me was just another coping skill that once worked. There were many times in my life where it was not safe to expressive my feelings... so I lied
Did not want my friends to see my AM passed out in the living room.... so I lied
I thought if you really knew me and all that I have done... you would not like me... so I lied...
It got to the point where I did not even realize I was lying anymore....
As I move forward on my journey to getting healthier (not better... that statement just sounds like one is not good enough) I'm finding that I no longer need to lie. It's no longer necessary or working.. It is a hinderance of my recovery now.
Did not want my friends to see my AM passed out in the living room.... so I lied
I thought if you really knew me and all that I have done... you would not like me... so I lied...
It got to the point where I did not even realize I was lying anymore....
As I move forward on my journey to getting healthier (not better... that statement just sounds like one is not good enough) I'm finding that I no longer need to lie. It's no longer necessary or working.. It is a hinderance of my recovery now.
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Like you, my lying has probably become an unconscious thing that I do. Specifically though, when I was still in high school, I always lied about why my friends couldn't come over. Or, on the rare occasion when I did want them over, had to BEG my mom not to drink. I never saw it as a problem. Why tell my "close" friends that they can't come over because they'd see my mom drunk as hell and saying very inappropriate things? It's what happened when my brother had his friends over and I saw how embarrassed he was, as was I. I still don't know if it was a mistake honestly. I mean, I know that I need to start telling the truth and telling people that my parents drink excessively at night. I still haven't had the courage to tell anyone outside of my family, maybe because I'm not THAT close to anyone.
I just don't know what's right. I'm still so glad in some ways that I didn't let my friends know the real reason that they couldn't come over. Yeah, I might have had real relationships, but they might not have been there (as they have started to prove when I have recently tried to bring up emotional things from my past). Most of my friends were Christian and came from great families. Sometimes they'd talk about people with problems (whenever it happened to come up) and they would "pity" them but judge them severely. I just nodded my head, all the while knowing I was one of them, that I was different from those girls. What would I have done? Say, "yeah, I'm one of those annoying people who just looks for attention"? Those "friends" of mine probably would have reacted harshly. Maybe I'm just distorting reality, as I know most of us do, but I don't think I'm wrong about it. Okay, I'm done rambling now.
I just don't know what's right. I'm still so glad in some ways that I didn't let my friends know the real reason that they couldn't come over. Yeah, I might have had real relationships, but they might not have been there (as they have started to prove when I have recently tried to bring up emotional things from my past). Most of my friends were Christian and came from great families. Sometimes they'd talk about people with problems (whenever it happened to come up) and they would "pity" them but judge them severely. I just nodded my head, all the while knowing I was one of them, that I was different from those girls. What would I have done? Say, "yeah, I'm one of those annoying people who just looks for attention"? Those "friends" of mine probably would have reacted harshly. Maybe I'm just distorting reality, as I know most of us do, but I don't think I'm wrong about it. Okay, I'm done rambling now.
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"everyone wishes to have truth on his side, but not everyone wishes to be on the side of truth"
"It is easier to percieve error than to find truth, for the former lies on the surface and is easily seen, while the latter lies in the depth, where few are willing to search for it"
"It is easier to percieve error than to find truth, for the former lies on the surface and is easily seen, while the latter lies in the depth, where few are willing to search for it"
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