abusive working relationships
 

i just quit my job because i had reached the limit of dealing with an insane boss. (i think she's alcoholic and she also confided once that she thought she had adult attention deficiency disorder. disorder is the word! she was so disorganized, and then she turned on me, contradicting herself every time i turned around, getting paranoid...once she told me that another associate thought i had been talking about them with one of my assistants--and i said that is not mine to own -their paranoia---she tried to insist it was my responsibility what other people think and say of me. and she definitely had no idea about boundaries, which i tried to maintain but she took offense. i realized then that i was in another abusive unrecovered alcoholic relationship....one would think this would not be the time for quitting a job, but it got to the point that she was blasting me everyday--like it was her daily thrashing of me. i am hoping that i did the right thing in that i realized it was a very unhealthy environment to be in daily, so i accepted what i could not change and quit.

I can absolutely understand why you would not want to put yourself in that situation any longer and can only imagine how rough it must have been for you to have to deal with that everyday. Is there nobody more senior than her that you could speak to about it? It seems a real shame that you should be the one to lose out because of her problems.:ghug3

(((Escape)))

whether it's at work or in our personal life, we have to take care of us. I'm sorry that you had to quit, but I admire you that you were able to put your well-being first. I remember my mom going through the same thing when I was a teenager. I didn't realize how much her boss was stressing her out until she quit, and things got so much calmer at home.

I hope you are able to find another job, with a boss who truly appreciates you.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Lenore there was no way i could go up, i tried the human resources dept. but they wouldn't help me of course, the boss has tenure.

It sounds like it was an impossible situation for you. :ghug

I had a job at a Casey's convenience store with a manager who was passive aggressive. It drove me nuts!

In the end, karma came back to her. Apparently she decided to move on to a job somewhere else, put in a month's notice, and they terminated her the next day. :lmao :lmao

What an awful situation. If I had been in that situation I wouldn't have handled that as well as you did. It must be a massive weight off your shoulders to be out of that environment.

Lots of luck in finding a new job with, as Impurrfect says, a boss who appreciates what you have to offer and treats you with respect. :)

I hear ya...read on....
 

sorry to say, success in the business world is set up so that you can't make it unless you are willing to engage in some very unhealthy behavior patterns. And if you are the boss, it is that behavior you are expected to emulate in order to "fit with the program".

Here is the situation I have now.

My hourly manager took me aside last month and told me that the assistant manager of my store told her that he had a list of 4 people he wanted fired and she was to help him do it. How? By giving them work loads or deadlines beyond their capabilities, scrutinizing their work more often and with more detail than others, etc. She protested, but was told she would have to assist him in this or she too would face "corrective action".

Fast forward to last night. Same hourly manager took her aside and said, "I want you to put DirtMagnet (not my work name, of course :ghug2) and this other person in this department together. When they fail, I want them both written up and out the door TONIGHT because I consider them both to be underperformers." How do I know this? Because my hourly manager told me - she is looking for another job and is planning on filiing an ethical claim against the company as soon as another job comes through.

I'm almost too seized with fear to go into work anymore. It reminds me of living with my ex - no matter how well I did or my attitute about it, it didn't matter because I was on the "s**t list". My only defense here is to work at the tip-top of my capabilites - doing a good job here is my only defense. Other times in this department alone, I met my deadlines and audits were fine. Last night, I get a partner who did a sloppy job (even after I told her the possible consequences) so I will probably getting terminated for her bad performance. Even though I made clear to my hourly manager which parts of the workload were mine and which were hers, and it was hers that was brought into question later in the night.

Mind you, I am working to re-enter the professional field as soon as my youngest is going to school full time (this August - finally!) but it both makes me very angry and scares the h**l out of me that I can't win this one.

Maybe this is off-topic - I just can't believe I extracated myself from this crap in my PERSONAL life to run smack into again in my WORKING life. But maybe recognizing this is progress....but that won't pay the bills.

Good for you for doing what you needed to do for your own sanity, escape artist.

And can I just say that this may be a common scenario, but it is certainly not the case everywhere any more. I've not only had quite a few good experiences in my jobs (one boss saved my house from foreclosure; another trained me in a skill that still pays my mortgage - on her own time) but I became a successful manager with good ethics and people skills who people loved to work for.

Those are the jobs you want. The ones that keep you sane. Leaving lousy managers to wallow in their own sh*t, like escape artist did, frees us to find ones that are better for our life. Writing calm, rational letters to the personnel department after we're gone, explaining why we left with specific dates and examples and quotes and behaviors, can affect whether these people are allowed to do this to others in the future.

Update on MY abusive work relationship
 

After much thinking and talking to God at 2 in the morning, I finally decided to go into work and talk to upper management about what I had experienced on my shift (see previous post in this thread). The personnel director seemed very sympathetic and called in the store manager so he could hear what I had to say as well. I wrote it all up in a notebook so I could say what needed saying and not get emotional or off track.

They promised they would look into it and get back to me, but to be honest I am doubtful that anything will come of that. I have no faith in my store's management anymore and am just confused and frustrated by it all. I'm trying to get out of there as quickly as possible and just move on.

What really gets me steamed is that I am STILL picked out by crazy folks to be "played". It is like I am sugar and they are flies. I have not had a romantic relationship for going on 3 years now so tha I could get my head straight and stop attracting crazies. You can "cold turkey" that - but ya can't "cold turkey" having a job! Your landlady, electric company and phone company don't really appreciate your convictions there....:a108: Of course, my screen name says it all :)

I'm trying to look at all this as a learning situation but it is getting hard. I have to go to work at 10PM tonight and am not looking forward to it. Pray for me if you can.

DirtMagnet,
You have my prayers. I hope the job shift went OK for you. I applaud you for bringing forward your complaint - that takes a lot of fortitude!

Take that fortitude now and put it to finding another job. Persistence will pay off - and compared to skill, luck, intellect, or whatever it is the only thing that every really pays off.

Last Night...
 

was pretty normal. Nothing out of the ordinary. But now you can be sure I now take notes all night long of the things I do, who I talk to and what we discussed. I'm gonna cover my tailfeathers here.

My major concern here is that the situation I took to management was this:

Everything I took to managment was a case of "This person told me that this manager had it out for me" or "This person told me that this other manager said I was consistently underperforming" and that kind of thing. I stated very clearly in my meeting that these were all things I was told secondhand about someone, not things that were said directly to me.

I can't tell now whether the hourly manager is using me to try and cook up trouble for salaried management by lying or if she is telling the truth and management really is that bad. Either way, I wish my hourly manager would have just let me be. I don't want to be used in pursuit of anyone's private agenda. If they investigate and find nothing, I'm gonna look like a big fat liar and that really will p**s me off.

Dirt Magnet-

It's sad that you have to put up with this. I worked in management of several large corporations, and - I hate to tell you this - you will probably never hear if any action was taken. However, in 2 of the large companies that I was involved with, frequently there were other people that had also complained, and, in the long run, it would affect the person's raise and possibility of promotion. In a few cases the person would be told to find another job - so when they left, the "rank & file" didn't really know why, although the office gossip was usually accurate.

In several other companies, they only gave lip service to these complaints.

The bottom line, to me, is: you did the right thing. In the long run, if more people spoke up, there would be more change. Congratulations for being yourself and speaking up! You should be proud of yourself!

MikeH

(((Dirtmagnet)))

I work for a restaurant chain, and it seems, every week, someone is "on the list" of being in trouble...been there, myself, a few times. I've also been part of the "she said...." and felt like I was being played.

For now, I need this job. After the LAST time I got dragged into something that had nothing to do with me, I'd had it (what, a week ago?). I've gone in, every night since, and just done my job to the best of my ability and stayed out of the gossip, backstabbing/bickering/ and b****ing. I keep notes, I cover my a$$, and I've been loking for another job.

Most of my coworkers are kids. I'm not...I'm 47, a recovering addict with 2 college degrees. Just because I'm waiting tables doesn't mean I'm an idiot and sometime I have to remind my boss of that:) He knows my history, but that doesn't bother me..I've alway been honest. I've been working for 31 years. I've had to learn to choose my battles, but my new attitude has worked pretty well this past week.

It's hard, these days. We can't just go out and find another job. On the other hand, if I find myself in a situation that my serenity or recovery is severely compromised, I will do what escape artist did and hit the road.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Thanks everyone for sharing. My heart goes out to those of you in pain. I have been in a dilemma and very unhappy in my current job working in a large corporation...I found my recovery work with values of honesty and integrity clashed too much with my role in sales and I resigned just last week. I have been really working my program as I let slip today to my family that I quit and the reaction was one of seeing I was doomed....Is there any point in arguing, in getting those affected by this disease "to see" things as I see them?////I only know my soul was dying in there and my heart was withering under the oppressive yoke of daily lies, suffering and manipulation and valuing money over being honest, over being free! Sure, my job allowed me to rent a home, to buy my own things but at what price?? THE PRICE was my soul,,, I felt I came to resent my home, my clothes, my..stuff because I was fading away in a corporate environment driven by greed, working with people who were lost, to addicition, to something, more people I couldnt save or help, people who didnt REALLY want my help anyway!!! I gues it's good I told my family because I dont want to lie anymore....I have people telling me thats the way the business world works, you have to lie,...but people in recovery accept my choice, they encourage me, they say to "be confident in God's help"....I have been asking my Higher Power for help and guidance every step of the way and feel this is the right step for me. I believe I am taken care of but I am also scared. Now that I have taken this step, this leap of faith, its like noone else believes, noone else sees hope for me, they only see my upcoming failure, the fool to have thrown it all away on a whim.....but in alanon I learnt about the elephant in the living room, and there was a herd of them in my office!!! i couldnt breathe in there~!!!!

Brothers and Sisters, I want to say a prayer for all of us to be confident in handing our will and lives over to the care of God (as we understand God in our own ways) and that He will find a way for us and anew job for us right now and guide us from right now on how to fall into it so that we may be free, honest and fully alive again. How alanon works says it is not God's will fo rus to merely survive, that the truth will simply fester on if ignored. Well it festered for years in my current job and though I am startled by quittin gI am also freed. I pray that my faith in God may lead me to be taken care of, to have my daily food and to pay the rent etc. Step 3. This is my prayer for myself and all of you, if it be God's will, restore that trust. Amen.

Utopia, I know what you are saying as that is what everyone around me were saying too. i was craaaaazy! I have another job which i have been working in for a year-but it is straight commission in real estate! and they all think i am reaaaallly craaaazzzy now. I admit I feel fear. But this just felt like the right thing to do for now. So I have work to do, yet I don't have that guilt of neglecting my children anymore either. and i am trusting as you are that I will be guided to a better way....I am in so many transitions right now....i am moving out of my house of 14 years, but i am so ready to, I am moving into another house which i have been rehabbing, and i am also about to get married. Plus what i left from my old job i am facing the same insane behavior at the new job with the battle ax at the desk-- so to DirtMagnet--I know how you feel also about attracting the crazies....but that aside, I realize i have almost all the high stressors going on in my life, and i can't begin to tell you which one scares the crap out of me the most!! trying to go one day at a time is about the best i can do right now.

Utopia, good for you!!!

Everyone said I was nuts too, when I left my suffocating high-paying job and started my own microscopic little business :) They made me feel bad for a while. But I let myself trust my own instincts, following where they led me, and now I am just so much happier. I could never, ever go back to an environment like that, not for all the money in the world.

You've done the right thing :hug:

Praise God! I got a new job at a new company. It's part time for a govt owned utility place and the building is owned by one of the places of worship i go to, whichi snext door!! this works for me, this feels like a gift to me and each day i thank god and say my prayers and one day at a time eat my meals, say prayers and stop to seek conscious contact with the blessings of my life. when i walk I thank my HP for having legs that work to walk me to this job, now i have enough to pay rent and an "ample reserve" to buy needs and little extras....this is good for me, for now. im considering studying as well as I grow again....people smile and say hi, they gave us a welcome bag and i thank them for that but i still ge tmy needs met in alanon and with the new rlsps outside recovery that are possible because of recovery work,,,,my faith is much stronger than in a long time and i actually feel, happy, joyous, free. this stuff works.