hiding

I'm new to the site but this thread caught by eye. What you've all said got me thinking about what I thought was a separate issue but might not be afterall. My dad's an alcoholic (highly functioning for years but not so much any more) and has always been a control freak. I've often thought that my own nature is affected by this. I don't try to control other people but I can't cope with not controlling my own life. I've ordered the ACOA Sourcebook to try to get to grips with the various parts of my life which have been affected so hopefully that will give me some direction. I know my dad's had a huge impact on my life but I also know that I'm an adult and have to take responsibility for (or should that be 'control over'?) changing myself - unlike him. He recently told me outright that he's too old to change - not the first time he's said that.

The question of confrontation is one I've been wondering about for a while and it never occurred to me it might be connected to my family life. My mum, brother and me talk to each other about dad's drinking but we never talk about it with him. The past couple of Christmases my brother and I have ended up fighting with eachother, rather than with dad. We're really close and we both know that he's the person we're really mad at. It would devastate us if the fighting went too far. It nearly did and all because we were avoiding confrontation with the person who deserves our anger.

I try to avoid confrontation when I can but what worries me is that I have a physical reaction to it. I start shaking, even if I'm not directly involved. There was a loud argument in the supermarket a while back and I started shaking. I guess it must be an adrenelin surge but I don't really understand it and it makes it very hard to cope, especially at work. Times are really hard at work and everyone's more stressed than usual. When people lose their temper at the situation as a whole I feel like I'm personally under attack and I my hands and voice shaking start shaking. What I say makes sense but the way I say it doesn't.

Does anyone else have any experience of this?

GiveLove

For a long time, hiding, I had a physical reaction too. It just showed me how deeply the damage had penetrated into my system. I worked on it with time, ACoA study, and a good counselor, who helped me to gradually acclimate myself to "strife" as he put it, so it no longer wrecked me.

It still makes me very nervous - and I'm careful not to let that happen too much in my immediate vicinity (I avoid angry, confrontational acquaintances, for example, as well as contentious, perpetually angry work situations....I just get rid of them as quickly as I can...who needs it?) And I don't like people being angry at me, but I can usually get through it if I absolutely have to. I'm a myers-briggs type "INFP" and we hate confrontation, always the peacemakers.

It also helped me a lot to finally express my anger with the people in my life who deserved it. Realizing that YOU are redirecting your anger to others rather than focusing on the problem is a great step!!!!

Have you tried working with a counselor on your ACoA stuff? Have you had any luck finding help there?

hiding

Thanks so much Give Love. It's a relief to know it happens to other people. I'm INFJ and apparently they avoid confrontation too – I wonder whether alot of ACoAs fall into those personality groups. Looking back at the weaknesses for INFJ, they say a lot about me (the strengths do too but the weaknesses could be common to AcoAs?): tendency to hold back part of themselves, not good with money or practical day-to-day life necessities, have very high expectations for themselves and others, have difficulty leaving a bad relationship

Your post also confirms that I really do need to follow this path. I think I was still unconvinced that my family life could have had had such a huge impact on me and that I should just be able to pick myself up and get on. I do get angry easily, even if I don't do anything about it, and it could be because I've been holding the anger at my dad so close for so long.

I realised that I needed to do something after I was passed over for promotion at work. I've become much more isolated and quiet since I got back to work after long term sick leave after surgery on my back. I was very dependant on my parents during sick leave – my mum for day to day help and my a.d. for financial help. I know I'm prone to overthinking things and assuming other people pay more attention to me than they really do but I feel like my bosses think I'm standoffish, arrogant and strange. Things like the shaking when confronted are the icing on that particular cake and the more uncomfortable I feel, the harder it all is! When I was trying to work it all out in my head I realized that it's not my pride that hurts from being passed over. I'm hurt that people I look up to haven't validated me. If I'm desperate for approval from them and see promotion in those terms, I'm being immature in my attitude to work and need to learn not to need that kind of approval.

I haven't seen anyone yet. As far as I know the counsellor I saw after the surgery has had her funding withdrawn so it could be tough. I saw her before to deal with frustration at my lack of progress and other peoples attitudes to it (including my dad's - even after 18 months of 24/7 pain he didn't believe there was anything wrong with me until the surgeon told him the disc he'd taken out was completely rotten) but I carefully avoided mentioning my dad to her. It's really hard for me to talk to people anyway so I think I'll read the book first and then talk to my GP about seeing someone once I have a better grip on what I'm dealing with. Knowing that other people understand is a huge help. To steal from your location, I'm only just starting on the path that I can stumble on to reach happiness!

By the way, do you find you can look people in the eye when they're speaking to you but you can't look them in the eye when you're talking?

GiveLove

Oh yeah, you bet. I found my lack of eye contact (both listening and speaking) one of the things that dragged on the longest....it was so automatic, half the time I wasn't even aware I was doing it.

That's what I mean about counseling, and finding the right person: I keep a journal, write in it regularly though not all the time. It once came up in my scribblings that I was feeling really small and weak because I never made eye contact with people. So I walked into my counselor's office one day and said, "How do I fix this? What are some small, graduated steps I can take to teach myself a new behavior?" That's what a good counselor will give you: Homework

I STILL find myself doing it from time to time, and I just have to shrug it off and try harder next time to work the steps again.

We are all just works in progress, hiding :ghug3

Latte

Do you live in my head? Gah, I've spent year running away from these feelings. First with food, then with drugs and alcohol. I grew up with an alcoholic father.

I'm no longer running. I stopped, faced it all and it really isn't as scarey as I thought it was. With AA/NA, Al-Anon, counseling and working with sponsors I have been able to find peace. I hope you can find peace also.

hiding

I started noticing it when I came back to work. I can look clients in the eye once I'm on a roll and talking about what I know though. I think it's because I know and love law and I'm totally focused on helping the client so I'm in my comfort zone, whereas when I talk about myself or put forward new ideas to bosses I'm definitely not. I don't feel like I'll be rejected by the clients. It probably comes down to who the authority figures are.

I've never needed a journal thanks to a photographic memory combined with a huge amount of self-analysis! Other than that, that's exactly what I'm thinking about counselling. Saying 'these are the things I've already spotted. How do I learn new behaviour and let go of the old ways of thinking?'

But that's the difference between us and our alcoholic parents. We try to learn and change and believe that it will bring us a better future. They've just given up. You'll get there and so will I and when we do we won't stagnate because we know that life is all about changing for the better.

bragi

hiding,

I also experience strong physical reactions to confrontation. I go into full fight-or-flight mode, heart pounding extremely hard (adrenaline, I'm guessing), etc. My reaction to someone else's criticism or anger will either be to tear into them to the utmost, or to completely give in. Rarely is there an in-between.

I really don't like fighting with people. I just had to confront our landlord about something last night, and it didn't go well, and it tore up my entire evening and part of today.

I'm not totally sure why this happens; but I can relate.

bragi

I agree with that; I rarely feel as clearheaded and strong as when I finally told my AM what she was doing to everyone around her, and how angry I was about it, and what would happen if she didn't stop.

bragi

Ha! I totally do that! Not all the time, and not usually with my fiancee, but I'm certainly guilty of that.