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Dreams!! Crazy Dreams!

Old 08-07-2003, 02:35 PM
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Dreams!! Crazy Dreams!

Hey you guys, i havent been here in a minute. but damn, i'm back. I think i'm nutz! i'm not kidding either.

I read a few books, felt really confident for a while, felt good. Cleared away debt left from loser dad, and mom is safe and protected. Shouldnt life get back to normal now?

I read that depression is a "trap" of recovery, i think i'm falling in it, dont want to though. Its seems to be taking me over. I fight it everyday. I still get up, get to work, take care of business when i get home. still going..

What the heck is wrong with me! i cant stand myself anymore!

And now to top it off: This is my problem!! I keep having the weridest, strangest, craziest dreams, and they seem soo real, that i actually need a minute and sometimes 1/2 the day to realize that its "all in my head".

I have had dreams of my best friend (female) and my b.f. leaving together!! Of monsters invading the planet and i'm trying to save people, and my dog is invinsible! Then my mom is on the phone crying, shes scared; Then last night: I had a dream: I went to my b.f. of (2yrs) house, and he had some friends over, a girl was there, he was mean, rude, he told me to get out, that i was "all used up". I woke up in hysterics!! And now i cant get this crap out of my head. I told b.f. about the first 3 dreams and he said i let my mind wander, he laughed at them. i did too then.

Help! am i going crazy?
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Old 08-08-2003, 04:55 AM
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Angel,

We go through alot of emotions in recovery and not all of them are pleasant. We are cleaning out the BS to make room for graitude and serenity.

OMG when I started I was positively catatonic. I had realized my own participation and it took some serious time to forgive myself and get past it. That is me, mind you, I am not sure why you are where you are but I bet you do.

Today when I go through a rough patch I can usually pinpoint something that needs to be done. A boundary, an amends, some sort of unfinished buisness. For me depression has been a big part of my recovery and my recovery has been a big part of healing the depression.

If you allow yourself to be quiet and listen I bet your intuition will tell you. I promise you there is something you are trying to get passed and if you ignore it this time it will be back some day in the future. That has been my experience.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 08-08-2003, 07:15 AM
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Thanks J.T. !! It just really sux, i havent been here in a while, i was soo proud of myself, and completed these books, and the books are great! But then again, i guess i dont allow myself to feel too much anymore, cuz i need to be better, i should be able to be better, i dont want to ruin my relationship, by having issues all the time, or crying and being depressed.
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Old 08-08-2003, 09:53 AM
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Angel...my husband Ward went through and hell and back with me. Because of that I know he loves me deeply. You are who you are and you are working on yourself which is an impressive trait in a person...pls don't put yourself on the back burner so as not to rock the boat. The biggest gift you can give him is yourself being happy, and confident.

You both are worth it!
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Old 08-08-2003, 10:19 AM
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J.T. thanks! I know, but jeezz, my b.f. has been through soo much w/me already, and always has been there. I think i'm just harder on myself. He just called me a little while ago to say hello & that he loves me. And he could tell something was wrong. I told him how lonely and sad i feel today. And he ask why? I told him i just do. And he says to try to pin point what it is, so that we can work on it. I really just felt insecure, unloved.

I wanted reassurance, for what reason, i dont know. But he gave it to me. The key is to talk & communicate. Sometimes i just want him to know, and feel what i feel, not have to tell him. I think men are clueless unless you break down why your being the way your being.

Does the "depression" or what is it called? does that always stay? Isnt there a way to become emotionally strong again? easier? and how??
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Old 08-08-2003, 06:57 PM
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Hey Ångel,
I just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers. I have to go so Mom can get on so I can't write a lot. I'm here for you.

Try writing out your dreams and turning them into stories. It minimizes their reality. Pictures are good for that too.

Remember that you are wonderful and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. This is the stuff that is going to make you stronger and you will get stronger although I don't think there is an easier way to do it.

Much love!
-- Ångel
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Old 08-09-2003, 05:10 AM
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Angel,

Expecting him to read your mind is not fair to him. So he is right...tell him how you feel. He sounds like a great guy!

Depression doesn't have to be a lifetime affliction...in time, working a program will help. Today I really don't have any reason to be depressed. I have practiced gratitude for so long that I want for nothing. I have chased away most of the demons, come to terms with my mistakes, made amends the best way I could. I nurture myself so I don't have to wait for someone else to do it for me.

I listen to myself...if I need recovery I come here, If I need activity, I walk or call a friend and make plans. If I need quiet a good book or sitting outside at the end of the day does the trick. If I am feeling down...the answer is inside me...and when I find it I take action, I do the next right thing. Sometimes I need a break from the recovery books and a trashy novel does the trick...

If you are feeling empty...fill yourself up. Expect nothing to come to you...go after it. And when something does land in your lap it will be a gift. Look around and be grateful for what you have. Our focus is skewed by our pasts...but we have the power to change it.

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Old 08-13-2003, 02:45 PM
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Intriguing comment........

I'm curious about this, and it's a serious question. I have NO interest in starting a war of words, I promise! Doesn't this work both ways?

"I think men are clueless unless you break down why your being the way your being.........."

Is it possible women are clueless unless you break down why your being the way your being?
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Old 08-15-2003, 08:34 AM
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hi of course!
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Old 08-15-2003, 06:41 PM
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1_day,

I think I know what you are saying but correct me if I am wrong. Ward (my H) IS clueless...but as I have changed in recovery he has adjusted in response. And sometimes I do have to spell out what to me is obvious. How he takes it belongs to him as long as I have been clear and calm.

Taking responsibilty for myself left him swinging in the breeze...he took notice. Trust me, I said all there was to say over the years and never got anywhere. I believed that if I didn't voice my objection he would see it as approval...not so. All I was doing was beating my head against a wall. It took change to create change.

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Old 08-19-2003, 10:19 AM
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Hey sweets. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I constantly have vivid dreams like that. Although, some are incredibley disturbing....(had a few bad ones a couple of nights ago), I consider it a blessing. Like, perhaps receiving a message and it depends on how you look at it. First of all, since my dreams are so vivid, I've been obsessed about dreams. Remember that dreams are your subconsious kind of putting your thoughts into a movie. Thoughts you may never know you had. Also, that what you see in your dreams may not actually be the message you are to receive. For ex.; you saw your boyfriend with another girl or girls and he was being rude. Perhaps you've been feeling down on yourself and insecure. (I don't know your whole story, but...) Perhaps you're upset with someone that HAS spoken to you in that manner...you seeing your boyfriend could be simply from talking to him earlier that day. Association. If it freaks you out, keep a dream diary near your bed, jot down notes...key factors that really stand out, and hop online and see what you can decifer. **Hugz** Sorry you're flustered. Just keep on keepin on and you'll be alright. Life just gets hard sometimes and getting thru those times are what makes us stronger. ~Damaged
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Old 08-19-2003, 11:03 AM
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Thanks Damaged. My dreams are very vivid now, more than they have ever been. But I also didnt dream for a while, i was drinking a few before bedtime to help sleep. Now that i read, and write, my god, my mind is working up some stuff instead. Yes I dont believe that my b.f. would do anything of that sort. It was my friend that was hurtful to me, and I had seen him the same night.

today dad goes to serve time for 3 or 4 dwi. today has been a sad day all day, but my b.f. just stopped down w/lunch on his day off. I have something to be happy about, i do have someone that cares. Trying to stay in an up mood.

I am stick of being strong. I am very tired. I want to rest, sleep, cry, hide. But i keep going, cuz i have to. got work to do.

I've started to jot down dreams, see if i can make any sense out of them. hehe... God my dog was the hero in my dream! He is my hero, cuddley little hero.
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Old 08-19-2003, 11:55 AM
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It's great that you have such a wonderful b/f to cheer you up when you're down, but it's okay to take some down time for yourself. Trying to stay strong can be so exhausting!! Believe you me, I know what you mean when you say you've got work to do, Lord knows I do too...I try really hard to not let my personal life effect my work, sometimes you just can't help it, though. You sound like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders while struggling inside. Lol, You should take pride in that alone. *Hugz 2 ya'*
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