For Child-less ACOA's
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 381
For Child-less ACOA's
*and parents too if you'd like to give your feedback!
I was wondering what other ACOA's think of when they think of having children. Do you want children? What are your hopes for having one and what pictures come to mind?
I sense that I would be the high-achiever 'super-parent' and maybe a little strict...there was zero structure growing up with my mom and so I always felt I would do the opposite.
I was wondering what other ACOA's think of when they think of having children. Do you want children? What are your hopes for having one and what pictures come to mind?
I sense that I would be the high-achiever 'super-parent' and maybe a little strict...there was zero structure growing up with my mom and so I always felt I would do the opposite.
If you are lost, stand still
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: James Island, SC
Posts: 159
Good topic! I'm 28, and recently come to terms with the fact that I probably don't want kids, even though I enjoy children in general.
There is guilt involved, because I honestly do that that as a result of all my "self-parenting" work, not to mention my graduate studies in clinical psychology, that I would be a good parent... in theory. Which makes me think I *should* have kids.
However, as a somewhat introverted, highly sensitive person who absorbs the emotions of others, I feel that I wouldn't have the energy for dealing with kids day in and day out.
But I am open to the idea that I won't know for sure until the time comes. And when it does, I know that I will not defer to any "shoulds" or the desires of a potential S.O. to make my decision for me.
Right now, I am happy with having a dog, and feel no pull for anything more.
There is guilt involved, because I honestly do that that as a result of all my "self-parenting" work, not to mention my graduate studies in clinical psychology, that I would be a good parent... in theory. Which makes me think I *should* have kids.
However, as a somewhat introverted, highly sensitive person who absorbs the emotions of others, I feel that I wouldn't have the energy for dealing with kids day in and day out.
But I am open to the idea that I won't know for sure until the time comes. And when it does, I know that I will not defer to any "shoulds" or the desires of a potential S.O. to make my decision for me.
Right now, I am happy with having a dog, and feel no pull for anything more.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
I'm in my mid-20s and apprehensive (which bodes tentatively with an enthusiastic partner). Sometimes I feel confident. But I know there are times in my life when I have fallen into a sort of paralyzing depression. Though it hasn't happened since I put some healthy distance between me and my toxic-combo parents, I've wondered if this is a precursor tendency in me to fall into the behavior my AF has modelled for me. AF is constantly self-pitying; he has it so hard that he *has* to drink all the time (esp at holidays) to cope with it. I know that if I have children I will really have to make "me time" because otherwise I believe I will become resentful and withdrawn if they demand my time; I'm afraid I will repeat the hostile resentful feelings I have with my parents, who demanded I sacrifice energy reserved for my needs to their cyclic drama.
In an effort to combat that, I'm hoping to live quite selfishly (compared to how I existed when I lived with my parents) right up until having kids. I'm going to invest in my appearance, celebrate my youth and success, and listen to all the metal I can. In my parent's house, the only music allowed was what my AF liked: country. There was this wonderful culturally isolating effect of limited media in my parent's house. I really want to attend a concert of my favorite metal band before I have kids.
At the risk of sounding codependent, I don't think I could seriously consider having kids with anyone but my current partner. He had a good childhood and still genuinely gets my family (he doesn't always get the dynamics, but he's able to see the dysfunction for what it is). I have faith that if something happened to me, he knows contact with my parents (esp AF) should be limited. He also knows that it takes more than providing food and clothing to constitute a good parent.
In an effort to combat that, I'm hoping to live quite selfishly (compared to how I existed when I lived with my parents) right up until having kids. I'm going to invest in my appearance, celebrate my youth and success, and listen to all the metal I can. In my parent's house, the only music allowed was what my AF liked: country. There was this wonderful culturally isolating effect of limited media in my parent's house. I really want to attend a concert of my favorite metal band before I have kids.
At the risk of sounding codependent, I don't think I could seriously consider having kids with anyone but my current partner. He had a good childhood and still genuinely gets my family (he doesn't always get the dynamics, but he's able to see the dysfunction for what it is). I have faith that if something happened to me, he knows contact with my parents (esp AF) should be limited. He also knows that it takes more than providing food and clothing to constitute a good parent.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 20
This is a great topic.
I want children, but my mom was an addict, my grandfather,
and my husband is a recovered addict as well.
The gene pool gets me nervous when i think about it, but I really do feel it is the environment. If you are open and honest with your children,
when the time is right of course, and if you can be sober parents for your children,
I think things can and will turn out ok.
Will I be a bit of control freak mom? Already will? but will i try to make up for all the things my mom didnt do? that too.
But all we can do if we want children is try our best, in the most sober way possible.
I want children, but my mom was an addict, my grandfather,
and my husband is a recovered addict as well.
The gene pool gets me nervous when i think about it, but I really do feel it is the environment. If you are open and honest with your children,
when the time is right of course, and if you can be sober parents for your children,
I think things can and will turn out ok.
Will I be a bit of control freak mom? Already will? but will i try to make up for all the things my mom didnt do? that too.
But all we can do if we want children is try our best, in the most sober way possible.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 163
I have two boys, 6 and 4.
My husband and I have a good balance with structure and freedom. I don't worry about that.
I find that I carry my own relationship with my mother over to my relationship with them, though. I feel doomed. Every adult child in my family has a terrible relationship with his/her parents. I don't know how to a good adult child/parent relationship is supposed to work. It makes me sad, even in the middle of loving them.
I also feel incompetent a lot of time. I can't maintain a healthy relationship with my mother, so how can I possibly maintain a healthy relationship with my boys?
The answer is: day by day. I just do the best I can day by day and hope that builds into a good family over time.
My husband and I have a good balance with structure and freedom. I don't worry about that.
I find that I carry my own relationship with my mother over to my relationship with them, though. I feel doomed. Every adult child in my family has a terrible relationship with his/her parents. I don't know how to a good adult child/parent relationship is supposed to work. It makes me sad, even in the middle of loving them.
I also feel incompetent a lot of time. I can't maintain a healthy relationship with my mother, so how can I possibly maintain a healthy relationship with my boys?
The answer is: day by day. I just do the best I can day by day and hope that builds into a good family over time.
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Hmmm......
Well, I like my nieces and nephews and (most of) the children that I instruct in my summer naturalist job.
But to get kids you need a relationship.
No, make that a REAL relationship, annnnnnd that requires - eeek- commitment!
Bad track record so far - I need more tools. I wouldn't want to visit my parent's rather small tool kit of parenting and relationship skills on any children.
I'll just go with a Shakespeare-ish take on the whole love deal:
And, like Benedict, avoid the whole scratched face thing.
Well, I like my nieces and nephews and (most of) the children that I instruct in my summer naturalist job.
But to get kids you need a relationship.
No, make that a REAL relationship, annnnnnd that requires - eeek- commitment!
Bad track record so far - I need more tools. I wouldn't want to visit my parent's rather small tool kit of parenting and relationship skills on any children.
I'll just go with a Shakespeare-ish take on the whole love deal:
That a woman conceived me, I thank her; that she
brought me up, I likewise give her most humble
thanks: but that I will have a recheat winded in my
forehead, or hang my bugle in an invisible baldrick,
all women shall pardon me. Because I will not do
them the wrong to mistrust any, I will do myself the
right to trust none; and the fine is, for the which
I may go the finer, I will live a bachelor.
brought me up, I likewise give her most humble
thanks: but that I will have a recheat winded in my
forehead, or hang my bugle in an invisible baldrick,
all women shall pardon me. Because I will not do
them the wrong to mistrust any, I will do myself the
right to trust none; and the fine is, for the which
I may go the finer, I will live a bachelor.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I married at 40, and we theoretically could've had kids. But I don't believe in having kids just as a biological function....something we're just, gosh, supposed to DO (I have many relatives like that).
in my personal belief system, you've really got to be passionate about the idea of having & raising kids if you're going to make it through all the late nights, sicknesses, uncertainty, and trouble, not to mention the heartbreak if they turn out to be addicts despite your best efforts. I was never confident that I could love my kids this much, and especially, though I feel ashamed admitting it, I wasn't sure if I could continue to love them if them just turned out to be cr@ppy human beings (addicts, criminals, racists, bernard madoff, etc.)
Yes, I know, if you raise them well they're all supposed to grow up to be perfect, well-adjusted adults, but that's just not how it works out sometimes.
So I leave the child-rearing to others in my family, and I am the most amazing auntie you can imagine
I'm even thinking of buying some of those "Awesome Auntie" mugs and shirts, just to remind myself.
I don't regret my decision at all. Heck, I didn't even allow MYSELF to be a kid until I was 40....
in my personal belief system, you've really got to be passionate about the idea of having & raising kids if you're going to make it through all the late nights, sicknesses, uncertainty, and trouble, not to mention the heartbreak if they turn out to be addicts despite your best efforts. I was never confident that I could love my kids this much, and especially, though I feel ashamed admitting it, I wasn't sure if I could continue to love them if them just turned out to be cr@ppy human beings (addicts, criminals, racists, bernard madoff, etc.)
Yes, I know, if you raise them well they're all supposed to grow up to be perfect, well-adjusted adults, but that's just not how it works out sometimes.
So I leave the child-rearing to others in my family, and I am the most amazing auntie you can imagine
I'm even thinking of buying some of those "Awesome Auntie" mugs and shirts, just to remind myself.I don't regret my decision at all. Heck, I didn't even allow MYSELF to be a kid until I was 40....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
When I finally made it to adult hood I swore I would never do to a child what was done to me. I also know I had no clue how to raise a child, heck, I still had to finish raising _me_.
That was the main motivation that got me into ACoA when it was first branching out from Al-anon. Those were exciting days, Claudia Black had just published the very first books about us, and the world of recovery suddenly became wide open. ACoA meetings were popping up on every street corner.
I also got into therapy for the same reason. Years of it. I hung out with all the couples in recovery who had kids and _watched_ how they did it.
Then one fine day I fell in love with a fellow ACoA, and she came with a 16yr old pre-installed. Oh boy, talk about jumping into the deep end of child-rearing. Life has a way of doing that, I had planned to make babies and raise 'em from scratch. It _never_ ocurred to me that I'd get a previously owned model !!!
Just to add a little spice to the mix, the ex-husband had been a pedophile, and this little family had some heavy traumas to overcome. I needed every last bit of recovery to not make an even bigger mess of this.
Years went by. Daughter moved in two of her girlfriends, also ACoA's, and they moved in some of their little siblings, and they moved in their dogs, cats, fish, gerbils.... What a zoo. I set boundaries, everybody complained, but everybody stayed.
More years went by. Daughter found a decent guy and got married, had her own baby to raise. Rest of the zoo grew up too and moved out on their own. Daughter got divorced, was living with her little one and getting very lonely. One fine day she came to me and told me that she knew exactly what kind of man she wante for a husband; one that treated her just like I treated her Mother.
It's been decades now. Daughter has four kidlets of her own now. She runs her own business, household, kids, dogs and husband. The business running she learned from me, she keeps her house organized the way I do, trains the dogs like I used to, and hubby is so much like me that we almost have nothing to talk about. People who know us well swear she's my biological kid, but she's not. The grandkids? They are so well adjusted it's creepy. There's not a drop of dysfunction anywhere in that family, not even in the cat.
I've told her that the only regret I have in life is that I am not her biological father so I could claim some of the credit.
None of which would have ever come to pass if I had not jumped into recovery and therapy fully and without reservations. I was able to break the chains of abuse, but it wasn't _me_ that broke them. It was the example I was able to be for my daughter to follow. It was this program of recovery that worked the miracle, all I did was carry the message.
Mike
That was the main motivation that got me into ACoA when it was first branching out from Al-anon. Those were exciting days, Claudia Black had just published the very first books about us, and the world of recovery suddenly became wide open. ACoA meetings were popping up on every street corner.
I also got into therapy for the same reason. Years of it. I hung out with all the couples in recovery who had kids and _watched_ how they did it.
Then one fine day I fell in love with a fellow ACoA, and she came with a 16yr old pre-installed. Oh boy, talk about jumping into the deep end of child-rearing. Life has a way of doing that, I had planned to make babies and raise 'em from scratch. It _never_ ocurred to me that I'd get a previously owned model !!!
Just to add a little spice to the mix, the ex-husband had been a pedophile, and this little family had some heavy traumas to overcome. I needed every last bit of recovery to not make an even bigger mess of this.
Years went by. Daughter moved in two of her girlfriends, also ACoA's, and they moved in some of their little siblings, and they moved in their dogs, cats, fish, gerbils.... What a zoo. I set boundaries, everybody complained, but everybody stayed.
More years went by. Daughter found a decent guy and got married, had her own baby to raise. Rest of the zoo grew up too and moved out on their own. Daughter got divorced, was living with her little one and getting very lonely. One fine day she came to me and told me that she knew exactly what kind of man she wante for a husband; one that treated her just like I treated her Mother.
It's been decades now. Daughter has four kidlets of her own now. She runs her own business, household, kids, dogs and husband. The business running she learned from me, she keeps her house organized the way I do, trains the dogs like I used to, and hubby is so much like me that we almost have nothing to talk about. People who know us well swear she's my biological kid, but she's not. The grandkids? They are so well adjusted it's creepy. There's not a drop of dysfunction anywhere in that family, not even in the cat.
I've told her that the only regret I have in life is that I am not her biological father so I could claim some of the credit.
None of which would have ever come to pass if I had not jumped into recovery and therapy fully and without reservations. I was able to break the chains of abuse, but it wasn't _me_ that broke them. It was the example I was able to be for my daughter to follow. It was this program of recovery that worked the miracle, all I did was carry the message.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Tyne and Wear, UK
Posts: 60
Until my mid 20's, I was convinced that I didn't want children. I really haven't spent much time around kids-my sister and I were the youngest in our extended family and none of my friends have kids. Even as a child I was more comfortable with adults than other children. But I've been thinking more and more about being a mother recently. I suppose it's because my 30th birthday is looming and I realise that if I do want kids, then I had better find a partner and start a career to come back to when the kids have grown a bit pretty quickly!
Apart from the biological worries about how long I can leave it to think about having kids, I also worry about whether I am strong enough to cope with children. I think I have this image of being Supermum-that my kids will always feel encouraged, cherished and safe, i.e, all the things I never felt as a child. I wonder whether the idea of taking care of a child is more to do with wanting to nurture the child me.
I also worry (and this might sound strange) how I would react if my child was a girl. I spent my childhood hearing how much my mother wanted boys, how much better boys were and she hadn't even thought of a name for me or my sister as she didn't want to consider that she might have girls. As you can imagine, that left me with some pretty hateful thoughts about myself that I'm still dealing with. I hope that legacy wouldn't follow me into motherhood, but I'm really scared that it would.
The idea that I may never have kids makes me pretty sad, but I would much rather that I carry that sadness than I have children that I am not able to cope with and pass it onto them. So I suppose I'm hopeful of having children, but it's a sacrifice I'll make it if I don't believe I'm able to provide them with everything they would need.
Apart from the biological worries about how long I can leave it to think about having kids, I also worry about whether I am strong enough to cope with children. I think I have this image of being Supermum-that my kids will always feel encouraged, cherished and safe, i.e, all the things I never felt as a child. I wonder whether the idea of taking care of a child is more to do with wanting to nurture the child me.
I also worry (and this might sound strange) how I would react if my child was a girl. I spent my childhood hearing how much my mother wanted boys, how much better boys were and she hadn't even thought of a name for me or my sister as she didn't want to consider that she might have girls. As you can imagine, that left me with some pretty hateful thoughts about myself that I'm still dealing with. I hope that legacy wouldn't follow me into motherhood, but I'm really scared that it would.
The idea that I may never have kids makes me pretty sad, but I would much rather that I carry that sadness than I have children that I am not able to cope with and pass it onto them. So I suppose I'm hopeful of having children, but it's a sacrifice I'll make it if I don't believe I'm able to provide them with everything they would need.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
DesertEyes, you took the words right out of my mouth:
"When I finally made it to adult hood I swore I would never do to a child what was done to me. "
I've said that for ages.
I'm now in my late 50's. I never had children, and I don't regret it. I like children, but I just didn't think I could raise one.
I had one niece that I used to be fond of, but when she reached adulthood, she turned on me and her other aunts/uncles. I think she may be borderline--she's had an eating disorder. However it is, we're not close now.
I have one feline daughter and I'm happy with that.
"When I finally made it to adult hood I swore I would never do to a child what was done to me. "
I've said that for ages.
I'm now in my late 50's. I never had children, and I don't regret it. I like children, but I just didn't think I could raise one.
I had one niece that I used to be fond of, but when she reached adulthood, she turned on me and her other aunts/uncles. I think she may be borderline--she's had an eating disorder. However it is, we're not close now.
I have one feline daughter and I'm happy with that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there KudzuJean, and welcome to our little corner of recovery. I'm glad you decided to join us.
That's wonderful that you are at peace with not having kids, so many regret that decision. Feel free to start a new thread just so all the "regulars" can see that you have just arrived and give you a proper welcome
Mike
That's wonderful that you are at peace with not having kids, so many regret that decision. Feel free to start a new thread just so all the "regulars" can see that you have just arrived and give you a proper welcome
Mike
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
