Dilemma... It shouldn't be this hard.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: St. Louis, MO
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Dilemma... It shouldn't be this hard.
I need some words of encouragement and some advice.
My mom is an alcoholic. She goes through spurts of sobriety, but lately it seems she is drinking a lot more frequently. She binges and when she tries to get sober she has episodes of hallucinations, vomiting, shaking, etc. She knows that I will only accept her calls if she is sober (or, the alternative, getting sober to make sure she's alive).
The problem that I'm facing is that we go on a few annual trips together. These trips are for her work and I go to help her out. I've been going/helping for as long as I can remember. I enjoyed the trips because we got to spend time together. Now though, I'm dreading it. For the past few years, she's hid her drinking. She'll go into the bathroom and pretend to be showering/changing and will come out a completely different person. It makes me very uncomfortable.
About two years ago, I set some boundaries in place. One of those bondaries was that I will not tolerate being anywhere near her if she's actively drinking. If I go to her house and she's been drinking, I leave. If I talk to her on the phone and can hear in her voice that she's drunk, I end the conversation. Now I have these trips coming up. If she drinks, I don't have an easy way to enforce my boundary (I can't leave because we drive together and the location is eight hours away).
That being said, I've come to the conclusion that I am going to tell her that I am not going on the trips this year because I'm in a good place right now and I feel that by going, I am enabling her. I have been having a "conversation" in my head about approaching the subject with her and to be honest, I am petrified to tell her. I'm carrying around a lot of guilt, hurt, etc. over this and that's the ACoA in me. I've considered sending her a letter, or an email, or doing it over the phone, but I feel like that isn't fair to her. On the other hand, why should I feel guilty for telling her that I'm not going on these trips because she makes ME feel uncomfortable?
I'm having an internal struggle and I need to tell her soon that I am not going and why.
All of that being said, what are your thoughts on me sending her an email or telling her over the phone that I'm not going? I've been trying to wait until she's sober to tell her, but time is running out and that doesn't seem like it will be happening any time soon.
I'd appreciate any thoughts you might have on the subject and appreciate your time and suggestions.
My mom is an alcoholic. She goes through spurts of sobriety, but lately it seems she is drinking a lot more frequently. She binges and when she tries to get sober she has episodes of hallucinations, vomiting, shaking, etc. She knows that I will only accept her calls if she is sober (or, the alternative, getting sober to make sure she's alive).
The problem that I'm facing is that we go on a few annual trips together. These trips are for her work and I go to help her out. I've been going/helping for as long as I can remember. I enjoyed the trips because we got to spend time together. Now though, I'm dreading it. For the past few years, she's hid her drinking. She'll go into the bathroom and pretend to be showering/changing and will come out a completely different person. It makes me very uncomfortable.
About two years ago, I set some boundaries in place. One of those bondaries was that I will not tolerate being anywhere near her if she's actively drinking. If I go to her house and she's been drinking, I leave. If I talk to her on the phone and can hear in her voice that she's drunk, I end the conversation. Now I have these trips coming up. If she drinks, I don't have an easy way to enforce my boundary (I can't leave because we drive together and the location is eight hours away).
That being said, I've come to the conclusion that I am going to tell her that I am not going on the trips this year because I'm in a good place right now and I feel that by going, I am enabling her. I have been having a "conversation" in my head about approaching the subject with her and to be honest, I am petrified to tell her. I'm carrying around a lot of guilt, hurt, etc. over this and that's the ACoA in me. I've considered sending her a letter, or an email, or doing it over the phone, but I feel like that isn't fair to her. On the other hand, why should I feel guilty for telling her that I'm not going on these trips because she makes ME feel uncomfortable?
I'm having an internal struggle and I need to tell her soon that I am not going and why.
All of that being said, what are your thoughts on me sending her an email or telling her over the phone that I'm not going? I've been trying to wait until she's sober to tell her, but time is running out and that doesn't seem like it will be happening any time soon.
I'd appreciate any thoughts you might have on the subject and appreciate your time and suggestions.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
You are worried about the vacation when you should be worried about her life.
The withdrawals you are describing are severe, known as DTs or delirium tremens. Hers are not quite full blown, but close:
Delirium tremens - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
As you can see by the article, these have a 35% mortality rate if untreated. This means that if she has 3 more of these, she will likely die.
So you need to get her an intervention or do something.
Sorry to be a hard ass on this subject but I came pretty close to dying of this myself.
The withdrawals you are describing are severe, known as DTs or delirium tremens. Hers are not quite full blown, but close:
Delirium tremens - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
As you can see by the article, these have a 35% mortality rate if untreated. This means that if she has 3 more of these, she will likely die.
So you need to get her an intervention or do something.
Sorry to be a hard ass on this subject but I came pretty close to dying of this myself.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 25
dgillz - I appreciate your reply. I've tried to do everything that I can/could to get her help (intervention, counseling, dialing 911... you name it, I've tried it). At this point, I feel completely hopeless. I am preparing myself for the worst and fully expect her to die from the withdrawals and all the issues that come with it. As sad as it is to admit, I'm trying to prepare myself in every possible way for what seems inevitable and it hurts me to my very core to sit back and watch her kill herself and not be able to do a thing about it.
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Originally Posted by littlebrr 
On the other hand, why should I feel guilty for telling her that I'm not going on these trips because she makes ME feel uncomfortable?
You are not responsible for her choices - end of story.
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Originally Posted by littlebrr
As sad as it is to admit, I'm trying to prepare myself in every possible way for what seems inevitable and it hurts me to my very core to sit back and watch her kill herself and not be able to do a thing about it.
I don't see or talk to my mother, anymore, btw, because I can't handle the destruction anymore.
Anyway, when I have to tell my mother something, I tell her directly either f2f or over the phone. It allows more give and take.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: James Island, SC
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Originally Posted by dgillz
You are worried about the vacation when you should be worried about her life.
.
.
littlebrr has surely worried her(?)self sick for far too long already. She(?) doesn't need a guilt trip. It sounds like she is acting completely appropriately.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
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Originally Posted by AbsentFriend
WOAH. Take this response with a grain of salt. Only another alcoholic would tell someone that they are responsible for saving an alcoholic's life.
Imagine the "guilt trip" she/he would go on if mom died and she/he never realized how serious it was.
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Littlebrr,
One of the signs that, in my life, indicated I'd begun to become healthy was when I trusted my gut and stopped doing the things I'd always done, hoping it would be "just like old times."
Unless you have an exit strategy on these trips, I would suggest that you're right not to go. It's not likely at all to be the fun nostalgic thing you remembered; there's an elephant in the room that no one is talking about.
With my alcoholic sisters, I found it was a tremendous personal relief to get my feelings in writing and send it to them -- that I loved them, that I knew they had a problem I couldn't help them with, and that I was hoping and praying they'd find a way back to health because I wanted them to be around for a long, long time. Although both of them had admitted they had a problem and had sought help, I had no expectations that it would change their behavior, but it's something I had to say. It helped me.
I think you sound like a strong and capable person who can find a way to express the love and helplessness you feel for your mom without enabling her alcoholism. You did not cause this, you can't control it, you can't cure it, but you can take steps to say the things that might be damaging you inside by keeping them bottled up. AND you can protect yourself, by not putting yourself at the mercy of someone who simply isn't willing (yet) to control her drinking.
Sending you hugs and strength to get though this
One of the signs that, in my life, indicated I'd begun to become healthy was when I trusted my gut and stopped doing the things I'd always done, hoping it would be "just like old times."
Unless you have an exit strategy on these trips, I would suggest that you're right not to go. It's not likely at all to be the fun nostalgic thing you remembered; there's an elephant in the room that no one is talking about.
With my alcoholic sisters, I found it was a tremendous personal relief to get my feelings in writing and send it to them -- that I loved them, that I knew they had a problem I couldn't help them with, and that I was hoping and praying they'd find a way back to health because I wanted them to be around for a long, long time. Although both of them had admitted they had a problem and had sought help, I had no expectations that it would change their behavior, but it's something I had to say. It helped me.
I think you sound like a strong and capable person who can find a way to express the love and helplessness you feel for your mom without enabling her alcoholism. You did not cause this, you can't control it, you can't cure it, but you can take steps to say the things that might be damaging you inside by keeping them bottled up. AND you can protect yourself, by not putting yourself at the mercy of someone who simply isn't willing (yet) to control her drinking.
Sending you hugs and strength to get though this
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: St. Louis, MO
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GiveLove - Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement. Whenever I read your replies to various posts, I always feel empowered. You have a great way of making things make sense and I seem to walk away having an "ah ha!" moment.
This week seems like a "good week" for mom meaning that she's as close to sober as she's been in a while. I am planning on having a good, face to face talk with her this weekend as I feel that I am now prepared to do so. I need to get this monkey off my back so that I can continue my journey.
This week seems like a "good week" for mom meaning that she's as close to sober as she's been in a while. I am planning on having a good, face to face talk with her this weekend as I feel that I am now prepared to do so. I need to get this monkey off my back so that I can continue my journey.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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I need to get this monkey off my back so that I can continue my journey.
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