Roles in an Alcoholic Family
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I've always been the scapegoat and the lost child. Always too rebellious to be the enabler, and could never the hero even if I became president. I don't have much of a relationship with my FOO. My husband, kids, and friends are my family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
I have been all of these roles at one time or another. 
Sometimes growing up caused me to switch roles. For example, when I left for college my codependent caregiving days ended. When I was nearing graduation and it was clear I was not moving back, there was a lot of confusion about how they could stick me back in a role. My sibling acted out quite a bit when I got married, so maybe she was struggling with my joy and dropping all the roles as I left to create my own life. Of course I married a future A.... Oops.
I've found when I work at disrupting my 'role' with recovery that chaos ensues in the sense of the players are a bit mystified with me.
For example, something bad happened to a pet. Instead of getting all tripped out on cost, worst case scenarios, and weren't you an idiot to get a designer pet, I just said, I'm sorry. Talk about truncating the usual wind up and hysteria... My family member was speechless. What does one do with a well meant statement if empathy?
But I did escape their clutches. I pray to my HP that I'll never ever ever have to live in my hometown again.
Sometimes growing up caused me to switch roles. For example, when I left for college my codependent caregiving days ended. When I was nearing graduation and it was clear I was not moving back, there was a lot of confusion about how they could stick me back in a role. My sibling acted out quite a bit when I got married, so maybe she was struggling with my joy and dropping all the roles as I left to create my own life. Of course I married a future A.... Oops.I've found when I work at disrupting my 'role' with recovery that chaos ensues in the sense of the players are a bit mystified with me.
For example, something bad happened to a pet. Instead of getting all tripped out on cost, worst case scenarios, and weren't you an idiot to get a designer pet, I just said, I'm sorry. Talk about truncating the usual wind up and hysteria... My family member was speechless. What does one do with a well meant statement if empathy?
But I did escape their clutches. I pray to my HP that I'll never ever ever have to live in my hometown again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
Holy. Crap.
Almost every single word is me. Even the distancing from the rest of my family and marrying an alcoholic. The only difference is that it was made very clear that achievements do not make me special and there is nothing I can ever or will ever do that will make me special. I swear I was raised by a dry drunk.
Hero
- high achiever; takes focus off the alcoholic because of his/her success; perfectionist; feels inadequate; compulsive; can become a workaholic
- alcohol bestows this role onto the individual whose accomplishments compensate for the alcoholic's behavior
- often the oldest child who may see more of the family’s situation and feels responsible for fixing the family pain
- child excels in academics, athletics, music or theatre
- gets self worth from being "special"
- rest of family also gets self worth ("we can't be that bad if one of us is successful") -> his/her deeds assure the family that their definition is more than alcohol
- hero does not receive attention for anything besides an achievement; therefore, inner needs are not met
- he/she loses the ability to feel satisfied by whatever feat he/she has manifested
- as things get worse, the hero is driven to higher and higher levels of achievement. No level of super responsible, perfectionist, over achievement can remove the hero’s internalized feelings of inadequacy, pain, and confusion
- many others grow up to become workaholics and live under constant stress as they work in the service of others seeking approval for their extraordinary effort
- they often end up distancing themselves from their family of origin
- interestingly, many family heroes grow to marry alcoholics and become enablers
Hero's purpose: to raise the esteem of the family.
- high achiever; takes focus off the alcoholic because of his/her success; perfectionist; feels inadequate; compulsive; can become a workaholic
- alcohol bestows this role onto the individual whose accomplishments compensate for the alcoholic's behavior
- often the oldest child who may see more of the family’s situation and feels responsible for fixing the family pain
- child excels in academics, athletics, music or theatre
- gets self worth from being "special"
- rest of family also gets self worth ("we can't be that bad if one of us is successful") -> his/her deeds assure the family that their definition is more than alcohol
- hero does not receive attention for anything besides an achievement; therefore, inner needs are not met
- he/she loses the ability to feel satisfied by whatever feat he/she has manifested
- as things get worse, the hero is driven to higher and higher levels of achievement. No level of super responsible, perfectionist, over achievement can remove the hero’s internalized feelings of inadequacy, pain, and confusion
- many others grow up to become workaholics and live under constant stress as they work in the service of others seeking approval for their extraordinary effort
- they often end up distancing themselves from their family of origin
- interestingly, many family heroes grow to marry alcoholics and become enablers
Hero's purpose: to raise the esteem of the family.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
I think I was the lost child for a while. Maybe I dabbled in the hero stuff? But, there were several of us making the family look good (dentist here, pilot there, teacher, researcher, etc).
Now, I could imagine that I have the scapegoat role. It makes sense since that's the only way the family image will stay intact is to say that thotful is just plain wrong.
Now, I could imagine that I have the scapegoat role. It makes sense since that's the only way the family image will stay intact is to say that thotful is just plain wrong.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
I re-read the thread earlier and realized that most of us are more than one, sorry. It was a bit depressing actually. It seems that many or most people do not recover.
It's probably because we are talking about our entire lives not some specific event? No matter how much progress is made it can be wiped away again easily (my .02)
It's probably because we are talking about our entire lives not some specific event? No matter how much progress is made it can be wiped away again easily (my .02)
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