darkhunter76

Hi dothi,

Thank you for asking about us.
Well, for me, I've dropped the Guilt I have carried around on my shoulders and it feels so good. Ive also just been focusing on myself and not worrying about my mother. My sister and I have also spent more time together and I'm really enjoying it..just so we can get out of the house more, etc.

But I have just done something..and I think its for the best..But i just don't want to make the situation worse. My mother had a really good friend that moved to Calgary a couple years ago..and they talk at least once a day..very close I think. Anyway, her friend e-mailed me asking how my Mother was REALLY doing...(recently it's been getting very bad at work because of job cuts and things..so i asked my mom is it really worth staying there..but she says its good money..) And..i felt that i needed to open up to her (plus she's in calgary so what harm will it do) I told her how my moms life is pretty much work and how she has a drinking problem along with it. I wasn't trying to get revenge on my mom or anything for her drinking..I just felt that someone needed to know..Do you think it was a good thing to do? I asked her not to mention it to my mother b/c I really think she wouldn't be impressed..But I know her friend truly cares about her as much as my sister and I do..

dothi

Yes, it was good thing. Breaking the rule of silence that often goes unspoken with an alcoholic parent can feel both liberating and like betrayal. There's a strong stigma in society about speaking ill of your parents that many of us find difficult to overcome; we are taught to respect our parents because they take care of us and gave us life.

However, family is not an excuse for abuse or neglect, and often this stigma prevents us from speaking up in the first place. Of course you don't need to tell the whole world, but you do need to be able to acknowledge this problem with your family and close friends. It is their support - not their ignorance - that will help you overcome the difficulties your mom's drinking has created in your life. It's all about learning to balance your needs, and it sounds like you and your sister are doing very well!

darkhunter76

Hi everyone, back here again.
I recently went to check my bank account online but I can view my moms account as well. Her account is listed above mine and I accidentally clicked on it. I couldn't help but look at where her money is going and I saw her spend 70 dollars twice in one week for LCBO. I am so so angry, because she freaked out when we spent 8 dollars on grapes the other day meanwhile she is spending 70 dollars and more on ALCOHOL?! I am so angry.

She thinks I'm just "PMS"-ing but I am really trying to debate on wether I should question her about this or not.

Thoughts?

dolce7dolore

I can totally relate to being angry about how much my parents spend on alcohol/cigarettes. For years I made it obvious where I stood, I calculated how much they spent. It was always, "well, we don't go out and do anything, so that's why we spend it on alcohol." Such a sorry excuse. Honestly, the amount they spend on beer and cigarettes a year could almost entirely pay for my college tuition each semester. Yes, I've calculated it.

What I've come to accept is the fact that the alcoholic will stop at nothing to get the alcohol. They could be out of food, and still they will find a way to buy the alcohol. They will put our needs aside to get the alcohol. It's not something they can control.

ilytoo

Well, 2 years later and I'm here AGAIN.

My sister (darkhunter) and me (ilytoo) have grown quite a bit. But, things between my mother and us....haven't changed at ALL. We have confronted her and told her that her drinking is out of hand but, that only stopped her for a week. My dad wonder's why I get so mad at my mom, I tell him "well, haven't you noticed? mom is drunk-", he only responds with "She's been good for a week, give her a break!"

I just want to scream sometimes! A week isn't good enough! My sister and I are NOT happy. My sister has moved out now, but she still notices it and she worries about me.
It's been like this for so long, I really have no idea what I should do - my sister and I are just stumped, completely. I have so many stories that makes me feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I don't want to go crazy on my parents - but, I feel like i have to sometimes.

Goldberry

Hi Ilytoo, I have been reading this 2 yr old post from you and your older sister and was glad to see you post 2 years later with an update. I'm so sorry things have not gotten better with your mom. I also have a mom who drinks wine and starts pretty much every morning/afternoon. I have also seen her get worse and was so worried. I have since learned that this is a progressive disease and unless your mom seeks help in the form of rehab or AA she will not get better, only worse. It's sad but they are choosing the alcohol over everyone else or the hope of getting healed.

The people here 2 years ago gave you some wonderful support and advice. I hope you go back over it and read it again being a little older, some of it may resonate with you more. Have you two gone to Ala-teen meetings or called Ala-non for some help? I would encourage you to do this, as said previously, so you will get more support and learn some tools to help you cope and deal with your home life. It's true you do not have to share or talk at these meetings unless you feel led to. Just listening to what others say can help you relate to your parents and most importantly help you deal with your own feelings bringing peace to your heart.

Even more important is how much God is involved in your life and loves you. Most of us don't even realize this at first because our lives are so crazy. But by praying and giving God your burdens you will learn how to release to Him your situation trusting Him to take care of it in His way and timing. How freeing and what peace comes when we let go of our frustrations, anger, bitterness etc... He tells us in the Bible to trust Him and not lean on our own understanding... The insaneness of alcoholism is definitely hard to understand and cope with. One saying from Ala-non is Let go and let God... meaning just what I said before. Give all your cares to His control and try not to fix it yourself (which you can't). If you let Him take it on, you will have His peace that passes all understanding.
Take care now and God bless

hope2be

Thanks to all you young adults that are posting. It gives me such great insight as to not only what I lived through as an ACOA, but also what my adult children went through in a dysfunctional family.
Please keep posting to get feedback and support. You all are such smart cookies for reaching out...something that was very taboo when I was growing up.
Keep on sharing your feelings...they are neither good nor bad, just feelings. I'm so proud that you are able to open up to this group.
In my thoughts and prayers....

darkhunter76

Hi Everyone.

Just looking back on this post..I am so thankful for all of your support when I was really desperate for help. So thank you.

I am now going through another rough patch. I have since moved out of my parents house which has really helped me escape for a bit. But my sister is still at home (something I feel guilty for) and my relationship with my parents is not any better. I would say worse. My mom is still a functioning alcoholic. She has recently hit rock bottom a couple months ago due to her brother being admitted to a psych ward..which led to her having major anxiety issues and her drinking didn't help either. I ended up going with her to the family doctor to get her under control and working on her drinking was a part of it. A couple months later of supporting my mom she went back to drinking again. From that moment I have been going down a endless tunnel it seems...and I started to feel like how I felt during high-school (just very low.) So I recently went to my Family Doctor and asked for counselling.

The counselor and I immediately clicked which was a relief as reaching out when I was younger always failed and was a huge disappointment. We talked for a bit about how I need help coping with my alcoholic mother and how I can start taking care of myself/my sister. At the end of our talk he encouraged me to talk to the doctor about Anti-Depressants as I have severe social anxiety and mild depression which seems to be from my childhood. That hit me like a ton of bricks. He also wanted me to consider writing a letter or email to my mom letting her know how I feel as a last try kind of thing..and then to work on letting go..have a "loving detachment" from my mom. I have my appointment with the Doctor this week about the meds and I'm really working myself up over it. I'm sad, angry and relieved at the same time about being diagnosed with SA & depression. Sad because..no one wants to hear that..angry because well..why me? why did I have to deal with my parents..why did they want kids if they were going to treat them so ******? and relieved to know that how i feel like i don't fit in, how i just feel pure dread all the time..makes perfect sense now. Hopefully i can start working on myself so I can be healthy emotionally and physically for my future but it's just absolutely terrifying facing my fears and my past and trying to work it all out. So scary. A part of me just wants to say "you know what, you are totally over reacting..just stop going to the counselor..and deal with it". But I'm trying real hard not to listen to that voice.

Has anyone else been down this road? any advice?

Kialua

Wow welcome back! Sorry things haven't improved with your Mom and Dad. Though they rarely do. I had an alcoholic Dad, lived at home till 18. My sister was still there for another 4 years. Loving detachement is really the needed answer. If there is any way you can have your sister to get her out of there all the better. I went to my sisters every weekend and my other sisters during summer. Please feel free to read my blog, it has much about growing up and finding my freedom from this anxiety. I think forgiveness plays a big part in being stable, not only forgiving parents but even God for putting you into such a mess. And then finding your higher power, mine is Jesus and traditional Christianity.

I'm glad you found a counselor that you like. You didn't mention if you found a support group yet? I haven't had any experience with taking meds save for one bout of panic attacks for which I was prescribed Valium. After my sister was finally out of the house I think it all calmed down for me, that and relying on my higher power. You probably don't feel equipped to take care of your sister but if she had the weekend to look forward to, it would help a lot. Just watch her like a hawk so she doesn't use the opportunity to start to party herself, that's what happened with my little sister, and even myself when I went to my older sisters. But we are what we learn, and no one had anything different to teach me. Hopefully now that you are searching you will have more than partying to teach her. Good luck, keep us informed.

darkhunter76

Thank you for your advice and it's nice to know how similar our situation is. Thank you for sharing. I do always check in on my sister and she knows I will always be there for her. I feel like I'm pretty much her parent. We also make sure we have hang outs on weekends when we can as well. She has a great head on her shoulders and doesn't drink/do drugs either.

I haven't been so keen on a support group (other then browsing forums) as I really don't feel comfortable being in a group setting. I went with the counselor because, even though talking to 1 stranger about my personal life is bad enough, I would rather 1 then 10. He did mention al-non meetings and I did consider it but it's something I'll work towards. With the forgiveness part, I am not even close yet. Not to my parents, not to myself..I hold a lot of grudges and that's something else I'll be working through. Ohhh boy do I have a super long road ahead of me lol.

Kialua

Yes it is a long road, but you decide the pace. That's where the support group comes in. Alanon and ACoA have the tools to help you deal with this. Without it you are walking in the dark, you will eventually bump into something but who knows what it's going to be. The counselor is a huge step!

Have you picked up the ACoA book yet, and have you read through the stickies above? They have a wealth of information that is hard to capsulize here. That's great you take care of your sister, good for you.

I've found most people to be very supportive once I've told them. There is nothing to be ashamed of having more people know. If you think people will look down on you then they aren't worth knowing anyway. I don't lead with it mind you but it is an integral part of who we are and it's not hidden without consequence. I hope you at least love yourself enough to help yourself. Truth can and will set you free, the truth about your parents and the truth about how it's hurting you.

farfaraway

Sorry your parents having been able to work through their problems. A lot of similarities to my upbringing, especially the screaming and constant anxiety and never knowing how a parent will respond to a simple question or conversation...

It tore my family apart though. I'm 31 now and I never talk to my sister. Hardly ever speak to my brother either. There is no bond at all. Too much competition for positive attention, too many times having to deflect negative attention to them to save my own butt. I haven't got much to add other than I think it's super that you two sisters are so close! It's great that you two have each other to lean on. Don't let your parents' problems get in the way of that!

Hang in there!

NWGRITS

This is all so familiar, only my father left my AM when I was three because of her drinking. Back in those days dads didn't get custody, so I've never faulted him for that. Anywho, I'm almost 30 and I wasn't able to break free from AM's house until I was 27. I always stayed at home with my kids to help take care of my grandmother, who always has and probably always will refuse to leave AM's side. I just went completely No Contact with AM a little over two months ago. You have control over the pace at which you heal from your childhood. I did the first three Steps of Al-Anon pretty quickly, but the rest took more time. Especially Step 8 and Step 9. Making amends with AM would require talking to her in some form, and I'm not there yet. She needs her one year of sobriety before I'll even consider it (there's a backstory here involving her putting my kids' lives in danger), and she doesn't even have one day yet. You can PM me if you want, and we can chitchat there. I will recommend another book to you which was so incredibly helpful for me in just coping with my childhood: My Mama's Waltz: A book for daughters of alcoholic mothers. I know you say you'd rather one person than ten in a room, but I am still going to recommend Al-Anon to you. You aren't judged there. Nothing leaves the room. We're all there to support each other, and we don't push people to share or do a group hug if they don't want to. You can control the pace of your involvement in Al-Anon just like any other aspect of your recovery. Just a thought.