Bamboozle

Hello...I don't frequent this side of SR, but I need to today.

I am an alcoholic...so is my father.

I got into a bad fight with him last night...he always knows what to say to get under my skin and really peev me off. I was becoming violent last night....not towards people, but there was a lot of screaming and throwing of things.

I am in the early period of sobriety...I'm still sober today (48 days).

I don't understand. Why does he feel the need to pick a fight with me? Is he ever going to grow up? Heh...he always says that about me, but I'm not the one going out of my way to **** him off.

I was doing so well.

I am so tired of walking on eggshells around him. It's hard to tell if a simple "hello" will get a negative response anymore.

I am living in the same house with him and cannot move out right now (I have a feeling I'm going to have to look for a place even though I cannot afford it at all).

Some would say he doesn't drink enough to be an alcoholic, but I am well familiar with the behavior that defines an alcoholic. It's like clockwork...he comes home after work, knocks back a few, gorges himself on food, then retires to his bedroom to sleep. He's been doing this for as long as I can remember....I'm in my late 20's.

dothi

So you're working at sobriety and have admitted you have a problem, whereas your father hasn't. I suspect picking a fight with you is his way of proving that in spite of your "high and mighty" choices, you haven't changed. He's sabatoging you, and the goal is the self-doubt you're sharing with us now. IMO he's trying to pull you back into the alcoholic fold. He keeps harping, you lose confidence and give up, and presto! Everyone is "happy" and drinking again.

You're still doing so well. How is it just terrible of you to react after obvious and disrespectful baiting? I imagine your father persisted until he "won". How well-armed are you supposed to be walking into a battle that the other person is fully prepared to engage?

Is there any way you can plan to be out of the house when he is home? Just to minimize contact?

tromboneliness

Dothi gave you a great answer -- but I would add, do you go to Al-Anon? That helped me a lot, in the "Bad Old Days" when I was living with an active alcoholic. What happens is that your dad can't fight with you if you don't fight back. If you can detach from his cr*p, he can say whatever nonsense he wants, but it won't get under your skin. You'll have to develop your own way of handling it, whether it's just to shrug, stand there and listen, say, OK, yeah, whatever, or take off and go to a meeting whenever he starts in. But there is no way he can fight with you if you let it roll off and refuse to be engaged. Or at least that's more or less how it worked for me. One person standing there and fighting, while the other puts on the Teflon™, and he'll find it doesn't work anymore.

T

Kallista

As one alchoholic to another -- You need to work on your own stuff right now. Avoid your father as much as possible. Be polite. Refuse to fight with him. Go about your business.
Work on developing resources to make you self-reliant, so that you can move out if he gets too starchy.

What people have said about an alcoholic parent picking fights when a kid gets sober is spot on. When I got sober, my mother did everything she could to get me to drink and use again. Ignoring her and getting on with my life was the best solution to that.

Bamboozle

Thanks for your replies, everyone.

I'm still sober right now. I went to work and logged onto SR after getting something to eat. I'm going to try to take it easy tonight.

I'm going to avoid him as much as possible. I don't have many friends or a social life (I've been keeping to myself), so there's not many options for leaving in the evening. I went for a walk last night to help me to cool off, though.


I know I'm complaining here, but I have to get this out. He's one of those people who picks out other peoples's faults while completely ignoring his own, and if you happen to call him on that, he gets extremely upset and says things like, "Don't you lecture me!"

Okay, complaining over.

I'm going to have to make an effort to keep my mouth shut AND walk away the next time it happens. It's hard for me to do, but I'm going to have to do it.

Thanks again, people. I feel a little more sane after reading your posts.

Bamboozle

Wow...two days later, and FINALLY my reasoning kicks in.

It was hard to hear from him that I'm lazy, that I don't want to work hard to move on...I believed him.

It occurred to me in the shower...

...I'm not just trying to stay sober...

...I'm trying to renovate my life.


It's more than just about being sober...I'm going to have to address my food issues AND I'm going to have to take care of my mental health.

I need to do these things to be stable enough to become self-sufficient so I can move on to find happiness and peace….I want life satisfaction.

I can only tackle one issue at a time...and I have to crawl before I can run.

I am making positive changes in my life and it’s ludicrous to expect that everything will change overnight. I know this, but my father doesn’t………..so who cares what he thinks. I’m going to keep on keeping on at a pace I can handle by taking care of these things one at a time. He opens his mouth with his criticism…I will walk away.

Thank you everyone for being here. SR and the people of SR are my rock.

dothi

Nice. This is exactly what distancing is all about.

Even just moving out from under your father, and into a self-regulated environment of your own, will make you feel like it's a fresh start. The absence of all that negative talk will feel like a weight lifted. Good luck!

guiab

It sounds tough living with your dad, and it is definitely putting your recovery at risk. You have to focus on your recovery. I read a really good post in one of these forums that stated (roughly): My recovery is my number one priority, above my job and my family, because without recovery and sobriety I will lose both.
If you set yourself a goal of being in your own place, in maybe 3 months, the fact that you have a goal can help you maintain your sanity and keep you motivated and progressing in recovery.