putnam79

Hi everyone, I'm new here and have never really talked about any of this stuff on any kind of board. Anyway, here's my situation: I have the world's greatest mom... when she's sober. When she drinks, she turns into a completely different person and can be truly nasty and mean. She's been struggling with alcoholism for the past 20 years (ever since she found out my father had been cheating on her for a long time). She recently got sober for four months, and I was so incredibly happy, but just recently she's relapsed. I am so torn and don't know what to do because I don't know if I should detach myself emotionally or run to her house and calm her down everytime she drinks. I'm 28 years old, and I live with my husband very nearby, and everytime she's upset and drinks, I feel this responsibility to go over there and help her. It's tearing me apart, though. I can't bare the stress of trying to constantly calm her down, and I can't bare the stress of wondering when she's going to call me needing help. I love her so incredibly much, and everytime she's sober, the thought of detaching myself seems crazy because she's so wonderful when she doesn't drink. It's just really hard to get through so many ups and downs with her. Her behavior is so unpredictable. The other piece is that I have a teenage sister living at home, and I feel a need to protect her and calm things down for her sake. Thank you for reading this and letting me vent.

escape artist

Hi Putnam. It sounds to me like you are experiencing codependent tendencies which many of us here are very familiar with. I would suggest you go the the family and friends of alcoholics section here and first start reading all the stickies at the top of the forum, you will find a wealth of information to help you start your "recovery" of dealing with your sick mother. you will find out about detaching, letting go and letting God, and how to take care of yourself which in turn actually helps your mother get better. Read all you can. Keep posting and Welcome! to Sober Recovery!

Kallista

My mother is an alcoholic and an addict. I can tell you what my experience is. The feeling of helplessness is really frustrating. Sometimes when I see my mother, I have this overwhelming feeling of love. I see her and think "My beautiful Mom." I often blame myself when she's acting like an addict or a drunk. I know that it's not my fault, but I can't help feeling like there's something wrong with me, or my relationship with my mother wouldn't be so effed up. I often feel like if I was a better daughter, I would find a way to help her get better.

I spent such a long time waiting for my mother to be the Good Mom and be in a real relationship with me. Two years ago, I finally did an intervention with her and she got sober for around 14 months. Then she went back out.

When she went back out, I leveled with her again. During that conversation, she said "I never hurt you out of malice." My response was "No, you just didn't care if what you did hurt anyone else." She didn't have a response to that.

She also told me that she intended to continue to use opiates. She said "They're like candy to me. I love them. I'm not quitting."

It was a very honest conversation, but brutal. She expressed very clearly that her pleasure was more important to her than any effect it had on me or my kids or the rest of the family.

I'm not in a relationship with my mother anymore. She doesn't want to quit drugs and I don't want to be in a relationship with an addict. There's nothing to do.

Kallista

Can you offer your sister a couch to sleep on, rather than trying to calm your mother down?

This could help your sister learn some self-care, too. Ie. if she sees that her mother is drunk, she can just say, "Mom, I'm going to stay at Sis's house tonight." She'll learn to take care of herself, rather than learning to take care of the drunk.

Lenore

I can relate to the feeling of having a little sister at home and wanting to make things better for her. I think Kallista has a great idea though, as it could help you both to spend some time together in a healthy environment and give you both some "time off".

Welcome to Sober Recovery, I hope you find lots of support here

guiab

Putnam,
Welcome to SR! You will get lots of help here.
Are you attending any alanon meetings? The face-to-face with people who know what it is like can be very helpful.
Kallista is 100% right - As much as you want to help your mom, only she can make the decision to get better. Now this is the hard part - when you go over to calm her down you are also enabling her addiction. Alcoholism has a script that requires all attention be focused on the alcoholic and the needs of spouses, children, and friends are relegated to trivial unimportance. Often, sickness makes one relish good health and thankful for the helpful people around them. This is not so with alcoholism. That is just how it works - there is no good or evil involved.
Focus on yourself and your sister. Your mom knows you care, and you can make that very clear without enabling, but you have to set some boundaries to show that you intend to preserve your own sanity.

jenn03

I can so relate to what you are saying!! My mom was an alcoholic for years, and for years I enabled her problem. I ADORED my mother, she was my best friend for a loooong time, even in the drinking. She moved from TX to AZ when I was 17. She and my dad had split up, so she went to live with her alcoholic cousin, and took my two baby sisters. A year later, she went to rehab and I was so happy! I flew out there to show support the weekend she got out. And when she relasped I MOVED out there so I could handle her life for her while she focused on recovery... I tried everything I could and she choose the alcohol. My youngest sister had moved in with me while I was there, and after confronting our mom for the last time, we packed up and moved back to TX. My mom and I didn't have a relationship after that. She passed away last month from the disease, and I can honestly say that I KNOW I did all I could. It was her disease, her choices. Of course I still have days were guilt starts trying to play mind games with me, but I told myself when I went to AZ, that I was going to try one last time, so that when she died, I knew I did all I could. I tried, it didn't work, and I am at peace.I have continued on with my life, my recovery and am raising my kids to be happy, healthy individuals.

It is possible to break out of the cycle you are in now. The best thing you can do for your mom and your sister is to help yourself and grow in recovery. Be a safe place for your sister. But focus on you so that you can be sane and strong enough to help her! I heard a GREAT analogy one time... When you are traveling on a plane, they tell you if the oxygen masks come down to put it on yourself first so you are not flairing around for air and THEN help others. If you are unable to get oxygen; you're no good to anyone.... If you don't take care of YOU, you are no good to your sister and your mom (when she is REALLY READY for help).

Welcome, I hope you find what you need!