So tired of this crap
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 19
So tired of this crap
Hi there. This is my first post to this site. I belong to an ACOA group in my area and I did call my sponsor tonight but still am reeling from my argument and looking for more expeerience strength and hope!!! So here is the long story and intro of myself.
My sister whom I used to live with borrowed the money to buy the house I now live in. I know big mistake. I have a history of bancruptcy so she decided to help me. I make the payments and everything else but she still stays in my business moneywise.
Well in Feb. I hurt my knee which months later I finally find out is a meniscal tear and possible tear of my medial tendon also. Well I got fired from my job in April for saying B---- about a patient as I was hanging up my phone after she had already chewed me a new one. (That is a whole other incident that I haven't gotten over, but anyway) So then I get a new job (I am a respiratory therapist) well my knee problem has acted up alot by my being on my feet alot lately but I keep on going. They said I would probably be out of work a month if I have arthroscopic surgery and I don't have the sick time or money to be out that long.
I don't make enough to really make my budget work even if I was good at managing one, so every time I bring up about working more my sister says things. Now she knows I need to do this but then she always finds something critical to say about my attempts. Now this coupled with the fact that she works extra and lets me have it because she works extra and I don't. Well when I said something about applying for a job with an agency to pick up some extra time at some hospitals that were a little bit of a distance from where I live. Now I can only go by what another therapist and my 23 previous years of work experience in R.T. have taught me to go by. But she told me I didn't know what I was talking about and that the wear and tear on my vehicle would be too much. Now all I said was that the other person told me about a couple of places where the workload was not heavy. Now I worked at one of the facilities she mentioned a few years ago and it was not as busy as some of the other facilities. Now if I have to work extra why not look for a place where I am on my feet less and could stand to make more money from it.
She has told me she is scared that because of my knee pain she is scared that I am going to quit or give up working all together. Now I know my track record is not pristine and never will be. I suffered a somewhat nervous meltdown 13 years ago and have fought depression and dissatisfaction every day of my life since.
It just frosts my cake that my sister can't be more supportive of me. I caretake her all the time of try to anyway. Usually when she decides to talk to me I try to listen and support her.
I hope you can make some sense out of what I have written. I am still such a people pleaser. I want her love, approval and support but she seems incapable of giving it to me. I am so scared of failing and then when we have these fights I either shut down or I want to act out either with food (yes I need OA too, went to my first meeting today) or go buy stuff.
After my divorce and when I moved in with her because of bancruptcy I just stayed home or worked. I lost contact with all my friends and even spent about 3 years out of ACOA meetings. So I don't really have a support network at all. That is why I am hoping that posting here will allow me to open up my world and support network even more. I cont. to go to meetings when I don't work but you can never have too many meetings.
So if anyone has anything to share I would really appreciate it. Thanks for listening (reading my post)
My sister whom I used to live with borrowed the money to buy the house I now live in. I know big mistake. I have a history of bancruptcy so she decided to help me. I make the payments and everything else but she still stays in my business moneywise.
Well in Feb. I hurt my knee which months later I finally find out is a meniscal tear and possible tear of my medial tendon also. Well I got fired from my job in April for saying B---- about a patient as I was hanging up my phone after she had already chewed me a new one. (That is a whole other incident that I haven't gotten over, but anyway) So then I get a new job (I am a respiratory therapist) well my knee problem has acted up alot by my being on my feet alot lately but I keep on going. They said I would probably be out of work a month if I have arthroscopic surgery and I don't have the sick time or money to be out that long.
I don't make enough to really make my budget work even if I was good at managing one, so every time I bring up about working more my sister says things. Now she knows I need to do this but then she always finds something critical to say about my attempts. Now this coupled with the fact that she works extra and lets me have it because she works extra and I don't. Well when I said something about applying for a job with an agency to pick up some extra time at some hospitals that were a little bit of a distance from where I live. Now I can only go by what another therapist and my 23 previous years of work experience in R.T. have taught me to go by. But she told me I didn't know what I was talking about and that the wear and tear on my vehicle would be too much. Now all I said was that the other person told me about a couple of places where the workload was not heavy. Now I worked at one of the facilities she mentioned a few years ago and it was not as busy as some of the other facilities. Now if I have to work extra why not look for a place where I am on my feet less and could stand to make more money from it.
She has told me she is scared that because of my knee pain she is scared that I am going to quit or give up working all together. Now I know my track record is not pristine and never will be. I suffered a somewhat nervous meltdown 13 years ago and have fought depression and dissatisfaction every day of my life since.
It just frosts my cake that my sister can't be more supportive of me. I caretake her all the time of try to anyway. Usually when she decides to talk to me I try to listen and support her.
I hope you can make some sense out of what I have written. I am still such a people pleaser. I want her love, approval and support but she seems incapable of giving it to me. I am so scared of failing and then when we have these fights I either shut down or I want to act out either with food (yes I need OA too, went to my first meeting today) or go buy stuff.
After my divorce and when I moved in with her because of bancruptcy I just stayed home or worked. I lost contact with all my friends and even spent about 3 years out of ACOA meetings. So I don't really have a support network at all. That is why I am hoping that posting here will allow me to open up my world and support network even more. I cont. to go to meetings when I don't work but you can never have too many meetings.
So if anyone has anything to share I would really appreciate it. Thanks for listening (reading my post)
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Hi srepty.Welcome to the forum.I can see you really have a lot going on with you right now and you made the right decision by calling your sponsor and choosing to talk about it.
Craving the love and approval of others is also part of my codependent behavior and I can understand what you mean about shutting down when it is'nt forthcoming.
Our learned behavior as children in a dysfunctional family can really have disasterous consequences in our adult life and we really need the support of others.I suggest that it would be a good idea to get back in touch with your Acoa group and get your support system going again.I know they can be of tremendous help during troubling times like these.
Take heart and dont beat yourself up too much for all the negative things that are going on.One characterisics we have as ACOA's is that we tend to punish ourselves without mercy.
In the meantime keep posting here and I am sure the others will come along soon to offer you some more feedback.
Craving the love and approval of others is also part of my codependent behavior and I can understand what you mean about shutting down when it is'nt forthcoming.
Our learned behavior as children in a dysfunctional family can really have disasterous consequences in our adult life and we really need the support of others.I suggest that it would be a good idea to get back in touch with your Acoa group and get your support system going again.I know they can be of tremendous help during troubling times like these.
Take heart and dont beat yourself up too much for all the negative things that are going on.One characterisics we have as ACOA's is that we tend to punish ourselves without mercy.
In the meantime keep posting here and I am sure the others will come along soon to offer you some more feedback.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome!
I have learned over the years to meet my own needs. If I am not getting the nurturing I want from someone else it is often not them but me. I have a hole so deep that it would be impossible for another person to fill it...so I fill it myself.Now that have stopped (for the most part) expecting nuturing from someone else,whenever I get it is feels like a gift.
Temp agencies are great places for work in the medical field. They often make more money than the regular employee's. I would do what I want and ignore my sister. As long as you make your mortgage it is none of her concern.
Hugs,
JT
I have learned over the years to meet my own needs. If I am not getting the nurturing I want from someone else it is often not them but me. I have a hole so deep that it would be impossible for another person to fill it...so I fill it myself.Now that have stopped (for the most part) expecting nuturing from someone else,whenever I get it is feels like a gift.
Temp agencies are great places for work in the medical field. They often make more money than the regular employee's. I would do what I want and ignore my sister. As long as you make your mortgage it is none of her concern.
Hugs,
JT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 19
Thanks Peter and Just Tired. I really do appreciate your feedback.
I did get up and go to a new meeting today and it was very good. Talked about Step 8 and although it talked about ammends I learned alot of new things. I learned especially sort of how to not be the victim by changing your actions or something like that. I had never thought of it like that.
Thanks JT about your comment on the agencies. I think I am going to go talk to them Wednesday. I do deserve and need to do what makes me feel good and happy and do what feels right to me. So thanks so much for the encouragement.
Srepty
I did get up and go to a new meeting today and it was very good. Talked about Step 8 and although it talked about ammends I learned alot of new things. I learned especially sort of how to not be the victim by changing your actions or something like that. I had never thought of it like that.
Thanks JT about your comment on the agencies. I think I am going to go talk to them Wednesday. I do deserve and need to do what makes me feel good and happy and do what feels right to me. So thanks so much for the encouragement.
Srepty
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Ohio, US
Posts: 50
Hey hun,
Just want to let you know that we are here for you. Go ahead and do what you want to. It may give you enough of a feeling of self that you no longer seek your sisters approval so much. It's worth a try. Do this for you! Good Luck!
Love you,
--Ångel
Just want to let you know that we are here for you. Go ahead and do what you want to. It may give you enough of a feeling of self that you no longer seek your sisters approval so much. It's worth a try. Do this for you! Good Luck!
Love you,
--Ångel
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 19
Hi everybody,
Ever the drama queen or so I've been told. My leg is hurting pretty bad agaain, still whatever you want to call it. So I tried to be honest as my boss asked me to be. I talked to him today to let him know I didn't know what was up but that the pain I am now having is new and different than it has been and that I was trying to get back in to see the Orthopaedic guy. I asked him that if I did in fact have to go ahead and have surgery what were my options for work. Couldn't I come back on light duty and maybe help out in the Medical Records Dept. filing or something. His reply was that typically the answer has been NO, to that and that people just took their time off. I reminded him I am not elligible for the short term or long term disability (you have to be there for a year for those) Well he said he doubted it but would check with human resources and let me know. Isn't it descrimination not to have a plan like that available especially being it's a hospital. Every place else I have worked that is what you did. You helped out in areas that didn't require lifting, bending or whatever til you could resume full duty. Does anyone have any ideas here? If so I'd really appreciate hearing them.
I usually get up at 5:30 but this morning I woke up hurting at 4:30 or so and never could get back to sleep plus had to take pain meds twice today to make it through.
Well I hope everyone is doing well and that life is treating you fairly. Take care!
Ever the drama queen or so I've been told. My leg is hurting pretty bad agaain, still whatever you want to call it. So I tried to be honest as my boss asked me to be. I talked to him today to let him know I didn't know what was up but that the pain I am now having is new and different than it has been and that I was trying to get back in to see the Orthopaedic guy. I asked him that if I did in fact have to go ahead and have surgery what were my options for work. Couldn't I come back on light duty and maybe help out in the Medical Records Dept. filing or something. His reply was that typically the answer has been NO, to that and that people just took their time off. I reminded him I am not elligible for the short term or long term disability (you have to be there for a year for those) Well he said he doubted it but would check with human resources and let me know. Isn't it descrimination not to have a plan like that available especially being it's a hospital. Every place else I have worked that is what you did. You helped out in areas that didn't require lifting, bending or whatever til you could resume full duty. Does anyone have any ideas here? If so I'd really appreciate hearing them.
I usually get up at 5:30 but this morning I woke up hurting at 4:30 or so and never could get back to sleep plus had to take pain meds twice today to make it through.
Well I hope everyone is doing well and that life is treating you fairly. Take care!
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
I don't believe that companies are required to provide light duty. And Medical Records would not be the place to do that. Those girls are all over the place and as far as bending...files are on that first low shelf too!
Perhaps you could put off fixing the knee until you would qualify for time off. My H has had a torn whatever you call it for years and never fixed it because he did not want to take the time off...construction. I don't recommend that...I tell him all the time to get it fixed...but I think it CAN wait if it has too.
Hugs,
JT
Perhaps you could put off fixing the knee until you would qualify for time off. My H has had a torn whatever you call it for years and never fixed it because he did not want to take the time off...construction. I don't recommend that...I tell him all the time to get it fixed...but I think it CAN wait if it has too.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: missouri
Posts: 95
Srepty,
I work in a hospital and sometimes people will donate their excess leave for you. I know not all places do that. Just a thought. Sometimes, when all seems lost, our higher power just takes over for us.
As for your sister, I hate to realize I have been in her shoes. Being a cosigner for a loan or something similar, just makes me sick with worry all the time. Am I going to be stuck with this? On and on, that is when I have to give it to my higher power. I think she means well and it sounds like she wants to fix you. (Just my opinion) I hate to lend people money, because then I start acting all self righteous. Yuck. I can't offer suggestions about how to deal with your sister, except maybe a mantra (spelling) or slogan will show itself to you for you to repeat to yourself when she is preaching at you.
It is hard to stay out of the food when you have all this stress, when decisions are weighing you down. Food is my drug of choice. Keep going to those OA
I work in a hospital and sometimes people will donate their excess leave for you. I know not all places do that. Just a thought. Sometimes, when all seems lost, our higher power just takes over for us.
As for your sister, I hate to realize I have been in her shoes. Being a cosigner for a loan or something similar, just makes me sick with worry all the time. Am I going to be stuck with this? On and on, that is when I have to give it to my higher power. I think she means well and it sounds like she wants to fix you. (Just my opinion) I hate to lend people money, because then I start acting all self righteous. Yuck. I can't offer suggestions about how to deal with your sister, except maybe a mantra (spelling) or slogan will show itself to you for you to repeat to yourself when she is preaching at you.
It is hard to stay out of the food when you have all this stress, when decisions are weighing you down. Food is my drug of choice. Keep going to those OA
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: missouri
Posts: 95
Srepty,
You know sometimes the hardest thing to do is wait. I work in a hospital and sometimes people will donate their excess leave for you. I know not all places do that. Just a thought. Sometimes, when all seems lost, our higher power just takes over for us.
As for your sister, I hate to realize I have been in her shoes. Being a cosigner for a loan or something similar, just makes me crazy and sick with worry all the time. Am I going to be stuck with this? On and on, that is when I have to give it to my higher power. I think she means well and it sounds like she wants to fix you. (Just my opinion) I hate to lend people money, because then I start acting all self righteous and crazy. Yuck. I can't offer suggestions about how to deal with your sister, except maybe a mantra (spelling) or slogan will show itself to you for you to repeat to yourself when she is preaching at you. I just know, I would hate to have to owe me anything.
It is hard to stay out of the food when you have all this stress, when decisions are weighing you down. Food is my drug of choice. Keep going to those OA meetings. Too bad we just couldn't give food up entirely.
You know sometimes the hardest thing to do is wait. I work in a hospital and sometimes people will donate their excess leave for you. I know not all places do that. Just a thought. Sometimes, when all seems lost, our higher power just takes over for us.
As for your sister, I hate to realize I have been in her shoes. Being a cosigner for a loan or something similar, just makes me crazy and sick with worry all the time. Am I going to be stuck with this? On and on, that is when I have to give it to my higher power. I think she means well and it sounds like she wants to fix you. (Just my opinion) I hate to lend people money, because then I start acting all self righteous and crazy. Yuck. I can't offer suggestions about how to deal with your sister, except maybe a mantra (spelling) or slogan will show itself to you for you to repeat to yourself when she is preaching at you. I just know, I would hate to have to owe me anything.
It is hard to stay out of the food when you have all this stress, when decisions are weighing you down. Food is my drug of choice. Keep going to those OA meetings. Too bad we just couldn't give food up entirely.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 19
Antreeta,
Trust me you were fine. My sponsor pretty much said just about the same thing you did. She deals with it with her son.
I know (my sister) means well and yes at times I know she wishes she could fix me, choke me or ignore me altogether. But she gets reeled in by the old habits just like the old habits are what keeps me stuck and in pain.
Ya know I worked today and it was such a busy crappy day. I came home and tried to make myself write (journal) but after 2 pages decided to get on here and get my mind off of it.
I wish I was better at setting boundaries and would have the courage in the face of adversity to do it anyway. I know I deserve to be happy, joyous and free, but I feel everything but that.
I don't know sometimes I feel like I have no concept of a work ethic. Or not really that just an aversion to work or being put upon maybe. Is this just another cop out.
Here's what I mean..... I know I need to work, as you'll already know I have bills to pay. I do okay but I get there and things are so busy and it's like you don't feel like you have time to go to the bathroom or even eat sometimes and then someone asks you to do one more thing or gets in your way of doing what you need to do and its like OH NO HERE GOES!!!!! Now I don't say anything (usually) (in the past was judged very harshly for saying anything) or if I do it usually comes out as sideways anger.
Sometimes I don't mind helping people out but when it puts me behind on my stuff or if I feel I have too much to do to begin with I seem to just dwell on it and magnify it
Plus I don't like myself much and I seem to run on empty so much of the time it isn't funny. I wrote in my journal that I just waant to be appreciated. Now sometimes healthcare is a rewarding job and other times it is a thankless one. Today it was thankless for sure.
Does anyone understand what I mean?
Thanks!
Trust me you were fine. My sponsor pretty much said just about the same thing you did. She deals with it with her son.
I know (my sister) means well and yes at times I know she wishes she could fix me, choke me or ignore me altogether. But she gets reeled in by the old habits just like the old habits are what keeps me stuck and in pain.
Ya know I worked today and it was such a busy crappy day. I came home and tried to make myself write (journal) but after 2 pages decided to get on here and get my mind off of it.
I wish I was better at setting boundaries and would have the courage in the face of adversity to do it anyway. I know I deserve to be happy, joyous and free, but I feel everything but that.
I don't know sometimes I feel like I have no concept of a work ethic. Or not really that just an aversion to work or being put upon maybe. Is this just another cop out.
Here's what I mean..... I know I need to work, as you'll already know I have bills to pay. I do okay but I get there and things are so busy and it's like you don't feel like you have time to go to the bathroom or even eat sometimes and then someone asks you to do one more thing or gets in your way of doing what you need to do and its like OH NO HERE GOES!!!!! Now I don't say anything (usually) (in the past was judged very harshly for saying anything) or if I do it usually comes out as sideways anger.
Sometimes I don't mind helping people out but when it puts me behind on my stuff or if I feel I have too much to do to begin with I seem to just dwell on it and magnify it
Plus I don't like myself much and I seem to run on empty so much of the time it isn't funny. I wrote in my journal that I just waant to be appreciated. Now sometimes healthcare is a rewarding job and other times it is a thankless one. Today it was thankless for sure.
Does anyone understand what I mean?
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: missouri
Posts: 95
I hate those days where you meet yourself coming and going. It sounds like you have overload. Too much, this patient needs a treatment and the doctor changed this order. On and on. I make sure now, I eat and take those bathroom breaks. One, I cannot think when I have to potty so bad and two, it gives me a chance to take care of me and not someone else. Look at those people, who religiously takes their breaks, they sometimes look selfish, but are they really? They know what they can handle. Plus, you do 12 hours shifts, I thought I read, those are just long. They wear you out and you have a bum knee right now. Be nice to yourself. Remember to lean on your higher power. Say the serentiy prayer or something along those lines when stress gets you. That is what helps me. Just keep practicing.
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