The real me?
 

Ok, this is probably what my first post should have been.

I am very glad that I have found this forum. It is helping me to realize that I truly am not alone.

I am 46 years old and have been married for 21 years to an alcoholic. We have a 13 year old daughter. She is the most important person in my world. When she was born I vowed not to repeat the cycle with her. We comfort each other when her Mom starts in on us.

I started seeing a counselor last Friday and was surprised how much I remembered in the first session, though it did run for two hours instead of just one. I don’t know if I had actually blocked the memories or was just trying to ignore them. I was holding myself responsible for things I had no control over.

I am the child of an alcoholic and was molested by an older brother when I was 8. He also molested my little sister and forced me to do the same. I was plagued by unspeakable perversions throughout the years that followed. As a result, I have battled my own addictions including alcohol, drugs, and sexual perversions. I have had to face some cold realities of the choices that I have made.

I recall, when I was 13, lying in bed at night crying. I was trying to choose a military academy to go to from the ads in the back of “Boy’s Life” magazine. I was convinced that I’d be better off anywhere but where I was. My dad had no words of love or praise. In fact we were told just how worthless we were on a regular basis. Belt lashings happened when he thought we deserved it. I considered suicide as a way out but never had the where with all to try it. I was using what alcohol I could get my hands on to escape.

The same brother that started my sexual perversions introduced me to drugs when I was 15. Marijuana has been my drug of choice ever since. Shortly afterwards I “ran away” from home, if you could call it that. I went to live with my oldest sister, but only after getting my dad’s permission. How’s that for seeking approval? I moved back a few months later with my dad’s offer to buy me a car.

I joined the Army when I was 17 after watching the relationship with my dad go from bad to worse. Running away was becoming a habit. Again, I had to have my dad’s permission and he would only let me join the reserves. That helped to mess up the 8 years I finally spent in the service, as I never got credit for time served in the reserve when it came time for promotions. I finally made Sergeant after 6 years. The beer and pot were taking their toll on my sense of well being. I thought that I was losing control of life and again considered suicide. I am thankful that I instead sought help and spent the next 6 months under voluntary incarceration for drug and alcohol rehab.

I have always had trouble with intimate relationships. And most of them were with abusive alcoholics that kept me in the place my dad had put me in. I met my wife when I got out of the Army and moved back home. It has been a roller coaster ride. I have yet to find the emotional support that I feel I need.

I have been out of work now for a year and a half. My wife has had several bouts with cancer over the years and is currently diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. Her doctor has given her 6 months to a year to live. I feel guilty that I am actually looking forward to her passing. I have an extreme lack of motivation. I drink very rarely. I enjoy a rum and eggnog when I am trimming the tree at Christmas. I rarely have a second one. I enjoy smoking pot when it is around, though I know no one where I live that deals. Occasionally my brother sends me some. I don’t miss it when I don’t have it, but over indulge when I do.

I hope to forgive myself for those things that I have done, though I have found no easy way to do that yet. I am hoping this counselor will be able to help me there. I am still struggling with loving “all” of me. I want to give my daughter the healthy dad she will need when her mom passes away.

Welcome,

You are heading in the right direction. Being aware is the first step to moving forward. I wouldn't feel guilty about your wife passing.I can identify. But when she is gone you will still have you and that is what you need to be concerned about. What happens to your wife and when it happens isin God's hands.

About the past...it is my opinion that we need to acknowledge it and learn from it. But today's decisions need to based on today's reality. Many of us have been through horrific experiences....we can stay there or move on...one day at a time.We have a choice.

Hugs,
JT