Just need someone to understand
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Just need someone to understand
Hi I'm new,
I'm a 21 year old university student and I just dont know where to start. I feel really helpless and lost and I just thought that maybe the internet would be a place for a little outlet.
as I sit here I'm bawling my eyes out. there's not even enough time to write my life story (as I'm sure is the case with most) and so many emotions are flowing that I dont know what to write. I've lived with a father who is an alcoholic my whole life...he drinks every day everynight and is the most hateful & hurtful person I've ever come across.he gets up at 5am and yells, throws things around and says the wrost things to my mother and me...he keeps going till midnight...you see it's not a nice thing.
we're not aloud to go anywhere without a lot of fighting and nobody is aloud to visit without him freaking out when they leave.
he doesn't have a job...my mother is the only one who pays any bills. we dont have much; I am in university because of one grandmother and everything we have is because of her. she pays a lot of our bills.
We dont even have food half of the time.
I have some nice things (they dont) but it is because I use to have a job, and my grandmother gives me nice things and buys me clothes sometimes. Everyone thinks I have a nice father and home life blah blah blah, but it's all a farce.
ok this doesn't sound bad at all but if you guys even lived here ....god I have no friends. and do you know how hard it is to be around people when you dont like being around peopel who drink? I mean university is all drunk rich kids running around...I've had two very short relationships and neitehr lasted.
I went through about 5 months of drinking a lot and it was ok by times but I can't bare to waste the time (people buy you liquor whenever you say you dont wanna drink)...and it gets boring. I havent' had a drop for 8 months and I really dont care if I ever do again.
mom keeps telling me to just be strong, dont worry about the fighting 24/7 and our 'pretty much poverty' level, "we can't let someone do this to us and acutally let it affect us"
even when he's drunk out in public he's sweet as pie..then the wrost stuff I've ever heard anyone say to us in my life...everyone thinks he's such a nice guy...and it makes me sick just thinking about it. I tell somepeople but they jsut thin I exzagerate.
I've gotten realyl sick these last 6 months and 1st I thoguht I maight acutally be 'sick' but I think it's stress and it's crippled my life...I feel like I can't even breathe anymore, we're totally stuck nowhere to go with no money.
and the nice part is I have no support other than my mother who yells at me when I get upset because 'I shouldn't let it, I should be stronger' and threatens me with taking me tothe doctor to get pills to fix me if I dont smartten the fu%# up and get a grip...
I dont get it, I just need somebody to understand what I go through, I need a break and I need someone to see what I feel and the pressure it puts on me.
my other grandparents tell me I'm crazy all the time and need a doctor to fix my mind up cause I'm just acting like a baby and never going to amount to anything...they REALLY hurt my feelings but I think I've pushed them inside more, I dont see them very much.
My credit cards are maxed out trying ot help my mom and do a few things once in awhile...we dont have a car to go anywhere so I'm stuck in this rural area doing ...not much
I'm trying to better myself by getting an education but I dont know how much longer I can do that either my resourses are exhaused and maxed out financially.
I dunno, there's nothing anyone can do..I'll just suffer thorough this life alone and put up a 'happy' fake face like I always do...
I just need some advice on how to help myself cause I dont know what to do...
I'm a 21 year old university student and I just dont know where to start. I feel really helpless and lost and I just thought that maybe the internet would be a place for a little outlet.
as I sit here I'm bawling my eyes out. there's not even enough time to write my life story (as I'm sure is the case with most) and so many emotions are flowing that I dont know what to write. I've lived with a father who is an alcoholic my whole life...he drinks every day everynight and is the most hateful & hurtful person I've ever come across.he gets up at 5am and yells, throws things around and says the wrost things to my mother and me...he keeps going till midnight...you see it's not a nice thing.
we're not aloud to go anywhere without a lot of fighting and nobody is aloud to visit without him freaking out when they leave.
he doesn't have a job...my mother is the only one who pays any bills. we dont have much; I am in university because of one grandmother and everything we have is because of her. she pays a lot of our bills.
We dont even have food half of the time.
I have some nice things (they dont) but it is because I use to have a job, and my grandmother gives me nice things and buys me clothes sometimes. Everyone thinks I have a nice father and home life blah blah blah, but it's all a farce.
ok this doesn't sound bad at all but if you guys even lived here ....god I have no friends. and do you know how hard it is to be around people when you dont like being around peopel who drink? I mean university is all drunk rich kids running around...I've had two very short relationships and neitehr lasted.
I went through about 5 months of drinking a lot and it was ok by times but I can't bare to waste the time (people buy you liquor whenever you say you dont wanna drink)...and it gets boring. I havent' had a drop for 8 months and I really dont care if I ever do again.
mom keeps telling me to just be strong, dont worry about the fighting 24/7 and our 'pretty much poverty' level, "we can't let someone do this to us and acutally let it affect us"
even when he's drunk out in public he's sweet as pie..then the wrost stuff I've ever heard anyone say to us in my life...everyone thinks he's such a nice guy...and it makes me sick just thinking about it. I tell somepeople but they jsut thin I exzagerate.
I've gotten realyl sick these last 6 months and 1st I thoguht I maight acutally be 'sick' but I think it's stress and it's crippled my life...I feel like I can't even breathe anymore, we're totally stuck nowhere to go with no money.
and the nice part is I have no support other than my mother who yells at me when I get upset because 'I shouldn't let it, I should be stronger' and threatens me with taking me tothe doctor to get pills to fix me if I dont smartten the fu%# up and get a grip...
I dont get it, I just need somebody to understand what I go through, I need a break and I need someone to see what I feel and the pressure it puts on me.
my other grandparents tell me I'm crazy all the time and need a doctor to fix my mind up cause I'm just acting like a baby and never going to amount to anything...they REALLY hurt my feelings but I think I've pushed them inside more, I dont see them very much.
My credit cards are maxed out trying ot help my mom and do a few things once in awhile...we dont have a car to go anywhere so I'm stuck in this rural area doing ...not much
I'm trying to better myself by getting an education but I dont know how much longer I can do that either my resourses are exhaused and maxed out financially.
I dunno, there's nothing anyone can do..I'll just suffer thorough this life alone and put up a 'happy' fake face like I always do...
I just need some advice on how to help myself cause I dont know what to do...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Tropical Island
Posts: 76
Hi Justalone.
I am so glad you found this forum.I hear your pain and I can identify with what you are experiencing.
The good news is "You are not alone."
What you are feeling is very valid and very real and having your mother tell you to "Smile through your pain" is a typical response from a dysfunctional family.
Growing up in an alcoholic family I was not allowed to express what I was feelingespecially if it was something negative.
I was not allowed to express my anger or hurt and nobody ever asked what was troubling me.
Only my parents were allowed this privelage,and anger was one emotion that was freely distributed in our house.
To this day I can still remember lying in my bed at night with my sheet pulled up to my chin,listening for the sound of my fathers car in the driveway.I dont think he understood how much I loved him and how much I worried about his drinking.
I wanted so much for him to come home sober and I laid there night after night afraid to go to sleep because I was afraid of the fighting that would start when he came home drunk.
Do you have any idea what that does to the mind of a child?
He always came home drunk and then the shouting would start and then the smashing of the furniture would start.I would weep because somehow I felt I was responsible for it because my name always got drawn into the arguments.
My shool fees needed paying and I nneded medical attention and there never seemed to be enough money and I always felt like a burden to my family.
Today I am finding a way to heal from some of those painful memories.
Just around if it is possible for you to get in touch with a local ACoA or Alamnon meeting I strongly suggest you do so.
The pain of what you are experiencing is not something you want to face alone.I know it must be hard for you to talk about some of this stuff but if you attend a meeting at alanon or acoa nobody will force you to say anything you dont want to and people will understand what you are feeling without you having to say anything.
If you are not comfortable with meetings right now that's ok too.Just know that you are always welcome here and the people here are very loving and caring.I find much encouragement and support whenever I come here.
Always remember this justalone.
You are not responsible for what is happening in your family.You did not cause it and you cannot fix it.You are a precious person and your feelings are important and valid and you have a right to express your feelings.
My thoughts are with you.
I am so glad you found this forum.I hear your pain and I can identify with what you are experiencing.
The good news is "You are not alone."
What you are feeling is very valid and very real and having your mother tell you to "Smile through your pain" is a typical response from a dysfunctional family.
Growing up in an alcoholic family I was not allowed to express what I was feelingespecially if it was something negative.
I was not allowed to express my anger or hurt and nobody ever asked what was troubling me.
Only my parents were allowed this privelage,and anger was one emotion that was freely distributed in our house.
To this day I can still remember lying in my bed at night with my sheet pulled up to my chin,listening for the sound of my fathers car in the driveway.I dont think he understood how much I loved him and how much I worried about his drinking.
I wanted so much for him to come home sober and I laid there night after night afraid to go to sleep because I was afraid of the fighting that would start when he came home drunk.
Do you have any idea what that does to the mind of a child?
He always came home drunk and then the shouting would start and then the smashing of the furniture would start.I would weep because somehow I felt I was responsible for it because my name always got drawn into the arguments.
My shool fees needed paying and I nneded medical attention and there never seemed to be enough money and I always felt like a burden to my family.
Today I am finding a way to heal from some of those painful memories.
Just around if it is possible for you to get in touch with a local ACoA or Alamnon meeting I strongly suggest you do so.
The pain of what you are experiencing is not something you want to face alone.I know it must be hard for you to talk about some of this stuff but if you attend a meeting at alanon or acoa nobody will force you to say anything you dont want to and people will understand what you are feeling without you having to say anything.
If you are not comfortable with meetings right now that's ok too.Just know that you are always welcome here and the people here are very loving and caring.I find much encouragement and support whenever I come here.
Always remember this justalone.
You are not responsible for what is happening in your family.You did not cause it and you cannot fix it.You are a precious person and your feelings are important and valid and you have a right to express your feelings.
My thoughts are with you.
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
you are not alone
I spent a lot of my childhood in fear of violence. And we moved around a lot. I just survived and waited to grow up. Finally I did. I didn't think I could ever be normal and the early days were rough. I made so many mistakes. But you learn. Not saying I am normal now but a lot of the time I am happy, and life does hold good things.
It is a long journey but you can do it. Just keep going. Never give up.
I did it the hard way, so much better now days because you really don't have to be alone. If you can't get to a group, you can read books and you can come here and to the Alanon board.
I would advise to hold off on a relationship until you get some knowledge of all this. No use complicating things before you are ready.
And - if you can't avoid people who make you feel bad, take a book and read to pass the time. Know that they are the ones who have the problem. You wait and you work on you. Pretty soon you will be physically free and with work you will be emotionally in a better place and able to create more of a world you want to live in.
No sweetie, you are not alone. There is a world full of us and we will help each other. Bless you. I am thinking of you tonight.
It is a long journey but you can do it. Just keep going. Never give up.
I did it the hard way, so much better now days because you really don't have to be alone. If you can't get to a group, you can read books and you can come here and to the Alanon board.
I would advise to hold off on a relationship until you get some knowledge of all this. No use complicating things before you are ready.
And - if you can't avoid people who make you feel bad, take a book and read to pass the time. Know that they are the ones who have the problem. You wait and you work on you. Pretty soon you will be physically free and with work you will be emotionally in a better place and able to create more of a world you want to live in.
No sweetie, you are not alone. There is a world full of us and we will help each other. Bless you. I am thinking of you tonight.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
HI Justalone,
First of all, I want to welcome you and send you big ((((((hugs))))). Second of all, you are not alone. What you are feeling is extemely common among ACOAs. Your story was so familiar to me. Some of the details are different, but the feelings are very much the same. I spent all of my 20s trying to figure out why I was so unhappy, why it was so hard to make friends, and why I always felt so alone. However, I was in serious denial about how my childhood had affected me. I finally went into therapy so I could begin to start trying to straighten it all out.
You do not have to suffer in silence and put on a happy face. Have you tried going to al-anon meetings? There are also a lot of books you can probably pick up at the library that deal with codependency and ACOA. I recommend "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
Your life doesn't have to be this way forever. Trust me. It took me years and years of being incredibly unhappy and alone before I finally found the courage to do something about it. And now, I know I'm not crazy, I have joy in my life, and I don't feel so alone anymore.
Keep coming back - we're always here for support.
Hugs,
JG
First of all, I want to welcome you and send you big ((((((hugs))))). Second of all, you are not alone. What you are feeling is extemely common among ACOAs. Your story was so familiar to me. Some of the details are different, but the feelings are very much the same. I spent all of my 20s trying to figure out why I was so unhappy, why it was so hard to make friends, and why I always felt so alone. However, I was in serious denial about how my childhood had affected me. I finally went into therapy so I could begin to start trying to straighten it all out.
You do not have to suffer in silence and put on a happy face. Have you tried going to al-anon meetings? There are also a lot of books you can probably pick up at the library that deal with codependency and ACOA. I recommend "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
Your life doesn't have to be this way forever. Trust me. It took me years and years of being incredibly unhappy and alone before I finally found the courage to do something about it. And now, I know I'm not crazy, I have joy in my life, and I don't feel so alone anymore.
Keep coming back - we're always here for support.
Hugs,
JG
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