Breaking the Dysfunctional Family Patterns
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Breaking the Dysfunctional Family Patterns
Breaking the Dysfunctional Family Patterns
It is one of the most difficult things you will ever do and it is one of the most rewarding things. At some point you will decide that what you are living is not what you want for your children. You will want to raise them differently from how you were raised but you really won’t have a clue how to make that happen. What has to happen is rather simple, but takes such amazing commitment, that you will think you must be doing it wrong.
I am going to use the example of physical violence as the pattern of family dysfunction to be avoided, but you could just as easily replace it with sexual abuse, verbal abuse, drugs, drinking, pathological liars, narcissism, or any number of incredibly destructive family patterns. As you read through this, understand that the process of breaking free of this dynamic is the same regardless of which particular flavor of hell your family specializes in. This is not about simple annoying traits, like obsessive housecleaning, sloppy organization skills, or too much butter in the diet. This is about those big ugly patterns that destroy the heart and soul of the individuals within the family. For simplicity’s sake, I will just use physical violence because it is easy for everyone to wrap their minds around it and it does not require a lot of explanation, but feel free to insert your family’s nightmare into the formula and you will still get the basic understanding that you need.
The first thing that happens is that you will come to realize that how you were raised was wrong. You analyze alone or in therapy just how much the physical violence in your family has effected you personally and how it affected those that you grew up with. Look at your children and make a decision right then and there, are you going to raise them the same way? Yes or no? You will decide NOT to raise your children the way that you were raised because if you were the type who has no problem with raising your children in a violent home, you would NOT be reading this anyway. Many times over, you will come back to this commitment that you are making to your children. For their sake, you will be the one who stops the cycle.
Studies have shown over and over again that children who grow up being violently beaten by their caregivers repeat the abusive behavior on their children. Generation after generation of children gets beaten because that is all the parents know. It is a painful horrible pattern that never ends. You are making a commitment to your children to not carry on the family tradition. Imagine a wheel that has an incredible force behind it, spinning spinning spinning… that is your family’s history with violence. As each parent deals with stress and problems they find themselves hitting their children while on autopilot, just the same way that they were hit. You are making a decision to stop that wheel from spinning and you have a huge task in front of you. It is going to take so much more then just a one-time decision that you would prefer not to be like your folks.
Educate yourself about the inner workings of physical abuse. Become an expert on the topic because you need to have a thorough understanding of what you are up against. You will want to educate your family members and to help them all come to the same conclusion that you have come to. You will naturally want for your entire extended family to make this commitment to future generations that you are making. It won’t happen. I have never ever heard of an entire family of child beaters all suddenly deciding together that all of them are going to go through this process at the same time. The truth is that you will be lucky if anyone in your family supports your decision. The nature of these sorts of things dictates that everyone is going to deny that it is even a problem. “Why do you have to get everyone all worked up anyway? Why can’t you just leave well enough alone? What’s wrong with you that you have to meddle in everyone else’s business?” That is what you are up against. It is part of what you will come to learn as you study the dysfunctional patterns of denial and unity that weaves through families with this secret in their lives.
You will have to separate yourself from your family. I am not saying that you emotionally distance yourself. I am telling you to pack up your children and move away. Do not live anywhere near them. If you yourself make the decision to go through the process of breaking the cycle of violence but your children grow up watching Uncle Joe beat up their cousins, or Grandpa beats up Grandma whenever they get into big fights, then they will still be witness to the abuse and to the psychology of the abuse. They will become desensitized and will grow to just blow it off as what families do even though you personally do not do it to them. You run the risk that rather than actually stopping the family cycle for your children and future grandchildren that all your hard work and effort to make positive change only causes the violence to skip a generation. How will you feel when you find out that your child is beating your grandchild even though you never did it. You have to get your kids away from the dynamic so that it is not ever role modeled to them by anyone ever.
This means that you will be alone without a support system. You might be lucky enough to have a loving spouse, but the truth is that most people who come from these sorts of families have a hard time maintaining positive loving marriages. It is a piece of what you are trying to change. People who are raised in violence often unknowingly pick partners who are of the same background. Like attracts like on a subconscious level. You do not want to beat your wife and you do not want to be beaten by your husband. So most likely, you are a single parent by the time you are making this commitment to your children. By changing the patterns of your life, you are preparing yourself for the day when you will no longer be attracted to violent people. You will most likely be all alone while moving away to a safe location to raise your children. It is very difficult to find a support system of friends and acquaintances. When a crisis shows itself people will immediately assume that you have family to help bail you out. Most people will be too busy with their own extended families to really offer you much assistance. Do not be fooled into thinking that you will have lots of loving coworkers or neighbors like on television to help you through your problems. It is rare at best and you need to understand that you will have to work hard by yourself during most of the normal highs and lows of life. You have to remind yourself when tempted to move back to your hometown why it is that you are not going back there. It is better to be lonely then it is to have your children raised in violence.
You would think that if you have made the decision to not become a violent parent and you have removed your children from the environment, that you would have pretty much accomplished your goal, but that is just the beginning. How many of us have told ourselves that when we grow up we won’t do what our parents do? I swore that I would never say to my children, “…because I said so.” Yet it happened. I swore that I would not say and do all sorts of annoying little things that my parents said and did. Most of these things are silly not too important things. We can laugh and joke about it, “Look at me, I’ve become my mother!” Unfortunately, in the same way that you cannot believe it when you find yourself quoting your father, you also will be standing there in shock when you raise a hand to hit your child and you had no idea that you were about to do that. It is like you are running on autopilot and you will freak out when you find that reaction is within you. It will take everything in your being to stop yourself. Your children have been raised in a kind loving home and when you do lose your mind and strike one of them, they will be absolutely shattered. They are not acclimatized to that sort of reaction from you. It makes them more easily frightened and confused when it happens to them. You have to become extremely diligent about monitoring yourself so that you never slip up and become like the very people that you are trying to get away from. It is the hardest part of the process and it is a personal battle that nobody can really help you with.
You can see a therapist, join a church, make friends with your new neighbors and coworkers. You can even get married to a wonderful loving partner, but nobody can really help you with the deep dark piece of you that would strike another when angry or in pain. It is not your fault that it is there, but it is your fault if you allow it to take over. You have to self-monitor, self-monitor, self-monitor so much more than others have to. You cannot get drunk because it raises the risk of you losing control and hitting your kids. You have to work extra hard at monitoring everything you do watching for the first sign that the violence will break out of you and take over. Do not let anybody fool you into thinking that with a few positive affirmations and some feel good conversations that you won’t be seriously challenged. This is the part where you seriously have to move against that wheel that is spinning out of control.
Eventually, you will come to see that it gets easier. As the years go on, you will find positive tools to handle angry situations. You will find inner peace. You will learn how to parent your children without physically hurting them and without simply allowing them to do whatever they want. It is not unusual for people who are trying to keep from hitting their kids to go overboard in the opposite direction and to never ever discipline their children. This harms your children in other ways. You will address these things. You will find ways to be a good parent, disciplining, role modeling, and loving your family without the dysfunctional patterns of your childhood controlling you. You will heal your own wounds as best you can while creating a new life for your children.
At some point, you will see that your children do not have your hang ups. They do not hit each other. When they hear of friends at school being mistreated, they are shocked and outraged by the stories. Your teenage daughter will not date someone abusive. Your teenage son would never use his physical strength as a way of controlling those around him. They discuss problems and solutions rather than resorting to violence. When you take them to visit your family over Christmas, they will be offended at the dysfunctional nightmare that your family sweeps under the rug. This is when you will realize that you have broken the cycle. You have given your children a chance at a completely different reality than what you have had to undergo. They will not harm your grandchildren. You have held back the power of the family rage and you have broken the cycle for your children’s sake. You will be moved to tears when you see that they will not be living your nightmare. It is the most beautiful reward, knowing that the future generations are safe.
Skye Thomas
tomorrowsedge.net
It is one of the most difficult things you will ever do and it is one of the most rewarding things. At some point you will decide that what you are living is not what you want for your children. You will want to raise them differently from how you were raised but you really won’t have a clue how to make that happen. What has to happen is rather simple, but takes such amazing commitment, that you will think you must be doing it wrong.
I am going to use the example of physical violence as the pattern of family dysfunction to be avoided, but you could just as easily replace it with sexual abuse, verbal abuse, drugs, drinking, pathological liars, narcissism, or any number of incredibly destructive family patterns. As you read through this, understand that the process of breaking free of this dynamic is the same regardless of which particular flavor of hell your family specializes in. This is not about simple annoying traits, like obsessive housecleaning, sloppy organization skills, or too much butter in the diet. This is about those big ugly patterns that destroy the heart and soul of the individuals within the family. For simplicity’s sake, I will just use physical violence because it is easy for everyone to wrap their minds around it and it does not require a lot of explanation, but feel free to insert your family’s nightmare into the formula and you will still get the basic understanding that you need.
The first thing that happens is that you will come to realize that how you were raised was wrong. You analyze alone or in therapy just how much the physical violence in your family has effected you personally and how it affected those that you grew up with. Look at your children and make a decision right then and there, are you going to raise them the same way? Yes or no? You will decide NOT to raise your children the way that you were raised because if you were the type who has no problem with raising your children in a violent home, you would NOT be reading this anyway. Many times over, you will come back to this commitment that you are making to your children. For their sake, you will be the one who stops the cycle.
Studies have shown over and over again that children who grow up being violently beaten by their caregivers repeat the abusive behavior on their children. Generation after generation of children gets beaten because that is all the parents know. It is a painful horrible pattern that never ends. You are making a commitment to your children to not carry on the family tradition. Imagine a wheel that has an incredible force behind it, spinning spinning spinning… that is your family’s history with violence. As each parent deals with stress and problems they find themselves hitting their children while on autopilot, just the same way that they were hit. You are making a decision to stop that wheel from spinning and you have a huge task in front of you. It is going to take so much more then just a one-time decision that you would prefer not to be like your folks.
Educate yourself about the inner workings of physical abuse. Become an expert on the topic because you need to have a thorough understanding of what you are up against. You will want to educate your family members and to help them all come to the same conclusion that you have come to. You will naturally want for your entire extended family to make this commitment to future generations that you are making. It won’t happen. I have never ever heard of an entire family of child beaters all suddenly deciding together that all of them are going to go through this process at the same time. The truth is that you will be lucky if anyone in your family supports your decision. The nature of these sorts of things dictates that everyone is going to deny that it is even a problem. “Why do you have to get everyone all worked up anyway? Why can’t you just leave well enough alone? What’s wrong with you that you have to meddle in everyone else’s business?” That is what you are up against. It is part of what you will come to learn as you study the dysfunctional patterns of denial and unity that weaves through families with this secret in their lives.
You will have to separate yourself from your family. I am not saying that you emotionally distance yourself. I am telling you to pack up your children and move away. Do not live anywhere near them. If you yourself make the decision to go through the process of breaking the cycle of violence but your children grow up watching Uncle Joe beat up their cousins, or Grandpa beats up Grandma whenever they get into big fights, then they will still be witness to the abuse and to the psychology of the abuse. They will become desensitized and will grow to just blow it off as what families do even though you personally do not do it to them. You run the risk that rather than actually stopping the family cycle for your children and future grandchildren that all your hard work and effort to make positive change only causes the violence to skip a generation. How will you feel when you find out that your child is beating your grandchild even though you never did it. You have to get your kids away from the dynamic so that it is not ever role modeled to them by anyone ever.
This means that you will be alone without a support system. You might be lucky enough to have a loving spouse, but the truth is that most people who come from these sorts of families have a hard time maintaining positive loving marriages. It is a piece of what you are trying to change. People who are raised in violence often unknowingly pick partners who are of the same background. Like attracts like on a subconscious level. You do not want to beat your wife and you do not want to be beaten by your husband. So most likely, you are a single parent by the time you are making this commitment to your children. By changing the patterns of your life, you are preparing yourself for the day when you will no longer be attracted to violent people. You will most likely be all alone while moving away to a safe location to raise your children. It is very difficult to find a support system of friends and acquaintances. When a crisis shows itself people will immediately assume that you have family to help bail you out. Most people will be too busy with their own extended families to really offer you much assistance. Do not be fooled into thinking that you will have lots of loving coworkers or neighbors like on television to help you through your problems. It is rare at best and you need to understand that you will have to work hard by yourself during most of the normal highs and lows of life. You have to remind yourself when tempted to move back to your hometown why it is that you are not going back there. It is better to be lonely then it is to have your children raised in violence.
You would think that if you have made the decision to not become a violent parent and you have removed your children from the environment, that you would have pretty much accomplished your goal, but that is just the beginning. How many of us have told ourselves that when we grow up we won’t do what our parents do? I swore that I would never say to my children, “…because I said so.” Yet it happened. I swore that I would not say and do all sorts of annoying little things that my parents said and did. Most of these things are silly not too important things. We can laugh and joke about it, “Look at me, I’ve become my mother!” Unfortunately, in the same way that you cannot believe it when you find yourself quoting your father, you also will be standing there in shock when you raise a hand to hit your child and you had no idea that you were about to do that. It is like you are running on autopilot and you will freak out when you find that reaction is within you. It will take everything in your being to stop yourself. Your children have been raised in a kind loving home and when you do lose your mind and strike one of them, they will be absolutely shattered. They are not acclimatized to that sort of reaction from you. It makes them more easily frightened and confused when it happens to them. You have to become extremely diligent about monitoring yourself so that you never slip up and become like the very people that you are trying to get away from. It is the hardest part of the process and it is a personal battle that nobody can really help you with.
You can see a therapist, join a church, make friends with your new neighbors and coworkers. You can even get married to a wonderful loving partner, but nobody can really help you with the deep dark piece of you that would strike another when angry or in pain. It is not your fault that it is there, but it is your fault if you allow it to take over. You have to self-monitor, self-monitor, self-monitor so much more than others have to. You cannot get drunk because it raises the risk of you losing control and hitting your kids. You have to work extra hard at monitoring everything you do watching for the first sign that the violence will break out of you and take over. Do not let anybody fool you into thinking that with a few positive affirmations and some feel good conversations that you won’t be seriously challenged. This is the part where you seriously have to move against that wheel that is spinning out of control.
Eventually, you will come to see that it gets easier. As the years go on, you will find positive tools to handle angry situations. You will find inner peace. You will learn how to parent your children without physically hurting them and without simply allowing them to do whatever they want. It is not unusual for people who are trying to keep from hitting their kids to go overboard in the opposite direction and to never ever discipline their children. This harms your children in other ways. You will address these things. You will find ways to be a good parent, disciplining, role modeling, and loving your family without the dysfunctional patterns of your childhood controlling you. You will heal your own wounds as best you can while creating a new life for your children.
At some point, you will see that your children do not have your hang ups. They do not hit each other. When they hear of friends at school being mistreated, they are shocked and outraged by the stories. Your teenage daughter will not date someone abusive. Your teenage son would never use his physical strength as a way of controlling those around him. They discuss problems and solutions rather than resorting to violence. When you take them to visit your family over Christmas, they will be offended at the dysfunctional nightmare that your family sweeps under the rug. This is when you will realize that you have broken the cycle. You have given your children a chance at a completely different reality than what you have had to undergo. They will not harm your grandchildren. You have held back the power of the family rage and you have broken the cycle for your children’s sake. You will be moved to tears when you see that they will not be living your nightmare. It is the most beautiful reward, knowing that the future generations are safe.
Skye Thomas
tomorrowsedge.net
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Wow MG, that is _so_ powerful. Thank you for sharing it. I had to keep my biological family away from my kids too. It's been 30 years since I spent Christmas with my biological family. The first few were hard, but today I know that it's the best thing I ever did for me and my little ones.
Mike (((( hugs )))))
Mike (((( hugs )))))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Thank you for this
It's yet one more "self affirmation" that I am and have been doing the right thing since I ran away from home at 16, what amazed me was how fast I "got sick" when I moved back "into the system" it was like 15 years of recovery got washed down the drain.
All told it was a blessing, I had been "preaching" an ability to be like Gandhi no matter the circumstances in our lives and after that experience I understand why he is so famous.
As my father once said, "Son, you aint the wise man and chances are you never will be" when we were reading the Tao Te Ching together (he removed himself from my maternal "family system" 33 years ago) so now I know "my limits" and it's possible I will be able to be more helpful to my sponsees after going through this experience.
heck, possible nothing, I am already helping and have helped many alcoholics with serious "long term sobriety" with their "codie" and "family of origin issues" just in the last few months from immersing myself here and in "Codie and Family of Origin" literature.
We seem to have a blind spot for this stuff with parents/loved ones, which seems strange actually, it's like we know...we know...we know, and then we turn a corner and become "sick" somehow, somewhere, when "life" discovers a ch1nk in our armor, some deep place we never really healed
Kinda makes me think of "Mad Eye Moody" from the Harry Potter series who is always walking around shouting "Constant Vigilance" and everyone thinks he is crazy but the truth is he sees what's happening.
Good post, very thought provoking
It's yet one more "self affirmation" that I am and have been doing the right thing since I ran away from home at 16, what amazed me was how fast I "got sick" when I moved back "into the system" it was like 15 years of recovery got washed down the drain.
All told it was a blessing, I had been "preaching" an ability to be like Gandhi no matter the circumstances in our lives and after that experience I understand why he is so famous.
As my father once said, "Son, you aint the wise man and chances are you never will be" when we were reading the Tao Te Ching together (he removed himself from my maternal "family system" 33 years ago) so now I know "my limits" and it's possible I will be able to be more helpful to my sponsees after going through this experience.
heck, possible nothing, I am already helping and have helped many alcoholics with serious "long term sobriety" with their "codie" and "family of origin issues" just in the last few months from immersing myself here and in "Codie and Family of Origin" literature.
We seem to have a blind spot for this stuff with parents/loved ones, which seems strange actually, it's like we know...we know...we know, and then we turn a corner and become "sick" somehow, somewhere, when "life" discovers a ch1nk in our armor, some deep place we never really healed
Kinda makes me think of "Mad Eye Moody" from the Harry Potter series who is always walking around shouting "Constant Vigilance" and everyone thinks he is crazy but the truth is he sees what's happening.
Good post, very thought provoking
In Recovery
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 259
Thanks, MG - You find some good stuff...brought tears to my eyes, too, only because I frigged up again, and dared to trust them, and try to prove to them that I'm not the horrible image they see when they look at me...it's all in vain...and my children will suffer...but not for long.
Please pray for me, if you get the notion, as I'm hoping to make an offer on my OWN place
on Monday!!
Joyce Meyers had Dr. Paul Meier on her show one morning, and I was astounded when I heard him say, "If your [family-he said parents] continues to be abusive to you [into your adulthood], you don't ever have to see them again. You can honor them without seeing them. Glory Be!! Thank God...someone understands!
I wrote it down on a slip of paper and carry that along with a few other slips of paper in my purse:
"My compliance has NO connection to their happiness. My difference of opinion has NO bearing on their misery. Their criticism / ridicule does NOT define me. God's Love does."
"God wants you to defend youself. He doesn't want you to put up with [abuse]."
Please pray for me, if you get the notion, as I'm hoping to make an offer on my OWN place
on Monday!! Joyce Meyers had Dr. Paul Meier on her show one morning, and I was astounded when I heard him say, "If your [family-he said parents] continues to be abusive to you [into your adulthood], you don't ever have to see them again. You can honor them without seeing them. Glory Be!! Thank God...someone understands!
I wrote it down on a slip of paper and carry that along with a few other slips of paper in my purse:
"My compliance has NO connection to their happiness. My difference of opinion has NO bearing on their misery. Their criticism / ridicule does NOT define me. God's Love does."
"God wants you to defend youself. He doesn't want you to put up with [abuse]."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Great Post Ago! Thanks!
Originally Posted by Ago 
We seem to have a blind spot for this stuff with parents/loved ones, which seems strange actually, it's like we know...we know...we know, and then we turn a corner and become "sick" somehow, somewhere, when "life" discovers a ch1nk in our armor, some deep place we never really healed
Kinda makes me think of "Mad Eye Moody" from the Harry Potter series who is always walking around shouting "Constant Vigilance" and everyone thinks he is crazy but the truth is he sees what's happening.
Good post, very thought provoking
Kinda makes me think of "Mad Eye Moody" from the Harry Potter series who is always walking around shouting "Constant Vigilance" and everyone thinks he is crazy but the truth is he sees what's happening.
Good post, very thought provoking
And still, with always being on the alert, I become blind, when I know...I know..I know....something ain't right. Great Scott!
Yes, the deep place that never really healed, but wants acceptance and love so badly I become blind.
This is one of those AHA! moments for me Ago, thank you very much.
Beth, ever watchful, and ever needy.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: WI
Posts: 14
This post was absolutely amazing and helped me a bunch today. It helped me remember my own power and to remember my strenght in making a difference...specifically in my two little cherubs.
Thank you soooo much...
Hugs...
Thank you soooo much...
Hugs...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
That was so powerful! Thank you MG for the post. I came here this morning because I was feeling so alone. Reading the post I saw all the steps I have been through to make this change (started 23 yrs ago). What really got me was the part about learning to do things alone - I was a single parent and it was hard. Harder now is that they are grown and I really am alone.
To express some gratitude, I did find some help all the way here and there. Not family but it shows up from time to time. I realized that it made me more aware that there are others who may be going through the same and I try to be there for them. This post reminds me that I did a good thing- there was a purpose. My kids are great afterall!
To express some gratitude, I did find some help all the way here and there. Not family but it shows up from time to time. I realized that it made me more aware that there are others who may be going through the same and I try to be there for them. This post reminds me that I did a good thing- there was a purpose. My kids are great afterall!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 6
Thank you very much for this wonderful article. Dysfunctional family is everywhere and we may sometimes not know or feel it, it is affecting us in many ways. Dysfunctional families most of the time produce uneducated children and misbehaving teens that distorts the community as well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Without A doubt this is where all my Obsessions,Addictions,Self Abuse,ETC started.
My upbringing.
And for nearly all addicts this is where they must go for healing.
THE PROCESS OF RECOVERY OF
YOUR TRUE SELF
Admitting that you are powerless to change your compulsive and addictive behaviours (co-dependency, alcoholism, drug or substance abuse, dysfunctional behaviour patterns) without some help.
Committing yourself to learning to identify the unresolved issues you learned from your family or origin.
Learning to recognize your family patterns as they occur in your present relationship.
Learning to feel and express completely the repressed and/or denied feelings from your childhood.
Developing a new understanding of what really happened to you as a child.
Developing new feelings connected to what happened to you as a child.
Learning to take responsibility for your new thoughts and feelings. This means taking charge of your life and no longer expecting someone else to do it.
Developing a new picture of your family of origin and your role in that family without feelings of hurt or condemnations.
Feeling compassion for your parents and for yourself as imperfect human beings.
Accepting your parents and yourself just the way that you and they are.
Forgiving your parents and yourself. This means to “give back” to them what is rightfully theirs and give back to yourself what is rightfully yours.
Restoring the wholeness of your mind, body and spirit through the connection with your true self.
This re Parenting of myself is the Hardest things I have ever done,,,,,,,,,,,but I know its going to be worth it,
Just because the Monkey has fallen of my Shoulder,does not mean the Circus has left town,I have to be ever vigilant.
My upbringing.
And for nearly all addicts this is where they must go for healing.
THE PROCESS OF RECOVERY OF
YOUR TRUE SELF
Admitting that you are powerless to change your compulsive and addictive behaviours (co-dependency, alcoholism, drug or substance abuse, dysfunctional behaviour patterns) without some help.
Committing yourself to learning to identify the unresolved issues you learned from your family or origin.
Learning to recognize your family patterns as they occur in your present relationship.
Learning to feel and express completely the repressed and/or denied feelings from your childhood.
Developing a new understanding of what really happened to you as a child.
Developing new feelings connected to what happened to you as a child.
Learning to take responsibility for your new thoughts and feelings. This means taking charge of your life and no longer expecting someone else to do it.
Developing a new picture of your family of origin and your role in that family without feelings of hurt or condemnations.
Feeling compassion for your parents and for yourself as imperfect human beings.
Accepting your parents and yourself just the way that you and they are.
Forgiving your parents and yourself. This means to “give back” to them what is rightfully theirs and give back to yourself what is rightfully yours.
Restoring the wholeness of your mind, body and spirit through the connection with your true self.
This re Parenting of myself is the Hardest things I have ever done,,,,,,,,,,,but I know its going to be worth it,
Just because the Monkey has fallen of my Shoulder,does not mean the Circus has left town,I have to be ever vigilant.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by TheGirlInside
Thanks, MG - You find some good stuff...brought tears to my eyes, too, only because I frigged up again, and dared to trust them, and try to prove to them that I'm not the horrible image they see when they look at me...it's all in vain...and my children will suffer...but not for long.
Please pray for me, if you get the notion, as I'm hoping to make an offer on my OWN place on Monday!!
Joyce Meyers had Dr. Paul Meier on her show one morning, and I was astounded when I heard him say, "If your [family-he said parents] continues to be abusive to you [into your adulthood], you don't ever have to see them again. You can honor them without seeing them. Glory Be!! Thank God...someone understands!
I wrote it down on a slip of paper and carry that along with a few other slips of paper in my purse:
"My compliance has NO connection to their happiness. My difference of opinion has NO bearing on their misery. Their criticism / ridicule does NOT define me. God's Love does."
"God wants you to defend youself. He doesn't want you to put up with [abuse]."
Please pray for me, if you get the notion, as I'm hoping to make an offer on my OWN place
on Monday!! Joyce Meyers had Dr. Paul Meier on her show one morning, and I was astounded when I heard him say, "If your [family-he said parents] continues to be abusive to you [into your adulthood], you don't ever have to see them again. You can honor them without seeing them. Glory Be!! Thank God...someone understands!
I wrote it down on a slip of paper and carry that along with a few other slips of paper in my purse:
"My compliance has NO connection to their happiness. My difference of opinion has NO bearing on their misery. Their criticism / ridicule does NOT define me. God's Love does."
"God wants you to defend youself. He doesn't want you to put up with [abuse]."
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Sorry I dont know how to pull down a quote.......yet
copy and paste will do for now.
This is from the end of the Original Post.
After spending some time working the steps and the Solution in ACA.
At some point, you will see that your children do not have your hang ups. They do not hit each other. When they hear of friends at school being mistreated, they are shocked and outraged by the stories. Your teenage daughter will not date someone abusive. Your teenage son would never use his physical strength as a way of controlling those around him. They discuss problems and solutions rather than resorting to violence. When you take them to visit your family over Christmas, they will be offended at the dysfunctional nightmare that your family sweeps under the rug. This is when you will realize that you have broken the cycle. You have given your children a chance at a completely different reality than what you have had to undergo. They will not harm your grandchildren. You have held back the power of the family rage and you have broken the cycle for your children’s sake. You will be moved to tears when you see that they will not be living your nightmare. It is the most beautiful reward, knowing that the future generations are safe.
I am living proof that the Cycle of Disfunction can be broken.
We are a Hugging Family..........unknowen in my family of origion.
I learned how to hug my family Members from others......I dont do this with Someone I dont Know or may be Fearful of such a gesture.
We disscus any problem or issue calm assertively.
I have the same personality at home that I have at work.......No Panic.
My family have never been affected by my Drinking as I have not Drank for over 25 years.
I tell ,one or More of my family every day that I love them,and mean it.
I love and practice all the Talents that I have been given.
I am friendly to everyone I meet.
Those that I dont Like I say a little Prayer for them when I see them...........I will always be there to offer the hand of friendship.........in a misunderstanding.
I will do what ever I can to help the Suffering soul find the way.........but I wont carry them.
I have to work on my Character every day.............as the Bully is still inside ready to ,medicate,or Rage at any given moment.
I go to an ACA meeting every week and learn a little more about how to Re Parent Myself.
I depend on my Invisable Higher Power to distract me in Angry or Rageful Situations.
Here is an intresting insight into the Bully Inside.
There is a bully/Bullies, that lives inside of me! These inner bullies come in all "shapes and sizes." There is the bully of self-pity, depression, regret, resentment, anger, impatience, resentment, ambition or any other negative state that pushes me around.
Presently I used to yield without question to these negative states, but starting right now I can begin again today to understand that no interior tyrant has any real authority over me. I gave them authority through my misunderstanding of their purpose. The bullies that live within me are a necessary part of living as a human being, and my task is not to resist them, but to bring them into the light of awareness.
If I want the true interior freedom that my hearts long for, I must not yield to any interior bully. But this higher victory is not about calling upon a power of my own to help me prevail in the face of the bully. What does prevail -- in any moment -- is the understanding that there is a right.....ness that is always superior to any kind of wrongness, and if I place myself on its side, it will never fail to come to my aid.
For an interior bully to remain in charge of my live, it requires me consenting to its authority. If I learn to say inwardly, "I am not going to agree with you any longer," then I will attract to me the kind of higher strength that I need. I will begin to see that these so-called negative states may continue to come and go, but they will no longer have command over my live.
Good day my Friends...
copy and paste will do for now.
This is from the end of the Original Post.
After spending some time working the steps and the Solution in ACA.
At some point, you will see that your children do not have your hang ups. They do not hit each other. When they hear of friends at school being mistreated, they are shocked and outraged by the stories. Your teenage daughter will not date someone abusive. Your teenage son would never use his physical strength as a way of controlling those around him. They discuss problems and solutions rather than resorting to violence. When you take them to visit your family over Christmas, they will be offended at the dysfunctional nightmare that your family sweeps under the rug. This is when you will realize that you have broken the cycle. You have given your children a chance at a completely different reality than what you have had to undergo. They will not harm your grandchildren. You have held back the power of the family rage and you have broken the cycle for your children’s sake. You will be moved to tears when you see that they will not be living your nightmare. It is the most beautiful reward, knowing that the future generations are safe.
I am living proof that the Cycle of Disfunction can be broken.
We are a Hugging Family..........unknowen in my family of origion.
I learned how to hug my family Members from others......I dont do this with Someone I dont Know or may be Fearful of such a gesture.
We disscus any problem or issue calm assertively.
I have the same personality at home that I have at work.......No Panic.
My family have never been affected by my Drinking as I have not Drank for over 25 years.
I tell ,one or More of my family every day that I love them,and mean it.
I love and practice all the Talents that I have been given.
I am friendly to everyone I meet.
Those that I dont Like I say a little Prayer for them when I see them...........I will always be there to offer the hand of friendship.........in a misunderstanding.
I will do what ever I can to help the Suffering soul find the way.........but I wont carry them.
I have to work on my Character every day.............as the Bully is still inside ready to ,medicate,or Rage at any given moment.
I go to an ACA meeting every week and learn a little more about how to Re Parent Myself.
I depend on my Invisable Higher Power to distract me in Angry or Rageful Situations.
Here is an intresting insight into the Bully Inside.
There is a bully/Bullies, that lives inside of me! These inner bullies come in all "shapes and sizes." There is the bully of self-pity, depression, regret, resentment, anger, impatience, resentment, ambition or any other negative state that pushes me around.
Presently I used to yield without question to these negative states, but starting right now I can begin again today to understand that no interior tyrant has any real authority over me. I gave them authority through my misunderstanding of their purpose. The bullies that live within me are a necessary part of living as a human being, and my task is not to resist them, but to bring them into the light of awareness.
If I want the true interior freedom that my hearts long for, I must not yield to any interior bully. But this higher victory is not about calling upon a power of my own to help me prevail in the face of the bully. What does prevail -- in any moment -- is the understanding that there is a right.....ness that is always superior to any kind of wrongness, and if I place myself on its side, it will never fail to come to my aid.
For an interior bully to remain in charge of my live, it requires me consenting to its authority. If I learn to say inwardly, "I am not going to agree with you any longer," then I will attract to me the kind of higher strength that I need. I will begin to see that these so-called negative states may continue to come and go, but they will no longer have command over my live.
Good day my Friends...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3
I really appreciated this post. I found this forum after doing a google search because I wanted to see if there was support systems for adult children who have survived an addiction household. I had read a blog that was from a child of abuse and addiction, which gave me the idea to see if there was more info out there. So thank you. In case anyone wants to read the blog it is itsheroinbitch.blogspot.com and is written by a girl who had addicts as parents.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: new york
Posts: 29
I was beaten by my step father sometimes and verbally picked on alot. I treat my kids with alot of love and tell them almost everyday. However, I did treat myself like crap the last 10 years with lots of self destructive behavior. I'm not an angry person either. It took me a long time but now its time to start lovin myself again and since I've stopped drinkin 27 days ago I've been treating myself great. I think its all about attitude.
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