Controling mother, loses her game
 

My mom likes to complain. She lives her life to do nothing but complain from sun up to sun set.:kabong:
She is a sober 30 yr. AA old timer. I can't stand her.

She and I made plans a month ago for her to come here for Thanksgiving. She's 3 hrs away. Ok, I was dreading it any way. But she's my mom and I figure I could handle it for a couple of days.

Well, she called me this morning saying she was getting ready to leave. She said that she expects to go shopping at Hamricks (A clothing store that older folks like) first thing Friday morning. I said sure, that's fine. Stephie is coming too. We all want to go shopping on black friday.
Stephie is my DIL. Stephie is also pregnant with grand child #2.

My mom had a fit. I CANT STAND HER! I DON'T WANT TO GO SHOPPING WITH HER. I CAN'T STAND IT WHEN SHE GOES WITH US. I HAD WANTED TO SPEND THE DAY, JUST YOU AND ME

I was standing there thinking, "oh here we go again". She never expressed any dislike for Stephie before. She was just pissed that I was not going to be her shopping slave for the day. She was mad that we might have to go to a store that was not of her choosing.

So she let me have it and hung up the phone in my face.

I had my son call her back later to see what she was going to do. She pissed and moaned to him about how she thought blah blah blah that I was blah blah blah and she was this and that.

After they hang up, I decide I will not call her back under any circumstances what so ever. I don't need the drama. In fact, when I do talk to her again, I will go ahead and clear out the opportunity for Christmas by saying that I have decided to stay with a friend that day.

Isn't it sad? I actually feel relieved that my mother is not coming. Not only that, but it's like I could care less if I ever saw her again, and I mean that in a very serious way, and yet still love her.

Thanks for letting me get that out.

Wascally,
You set some good boundaries. You focused on you own needs, and you are generous to try and share the shopping day. Your mom needs to re-read those 12 steps.
May you have a great T-day. Eat with happiness and health.

I'm sorry you had to deal with this today. It seems like the holidays bring out the beast in them, doesn't it? I completely relate to what you said about being relieved that she isn't coming. It is sad, but it's reality.

I hope you enjoy your day and your shopping trip! Happy Thanksgiving!

Yes it is sad that she has caused so much harm to you. But I think that it is _awesome_ that you are protecting yourself and your family from her. I'm happy for _you_ cuz you are building a better life for yourself

Mike :)

I bet you anything your mother is not like my mother. My mother is the very seed of satan! I think she trained him.
ANYTHING you say to her she will find a negative thing about.
You could say "he's a child of God" and she'd probably say "a ******* child"......she just has her ways.
Hang in there and sometimes we are better off with them out of the picture to tell ya the truth.

Not surprising really. It sounds like someone told you you'd have to have a root canal, only to find out that really, you just need a filling. I'd feel relieved too if I were you.

How much of that relief comes from the self-possessed feeling of having set and defended a boundary, I wonder? Setting and defending a boundary has a wonderful liberating feel to it. Obviously there's relief at not having to deal with your mom, but I'm guessing there's more than just that wrapped into your feeling of glee.

Ginger, you're right on the nose. Setting the boundary paid off. She is not going to manipulate me! She wants things her way. No one's feelings will be considered but her own. So be it.
All this will start up again before Christmas. :grumpy:

"Oh, I am coming down to visit! I can't wait! I want you to have everything ready for me including already having gone shopping for all that special food that I eat, and I want you to take me where ever I want to go. I will have to take your bed while you sleep on the sofa. And, I am bringing my dog. I know that you have told me a thousand times that she is not allowed to come, but I find that horrible of you, I don't care if the landlord fines you or not! This is my baby, my dog that tears your furniture up and pees on your floor, but I love her and insist she come too.
I want you to do everything exactly the way I say and the way I want you to while I am visiting you and then maybe just maybe I will be pleased."

Sadly, she doesn't see that I don't care any more if she is pleased or not. This is why if I do talk to her any time soon, I am going to mention that I will be staying with a friend. She will have to make her holiday with her favorite family members.

I understand the controlling mother well. Mine frequently goes into martyr mode, and of course, Dad fawns over her.

I used to beat my head against the wall over it.

Today I keep my contact limited with her, if any contact at all.

Good for you for setting your boundaries and taking care of self! :ghug

Also, notice how the alcoholic will always find someone to "take care of them". My mom is a total paraniod. She is always talking about me having to take care of her because she doesn't know how she's going to take care of herself. She forces herself on me like this. But, I can't do it. So, she will guilt trip my cousin into taking care of her. She already has.

The HORRIBLE thing is, I love her. I could not bear to see her suffer in some bad way.
Yet, I can't stand to be around her. I can't stand her period.
I cry over her because I wish so bad I had a good relationship with her.

Oh Wabbit, I'm so sorry you hurt so much (((( hugs ))))).

My biological parents were a non-starter. Selfish alkies all the way thru. I hurt for a long time wishing i had real parents and a real family. Then I learned in al-anon that giving my uncoditional love to relatives who don't _earn_ it is a waste. There are so many other people out there who don't have children and _are_ worthy of love. I set out to make my family of _choice_.

My ex mother in law is 95yrs old, and the most delightful lady ever. She has outlived 3 husbands and is full of life and energy. Not a single codie bone in her body, and no addictions either. She never had children of her own, so we adopted each other. She is now my Mom and I am her son and it works out marvelously well.

Today I have wonderful friends that are as good as any biological family. We look out for each other and help each other thru the challenges of life. There is this one lady who calls me her "bro", and she might as well be a sister to me. She's well acquainted with wordly ways here in Las Vegas and keeps me out of trouble like an older sister would. One time I was making friends with a woman I thought was very nice, turns out she was a madame trying to recruit me as an employee and my "sis" had to practically grab me by the ear and drag me away, threatening to rat me out to my sponsor ;)

Wabbit, I think you've already started to make your new family. You've got a whole bunch of people right here on Sober Recovery that would be proud to have you as a relative. I know I would be honored to have you as my "cousin" ;)

Mike :)

This is so true. They'll find a way to somehow get their way, and manipulate the situation so that someone ends up taking care of them -- friends, cousins, whatever hostages they have to take to avoid looking in the mirror.

My dad is in a situation like this -- clinging to the house I grew up in, isolated out in the suburbs, refusing to consider moving closer to town, or -- god forbid -- to assisted living (which is for "old people" -- that's not him; he's only 88). My Mom died earlier this month -- but she hadn't been home in 11 months, since she went into the hospital last December. For awhile after Mom went into the hospital, I thought that maybe, just maybe, spending night after night alone in that silent house might convince Dad that it might be better to do something different. Ha! No way. The worse things get, the more intransigent he becomes -- determined to stay in that house 'til the bitter end. Right now, he's got my cousin (61) and a second cousin (mid-20s) "staying" with him -- basically, trading free room and board for being his chauffeur/companion and putting up with his crap. Well, fine -- that gets me off the hook for the time being.

Ultimately, though, he keeps begging me to move back home. Not a chance. My young cousin is planning to move out -- even with free rent, she can't stand it, and is going back to living on her own in a few weeks. "There's going to be a murder," she says... which about describes what it's like to live with my Dad -- it's hard to put a finger on exactly what it is, but he just makes my head explode, and apparently, I'm not alone! As the son, I'm sort of expected to be the martyr, I guess -- that what "should" happen, theoretically. But it ain't happening. I am not moving back to that house, no matter how bad things get. If there's a dead body on the floor, well, that's too bad -- but it's not my doing. My Dad has had, and still has, every opportunity to do something better -- and plenty of money to pay for it, despite his protests to the contrary. Whatever happens at the bitter end, it's his choice.

Whoops -- there I go again, flying off the handle. Stop me if it gets to be too much. But your description of things rang true for me, because I feel a lot of the same stuff happening. It does help to know I'm not the only one!

T

trombone,

I read this.."My dad is in a situation like this -- clinging to the house I grew up in, isolated out in the suburbs, refusing to consider moving closer to town, or -- god forbid -- to assisted living (which is for "old people" -- that's not him; he's only 88). My Mom died earlier this month -- but she hadn't been home in 11 months, since she went into the hospital last December. For awhile after Mom went into the hospital, I thought that maybe, just maybe, spending night after night alone in that silent house might convince Dad that it might be better to do something different. Ha! No way. The worse things get, the more intransigent he becomes -- determined to stay in that house 'til the bitter end." and just started crying. Your father doesn't want to leave his home because he knows he is that much closer to death and all his happier memories are probably in that house, along with memories of your Mom. He doesn't want to let go. My heart goes out to him.

Hey, I'd be the first to move back -- IF my Dad weren't the raging alcoholic tyrant that has been inflicting damage on me and my family for 45 years. He made his bed, and now he has to lie in it. This does not make me happy at all. But moving back there would be much worse. Can't do it. Won't do it. As I say, he's got plenty of money and could easily move to high-end assisted living, where he'd have a built-in community with all the friends you could want -- there are some great ones in the Boston area; we even dragged him on a tour a few months ago. But no -- he refuses to do it. Absolutely no willingness to budge, compromise, or consider ANYTHING other than having it EXACTLY his own way. Well, too bad -- I don't work for him anymore. I have 12-step tools to deal with his cr*p now, and he can't stand it. Again, he's got options out the wazoo, but the one he has chosen is to stay put. So be it.

T

Mike, you're such a sweetheart. So experienced with this kind of thing. I appreciate your help.

Trombone, I like the "I have the 12 step program to deal with his crap". Thank goodness, huh? Actually, it pisses me off to have to even do a 12 step program to deal with an a$$hole like my mom.

I haven't figured out how to quote, but I so identify with how you don't want to be around her, don't even like her, cry over her because of the relationship you wish you had. (paraphrased :0)

It's so hard when you don't have the family or relationships you know you deserve. The reality of "things are not going to change" feels a bit like a brick wall.

I'm not clear if you are really going to stay with a friend or if that's just your story. If it's just the story, then you should try to make it the reality. We should surround ourselves with people who begin to fill the voids.

Holidays are the hardest, take care of yourself! You should spend time with people you enjoy - don't get guilted into giving that up.