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Seeing mom for first time in a year tonight

Old 11-22-2008, 05:33 AM
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Question Seeing mom for first time in a year tonight

See Mom for first time in a year tomorrow

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Hi all...
I posted this on the other forum as well till i realized i probably should have posted here.
From time to time i post on here and have talked about my mom but haven't in abt a year bc we haven't talked in that long.... a little of our back story: I didn't know she was an addict till i was about 19. She began drinking which that led to pills and then crack.. she went on a downward path with her addict boyfriend for about a year who would beat the crap outta her. at the time she completely ruined my credit without me knowing, stole from everyone and a bunch of other crappy things. I confronted her like an intervention and told her i couldn't have her in my life. she moved to flordia. last year at christmas she came up and we got her into a rehab which she only stayed 2 weeks before her boyfriend came from flordia to get her. Our christmas was ruined.. i haven't spoken to her since.

At the end of August her boyfriend got arrested and he is going to be away a long time. she is now living with my uncle and is clean. My family is all talking to her, and my grandmother has been pushing me to see her. Thanksgiving is coming up and my birthday.. i know i'm going to have to see her because i cant tell my family not to invite her to Thanksgiving or Christmas. My grandmom even convinced me to let her invite her to my birthday party tonight. My mom has written me letters and says she's so sorry.. i just feel like i can't get over it. She was my best friend. I don't know how to move on from here. She isn't even in a program and my grandmom said "she has a beer once and awhile." My family still doesn't understand addiction no matter how much i explain it. So my stomach is in knots about seeing her, and i don't know how i'm going to deal. I'm regreting saying yes but know it is just inevitable. So i was wondering if anyone has any advice on getting threw this? Has anyone had any similar experiences? Its only going to be a small party so it's going to be hard to avoid her. And what i am dreding the most is i know she is going to be so excited to see me, and hug and cry... and i just feel nub to her and don't want to go threw that.
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Old 11-22-2008, 08:03 AM
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To get through it, you need to stay centered on yourself and what you want to be, not on her. And I would recommend having an exit strategy as well - a plausible excuse (have to work the next morning? have animals to care for?) that will allow you to leave without saying you're leaving because you can't stand to be there anymore.

As for staying focused on you, there are two scenarios possible here:

1. You focus on her. In this scenario, you go to the party thinking thoughts like "I don't want to talk to her," "I'm still angry at her," "If only she were different." Every thought, and therefore action, reaction and emotion, has her at the center of it. This scenario will guarantee you a very unhappy experience.

2. You focus on you. In this scenario, you go to the party thinking thoughts like "What kind of person do I want to be?" "How do I want to treat the human beings in my life?" "How would I respond if this was a person I'd never met before?" In this scenario, you focus on yourself, your needs, your desires for what kind of person you want to be. You let go of trying to change or wanting to change or expecting change from your mother. By focusing on who you want to be, and not who she is, you put the control back in your own pocket.

You can't control her, you can't change her, but you can control and change yourself. By focusing on yourself, you can maintain control of the situation and be a happier person.
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