new here - introduction
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2
new here - introduction
Hi everyone!
I have finally realized that instead of trying to get my alcoholic mother help, it is time for me to help myself.
My mother began drinking when I was about 12 yrs old (I'm now almost 30). I never realized how much it has affected my until the last few years. I don't have any fond memories of my mother. I don't remember spending quality time with her. In fact, she never showed interest in my life or achievements. Never attended any of my social functions. In fact when my parents split up when I was 14, she moved out of the house. My father raised me through my teenage years. She was never physically abusive, but she may as well have been.
She blames me and my brother for her drinking and all her problems. I always ask her why she even had us and she never answers it. She's always putting me down - nothing I do is ever good enough. She works a 40 hour week and then just drinks nights and weekends. She has no life except her television.
I myself have come over many obstacles. I was in an abusive relationship which resulted in my having a child at the age of 18. At 22 I decided I wanted to live a good life so I went back to college. 8 year later, I am due to graduate in Dec. All these years I held down a 40 hour job, attended college 4/5 classes a week, and raised my child. NEVER once has my mother said she was proud of me. In fact I don't EVER remember her saying "I LOVE YOU". I truly feel that she simply does not care.
She doesn't interact with my child. Never takes him out, rarely buys him anything, won't even go to a soccer game because she "hates soccer".
Today is my birthday. She didn't even give me a 99cent card. I expressed to her my disappointment and all she had to say was "what do you do for me". To me this was the most heartbreaking thing she has ever done for me. I mean, I am her daughter...shouldn't she want to celebrate the day her child was born?
Sometimes I wonder if she is the reason I have anxiety disorder, depression, low self-esteem, and fear of large group settings.
I guess this turned into a venting session, but I do feel a little better. Thanks for lending your eyes :-)
I have finally realized that instead of trying to get my alcoholic mother help, it is time for me to help myself.
My mother began drinking when I was about 12 yrs old (I'm now almost 30). I never realized how much it has affected my until the last few years. I don't have any fond memories of my mother. I don't remember spending quality time with her. In fact, she never showed interest in my life or achievements. Never attended any of my social functions. In fact when my parents split up when I was 14, she moved out of the house. My father raised me through my teenage years. She was never physically abusive, but she may as well have been.
She blames me and my brother for her drinking and all her problems. I always ask her why she even had us and she never answers it. She's always putting me down - nothing I do is ever good enough. She works a 40 hour week and then just drinks nights and weekends. She has no life except her television.
I myself have come over many obstacles. I was in an abusive relationship which resulted in my having a child at the age of 18. At 22 I decided I wanted to live a good life so I went back to college. 8 year later, I am due to graduate in Dec. All these years I held down a 40 hour job, attended college 4/5 classes a week, and raised my child. NEVER once has my mother said she was proud of me. In fact I don't EVER remember her saying "I LOVE YOU". I truly feel that she simply does not care.
She doesn't interact with my child. Never takes him out, rarely buys him anything, won't even go to a soccer game because she "hates soccer".
Today is my birthday. She didn't even give me a 99cent card. I expressed to her my disappointment and all she had to say was "what do you do for me". To me this was the most heartbreaking thing she has ever done for me. I mean, I am her daughter...shouldn't she want to celebrate the day her child was born?
Sometimes I wonder if she is the reason I have anxiety disorder, depression, low self-esteem, and fear of large group settings.
I guess this turned into a venting session, but I do feel a little better. Thanks for lending your eyes :-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Vent away.
I've had to reparent myself in some instances. My father was/is the alcoholic in my life. I chose a disfunctional first marriage but I am now married to a man who is awesome.
My mother was horribly co-dependent for years (she remarried when I was 19, I am 35 now) and I learned how to take care of everyone else from her. Learning how to take care of me has been hard but very very rewarding.
I look at it as a way to raise kids who don't have to deal with what I did. They are getting what I didn't and I am so proud of that.
I've had to reparent myself in some instances. My father was/is the alcoholic in my life. I chose a disfunctional first marriage but I am now married to a man who is awesome.
My mother was horribly co-dependent for years (she remarried when I was 19, I am 35 now) and I learned how to take care of everyone else from her. Learning how to take care of me has been hard but very very rewarding.
I look at it as a way to raise kids who don't have to deal with what I did. They are getting what I didn't and I am so proud of that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
(((wantstobeloved)))
Congratulations on your impending graduation!!! I'm so excited for you. I've been back in school too, doing that work-full-time school-full-time thing, and to see anyone get to the end of it is a big celebration.
Your situation sounds a lot like mine, except that I had TWO parents who didn't care. As sad as this is, I really had to let them go. I had to ask myself, "If this person wasn't related to me, would I have anything to do with them?" And of course, the answer was no. So I saw them on holidays or when I couldn't easily avoid it, but didn't go out of my way to keep close relations with them. I stopped expecting cards and stopped sending them, stopped worrying about gifts (the last time I got a gift from my parents, I was 12) and stopped trying to change them into better people. They were toxic to me, and so I finally just turned the focus on myself, and building as much joy as possible into my life.
I had to do some reparenting too, and had to build a sort of "family of choice" -- people who loved me in the way I wanted to be loved. They MORE than made up for my icky family.
Good luck with everything -- and keep posting here. Lots of wisdom here and lots of stories similar to yours!!
:ghug3
Congratulations on your impending graduation!!! I'm so excited for you. I've been back in school too, doing that work-full-time school-full-time thing, and to see anyone get to the end of it is a big celebration.
Your situation sounds a lot like mine, except that I had TWO parents who didn't care. As sad as this is, I really had to let them go. I had to ask myself, "If this person wasn't related to me, would I have anything to do with them?" And of course, the answer was no. So I saw them on holidays or when I couldn't easily avoid it, but didn't go out of my way to keep close relations with them. I stopped expecting cards and stopped sending them, stopped worrying about gifts (the last time I got a gift from my parents, I was 12) and stopped trying to change them into better people. They were toxic to me, and so I finally just turned the focus on myself, and building as much joy as possible into my life.
I had to do some reparenting too, and had to build a sort of "family of choice" -- people who loved me in the way I wanted to be loved. They MORE than made up for my icky family.
Good luck with everything -- and keep posting here. Lots of wisdom here and lots of stories similar to yours!!
:ghug3
6 :ghug3
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
wantstobeloved,
Happy Birthday (bit late) and Happy (soon) Graduation. I work in a college and I love the adult (non-traditional) students who are working and going to school. This effort and focus is just so very impressive and I have a lot of respect for you.
You may never know why you mother treats you this way. Alcoholism twists the mind and soul so that every effort and thought goes to the goal of maintaining the addiction. And it effects all those (spouses, children, parents) around the addicted person too.
As you grew up, this all seemed standard operating procedure (I can't say normal), or a place where all things seemed wrong but lacking a sense of what is right.
I thought the drinking, screaming, insults, and broken promises were, well, acceptable (what else was there?) until years later when it just seemed that other people didn't have the same experiences.
I remember in college my roommates comparing stories of all the times they saw their parents get a little tipsy. My only thought was "TIPSY?! Why don't you ask me what days were partly cloudy!"
You are not finding that the grass was greener in other homes, you are discovering that there is this green-hued organic substance, commonly referred to as 'grass', that was placed around houses other than yours.
Keep affirming this to yourself. You deserve better and you will be better.
Good luck with the rest of the semester, and keep posting and reading.
Happy Birthday (bit late) and Happy (soon) Graduation. I work in a college and I love the adult (non-traditional) students who are working and going to school. This effort and focus is just so very impressive and I have a lot of respect for you.
You may never know why you mother treats you this way. Alcoholism twists the mind and soul so that every effort and thought goes to the goal of maintaining the addiction. And it effects all those (spouses, children, parents) around the addicted person too.
I never realized how much it has affected my until the last few years
I thought the drinking, screaming, insults, and broken promises were, well, acceptable (what else was there?) until years later when it just seemed that other people didn't have the same experiences.
I remember in college my roommates comparing stories of all the times they saw their parents get a little tipsy. My only thought was "TIPSY?! Why don't you ask me what days were partly cloudy!"
You are not finding that the grass was greener in other homes, you are discovering that there is this green-hued organic substance, commonly referred to as 'grass', that was placed around houses other than yours.
it is time for me to help myself.
Good luck with the rest of the semester, and keep posting and reading.
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