Hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Tyne and Wear, UK
Posts: 60
Hello
Hello to everyone 
This seems like a very vibrant and supportive site and I'm glad I stumbled across it!
I wasn't sure where to post, but since this is the thread I think I will be posting in mostly I thought it best to introduce myself here. Only within the last couple of months have I learned that there is a term to describe those adults who grew up in alcoholic families, but I have been able to immediately associate with the stories and the character traits that adult children seem to share. It's a relief to finally be able to make some sense of where these feelings came from and know that I'm not alone or unusual in having them.
My mother was a single parent from the time that I was 5 years old and she drank heavily throughout my childhood. I'm still trying to cope with undoing the damage that was done back then; I see a wonderful psychotherapist 3 times a week and finally feel that there may just be a light at the end of the tunnel. The therapy is the thing I feel helps me most but I do also take medications. I've been on prozac for 12 years but I have an appointment coming up to speak to a psychiatrist about this as it's my personal belief that the prozac makes my anxiety levels sky rocket-has anyone else experienced that?
I hope to get to know everyone and to contribute to this great forum.
xx
This seems like a very vibrant and supportive site and I'm glad I stumbled across it!I wasn't sure where to post, but since this is the thread I think I will be posting in mostly I thought it best to introduce myself here. Only within the last couple of months have I learned that there is a term to describe those adults who grew up in alcoholic families, but I have been able to immediately associate with the stories and the character traits that adult children seem to share. It's a relief to finally be able to make some sense of where these feelings came from and know that I'm not alone or unusual in having them.
My mother was a single parent from the time that I was 5 years old and she drank heavily throughout my childhood. I'm still trying to cope with undoing the damage that was done back then; I see a wonderful psychotherapist 3 times a week and finally feel that there may just be a light at the end of the tunnel. The therapy is the thing I feel helps me most but I do also take medications. I've been on prozac for 12 years but I have an appointment coming up to speak to a psychiatrist about this as it's my personal belief that the prozac makes my anxiety levels sky rocket-has anyone else experienced that?
I hope to get to know everyone and to contribute to this great forum.
xx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there Lenore and pleased to "meet" you
I'm glad you decided to join us. I went thru my own share of therapy and it did me a world of good. Have never needed any meds so I can't share any experience on that. Keep checking back cuz other people have and they will be by later in the day.
You're right, you are not alone. Being raised in a "toxic" environment can really scramble a child's mind. The good news is that we are all getting well and building happy, healthy lives for ourselves. We're not crazy people, we're just injured people getting well.
Welcome again.
Mike
I'm glad you decided to join us. I went thru my own share of therapy and it did me a world of good. Have never needed any meds so I can't share any experience on that. Keep checking back cuz other people have and they will be by later in the day.
You're right, you are not alone. Being raised in a "toxic" environment can really scramble a child's mind. The good news is that we are all getting well and building happy, healthy lives for ourselves. We're not crazy people, we're just injured people getting well.
Welcome again.
Mike
lost child
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Croatia
Posts: 4
Hy Lenore and everybody.
I am also new to this forum.
I am 30-year ACOA, who had, just year or two ago, discovered that there is a name and diagnosis for most bad thing and feelings in my life.
At first, it was a big relief....but then, i have discovered that i need so much to do with myself, my emotions, my responses, relationships....
I am not in a therapy, I am trying to cope with everything by myself; I am reading the books, writing on my blog, on forums in my country....
And I am just hoping that I will find some friends here and some people who share the same experiences with me.
I am also new to this forum.
I am 30-year ACOA, who had, just year or two ago, discovered that there is a name and diagnosis for most bad thing and feelings in my life.
At first, it was a big relief....but then, i have discovered that i need so much to do with myself, my emotions, my responses, relationships....
I am not in a therapy, I am trying to cope with everything by myself; I am reading the books, writing on my blog, on forums in my country....
And I am just hoping that I will find some friends here and some people who share the same experiences with me.
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Hi Lenore, Hi Malina,
Welcome to the forum! Keep posting. Brutal honesty is welcome here. I am in therapy (every few weeks) and on ADD/anxiety medications, and this forum has been INCREDIBLY helpful. Sometimes you can say things in a forum that just don't come out in a sit-down with a therapist or even a close friend. Everyone is very understanding here (well there are some harsh USA-centric political stuff going on now in Cafe Central, but that will slow down soon), and also expect some hard difficult advice.
Stay with the therapy, Lenore, and you should tell your therapist about anything you write here, or interesting things you read.
Malina, keep posting and reading. It will help.
Welcome to the forum! Keep posting. Brutal honesty is welcome here. I am in therapy (every few weeks) and on ADD/anxiety medications, and this forum has been INCREDIBLY helpful. Sometimes you can say things in a forum that just don't come out in a sit-down with a therapist or even a close friend. Everyone is very understanding here (well there are some harsh USA-centric political stuff going on now in Cafe Central, but that will slow down soon), and also expect some hard difficult advice.
Stay with the therapy, Lenore, and you should tell your therapist about anything you write here, or interesting things you read.
Malina, keep posting and reading. It will help.
lost child
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Croatia
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by grewupinabarn 
Brutal honesty is welcome here.
Glad to hear that. I know what you mean when you say that sometimes is good to write about our feelings and experiences because sometimes I think that I understand thing better when I see them on paper or on computer
Thanks for the welcome.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Lenore, Maslina, welcome! This is a wonderful place, and I think you will be amazed at the incredible wisdom you can find in the people who visit. Keep posting and participating.....it is a good community and a vital part of my own support system.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
Hi and welcome. I had an abusive mother as well. Not sure if she was an alcoholic but was very emotionally, physically and verbally abusive. I have issue with anxiety and panick. I am on Lexapro which I have found to be a god send. I am also married to an alcoholic (in the hospital now in recovery) It has taken me years to move past her trama she instilled in me. I swear I will not be a victim of hers any longer. The sickness stops with me and my children.
I surround myself with support and positive people, I find the joys in life. I look at life with bright eyes. I turned all my bad feelings towards her to God and let him deal with her when it's her time and I believe he will.
I'm glad you are here.
I surround myself with support and positive people, I find the joys in life. I look at life with bright eyes. I turned all my bad feelings towards her to God and let him deal with her when it's her time and I believe he will.
I'm glad you are here.
I grew my wings to fly...
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
I can relate.
Hi. I had (have) an abusive, self centered mother, who was also an alcoholic and very promiscuous (which ruined my views on 'normal' relationships, and trust issues), who married an alcoholic who in turn was/is abusive (physically, mentally, emotionally). I left home when I was 15 and married an alcoholic who in turn abused me for 23 years (physically, mentally, emotionally) I left him 3 years ago, reunited with my High School Sweetheart who is an Alcoholic. ugghh.. we separated nearly 4 months ago and I am seeing a therapist once a week which is doing me wonders. I don't take meds for my issues because I react badly to most meds. I always wondered why I can't get out of this cycle, but I am finding out more and more each day. These boards are making quite a difference in my life. At this point I have tried to surrounded myself with people who are positive, which is new for me, as I seem to stay around the chaos because it is comfortable misery. I am attempting to strike out on my own, without the chaos and misery. I visit my mother and her husband once a month for 20 min or less, and they live 10 miles from me. I see my xah once a week when I pick my son up, but he hasn't drank in 15 yrs, but he is very emotionally and mentally abusive. The AXBF, well I am in a no contact situation with him. He is a tough one to let go of, but I HAVE to in order to stay on my recovery.
God Bless, and good luck. The people here on the boards are fantastic and lend a lot of insight and support.
God Bless, and good luck. The people here on the boards are fantastic and lend a lot of insight and support.
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Sadending,
I appreciate that you use the word 'recovery' for working through childhood and relationship memories that are full of alcoholsim. It takes time. I keep looking for the magic cure - the one thought that will change everything, the magic inspiration. No- it comes slowly but the light of recovery does dawn and slowly climb into the sky. You have gone through some tough times. But you seem to be making progress - you know who to stay away from.
I hope your son is Ok. It seems that your AexH has stopped drinking but hasn't gone through any recovery. He has not worked through the anger and twisted emotions of addiction.
Have you attended any Alanon meetings? Some face-to-face time with others who have addiction in their family and relationships may be very helpful. For both you and your son.
Lenore, I too stumbled across this site in a web search. I feel very fortunate.
I appreciate that you use the word 'recovery' for working through childhood and relationship memories that are full of alcoholsim. It takes time. I keep looking for the magic cure - the one thought that will change everything, the magic inspiration. No- it comes slowly but the light of recovery does dawn and slowly climb into the sky. You have gone through some tough times. But you seem to be making progress - you know who to stay away from.
I hope your son is Ok. It seems that your AexH has stopped drinking but hasn't gone through any recovery. He has not worked through the anger and twisted emotions of addiction.
Have you attended any Alanon meetings? Some face-to-face time with others who have addiction in their family and relationships may be very helpful. For both you and your son.
Lenore, I too stumbled across this site in a web search. I feel very fortunate.
I grew my wings to fly...
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
grewupinabarn,
I haven't attended Al anon meetings because I live in such a rural area, and I would have to drive 45 min to get to the meeting. I am in counseling, and have been for quite a while. I have 3 sons (and a daughter who passed recently) and my two older sons are quite like their father, unfortunately. My youngest son, who lives with me, is a much different child, more well adjusted. My AXBF was having a neg impact on him to the point that my son, who is 14 came home one night to hear the AXBF calling me some pretty nasty names, my son threatened to hurt him in a permanent way. I didn't want my son in this type of situation. The alcoholism is enmeshed deep in my family. I counted, of my immediate family members, 8 of them are alcoholics, or recovering. Sad..
I know who to stay away from because I am working diligently on myself and what is best for my life to reach my future goals. I have never thought about myself in the terms that I have been lately. It feels funny, feels selfish, feels like I am being a 'brat'. BUT I LIKE IT NONE THE LESS!.
I haven't attended Al anon meetings because I live in such a rural area, and I would have to drive 45 min to get to the meeting. I am in counseling, and have been for quite a while. I have 3 sons (and a daughter who passed recently) and my two older sons are quite like their father, unfortunately. My youngest son, who lives with me, is a much different child, more well adjusted. My AXBF was having a neg impact on him to the point that my son, who is 14 came home one night to hear the AXBF calling me some pretty nasty names, my son threatened to hurt him in a permanent way. I didn't want my son in this type of situation. The alcoholism is enmeshed deep in my family. I counted, of my immediate family members, 8 of them are alcoholics, or recovering. Sad..
I know who to stay away from because I am working diligently on myself and what is best for my life to reach my future goals. I have never thought about myself in the terms that I have been lately. It feels funny, feels selfish, feels like I am being a 'brat'. BUT I LIKE IT NONE THE LESS!.
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Sadending,
With kids and everything else, you definitely have your plate full. And even with the lower gas prices a 45 minute trip can be an effort. Yet you should try, even if it is not every week, as you may meet others who live closer to you who could provide a shoulder to lean on now and then.
And keep posting. We will listen to whatever you want to say.
It seems that your older sons are at or near adult-hood, so they are making their own decisions, for better or worse. You are at least setting a good example. That matters even for grown-up offspring.
It is great that you are getting yourself and your younger son away from the toxic personalities in your life. You are setting some good boundaries between your family and those who only want to bring you down. These are tough decisions. Decisions involving non-recovering alcoholics, those who are not trying to get better, are always trade-offs and difficult compromises. They have to know that you care but you will not suffer, not risk your sanity and peace of mind, so that they can stay addicted. And with boundaries you are helping in small way by not enabling their addiction.
I would guess it is hard to keep your distance in a small community. Keep being a brat.
Definitely talk to your doctor about the prozac. There are many other treatments out there, including medications that deal with anxiety (which is my particular brand of twisted brain chemistry).
With kids and everything else, you definitely have your plate full. And even with the lower gas prices a 45 minute trip can be an effort. Yet you should try, even if it is not every week, as you may meet others who live closer to you who could provide a shoulder to lean on now and then.
And keep posting. We will listen to whatever you want to say.
It seems that your older sons are at or near adult-hood, so they are making their own decisions, for better or worse. You are at least setting a good example. That matters even for grown-up offspring.
It is great that you are getting yourself and your younger son away from the toxic personalities in your life. You are setting some good boundaries between your family and those who only want to bring you down. These are tough decisions. Decisions involving non-recovering alcoholics, those who are not trying to get better, are always trade-offs and difficult compromises. They have to know that you care but you will not suffer, not risk your sanity and peace of mind, so that they can stay addicted. And with boundaries you are helping in small way by not enabling their addiction.
I would guess it is hard to keep your distance in a small community. Keep being a brat.
Definitely talk to your doctor about the prozac. There are many other treatments out there, including medications that deal with anxiety (which is my particular brand of twisted brain chemistry).
I grew my wings to fly...
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Grewupinabarn,
Hi, thank you for the support. My older boys are adults, the oldest has 2 children, and the middle one is in a relationship and working full time. I do try to stay away from the toxic family members, which is hard for me because I don't want to 'hurt' anyone's feelings. BUT they sure don't mind hurting mine! I recall this summer when I went to a BBQ at my Mom's, her husband was drinking and he wanted to know where I was over the prior weekend. I automatically answered, as if i was 12 again. I told him I went to visit my daughter and grandson for their birthday (My daughter and grandson were killed in a car accident in Feb of this year). He flipped out on me, telling me how sick in the head I am to go to their grave to 'celebrate' their birthday. Why don't I let them be dead. Telling my mother that I need to be committed to an institution. It was just horrible. I stood my ground and told him, I do things in my life the way I see fit, and you do what you see fit. My mother told him to shut up, but he continued to say horrible things. He said to my Mom, that girl is a mental case. I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. He then asked about my AXBF, and proceeded to tell me that the guy is an ahole, about time I got rid of him. Shoot, my step father is an alcoholic, and has no right to down someone like himself. This happened in August, I have been to my Mom's only twice since then, and for about 20 min.
I will no longer allow myself to be in a situation where someone does not respect me or my feelings. I will not knowingly involve myself with someone who does not consider me or my feelings.
Hi, thank you for the support. My older boys are adults, the oldest has 2 children, and the middle one is in a relationship and working full time. I do try to stay away from the toxic family members, which is hard for me because I don't want to 'hurt' anyone's feelings. BUT they sure don't mind hurting mine! I recall this summer when I went to a BBQ at my Mom's, her husband was drinking and he wanted to know where I was over the prior weekend. I automatically answered, as if i was 12 again. I told him I went to visit my daughter and grandson for their birthday (My daughter and grandson were killed in a car accident in Feb of this year). He flipped out on me, telling me how sick in the head I am to go to their grave to 'celebrate' their birthday. Why don't I let them be dead. Telling my mother that I need to be committed to an institution. It was just horrible. I stood my ground and told him, I do things in my life the way I see fit, and you do what you see fit. My mother told him to shut up, but he continued to say horrible things. He said to my Mom, that girl is a mental case. I wanted to cry, but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. He then asked about my AXBF, and proceeded to tell me that the guy is an ahole, about time I got rid of him. Shoot, my step father is an alcoholic, and has no right to down someone like himself. This happened in August, I have been to my Mom's only twice since then, and for about 20 min.
I will no longer allow myself to be in a situation where someone does not respect me or my feelings. I will not knowingly involve myself with someone who does not consider me or my feelings.
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Sadending,
Nice work holding your own at the August event. There is no point in arguing with a belligerent drunk. If he drinks alot, then the alcohol is doing the talking. You can not control an alcoholic's behavior, but you can control your own. Keep holding the line with the toxic relatives and you will be better for it. You have to show then that you care, but you have to keep your distance for your own sanity.
One of the lessons I remember from years of working as a lifeguard is to not let the rescuer become a victim. Before touching a drowning person, you have to talk to them from an arms-length distance and make sure they will not try to drag you down in their own panic. This applies well to relationships with alcoholics.
Nice work holding your own at the August event. There is no point in arguing with a belligerent drunk. If he drinks alot, then the alcohol is doing the talking. You can not control an alcoholic's behavior, but you can control your own. Keep holding the line with the toxic relatives and you will be better for it. You have to show then that you care, but you have to keep your distance for your own sanity.
One of the lessons I remember from years of working as a lifeguard is to not let the rescuer become a victim. Before touching a drowning person, you have to talk to them from an arms-length distance and make sure they will not try to drag you down in their own panic. This applies well to relationships with alcoholics.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
